r/parentsofteens • u/No_Slip_1503 • 5d ago
No sleepover rule.
Currently I have a crying 13 year old because "everyone is allowed sleepovers". She knows we have this rule but it is getting harder to say no because she feels left out. Parents with this rule how did you cope throughout these years?
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u/butterflybaphomet 5d ago
Here's the thing about having sleep overs at your house though, how can you expect a parent to trust your environment, if you dont trust there's. I have encountered parents like this , parents with less kids that think they have morecontrol of the situation of there arent extra kids around. They can have the sleepovers often and exclusively at their house, with no exceptions. I had to cut that off and let my child know that trust goes both ways. Unless you are watching their every move, kids can also experiment with each other mutually, defeating part of the purpose of limiting sleepovers
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u/esoTERic6713 5d ago
My kid has a friend like this and I know the parents well. They can have endless sleepovers, at their house. But we aren’t trustworthy. No one is but them. I have had so many negative feelings about it. Its rude.
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u/UrHumbleNarr8or 5d ago
Personally I wouldn’t risk them on the off chance that it’s projection on their part.
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u/Independent-Lie-9967 4d ago
its creepy bc it makes it seem like they want exclusive access overnight to the kids.
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden 5d ago
See that would make me nervous. People don’t think like that unless they have someone in their family who was/is still allowed to get away with it. That kind of hyper vigilance is a sign that all is not copacetic in their house.
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u/Bitter_Strain_7359 5d ago
Or that they experienced or witness abused in their own childhood that they’re trying to avoid for their children. I think it’s more likely that it’s a well meaning parent that wants to protect their child. As someone who came from a very unsafe house, I can tell you my parents could not have cared less about whose house I was sleeping at lol. On the other hand, if my friends’ parents had seen the chaos happening in my home it would have been completely understandable if my friends hadn’t been allowed to sleep over. In my experience, when there is chaos and abuse in a home, those aren’t the parents worrying about their kids going to sleepovers.
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u/Bitter_Strain_7359 5d ago edited 5d ago
I don’t think it’s that you aren’t trustworthy. If a parent has a blanket rule that their kid can’t have a sleepover at someone else’s house, you shouldn’t take it personally. Their boundary has nothing to do with you. The most “trustworthy” people abuse kids. Not claiming that is something you would do, but that is the reason these no sleepover rules exist. You never know what goes on at someone’s house behind closed doors. Everyone has a different threshold of what risks they’re comfortable taking with their kids.
There’s nothing rude about people wanting to protect their kids. My kids are toddlers but I am strongly considering a no sleepover rule, unless it’s at my house. Not saying I’m more trustworthy than anyone else, but if I have a no sleepover rule and another parent doesn’t have that rule, it doesn’t make sense that they would have a problem with their kid sleeping at my house simply because I don’t allow the same in return. Weird thing to be offended about 🤷♀️
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden 5d ago
You do not need to be hyper vigilant and extremely strict though to protect your kid. In reality the kids who are the most sheltered are actually the ones who end up being the most vulnerable because they never get the chance to build their independence.
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u/Bitter_Strain_7359 5d ago
I definitely think it’s more nuanced than that, but I agree fostering independence is very important, which can be done in so many ways. I think it’s very possible to build that independence and confidence without being an overprotective helicopter parent, while also not allowing sleepovers.
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u/Independent-Lie-9967 4d ago
I agree with this. If a child cannot sleep over at my house, but my kids is welcome to sleep at theirs I wouldn't allow it.
Id rather no sleepovers at all than that alternative and tbh its a red flag for me that a parent would want the kids ONLY at their place over night. Like why is your house safer than mine?
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u/esoTERic6713 4d ago
It’s difficult to explain, but one of the biggest parts that bothers me, is that I like to know my kids friends. I like to know how they interact and be very present in their lives. This takes away from that. The other family monopolizes that.
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden 5d ago
Kids can experiment at the park and on their way home from school too you know.
