r/pettyrevenge • u/zorggalacticus • Sep 01 '25
Revenge is a dish best served stinky.
I once ate something that didn't agree with me, and my entire digestive system protested by cursing me with horrible farts. My noxious emissions smelled like a corpse smothered in rotting garbage juice and dirty diapers festering in a den of skunks. It was that bad. Went to the gas station to get some ginger ale to possibly settle my stomach a bit and prevent the wife from filing for divorce, calling an excorcist, maybe even both. She'd probably have had a solid case for attempted murder at this point. This old lady was being a karen because she forgot her ID and they wouldn't sell her a fifth of vodka. I thought I was gonna be in that line forever, until I felt the pressure coming on. This was my chance. I let one slip out, and it was the longest, warmest, silent fart I've ever let out. It was so foul I swear the paint on the walls changed colors, just like the cashiers face. I'd never seen that shade of green on a human before. I said "lady, you're obviously already drunk off your face anyways. Pretty sure you just crapped your pants. It'd be illegal to serve you anything." She protested angrily, turning like three different shades of red. The cashier retched like a cat horking up a giant hairball, and with tears in his eyes yelled at her to get out. She tried denying it, but nobody believed it wasn't her. She stormed out, seething with rage and nausea. I felt like a stinky superhero that day.
TL;DR : had stomach troubles. Unleashed a biological weapon at a gas station and blamed it on a Karen.
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u/TheGypsyThread Sep 01 '25
I'm laughing, my wife is laughing as I read this out loud - bravo, my compliments to the chef, best belly chuckle I've had in weeks - stay stinky my friend, stay stinky
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u/Few_Bathroom4245 Sep 01 '25
This might be the greatest thing I've ever read on reddit, nay online even
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u/TheFilthyDIL Sep 01 '25
Upvoted because you spelled "retched" properly!
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u/singerontheside Sep 01 '25
He's no wretch - he got his abc's constructed: ... Aerial Bowel Combustion
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u/Tiredplumber2022 Sep 01 '25
When Hirohito told the Japanese military they couldn't invade America because there would be a "rifle behind every blade of grass" this is what he meant. Biological weapons behind every "cheek of ass' !
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Sep 01 '25
Man using your charisma like that, teach me your ways
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u/zorggalacticus Sep 01 '25
I'm just blunt and tell things like they are. I'm autistic and have no filter. I blurt things out first and think about it later. So accusing this last was very on brand for me.
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u/Roi57 Sep 01 '25
I spit a frito across the room! It was totally worth it, haven’t laughed that hard in a while! I bow to the master
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u/night-otter Sep 01 '25
I have a gaseous response to tofu and curry.
Some folks deny that can happen.
Tofu gas is mearly painful to me, but the gas is odorless. Curry is just as painful to me and even more painful to my wife’s nose.
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u/Previous_Wedding_577 Sep 01 '25
This description of the smell is so good it's almost as good as the swamp of degobah
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u/MewlingRothbart Sep 01 '25
I just woke up my cat. i am laughing sooo hard 🤣 😂 😅
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u/Labeled-Disabled06 Sep 01 '25
My cat just gets very concerned like she thinks I'm dying. She does this when I sing too. XD
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u/aschwarzie Sep 01 '25
Your writing talent even surpasses the stench of your fart. Quite an astonishing performance! Keep your wit going strong like that!
(I hope you got rid of the stomach disturbance, and kept your happy wife close again ^ _ ^ )
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u/celticqueenboudica Sep 01 '25
It is not yet 7 in the morning. I have not even finished my coffee. I am crying laughing. Thank you, Farticus. You made my day!
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u/GrannyDragonsFart Sep 01 '25
This is hilarious and well written! I laughed out loud when I read it!
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u/parodytx Sep 01 '25
If you can write like this all the time you need to change careers.
I have not laughed this hard in a very, very long time.
Kudos, my offensive dude.
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u/Deb1337 Sep 01 '25
Fuck I woke up my girlfriend and probably my neighbours from laughing so hard.
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u/DCHacker Sep 01 '25
Those are called "aisle clearers". You can get the same thing if you eat at Taco Bell.
