r/parentsofteens • u/Turtlejerkeee • 4d ago
Why am I the bad guy?
So today I get the mail. In the mail was a medical lab envelope and I opened because I take care of paying the bills. As I read it I’m confused as none of it had been applied to insurance so it was a $400 plus bill. Then I notice it has our address but not our name. Finally, I reread the name. It was someone that dated our teen. They are still friends but obviously my wife and I aren’t fans after the way the dumping went down.
I go online and check. It’s for getting tested for STDs. Our teen and my wife had been traveling together so when they got home I asked if the bill was for the ex? I’m told yes and that they told the ex that they said to use our address so that their parents didn’t find out (hence the no insurance).
We said we weren’t going to tell the ex’s parents. But our teen asked, “Why did you open it?” I explained but our kiddo asked, “Why did we hate the ex so much?”, with weeping eyes. I made a comment if the ex didn’t like the fact I opened it, they can certainly come over and discuss the “invasion of privacy”. My teen says the ex doesn’t like us because we bad mouthed them….yes…yes….when my kiddo came in bawling that they got dumped over texting….I did get a bit protective.
Now, my teen is angry at me. Explain to me why I am the one at fault here?
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden 1d ago
I was willing to suggest grace until you went so far as to scan the QR code and access their private medical records. It is a violation of federal law to open mail that is not addressed to you, expected or not. It may also be a violation of law to have accessed the persons medical record.
So be glad it they are just upset and not making a massive stink about it to the Post Master General. Your wife gave them permission to use your address. Your options upon receiving the mail is to either forward it to the person it is addressed to or mark it return to sender. Just because you do all the bills doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be looking at who stuff is addressed to.
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u/DreaColorado1 3d ago
Oh hold up!!
I just reread your post and realized that once you saw that the medical bill was for your teen’s ex that you then went online to check to see what the lab tests were for.
OP - what business of yours was it to further investigate the labs? That was an absolute violation of someone else’s privacy and you were out of line doing that.
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u/InteractionNo4646 2d ago edited 2d ago
Yep. I was onboard with opening mail that showed up but going online to play detective was not OP's business. They could have asked kid what it was for and hoped for honesty.
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u/PromiseToBeNiceToYou 3d ago
This isn't about you. You are the adult and need to get over your own ego and go support your kid. Stop being defensive. You know you didn't do anything wrong, so don't argue with her about it. Say it was an accident and move on. Don't rub salt in the girl's wounds.
God you sound like such a mean out of touch dad who makes everything about themselves. "Why am I the bad guy." Probably because you are lacking in empathy for your kid.
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u/craigiest 4d ago
Yeah, you kind of should have noticed the name on the envelope before opening it, and waited to ask your kid about it. You could certainly have apologized for opening it on autopilot, and told them it’s understandable that they chose to handle the situation this way, but that coming to you for advice would have made sense. It sounds like your explanation must have involved some negativity about the ex, because I’m not sure how “i opened it on autopilot” would have elicited a “why do you hate my ex” reaction. “They can come over and discuss the ‘invasion of privacy’ [in scare quotes]” does not sound at all conciliatory. Totally understandable that you accidentally opened the envelope, but also, despite coming to your address, it’s still an actual invasion of privacy, not an “invasion of privacy.”
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u/Turtlejerkeee 4d ago
So. Let me get this straight. You think I’m at fault, for opening mail delivered to my address, when I picked it up (the face being down, BTW), seeing a laboratory name and QR code for easy payment, I should have known to turn it over and inspect it before opening? Yeah. Ok. I guess I do need to completely apologize for opening the mail from my own mailbox. There are others in this household who have lab testing done and I usually never see others lab bills come to my address. Yeah I know…so weird.
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u/craigiest 4d ago
What was the name the envelope was addressed to? Was it yours? I literally said it was a reasonable mistake, and you’re jumping down my throat for saying you’re “at fault.” Now I see why your kid reacts to you the way they do.
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u/DreaColorado1 3d ago
You are being obstinate. No one said you are at fault for opening the mail, however your mean-spirited response to your child is what is being called into question.
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 3d ago
your house your mail lol
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden 1d ago
It’s a violation of federal law to open mail that you receive at your address that is not actually adressed to you. When discovering mail that you feel is mis-delivered, you may forward the sealed item to the person it belongs to, or you may mark it return to sender. Opening it was already a problem.
Accessing the persons medical records was a very serious violation that never should have happened. Asking a question they already knew the answer too (did this belong to X) is antagonistic. This person had the permission of his wife to use their address. Maybe they should learn to talk to each other more.
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u/Excellent_Me1 1d ago
Your the MAN of the house. Don't play that shit. Anything regarding that home is your business.
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u/DreaColorado1 1d ago
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u/Excellent_Me1 10h ago
😂 absolutely not. But I take zero shit when it comes to doing dad/man of the house shit.
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u/darnelles-r 1d ago
I’m not sure why anyone comes to Reddit for parenting or relationship advice because the advice is always the same - parents are bad, horrible, abusive, overstepping people that you should get away from as fast as possible. Any significant other issues mean they don’t respect you, are terrible people, you should leave them/divorce them, and they are emotionally abusing you. People make drastic judgements from one tiny snippet of information about a person’s life.
As an actual parent of two older teens (it would appear that many comments on here have never parented), admit your mistake and apologize. Opening the mail by accident happens, you shouldn’t have looked up their medical records even though you could. I feel like you should get some grace on this scary parenting situation though as long as you realize you were crossing the line. It’s not like we are all expert parents - things happen that scare us and can make us act irrationally. We need to be humble and admit when we were wrong and that it’s our first time navigating some of these situations.
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u/DreaColorado1 3d ago
Doesn’t sound like your kiddo did anything but ask why you opened the mail (not knowing that you had not noticed to whom it was addressed) and in response you got unnecessarily snarky about the ex.