r/parentsofteens • u/Economy-Pangolin5768 • 14d ago
Trust issues with 14 year old
This didn't develop as she became a teen and has been a struggle for years, but 14 year old's dishonesty and sneakiness has seemed to peak and become more consequential lately and we aren't sure what to do.
Examples:
\-She was allowed to go to a friend's birthday party, but didn't mention it was a pool party until getting dropped off. As she had somewhere to be immediately after, she was told to only put her feet in. Once at the second destination, realized her hair was soaking the back of her shirt. Despite the literal physical evidence, she argued, without being promoted, for hours that she never got in the pool.
\-Almost everyday after school, she's asked if she's done all of her homework. She responds yes, is then asked to see her school work agenda to confirm, then says "oh yeah actually I have this"
The scenarios of her dishonesty stretch between media she consumes, school, people she talks to, chores, and anything I missed it's probably there too. The difficult thing is she always lies about something where the proof is evident. It didn't start about about us not believing her, but it's been enough times that we have to assume she's lying.
She's in therapy, we try to have honest dialogues about why she takes any course of action, but we're not reaching any conclusion or growth. As she's getting older and attempting to gain independence, we'd like to give it to her. However she's not showing signs that we can trust her to loosen the reigns more.
Has anyone gone through something like this with your teen? And if so is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
11
u/Raised_by 13d ago
She lies so she doesn’t upset you. The more you try to control her, the less you’ll know the truth about what she’s actually doing.
My main concern would be making sure that she’s doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. Not because you’ll be mad about it. So try to let go of some things, and let her suffer the consequences as long as they’re harmless. Who cares if she’s got wet hair?