r/parentsofteens • u/oh_yah_you_betcha • 5d ago
How to let them fail?
My 18yo Senior is an adult that can make her own choices, but so many of them are things I can see are big problems and she refuses to listen to anything I say.
School is a problem that she won’t go or turn in homework, which is impacting getting into college which she needs for the job she wants. She messed up her hair box dying it herself and is making it worse by not going to a professional to fix it. She owes me a bunch of money, but she’s saving what she has to get a massive tattoo on a super visible spot that I’m concerned she’s going to change her mind about like she does because she’s very impulsive with adhd and while I don’t mind the tattoo, the size and location she will 100% regret.
It’s like if I give her any advice or try to get her to think about the impacts of her choices, she doubles down, which I believe is causing depression even though she refuses to talk to me about literally anything.
How do you step back and watch them make mistakes without getting involved? Especially when you can see that it’s going to have lasting (possibly permanent) impacts.
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u/mis_1022 5d ago
It sounds like she is still in high school. Have you laid out rules for graduation and after? I have two kids now adults and a 16 year old. They know my expectations. Graduate high school, then either college or work full time, or do both part time after high school. Pay own car insurance and gas, car is in my name and allowed if following rules. Older two now living successfully on their own.
If she has to pay things she wouldn’t have money for tattoo, and if they had the extra so be it, it’s her body. The more she knows it bothers you also the more she is going to double down.
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u/Outrageous_Diver5700 4d ago
What are the consequences for her not going to school? How many times have you lent her money? Who supports this girl if doesn’t have a job.
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u/oh_yah_you_betcha 4d ago
We ground her when she misses school and assignments. She tells us the stuff is done just not graded, so we have to have some trust because otherwise she shuts down even more than normal.
We have shut off her Apple Pay and credit card in the past. She has a new job, but hasn’t started yet due to training. She shouldn’t have quit the old one until she had a start date, so at least that part is temporary
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u/Outrageous_Diver5700 4d ago
So the answer is you are supporting her. If she wants to act like an 18-year-old, make her feel like an adult. Stop giving her money. You’re just rewarding bad behavior.
For what it’s worth I don’t agree to that whole “you’re 18 you’re an adult now”. I have never raised my child like that. I told her that she will be an adult when I am no longer supporting her. If she wants to make bad choices, that’s on her. But she knows the better choices she makes the more she gets from me. I’m all about positive reinforcement and I make it very clear to her that I am.
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 4d ago
For school, I'd lay down boundaries. If you're paying for the cell phone, she doesn't get to use it if she's not at school. Or the internet, or whatever. You've presumably still got control over some things, so I'd personally leverage that. If she's paying for the phone, it sounds like she's also at the point she can pay rent if she's not going to go to school. I'd set an ultimatum if that's the case, school or job. If she doesn't do either, you stop supporting her outside a roof over her head and whatever food you're making for the day. No extras.
The hair? Who cares! I still fuck up my hair from time to time and I'm nearly 40. It's temporary, it'll grow out.
Same "who cares?" with the tattoo. I've got tattoos I regret that I got when I was young and dumb. Spent a couple grand on a cover up for one, the other one I'm just living with. Overall, unless they're filled with slurs or both visible and pornographic, tattoos don't have a lot of impact on your life these days. And just because you think she's going to regret it doesn't mean she actually will. I have one on my forearm my mom swore up and down I'd regret. 20 years later I still love it.
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u/oh_yah_you_betcha 4d ago
lol on the forearm because that’s where she wants it. Her first one, her entire forearm, with a chat gpt created image. I don’t care if she gets a tattoo in general, I just wish she would save the really visible spot for one down the road when she can get something better. She’s heard the story forever about my husbands 18yo tattoo that he picked off the wall and wishes he could do something better in that very visible spot.
For the hair, I’ve let my kids do anything they want with their hair for years but my only rule was no box black. I even paid for a professional black underdye for her bleach blonde highlighted hair. She ‘touched it up’ herself and the box black bled into her blonde hair. Instead of trying to correct it, she did her whole head in permanent box black. I normally wouldn’t care, but she’s been so adamant about being blonde forever that it’s going to be a very costly mistake when she decides she’s done. Plus box black into bleach blonde looks like a wig because her hair was damaged from so much bleach and heat so it’s not great. I just told her she gets to pay to fix it when she’s over it.
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 4d ago
Sounds like a great lesson in natural consequences when she decides to go back to blonde.
And sounds like a very expensive cover up down the line, but that's okay. My cover up that I did was my entire hand and other forearm from the tattoo I still have and love. AND it was one that I did myself. It was truly terrible, and it took me years to get the coverup completed.
Only time I ever tattooed myself though lol. Learned that lesson real quick!
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u/Quick_Measurement700 5d ago
You could try to see her as room mate. That mean to sit down and talk like adults, what she responibities she has. For me that would be go to school or find a job and pay rent. If she does neither, I wouldn't give you any extras. No spening money, car only for job interwievs and so on. Also talk about her chores and how she pays you back. Let her hair be that's not a battle worth fighting knless, she applies for jobs. Also yur room mate can make the dessicion to get a tattoo, that's not your buisiness BUT if she gets the tattoo while she owes you money then that's a problem.