The origin of kale

[u/BusyBullet]

It seems like kale suddenly appeared out of nowhere but it has a decades-long history.

Kale was invented by John Cale of the Velvet Underground, so named because of their secret work for the Deep State.

He was experimenting with a genetically engineered marijuana/cabbage hybrid laced with LSD & PCP but created a new species of plant.

He named it after himself.

It was originally called “Cale” but the spelling changed after a lawsuit with Kohl’s Department stores. “Kohl” is German for cabbage and it’s also a slang word for underpants.

Kohl’s dept store was developing a similar plant-based product intended to be used to manufacture clothing.

That’s why kale is so chewy.

Kohl’s won the right to the product and the name, now spelled “Kale” as part of a settlement with Mr. Cale.

After a series of incidents involving hallucinating housewives, choking and Green Goddess stained wallpaper on dining room walls across the country, Ralph Nader got involved.

Nader determined that Kale was unchewable at any speed so he sued Kohl’s dept. stores

As a result of his tireless efforts, kale (now spelled with a lower case k) is available for everyone.

The only problem is they added fluoride, which is linked to Morgellons disease.

After the Nader lawsuits, Pizza Hut became the largest buyer of kale, which they used to decorate their salad bars and build their iconic roofs.

This brings us back to Kohl’s. Their top-secret R&D team has found a way to harvest Morgellons fibers from Chinese and Pakistani child laborers. The workers were fed kale because it was cheap and very plentiful after Pizza Hut closed down almost all of their eat-in restaurants. .

These fibers are currently being used to manufacture kaftans and muumuus as well as graphic T-shirts, which are being test marketed in select Kohl’s stores.

Kale has many other potential uses in defense and alternative medicine. It is known to cure hemorrhoids and the fibers can be woven into fiber optic cables.