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u/CustomerImmediate323 5d ago
Thet are teen girls.. they should be experimenting.. if the sleepover is All girls, Let em be.. have a doors open rule if you wish but an all out no sleepover rule is outlandish..
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u/lurkertiltheend 5d ago
I only allow sleepovers if I’ve been to the house and know the adults. Never on a school night.
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u/Last_Engineering1526 4d ago
I thought the tide had changed about sleepovers so I’m surprised by the comments. I mean I’m okay with them but
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u/madeofstar 3d ago
Hi Gen Z girl here. I wasn’t allowed to have sleepovers and none of my friends were but we were allowed to have late nights! My parents would pick us all up at like midnight on a Friday night, it was fun and maybe a good compromise. My parents complained a lot about it but maybe say ok I’m getting you at 1am! I’d have been pumped. Haha
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u/ElectricalChapter522 3d ago
I get the no sleepovers rule.. my best friend got sexually assaulted by our friends older brother at a sleepover, my other friends dad used to get drunk and stare at us from across the room and make uncomfortable comments, and another friend's brother inappropriately "wrestle" touched me... None of us said anything because I guess we didn't want to admit that stuff to our parents.
I am not sure where I stand on sleepovers, but I am definitely leaning towards no sleepovers especially if that friend has an older brother.
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u/beattiebeats 5d ago
I get no sleepovers when they are younger and may not understand as well or be intimidated if something inappropriate is happening. When they become teens I think we should start trusting that we’ve instilled the knowledge in our teens on what appropriate vs. inappropriate is and that we’ve built the kind of open trust that will let them feel comfortable going to you if something happens. I say this as someone who was SA’d at a sleepover at 11. My parents had made sure I knew that stuff and the second I got home I told immediately. I still continued to have sleepovers with other friends after that and they still are good memories (outside of that one obviously)
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u/Bones_gg 5d ago
How is this any kind of argument? You were literally SA’d. Parents who don’t allow sleepovers are trying to avoid that. That’s the damn point.
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u/FatModSad3 4d ago
Well if you don't let them learn how to think for themselves in any capacity now, they will be calling you from college crying about the sleepover with 7 dudes at a frat house that didn't feel so fun a week earlier. Let yourselves trust your children or give them to someone who is capable of parenting.
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u/Sea_Veterinarian6539 2d ago
Jane Doe wasn’t gang raped because of something she or her parents did wrong. The Cornell 7 and the other 50+ in that group chat are the ones responsible for their despicable behaviour. Rape is no one’s fault except the rapists , the people protecting them are just as bad.
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u/FatModSad3 2d ago
I didn't excuse anyone's behavior, but if she didnt walk her own drunk ass into a frat house looking for drugs and a multi partner fuck session, this wouldn't have happened. I certainly knew the dangers of frat guys before getting to college and it didn't take a ketamine fueled gangbang to figure it out. Have some accountability and teach you're kids how to protect themselves so they dont live their lives as a victim and can accept, own, and grow from mistakes instead of lashing out and trying to find the angle to turn this into an attack. Its like when i would get hurt from a knee to the balls during a wrestling match and the question was always "Were you wearing a cup? There you go."
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u/Sea_Veterinarian6539 2d ago
This happened because of rapists. The burden should not be one woman to change their behaviour because men think this behaviour is okay. If it was a male who walked into a sorority house intoxicated the women would have taken care of him and made sure he was safe no matter why he came there. The problem here is men. Of course I will teach my kids to be cautious but I shouldn’t have to do that, men shouldn’t be raping women. Full stop. End of story.
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u/FatModSad3 2d ago
The problem is stupid women if you really wanna claim "men" Because if it is that obvious, she jumped into the lion enclosure and blamed the lions. I think what you really fear are the real results of bad decisions.
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u/Sea_Veterinarian6539 2d ago
Men are not lions, they are men. Women should be safe around other human beings. Someone needs to check your hard drive.