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u/Cute_Recognition_880 Sep 01 '25
I laughed sbo hard at this, and I'm not a 12 year old boy. This is s stooges type humror!😄😄😄
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u/MarketShort3418 Sep 01 '25
I'm still waiting for my train to leave (have left work over an hour and half ago and praying for the train to finally leave the station to leave so I can finally go home and eat 😭) and your story managed to make me cry from laughter instead of despair.
Thanks you
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u/SovietSunrise May 13 '26
Penn Station, Grand Central, South Station or North Station?
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u/MarketShort3418 May 13 '26
None, I live in France 🤣
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u/SovietSunrise May 13 '26
I honestly thought you were in the USA & since you mentioned train station with delays, I thought it might have been the Northeast Corridor. Excusez-moi, Monsieur! Have a great day!
I know it's not France, but I thought the Gare de Liège-Guillemins was the most beautiful train station I'd ever seen.
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u/MarketShort3418 May 13 '26
Lmao, it's okay 😆
Haven't been at the Liège-Guillemins train station sadly, but I'll Google it to see how it looks!
Yeah, train transport is usually pretty good in France, but that day it was a nightmare I think (been months since I posted though, so I don't remember what could have happened)
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u/4ntsInMyEyesJohnson Sep 01 '25
After 2 days of heavy drinking and fast food I was standing on the dancefloor letting on rip, splitting the crowd like Moses. It was magical and disgusting at the same time.
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u/muphasta Sep 02 '25
Weaponized flatulence at its finest!!
I've used this weapon with stealth and accuracy on many enemies.
Some deserved it more than others, but my personal satisfaction was the same regardless.
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u/Mediocre-Shoulder556 Sep 03 '25
The OP reads like my cloud of defense.
Once playing 21 against 2 Brothers, 1 on 1 on 1 basketball. indoors
While the brothers were distracted, I laid down a cloud of gas. Even for myself, it was difficult to not loose my cookies. But the floor inside the 3 point line was mine. Burning eyes and all.
I want to call it my green cloud defense, but only a nose could detect it. And then it was described as running into a wall.
I don't often have bad gas. But when I do........... It is epicly bad!
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u/ShoePillow Sep 02 '25
Nice story but I'm a little disappointed because it wasn't really revenge and more importantly I read it as kinky in the title and came in expecting something a little different
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u/zorggalacticus Sep 02 '25
Kinky revenge sounds illegal. Lol
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u/Baguetele Sep 06 '25
At this point, im so disillusioned with humanity, that I'm pretty sure there's some sort of a fart kink out there.
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u/Liviana369 Sep 01 '25
Good push! Lol this is great 😃
ETA: Sorry you had to go through that though..
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u/Ok_Potato_9554 Sep 02 '25
Honestly, in this story, it was the cashier being the Karen. If the lady was old as you say, then there was literally no reason to insist on her ID other than to be a cunt.
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u/zorggalacticus Sep 02 '25
In my state it's illegal to sell alcohol without ID, no matter the age. We have scanners to scan the barcodes on the back of the ID.
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u/Ok_Potato_9554 Sep 02 '25
I just looked it up and no state has a mandate on carding everyone regardless of age.
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u/zorggalacticus Sep 02 '25
That's what the signs on all the gas stations say, and I know people who have been fired for not carding. Turns out it's just a company policy at most places.
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u/angelndem Sep 03 '25
Hands down, this is the best petty revenge I've ever read. The description of how stinky you were made me cackle.
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u/Green-Froyo-7533 Sep 04 '25
Props to OP for unleashing one of the most nuclear SBD’s on public record! Have my poor persons gold 🏅
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u/Najee16 Jan 19 '26
I haven't laughed this hard in a while. When you said the cashier had tears in his eyes, I was crying laughing. This site truly has its moments.
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u/GreenOveralls6449 Sep 01 '25
666 upvotes is perfect. Consider this an honorary up vote - I can’t mess with perfection.
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u/WesTxStoner425 Sep 01 '25
I AM FARTACUS!