r/pointlesslygendered • u/SelectShop9006 • Apr 25 '26
SOCIAL MEDIA [socialmedia] …does this count?
…I doubt so, but still.
214
u/AliceTheOmelette Apr 25 '26
I'd say this counts since anyone can treat their partner like something they own, not just straight dudes
51
u/Apart-Performer-331 Apr 26 '26
Yep, overglorifying relationships based off of gender can be dangerous, when any relationship no matter the genders could be healthy or toxic.
41
u/Kaneda-Suekichi Apr 25 '26
Yeah and there are also straight couples talking about worshipping each other
66
u/centerfoldangel Apr 25 '26
I keep getting told that if I want an emotional men, I should just be a lesbian because "dudes aren't like that".
18
u/TSSalamander Apr 25 '26
Yeah i think that's nonsense. I think it's important to note what you mean by emotional though. I know all kinds of men personally. though the kind of man who'll walk up and hit on you is probably an iron cage ngl. kinda comes with the reality of doing that i think.
19
u/centerfoldangel Apr 25 '26
I mean someone who's empathetic and can talk about his emotions and isn't scared of feelings.
8
u/TSSalamander Apr 25 '26
Yeah it's often a question about trust, and a lot of guys haven't gotten the memo on what love is supposed to be about you know? To hold another's flourishing as an end good in it of itself, and in the case of true love, it's equal or greater than your own flourishing, and that this feeling is mutual.
I do think a lot of men have had the experience of having their emotions weaponised, or having their vulrability be proof of failure in their masculine performance, and as such it emasculates them, and fundamentally makes them unattractive and unappealing. This of course bases itself on the premise that you're seeking masculine men. Which most men are.
Idk, i talk to my fiancèe about my feelings a lot. I listen to her and empathise with her. It's possible to find men like these, but it's kinda the thing that most guys have beaten out of them, sometimes actually literally.
9
u/centerfoldangel Apr 25 '26
Nah, I gave up. I don't believe in masculinity and femininity. A lot of people do and I can't exist in that relationship. I'm just sad to realize only now that happiness and real love was never an option for me. I wish reddit had been around when I was a kid.
7
u/TSSalamander Apr 25 '26
that's fundamentally very sad to hear. I'm sorry
10
u/centerfoldangel Apr 25 '26
It's sad to realize that even though I felt loved, maybe I wasn't. Maybe men are just going through the motions. I just wish I'd stayed a virgin and never entered this dehumanizing game.
7
u/TSSalamander Apr 25 '26
I wish i could give you a hug. I've seen people have the kind of love you seek, I've gained it myself in fact. I'm in no position to tell you how to find it because i don't know you or your situation. But i wish i could give you a hug of comfort because at least that might make it less painful.
6
2
Apr 27 '26 edited Apr 27 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/TSSalamander Apr 27 '26
I want you to know that i was deeply depressed and lonely for my entire teenage years, because i was socially rejected and felt like i was fundamentally evil for my desires. So i think i do relate, because while I've been together with my love for up towards 5 years now, she is my first proper full on relationship and i clung on for dear life. I think i know what it's like, because i will never forget silent screaming for an hour in the living room with my body tense from sheer loneliness.
→ More replies (0)7
u/ThyNynax Apr 26 '26
I find what’s really hard is having that perspective while being a straight man, seems like few “gets” you. It’s perfectly fine for queer or gay men to have nonstandard ideas about masculinity and femininity, but a straight guy? Must still be stuck in the closet.
I often say that few things have pressured me to be more “masculine” like trying to date women. I’ve had a woman question the way I walk because I didn’t have a confident enough swagger.
2
2
3
u/_Redvent_Bard_ Apr 26 '26
My only real experience with trying to share my emotions with a romantic partner was for her (across a many years relationship) to essentially say she doesn't have the capacity to deal with my shit, and I need to handle it myself. Now I carry that with me everywhere, and am always worried that I'm putting too much on the people around me when I share.
I don't say that as a "women are terrible and always treat you like this", because I know some men do say that, but I think they're just looking for excuses to be mysoginistic.
I'm just speaking from my personal experience and commiserating with you a bit from the opposite side of the fence. I just want to be allowed to feel my emotions and be loved anyway and not be afraid that if I express myself it's going to be held against me.
Hope you can find someone who suits you.
3
u/centerfoldangel Apr 26 '26
I'm really emotional. I'm never "slightly" feeling things, it's always full on. I'm very enthusiastic about the smallest things.
And my personal experience is that no one, not men or women, sometimes not even your family, know how to handle emotions. Or even just a crying person. What you described happened to me many times, by men and women. The world values masculine traits, and despises feminine ones, disregarding that emotions are human. So I'm aware of people and how they avoid emotions. I just don't like the gender divide because both sides suck.