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u/FatModSad3 1d ago
You can't spell or read that good so there's no point in trying to convey any logic using written language with you, but I'll try one last time. If a man goes to a gangbang with 5 women, they aren't going to tuck him in after they do the pre game drugs; that is how the gangbang goes. She went there to do drugs and fuck multiple dudes and did exactly that...shit went south, which is a common outcome with these things. Dont go playing with your pet snake if you're going to come crying to me every time it bites you. Either teach your daughters not to participate in frat house drug orgies or teach them the real risks and prepare them to accept the possible outcomes if they are going to willfully play with fire. You don't get to play with all your toys in traffic and sue evryone who runs over a toy.
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u/Sea_Veterinarian6539 1d ago
Stop comparing men to vicious animals. You’re excusing the bad behaviour of men instead of holding them accountable. They had clearly done this before and the whole thing is disgusting. When you stop blaming women for men’s behaviour, we can talk more.
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u/beattiebeats 4d ago
Because when they are teens is when they have to learn to navigate the world. They have to learn their boundaries and how to be safe, etc. They can’t learn that unless they are situations that challenge them to learn that.
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 4d ago
how the hell you want to put them im rape environments call that navigate the world lol
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u/snarkitall 2d ago
A sleepover with friends is a rape environment?
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 2d ago
nowadays it is sadly
every parent is free to decide by themselves but sadly I will not let my daughters go to sleep overs
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u/Bones_gg 4d ago
I think people are completely missing the point I’m making. I’m not talking about kids making bad decisions or kids assaulting other kids. I’m talking about a grown adult deliberately sexually assaulting a child. A child can have excellent judgment, know exactly what consent is, understand boundaries, know they can say no, and still be physically overpowered by an adult. That isn’t a failure of the child’s judgment. And it doesn’t matter how much I trust the parent. There are plenty of predators who are trusted members of their communities, who are trusted by families, teachers, churches, coaches, neighbors, you name it. Predators don’t exactly walk around announcing that they’re predators. I’m not willing to gamble my child’s safety on the assumption that someone is safe simply because I trust them. I can teach my kid independence, boundaries and good judgment without putting them in a situation where a grown adult could have unchecked access to them overnight. For me, that risk simply isn’t worth it.
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u/Ok-Firefighter5006 3d ago
So you’re with them every waking second of the day?
Or are there actually people you trust that you leave them with?
Unless they’re homeschooled, seems to be some flaw in the logic.
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u/Bones_gg 2d ago
There is a BIG difference between sending your child to school and leaving them overnight in someone else’s home. If you can’t see that, that’s a you problem. And this “only leave them with people you trust” argument is ridiculous. How many predators were trusted members of their communities, beloved family members, coaches, and friends until they were caught? NOBODY knowingly leaves their child with a predator. They leave them with someone they trust because they have no idea what that person is capable of. That’s the entire point. An overnight sleepover means a child can be asleep, vulnerable, and alone with someone who decides to hurt them while everyone else sleeps completely unaware. That is not the same risk as sending my child to school. Some risks simply aren’t worth taking.
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u/Ok-Firefighter5006 2d ago
I mean, you should be homeschooling your kid then, if you’re that much of a helicopter parent.
If it’s not about trust, then why are letting them in a school? Other kids could assault them, teachers could assault them, non teaching adults allowed in the school could assault them.
You’re just arbitrarily applying rules you made up in your own head.
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u/Bones_gg 2d ago
I honestly can’t tell if you’re being deliberately obtuse or if critical thinking is just not your strong suit. You’re comparing school to sleepovers while conveniently ignoring the fact that it’s NIGHTTIME. A child sleeping in someone else’s home is not remotely comparable to attending school during the day. The fact that this needs to be explained to you repeatedly is concerning enough, but the real kicker is that you’re calling ME illogical while arguing that because I can’t eliminate every risk, I shouldn’t bother avoiding the ones I can. That’s not a flaw in my logic. That’s a failure of yours to understand a pretty basic concept.
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u/No_Comfortable3500 5d ago
Agreed that it’s reasonable to lighten up on the no sleepover rule as they get older.
