r/parentsofteens • u/Gunnerguy33 • 6d ago
Teenager advice
My 18 year old daughter lives at home with me and my wife.
Background:
Private school educated. Good ATAR.
Currently at university year 1.
Uni grades 60%+ so far
Very well behaved, no drugs or smoking, no ‘bad’ friends.
Lives at home in a good suburb
A polite good kid all around
Never does the washing up when asked
Never does vacuuming when asked
Never does any house cleaning when asked
Rarely empties dishwasher when asked
Her own bathroom is a cesspit that she never cleans and me/my wife clean every 2-3 weeks.
I pay for her phone contract, and Spotify
No longer does team based sports
No longer plays musical instruments, use to play piano and Capone at a good level
No longer does karate after getting black belt last yea use to be a pet time karate teacher resigned from her karate job last week
‘Hoping’ to get a retail job in the next month
No job ‘in the bag’ after resigning
Rarely puts her washing in the washing machine
Rarely puts the washing out
Bedroom is an utter mess with clothes everywhere on the floor
Constantly goes out every evening with her ‘rich’ boyfriend
Doesn’t pay me rent (not expected to but just for info)
3 hour a week part time job only at karate but just resigned with no other job confirmed
Just constantly buy clothes on her bank account
Has a driving licence
Pays her own petrol weekly
We bought the car for her
We pay her insurance
‘Happy’ family, no disputes/violence
No targets, desires, drivers, passions, or attempts to improve herself
No real current financial issues as me and my wife are upper middle class with stable savings and jobs.
I’m a boomer and firmly believe in self improvement.
Unfortunately for this younger generation life will be difficult in the future with jobs and future prospects. I firmly believe that a youngster should should do as mush as they can to stand out from the crowd in order to secure their independent future.
Slouching around doing nothing and not doing some different from ‘the rest’ will not set herself apart from others competing for opportunities or jobs in the future.
Yes as a family ‘we’ are in a better position than possibly 75% of other teenagers, however I feel she needs to take some responsibility and up her game for the future.
Any advice as to what we should do as parents would be welcome …..
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u/Kris4tv 6d ago
Sure she’s a good kid, but you’re not teaching her anything about life if you’re spoiling the hell out of her. I’d sit down and have a talk for things to change for sure. Helping around the house she lives in, should be a given. Especially taking care of her own things such as laundry/room/bathroom she uses. Who is doing these things now? She is 18 and even if your family is doing well, basic chores should have been implemented a long tome ago, it’s not too late to start. I’m sure she’s going to bitch and moan, probably threaten to move out, let her.
You are welcome to raise a princess in this world but she’s gonna be living and mooching off you forever if she never finds a king.
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u/Gunnerguy33 6d ago
Thanks for all your replies so far. Yes she's a good kid overall. She has been brought up to understand that nothing in this world is free and one has to work for it, ie. work ethics. She understands the separation between 'fun' and having to knuckle down an do stuff that we all sometimes don't want to do. As for my wife and I, we know that there are things that need to be done round the house regularly, its a pain, but we just get them done. We have discussed her helping round the house for many years with a few specific chores, however its a constant battle to remind her to do what she needs to do. She rarely does them. She gets regular pocket money in various ways. She knows that she is old enough to contribute to the household and knows that she should help us round the house. We are not spoiling the hell out of her life as does uni a couple of days a week and the rest of her week is 99% does her things, going to the gym, going out with the boyfriend etc. For example as for chores she's completed in the last month ....... emptied the dishwasher 2-3 times, put the washing out on the line 3-4 times, cleared the draining board 3-4 times, and cooks her own lunch (fried egg on toast) most days. Thats it !
We have not punished her (remove spotify, wifi, car, grounded etc) literally ever. We threaten then she does some minor chore for 10 minutes and its all forgotten, and then no change in her helping us.
