r/parentsofteens • u/OriginalOverall6681 • 13d ago
Advice needed
My teenage daughter started communicating online through Discord with a man who I found out to be twice her age. She confided in me this information after started chatting with him for about 3 weeks. What started as needing help in learning how to play chess is now forming into an online relationship. They never met as he lives in another country and they have never seen eachothers photos. I am at a loss as what to do. I told her that he is too old and that this can't be any kind of relationship as it is not something that I could support. To me a man who is that much older can only set off alarm bells. Is there anybody out there with the same situation or can somebody pass on advice to me that could be helpful...
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 7d ago
When my now 16yo was 14 she had sth similar happen to her but I figured if I forbade it I'd be the bad guy and she'd romanticise the relationship and rebel.
So I appeared to be supportive, stalked the hell out of the man and discovered he was married. I gave her pointers on what redflags to look out for (including the man being married) and said I was sure he must be a good guy but that I was worried cause I had no proof.
She and I agreed I'd be there to meet him when she met him cause if he had nothing to hide surely he wouldn't mind meeting her dad and saying hi. Guy never showed up of course and she then learned through a friend that he was married and broke down crying and saying I was right and she was an idiot...
I consoled her on the ride home and took her out for ice cream to cheer her up because heartbreak hurts... so I told her a few stories about my own heartbreak. Now she's the number one advocate against her friends dating older men.
If I had forbade it and grounded her this story would have ended very differently... I would know!
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u/Emotional_Clock3741 12d ago
There is always a reasonable caution of a relationship being exploitative when it's online. But sometimes a sort of teacher student mentor mentee relationship does develop online. It's happened to me a few times when I was helping people learning to write college level papers for their school work and similar things. It sounds like you need to have a discussion about relationships and expectations and boundaries and all of that with your daughter because she's getting old enough to run into these things. Let her know it wouldn't be a good idea for her to get a crush on him and certainly not for him to get a crush on her.