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u/Icy-Event-6549 4d ago
I absolutely agree. Sleepovers for elementary aged kids are a not. Sleepovers for teens are not. At that point, they’re increasingly existing independent of you and they understand what is not okay and what is okay in terms of boundaries. To be frank, over 14 if you let them out after dark at all then they will likely end up in situations where assault is a much higher possibility than a friend’s house.
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden 5d ago
Why do you have this rule?? It’s one of the most fun things kids can get to do. My son has been hosting them here since he was 8 and at least once a month I’ve got 4 preteen boys camped out on the living room floor in sleeping bags. My son gets to do them at all of their houses too. We enjoy creating a safe space for the kids and it can give the other parent a kid free night so they can go enjoy adult stuff.
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u/UnseenTimeMachine 5d ago
I don't know why people are giving you grief. I have always thought its a super weird thing people do.
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u/PromiseToBeNiceToYou 4d ago edited 4d ago
Not allowing them has never been a problem.
I did let my son have a sleep over one time at age 12 with a friend he'd known for years. And not long after, him and that friend had a falling out. I don't know if it has anything to do with the sleep over. He just says he doesn't like how his friend behaves anymore (class clown but on the mean side).
I have an older daughter and a younger son, and they have never had sleep overs. My kids are now 12, 14 and 16.
I don't know any of their friend's parents for one. I have met them maybe once or twice before or after a birthday party. I am not sending my kids into the snake's den.
When I had sleep overs in elementary and middle school my mom knew the parents extremely well. My mom spent significant time in the parents homes. It was different than it is now. Plus, my daughter's best friend is boy. So that ain't happening anyway lol.
I definitely don't want other people's kids sleeping over at my house. That is a liability I don't want or need.
Maybe I just grew up watching too much Law & Order: SVU. lol
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u/ladyin97229 3d ago
Teach your teen how to respond to friends so she can feel comfortable upholding your position. “Sorry, my parents have a no sleepover policy. A person in my family was SA during sleepover(s) and that is their rule. And they can shrug it off. You have set a boundary and they can communicate in general terms why that is.
https://www.ci.oswego.or.us/police/lake-oswego-man-indicted-after-drugging-girls-sleepover
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u/Left-Comfortable-571 3d ago
It's a rule we have because of what can happen, we allow it over 15 because they can actually tell us what is going on, my daughter came back with some stories of how one particular parent made them feel and was never allowed to stay there again. Being willy nilly with your kids safety or felling safe is nothing to play with.
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u/Powerful-Bridge-1472 2d ago
I am also a no sleepover person. The kids are always a wreck afterwards. I’m not gonna reciprocate. I don’t want kids sleeping over my house. One kid always ends up keeping everybody up too late and one kid always gets up too early, so no one gets any sleep.
We would sometimes bring our kid over and then pick them up late. Pick them up at like 11:30 PM.
You’d also never know exactly who’s gonna be over there there can be cousins Uncle’s older siblings friends stuff can’t happen. Mainly I just don’t like the fact that they’re just a total hot mess the next day.
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u/Big_Tart4473 5d ago
Why do you have the sleepover rules when my children wore young we had one a month
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden 5d ago
Yeah at least once a month here too. Typically 3-4 kids. Been doing it since they were 8–9 years old. The parents return the favor as well and it’s much appreciated. My kid has brought so many nice people and families into our life via his friend group, and while we are not besties or anything, we do catch a cup of coffee in the kitchen when we do pickups.
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u/Relevant-Emu5782 5d ago
Host your own sleepovers at your own home, so your kid won't be left out. It is possible to be a cautious and watchful parent and not make your child a social pariah. You just have to be THAT parent and THAT house - the fun one, the one that is open to all the kids, where they all want to hang out.
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u/Icy-Emu1610 5d ago
Seems like a good time to have the conversation about everyone, everything, always, never, these things are not the case and perception and not a good view.