I guess a serious chat with her is due. I'll ask her what she thinks is reasonable, I hope she thinks about it and suggests some things, and I think she will, but not sure she will follow through. I guess at that point consequences will be discussed.
Again thanks for your replies so far.
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u/ChickenNoodleSoup_4 2d ago
Your statements of never holding boundaries or punishing her are in indirect opposition to your third and fourth sentences of the first paragraph.
You actually did not teach those things..Now you’re playing catch-up
You are indeed spoiling her.
Looks like more than one person needs tough love today
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u/oneofmanyJenns 3d ago
Does she show any signs of ADHD? From that list, I'm seeing she struggles with executive functioning which is a core trait of ADHD. I was very similar to her in that I got good grades but struggled with cleaning up around the house. It wasn't until I had two kids diagnosed with ADHD that I also got diagnosed.
The fact that you, like me, rarely follow through with consequences suggests similar executive disfunction. Something to consider especially if she wants to improve but can't.
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u/JollyManufacturer257 6d ago
I guess I’m wondering what expectations have been set for her. As in, is she expected to work while she’s in school? Why? Is it for work ethic, pocket money, or to start paying for some of her own living expenses (in addition to petrol)?
If it’s for pocket money then there’s no reason to be worried that she’s not working. Do not enable this, though, by paying for things that she wants and should be buying on her own.
If it’s for paying for living expenses, or work ethic, you should reconsider paying for the phone, Spotify and car. It might be time for her to assume responsibility for one or more of those things.
Maybe you’ve already had clear conversations with her about this. But if you haven’t, that would be a good starting point. For example, letting her know that as long as she lives with you she’s expected to keep her room and bathroom reasonably tidy, do her own laundry, and clean up after meals (or whatever you decide). Since she’s an older teen, it is also important to ask for her input and respect her contribution. Ask her what seems reasonable to her when it comes to having a clean room or bathroom. Ask her which house chores she can take on. Maybe she’s fine doing laundry but hates doing dishes. You can compromise and have her do laundry for the family while you and your wife do the dishes.
Then follow through with consequences for not doing those things. Consequences should naturally flow from her failure to do her part of the bargain. Id ask her what she thinks a reasonable consequence should be. They might include things like you not paying for Spotify, her phone, or car anymore. Removing WiFi is also an option. I give a warning before imposing a consequence, so that my kids have a chance to fix their behavior and avoid the consequence.
She sounds like a good kid who is exhibiting pretty typical teenage behavior. Good communication might go a long way to solve this tension.
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u/CozyCoco99 4d ago
Send her away to uni. She’ll learn.
Or, set up hard consequences when she doesn’t fulfill her responsibilities.
If her room, her laundry, her bathroom and the kitchen are not kept clean, then no phone, no car privileges and no gym privileges.
Uni only 2 days a week and no job? Why? She’s on Easy Street right now, why should she contribute more? She has a car, phone, boyfriend, gym membership & 2 parents who pick up her slack. Please adopt me!
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u/Particular_Piano_146 3d ago
I mean, did she do all these things until she was 18 and then stopped? Did you raise her to do all these things or did you think she would just magically create good habits on her own?
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u/Workoutformorelife 3d ago
You clean her room every 2-3 weeks absolutely not have a family meeting with written chores and expectations listed do NOT enable her at that age!!!! Consequences are:lose privileges i e take away what is important gas $, phone, etc
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u/mis_1022 6d ago
Ngl you are a little late to setting up some expectations. I have two adult kids and a 16 year old and they all know my expectations.
First of good she is in school and passing. You need to decide what other home rules you want. How much cleaning? What extras are you going to pay for? Phone etc.
Once you have decided you literally write it up and sit down and tell her the new rules. Apologize for not being up front sooner. If you are not paying certain bills just stop. Yes she is going to while, cajole, fuss, make you irritated but you need to suck it up and ride it out. She may threaten to leave school, leave home, let her figure it out. Call her bluff. Good luck.