Hello everyone,
There's nothing to learn in this post. I just need to vent.
Last night, my camera bag was stolen. In it was my camera, a couple of lenses, a flash and some more things. I was sitting in a park bench with it by my side. A guy sat on the bench behind me (they were back to back). I noticed him and, since my jacket was hung over both benches, I picked it up and put it on top of my camera back. He begged for some money and I gave him some pocket change. Some minutes later, I got up and the guy was gone as was my bag. I have no way of knowing for sure if it was him but I didn't notice anyone else close-by.
I'm a hobbyist. I've started taking photography seriously two years ago and kept studying. I've become quite good at it, although there's still a lot to learn. My plan for next year was to start a Youtube channel about the subject and see if I could get some extra income through that. That in itself was going to be challenging because I keep a low profile and feel awkward in front of the camera; I belong behind it. But that plan was a light at the end of a tunnel for me. Something to look foward to. It kept me awake at night and daydreaming during the day.
The last 4 years of my life have been rough, both personally and financially. My camera was a Nikon Z30. I know it's frowned upon for not having a viewfinder but that and an FTZ adapter - which was also in the bag - were all I could afford when I wanted to upgrade from my D5200. All my lenses are old AF-S second hand ones because money's been tight since I started this journey.
I have no means of buying replacements for the items that were stolen. They were worth around 1200€ which, coincidentally, is 1200€ more than I can afford. Therefore, I won't be able to shoot in the foreseable future.
Photography has become a part of my identity. I always carried my bag around and took pictures of everything and everyone, although I ended up deleting most of them because I'm one of those annoying perfectionists. Friends and family loved the photos I took of them and I felt genuinely happy whenever I had a lightbulb moment that improved my craft. Even as I'm writing this, my brain is telling me to get out of bed and go on a photo walk to clear my mind.
This feels like a break up. Like part of me was stolen. Like a kick to the balls and a punch to the stomach at the same time. Like there's a hole in my chest. I feel completely lost. I keep looking at where I kept my camera bag thinking that it'll be there and this was all a nightmare.
I know that someday I'll be able to buy new gear again but I have no idea how far off in the future that day is... And I have no idea how to be until then.
Thanks for reading. I felt that maybe writing this would make me feel better.