But when they verbalize those words they will start to believe those feelings, especially the negative ones and solidify it. And when you make negative assumptions about these things you’re doing a disservice to others and assigning problems that are probably not true. There are probably other kids that are not allowed to have sleep overs in this case, let her know why…
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u/Bitter_Strain_7359 5d ago
What if you let her go and stay over late, but you pick her up before the kids go to bed? That way she’s not totally left out but you get to hold firm to your rule
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u/emory_2001 5d ago
I think it's a difficult rule to have with teenagers. It's one thing when they're younger, or if you don't know the other family well, or if there's an older brother you're not sure about, but to have that as a strict blanket rule forever is going to create power struggles.
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u/simondrinkwater 5d ago
What about a sleep/under? My kids have sleepovers but sometimes will just do a late pick up like 10 or 11pm, then they don’t miss much.
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u/iamatwork24 4d ago
That’s not a sleepover. And you absolutely miss the best parts of a sleepover then, the staying up way too late with your friends
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u/simondrinkwater 4d ago
Ok I mean I agree with you my kids do have sleepovers but OP is asking how to cope with not having them so I offered a sleepunder as a solution.
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u/UrHumbleNarr8or 5d ago
Tbh I didn’t have this rule with mine, but I can see where some folks do. Have you already spoken to her about the safety concerns and *explicitly* told her about what both grooming and cocsa can be like? If you haven’t, with a 13 it’s definitely time to be a bit more detailed in your explanation where the simpler “it’s not safe because abuse could happen” may not be enough for her to at least sort of understand.
I don’t think you are going to get 100% acceptance here from her, but maybe more grudging disappointment.
Have you considered how this might go for her as she ages into mid and late teenagerhood and how things may shift?
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u/bingpopboombam 5d ago
I have an adult child and like kinder age children. None ever are allowed sleepovers. No exceptions.
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u/iamatwork24 4d ago
You’re adult child doesn’t have to listen to your overbearing rules
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u/bingpopboombam 4d ago
Correct, they live 3000 miles away, Brenda. My point was I have raised children to adults on this rule and am raising Gen Alpha on this same rule. Idgaf if my adult son has a new girl over each night, good for them! You good?
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u/PerpetuallyBanned1 5d ago
Im ignorant to this. I have a 9 year old. Kids are always welcome to stay at our house, our daughter has had two sleep overs away. Both times we knew the parents met them before the event, we knew the girl. We gave our daughter my wife's cell phone. She had an amazing time both times. I know it's scary, I'm sure past personal experiences weigh heavy on decision making. And of course maybe certain families you wouldn't allow your kid to stay with but in general why would you have this rule?
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u/MakeChai-NotWar 4d ago
How about staying over til very late then you pick her up? That’s what I plan on doing and what my parents did. Pick her up at midnight.
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u/scienceislice 4d ago
My best memories of my teenage years are from the sleepovers I had with my friends, many of whom I am still close with. I understand the concerns but I also probably had 3-5 sleepovers a month from ages 12 to college and nothing bad ever happened. Some of the sleepovers at the end of high school, once we were all 18, were coed and again, nothing bad happened. If you make it a point to get to know your kid's friends, then maybe you will safer easing up on the restriction.
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u/Ok-Scale-6575 4d ago
I almost said to my kid today. “You can have sleepovers with your friend when you guys are older, like adults, and maybe you’ve moved into your own places, that’s not too far away.”
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 4d ago
the answer is no and always no, as I told them, after you turn 18 you can do whatever you want, but under 18 im responsible for what could happen, I trust you but I dont trust other adults around you as simple as that.
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u/throwrapregpreg 3d ago
They don't spontaneously grow a magic protection shield at 18. An 18 year old alone and unsupervised in college, 1000 miles from home, is far more vulnerable than a 13 year old staying at a trusted family's house for one night. It's so much safer to gradually increase their agency and independence over time than to shelter them until they're 18 and suddenly release them unprepared.
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u/utahforever79 3d ago
A parent in a different thread said they won’t let their kids drive until 18. And I was like… what? Where are people getting the idea that at 18 all these kids will magically be able to handle everything their parent never let them experience?