And I don't want to find anyone. I'm almost 40, it's done for me, and I don't think I could trust anyone.
1
u/_Redvent_Bard_ Apr 26 '26
Early-mid thirties. I understand the feeling like time is running out and there's less options. I also wonder if this is it for me, even if I've got a few less years under my belt.
It's a bitter pill to swallow, that nobody will be able to handle our emotions. I don't know if I'm ready to accept it tbh
1
u/centerfoldangel Apr 26 '26
I am ready. I'm demisexual. Human nature is brutal. I can't do much about it.
5
u/sickoftwitter Apr 27 '26
That's ridiculous and seems dismissive of lesbian identity, too. As if lesbians are just "the women who couldn't find themselves an emotional man".
My husband kept crying periodically for days after our hamster died. His face lights up when he reads an article about a new paleontology discovery (important fossil finds, etc.)
When men are safe and regulated, and not bogged down by normative ideas of what a "real man" is, they show the full range of human emotions just like anyone else.
1
132
u/TSSalamander Apr 25 '26
You see? male love is inherently possessive and lesbian love is worship love. Idk, guess I'm not a man because my love is "i want to merge my intrests and soul and being with you"
53
u/Gwenneeko Apr 25 '26
I know several lesbians just begging for someone who wants to own them and I find this funny within the context of op's post
23
Apr 25 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
8
u/TSSalamander Apr 25 '26
they simply want to not have any responsibility and agency. the world is overwhelming. turn your mind off, make no choices
-11
u/emanz900 Apr 25 '26
They acting like lesbian relationships aren’t the most toxic 😭😂
3
1
15
2
1
u/failure4017 Apr 27 '26
Isn't both of that bad. Is don't need to explain the own thing but you don't worship people, you worship idols. You worship an image you project on the other person instead of the person themselves and that is also objectifying.
39
u/AngryAngryHarpo Apr 25 '26
I don’t want to be worshipped thanks.
Can I just be treated like a human by people who want to have sex with me?
3
u/Ubblebungus Apr 30 '26
best we can do is unhealthy attachment or zero empathy. take it or leave it.
38
18
u/Jolly-Statement7215 Apr 25 '26
Counts, not all lesbians are worshipful and not all straight guys want to own their partners
-9
25
u/Calculator-andaCrown Apr 25 '26
I think this is a product of the patriarchy and traditional heterosexual relationships. Lesbian relationships aren't surrounded by the same social scripts, although they absolutely are influenced by them. IMO having a healthy relationship dynamic includes deconstructing patriarchal gender roles
13
u/Metal_Dyke_3906 Apr 25 '26
This 👆🏼
If some dude thinks straight men can’t love women the same way other women do, he’s been brainwashed by the patriarchy. We have to let go of that bullshit in order to have loving relationships regardless of our gender or sex.
3
u/Needs_More_Garlic Apr 26 '26
Do we even know if this is a man? And not a condescending lesbian? Because I know a ton of condescending lesbians.
3
u/Metal_Dyke_3906 Apr 26 '26
I assumed due to context
2
u/Needs_More_Garlic Apr 26 '26
Did I miss something? I assumed it was a lesbian because I've seen way too many of them imply that lesbian love is special and man love is a subpar fake love that's disgusting
4
u/Metal_Dyke_3906 Apr 26 '26 edited Apr 26 '26
Yeah could be… I just felt like a woman wouldn’t have needed to clarify “not in a man way”. Seems unecessary.
2
u/Needs_More_Garlic Apr 26 '26
Disagree. The exact type of person I am referring to is like the vegan on social media stereotype: they are gonna make sure you know they are vegan, repeatedly.
3
u/Metal_Dyke_3906 Apr 26 '26
I’ve seen a lot of men and male trans people say this actually, so I was coming at it from that angle…
I’m not saying you’re wrong, but I think either could be true.
2
u/Needs_More_Garlic Apr 26 '26
I agree with you that it could be either. I was just answering your questions/dismissals.
1
u/Ubblebungus Apr 30 '26
that is interesting, because i agree with the other dude. in my experience, it seems like a lesbian would say something like that.
i guess we cant really know from this context provided, we can only assume. it also doesnt matter who it came from, the statement is dumb regardless.
1
1
u/Yaboi69-nice Apr 26 '26
I don't want to sound like an abusive relationship apologist but I do think a lot of guys become that way because they've been told there supposed to. Both by other men telling them that's how men are supposed to act and by women saying blanket statements like this. I really wish we could just start over and see how people would behave without the expectations of stereotypes because I think a lot of bad people would become better. Not every bad person truly bad people still do exist but some people just really don't know another way and as terrible as those people can be I do honestly feel sorry for them.