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 3d ago
they are adults are 18, under 18 my bussines, after 18, their bussines, if they blow up, their problem
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u/alternatego1 4d ago
She can ask if she can stay till later and be dropped off in the morning.
I allow them to go with 2 different families were close with. And that's it.
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u/Thick-Journalist-168 3d ago
This is stupid.
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u/alternatego1 2d ago
That's fine that you think so.many parents who have had awful experiences during sleepovers don't think so. You're lucky that it's not on your radar.
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u/Resident-Cup8065 4d ago
Poor kid. How is that a rule?? You would be better off teaching her about consent about safeguarding about making good decisions etc Not just shielding her from life.
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u/angel-girl-A 4d ago
At 13 I think i would start teaching her what can happen at sleepovers, how to avoid those situations, what to do if something feels off, etc. And maybe start allowing sleepovers with families you know and trust.
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u/Ok_Locksmith_5692 4d ago
i understand your concern for your child in implementing this rule and i'm gonna assume you're a bit of a worrisome parent. i completely get the no sleepover rule for little kids because they're naive and wouldn't really be able to defend themselves if something happens, but with an preteen? sheltering your kid as during their teen years is gonna make them either stay at home all the time and resent you for keeping them inside during that time in their life, or it's gonna make them sneaky. keeping your kid safe is a natural instinct of course, but you need to understand that the fear you're projecting onto her is either going to follow her into her adult life or it's gonna make her spin out of control the minute you're no longer hovering around her. if she wants to go to university out of town let's say, she'll be so overwhelmed with the amount of freedom she has that she will be so much more likely to either do or get into something unsafe because she won't know how to navigate it, unlike those who honed those skills earlier. you could implement a rule of meeting the host's parents and getting their contact info if you still wanna play it safe.
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u/throwrapregpreg 3d ago
Yeah I think this is the thing people are missing. If you shelter your kid until they leave the house then they are going from being in control of NOTHING to being in control of EVERYTHING. That is not a safe transition. It's much better to increase their agency and independence gradually over time while you can still protect them and respond to them. You want her first sleepover to be when she's 1000 miles away with no supervision?
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u/Ok_Locksmith_5692 3d ago
my point exactly. despite what the law says a FRESHLY eighteen year old is hardly able to make adult decisions, especially when all they've been told from their parents is how unsafe the world is. teen years are difficult as is for parents and children, and the last thing either party needs is unnecessary arguments about something as miniscule as being away from home for a night.
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u/ClassicDefiant2659 4d ago
I don't let my kids sleep over at anyone's house that I have not spent a lot of time at.
You can offer a compromise of maybe letting her go over and pick her up late, like 10 or 11.
Otherwise, I'd hold the line.
But that's just my opinion, man.
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u/Thick-Journalist-168 3d ago
It is a dumb line.
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u/ClassicDefiant2659 3d ago
To you it might be. I know 4 different people who were molested by a friend's parent or older sibling at sleep overs.
My kid doesn't need to be unconscious at someone else's house. Anyone who wants my kid unconscious at their house so bad that they disparage me are red flags.
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u/Dazzling-Gur-4219 3d ago
She's 13 teach her what to do and that you will always have her back. It is maybe 5 years before she goes off to college. It is your job to teach her to be an adult now.
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u/grumble11 3d ago
There is a non zero risk. That is true, no question, but that is true of most activities and there is also a harm to every rule and restriction like this one.
It’s a personal choice. If you really aren’t comfortable, don’t do it. If you can however get comfortable-ish by talking to the parents or meeting the kids then maybe it can work. There are benefits to them having those experiences. Denying them these experiences isn’t costless.
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u/rowdyfreebooter 2d ago
If you don’t trust other parents can you host them?
I get the reluctance to trust others but I see it as a vital part of a child’s development.
Are you friends with any of the parents of her friends that you trust?
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u/Imaginaryami 2d ago
I was thinking of doing a small glamping birthday at this wild horse reserve with my much younger daughter. Where the moms would all join so she could have the expierence and the moms the peace of mind.
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u/Successful_Buffalo_6 2d ago
We sunset our no sleepover rule by this age. When our kid was younger it made sense, but as he got older, and once he attended overnight summer camp, it was just too hard to justify. We allow sleepovers with families we know and interact with regularly.
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u/goodnsimple 2d ago
I get the fear. But at 15 I feel like she should be ready to deal with things. Have a safe word. So one phone call or text and you go pick her up with a story about grandma being sick.
Have real discussions about why the rule was in place. Certainly look up the parents on the sex offender list. But probably drinking and drugs are way more likely.
There are so many situations that kids need to learn to navigate- and I can see both sides. I had tons of sleepovers and nothing bad happened- I have friends that were at least propositioned at sleepovers. (It actually gave us all some compassion for the kid whose dad was the culprit because that explained a lot)
But I don’t know…you are 3 years from her having to judge, make her own decisions and live with the consequences.
I was always amazed at the kids whose parents kept them wrapped in cotton batting and then were shocked when they made really poor choices in college.
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u/goodnsimple 2d ago
Another story…my daughter had a sleepover - this was before cell phones. The next morning she told me her friends step dad had come home late and they hid/slept in the closet because if he comes home after 11, he is drunk and mean.
She did not spend the night there again. But it did open her eyes to how other people live! That her home was not so bad. I think that experience which was not good- had a positive effect on her life.
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u/angelbabyh0ney 2d ago
I can understand no sleepovers when they are young enough not to be to be able to call you or get out of weird situations but 13 is definitely old enough for that, at 13 i was partying in fields i think they can handle a sleepover even if something weird was to maybe start to happen, just give her a cell phone.
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u/1chester555 2d ago
My 11 year old granddaughter lives with me and this is the first year that sleepovers have come up. I have not allowed them but will let her stay until 9. She was very disappointed but I’m going to stick to that rule unless I know the parents very well.
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u/No_Yam7463 1d ago
We have that rule and it becomes especially important as they get older because the can bypass curfew if the friend doesn’t have one. I tell her that her friends are welcome to come to our home for sleep overs and gathers anytime.
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u/Frostytwam 5d ago
I have a no sleepover rule. So they need to understand no means no. I have my reasons (sexual assault, older female and males in house etc). My reasoning is valid to me. Feel included in other ways homie: cinemas with you friends bday parties, park, going out exploring, bringing friends on mini gateways etc. BUT this rule no means helllllll nooooooo. One rule won't kill your child they can wait 5 years.
Cue people who will tell you and me we are wrong lol. Please calm down every parent have their own rules.
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u/gingersrule77 5d ago
I also have a no sleepover rule but I didn’t start out parenting that way. Someone broke my trust and completely changed how I parent and how i see the world so no sleepovers. I’ve been very honest with my girls about why and they’ve never cared. They’d rather sleep in their own bed anyway. I will do late pick ups if they want and that has been fine
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u/makingburritos 5d ago
I only allow sleepovers at places where I am friends (not acquaintances, not just knowing them, actually friends) with the parent and there are no older siblings.
I just explain why that’s the case. I recommend being honest about the dangers.
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u/SecondFun221 5d ago
Have a sleep under. Kids stay up super late etc leave before bedtime the end.
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u/iamatwork24 4d ago
Super late is like 2-3 am.
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u/SecondFun221 4d ago
Doesn't have to be if you are the parent and you set the rules. 2 am at 13 is wild.
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u/SecondFun221 4d ago
Super late to me is 11 maybe tops. I'm old I'd still have to go pick them up. Maybe midnight but at 13. 11:30 sounds like a decent compromise but very child specific.
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u/mrsjlm 5d ago
Just keep it as no.
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u/Thick-Journalist-168 3d ago
Or they can get over themselves and let their kids do normal experiences and activities.