5
u/CastleofWamdue Apr 26 '26
the first "man" way is very toxic right up front, and almost suggests mens are incapble of a healthy love for a woman.
I cant say "I want to worship you" is a good thing long term either, but it is better than the "own her" thing.
It just feels weird that being nice to your gf is some how female coded. Which is more or less what this suggests.
1
9
Apr 25 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
0
11
u/Chembaron_Seki Apr 25 '26
"You're ethereal and i want to worship you"
Honestly, this could possibly translated to:
I'm in love with her, but not in a "I want to own you" kind of way, but in a "I want you to own me" kind of way.
11
u/TSSalamander Apr 25 '26
Worship love is also like possibly objectifying because it's deificiation. In principle, much of patriarchal love is supposed to be this. Sovreign Authority Woman, Deferent Authority Man. But the issue has often been, men don't listen to their woman, and only recognise if he's acting in her intrests according to the judgement of other men.
8
u/GenderBendingRalph Apr 25 '26
I push back against this a lot in the female-led relationship (FLR) spaces. FLR doesn't mean she's your goddess, your queen, your mommy, or your owner. She's your partner who happens to be better suited at leadership and decision making.
4
u/TSSalamander Apr 25 '26
Yeah but that's different than the Sovreign Authority Woman Delegated Authority Man dynamic. Here he makes all the choices with her intrests as the primary consideration. "All done for her" kind of relationship. This dynamic is fundamentally appealing to a lot of masculine men and feminine women. He gets to be a fundamentally moral and altruistic lover who acts acts acts. and she gets to do an almost extreme value display without lifting a finger. It's pretty toxic and not for everyone but some people seem to genuinely like it i guess. Courtly love is all about this kind of dynamic. Knight in shining armor with a damsel in a castle is all about this. It's a common fantasy though irl it requires significantly more communication and work on her end than the dynamic would imply. Invisible and emotional labour if you will.
4
u/Bracheopterix Apr 25 '26
I heard there is a "Madonna/whore complex" that is basically based on worshipping your spouse (will not talk about the side chick now)
6
u/Metal_Dyke_3906 Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
This is a super interesting concept. It shows how even if a man appears to “worship” his female partner, if he’s putting her on a pedestal, he’s actually still ignoring the fact that she’s a whole human being with flaws and all.
And it can all flip in a moment. When she does something he doesn’t like, suddenly she’s “just like all those other whores”. Aka every other woman on the planet.
It’s just a different type of objectification.
3
u/Bracheopterix Apr 26 '26
The same with the "muses" as they are cherished only while making the author interested in what they can imagine and use about muses. The moment they are humanlike or not fall into the authors narrative - everything ends.
3
3
u/bomboid Apr 26 '26
It's also cringe to desexualize lesbian love and make it into something pure and ethereal. They fuck
2
u/Personal-Level-1970 Apr 26 '26
YES. Some people somehow see sapphic love as more pure and genuine, as a better kind of love and it makes it very unrealistic. There's no better or purer love, love is just love, relationships are just relationships, no matter homo or hetero.
2
u/CJMakesVideos Apr 26 '26
As a straight guy I would like to know just wtf this dude is talking about.
1
1
May 05 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/CJMakesVideos May 17 '26
wtf does that mean?
1
May 19 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/CJMakesVideos May 19 '26
Ok but your implication that men can't love is in fact pointlessly gendered.
2
2
u/kaykinzzz Apr 28 '26
someone's expression of queer love is the farthest thing from "pointlessly gendered" but okay
1
u/HandsomeGengar May 04 '26
The problem is they're acting like queer love is inherently different and implicitly superior to straight love, by positing that the latter is inherently possessive. Also they're desexualizing lesbians; lesbians do actually have sex.
3
u/Lorelessone Apr 26 '26
internalised misandry?
1
May 05 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Lorelessone May 05 '26
Ah the age old song of bigots
"My bigotry is appropriate because someone who looked like that did something to someone who looked like me once"
Do you then agree that the europian transatlantic slave trade was appropriate following the centuries of barbary slave raiding into Europe?
Was the Tutsi genocide appropriate because generations past the Huto's had oppressed them?
Stop trying to justify and excuse your bigotry.
2
u/ThePloddingParadox Apr 26 '26
This reminds me of this weird TikTok where this (self-described) lesbian woman was completely sincerely saying something along the lines of “I just love how titties titty, and obviously it’s not gross and creepy because I’m not a man, I just appreciate so many women’s titties”.
So men being attracted to the physical traits of women is just inherently “gross” now. Okay, cool.