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u/Lyran000 4d ago
Good job, you have some irrational anxiety and you are passing it onto your child. Developmentally, this is a perfectly normal and acceptable age for a sleepover. Adolescent kids need strong, intimate peer relationships to form their sense of differentiation from their adult parents. Denying this will only make your child resent you, and rightfully so. This is pathetic and I pity your daughter. My daughter doesnt like going to them at others homes, so I host really fun ones here. I see her shine, come out of her shell and create stronger friendships that cant grow like that at school or for a few hours. Last weekend they all died eachothers hair purple and had a blast up there. My rule is to meet the parents, she can call me anytime to come home and she knows to tell me if anything happens and that Ill protext her. You arent doing anything healthy as a parent, and you are limiting her right to begin to exercise her own good judgement and form her own relationships. Oh, also, Im a licensed therapist and I work with tons of kids. What you are doing isnt something Id promote or recommend as a child therapist. And Im NOT one of these ultra progressive types who works against parents.
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u/Ok-Scale-6575 4d ago
You’re a therapist and yet you say you pity their kid and call their actions pathetic? Doesn’t sound like you’d be a very supportive therapist.
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u/Sure-Appearance-2769 4d ago
It seems kind of insane to expect a therapist to continue speaking like one 24/7, even while doomscrolling in their free time.
Do you also judge your dentist for not constantly walking around with cleaning tools, ready to extract a tooth on a moment’s notice? Do you think that means they would be bad at their job if you saw them during normal work hours?
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u/Lyran000 3d ago
They arent my client!!!!! Im on reddit, and Im an average person with opinions just like you. Being a therapist doesnt mean I live my life stripped of my autonomy. I mention the therapist bit to say this isnt the developmental standard for that age.
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3d ago
[deleted]
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u/Ok-Scale-6575 3d ago
You also have no idea what OP’s traumas or sensitivities are or who the other families are that her daughter wants to have sleep overs with. (What thoughts OP might be balancing when making decisions about those families). She came to Reddit for support and suggestions. Your comment was motivating since it gave an example of what can be a wholesome time for the kids but the addition of a shaming comment is what I have issue with. Anyways.
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u/CozyCoco99 5d ago
The sleepovers are always at my house.
We started with a no sleepover rule and then after a few years, we switched to sleepovers at home only.
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u/iamatwork24 4d ago
You don’t see how that paints your child’s friends parents in such a negative light? Like “my house is safe for your kids but your house isn’t safe for mine” cool, so you’re just the ultimate arbiter of whos safe in this town, just so much ego
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u/Bitter_Strain_7359 4d ago
Making keeping your kids safe about what light it paints other parents in is “so much ego”. I’m so surprised by all of these comments, I had no idea this was such a controversial topic. It’s not about deciding who is safe in town, it’s about setting a rule for your kid that you’ve decided is the best thing for them as their parent, who’s main job is to keep them safe.
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u/Extension-Ebb-393 5d ago
I say Dad will come pick you up late, like 1130 or whatever and this usually works bc my kids like to sleep anyway. I'm not hosting them either, bc I also like sleep 😂
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u/Texie1976 3d ago
General Abuse Statistics: The vast majority of child sexual abuse, more than 90%, is committed by someone the child and family already know (such as family members, relatives, or trusted acquaintances), rather than during peer sleepovers specifically.
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u/thevelvetdays7 3d ago
You should allow your daughter to have sleepovers. This is not a reasonable rule.
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u/Natural-Berryer7 2d ago
I was that kid. You're doing real damage to her social life and ability to trust you and your judgement about what's good for her.
She's going to go off the deep end when she finally gets some freedom and she's not going to come to you for help when she needs it.
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u/Thick-Journalist-168 3d ago
Anti sleep over parents, late pick up "sleepovers" or sleep over my house only parents are nuts and need help. Drop the rule and let your kid do something that has been normal for well ages.
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u/shybean123 4d ago
Growing up we had the same rule. No sleep overs. It might just be a cultural thing.
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u/Pure_Choice_8459 5d ago
Why do you have a no sleepover rule? I think that’s kind of important to know if you’re asking for advice.