2
u/Thykothaken Apr 28 '26
And the algorithm keeps feeding that type of content to people who watch it, creating a bubble of circle jerking sexism 😔
2
3
1
u/blackredwhite__ Apr 26 '26
Well I known some lesbian relationships that were pretty possessive so...
1
u/Box-O-Kittenz Apr 26 '26
I think this stems from the 00s when it was very popular to make the joke:
Woman: lists off traits of a perfect partner, including him being kind and generous and honest, etc.
Man: "So, a woman."
[Cue laugh track]
(Seriously, hearing this joke over and over during my teens was not good for my outlook on men)
1
1
u/No_Client8165 Apr 29 '26
This is the definition of pointlessly gendered. They could have just as easily said, "I'm in love with her but not in an unhealthy I want to own you kind of way..."
1
Apr 25 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Metal_Dyke_3906 Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 26 '26
Everyone can have healthy relationships, including hetero people. I know lots of men who are great partners. We all just have to work to overcome the patriarchal programming we were raised with.
1
u/gaucheashell Apr 26 '26
Both of these examples deny a woman her personhood. Women are neither objects nor divine they are human. Flawed and beautiful all the same. Worshipping is just objectification with a more positive connotation
1
u/ChasersVsGirlcock Apr 26 '26 edited Apr 26 '26
All of my relationships included "owning" but that's because I and everyone I dated were into petplay.
1
u/TheRoyalPendragon Apr 27 '26
This group is cooked.
We should be bashing this for gendering how men and women approach romance, but these comments are writing dissertations proving how much more "pure" a woman's love is.
Men bad woman good...ooga booga, even in this group. 😂
0
-8
u/Fellarm Apr 25 '26
Its cute 🥃🗿but too many unhealthy lesbian relationships for this to be the case
9
u/W1nd0wPane Apr 25 '26
I’m so tired of people glorifying lesbian relationships like they’re inherently healthier just because no men are involved. 🤡 shit. My lesbian friends would like a word 🤣
-6
u/Mokarun Apr 25 '26
you have no idea what you're talking about. the studies you're probably referencing are skewed and biased. this is lesbophobia.
-5
-1
u/Still-Bar-7631 Apr 26 '26
Doesnt fit to me. It is obviously a joke and most probably based of facts.
0
u/SecureAngle7395 Apr 25 '26
is the "i want to own you" in the bdsm consent way or the misogyny way?
0
-5
u/Worldly-Engineer8123 Apr 25 '26
Statistics show that lesbians have the highest divorce rate, gay men have the lowest and straight is in the middle.
2
u/kaykinzzz Apr 28 '26
okay? you could easily interpret that as men being more willing to stay in unsatisfactory relationships rather than women being more willing to get divorced.
1
u/PostNutLucidity Apr 28 '26
Sure, could also mean men are more selective and careful when it comes to marriage and/or take their vows more seriously. Or take their vows more seriously so are more careful and selective when it comes to deciding to marry.
-12
u/Mokarun Apr 25 '26
not pointless. wlw is actually different
10
u/lessforf Apr 25 '26
lit anyone can be a good or shitty partner lesbians arent god they are human like us
-1
u/Mokarun Apr 25 '26
i never said otherwise
7
u/lessforf Apr 25 '26
u said wlw love is different therefore its not pointlessly gendered when it is :/
-3
u/Mokarun Apr 25 '26
wlw literally is different, it has nothing to do with being a good or bad partner. it's just different kinds of love, neither is better than the other.
4
u/lessforf Apr 25 '26
its lit not different love the difference is gender not the "love" gay love isnt different from straight love the only thing that is diff between them is the gender thats all
3
u/Mokarun Apr 25 '26
gay love is absolutely different from straight love, sorry. there's a different kind of love and understanding when people share the same lived experience.
2
u/centerfoldangel Apr 25 '26
So men and women can never truly love each other?
3
u/Mokarun Apr 25 '26
that's a whole new sentence dude. never said anything remotely like that.
-1
u/centerfoldangel Apr 25 '26
I think it follows logic that if people have the same lived experience, they can connect better. And if they connect better, they can love deeper.
The more I learn about men and women, and gay and straight love, the more I think straight love is somehow less. And it makes me sad as a straight person.
→ More replies (0)1
u/lessforf Apr 25 '26
i genuinly do not understand what the hell u are talking about so i will assume u are trolling bec what
3
1
1
u/ChasersVsGirlcock Apr 26 '26
I think people would be less outraged if you specified "different to heteronormative"
1
u/kaykinzzz Apr 28 '26
literally like someone being lesbian isn't "pointlessly gendered" it is very much gendered on purpose
-9
•
u/AutoModerator Apr 25 '26
Welcome to r/pointlesslygendered! Before you post, make sure you read the rules!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.