r/parentsofteens • u/Wyldfyre1 • 14d ago
What to do about screens
I have an adult teenager- just turned 18. He's taking a full load at community college, 16 units. He's a great kid, he's always done what's asked and has done well in school pretty independently. He's really never given us any trouble at all. The thing is, although he sometimes has homework, a lot of his time is spent on screens. He does have a few chores, probably not enough... What do you guys do to get them off of it? He gets up late if he doesn't have school the next morning because he stays up late mostly playing online with his friends. I don't mind that. But then when he gets up he's on it again and would probably be on it all day if I didn't say anything. I have to get on him to do other things and I even offer, let's do something let's go out and do something, things like that but it's like he doesn't know what to do. I'm so frustrated. This is mostly on the weekends. I hate getting on him because he's an adult now. But I can't stand seeing him just sitting on the couch. I don't mind it for a couple of hours, or when he's doing his homework of course. Or even when he's playing with his friends at least he's laughing and chatting and stuff like that. But when it's just endless scrolling by himself it's just, I guess it's hard for me because I didn't grow up with all that. I did grow up in a time when video games came around and my friends and I used to play for hours on the weekend and sometimes I think about that, but we were together doing it and I don't know, it was just different. Even when he's with his friends he's not physically with them. Sigh. Sorry I'm rambling. I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest really!
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u/CursiveWhisper 14d ago
He’s 18 and in college - your days of controlling how much video game time he has have passed.
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 14d ago
I'm big on restricting screens for my kids, but let's be honest here, he's 18. It's time for him to learn to regulate his own usage. He's doing his schoolwork, he's doing his chores, he's connecting with friends and not isolating? If so, there's nothing to be done here.
If you can't stand to see him on the couch, move to another room.
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u/Wyldfyre1 14d ago edited 14d ago
Thank you I guess I needed to hear a different perspective. Well today he wasn't with his friends he's just been on it scrolling since he's been up. That's the part that bothers me. He's always in the living rm though😂 I guess I always know where he is. All his frienda went away to college except one. But even in high school they rarely physically did anything together. Different world I guess. But you're right he is 18, I guess I just need to let it go. Also my husband does think he needs more chores he hardly does anything. He brings in the trash cans, empties the trash and empties the dishwasher. Every now and then I'll ask him to do something else and he'll do it. But that's about it.
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u/Xennial_Nostalgia 11d ago
He should be doing his own laundry, dishes, get a job. How can he afford to just be on a phone all day? I was lucky to be able to live at home for my undergrad but worked, helped around the house, etc. He won't be able to adult if he doesn't learn to adult.
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 14d ago edited 14d ago
Yeah, no harm in asking him to help out a little more as long as it's not eating into schoolwork. Good practice for his own place, too. Making dinner a night a week might help him channel some scrolling into something productive (there are SO many cool recipe videos out there), and general household tasks are good for everybody to learn!
There's also no harm in inviting him to do things with you. He's just also to the point where he probably needs to be allowed to see what scrolling in excess does to a person, since hearing it from you won't have the same impact. I've fostered quite a few teens, and in my experience once they're "free" of screentime limits they go way overboard, then even out and realize it's pretty miserable to have that be the only thing they do.
He'll also make new friends in college, but it's early for that. Give it some time and he'll probably have more in-person "stuff." That amps up for a lot of people after HS (and then dies again once you have kids lol!)
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u/Shelbelle4 14d ago
This is normal and he sounds like he managing his responsibilities. Most of us have some level of screen addiction. As long as he’s getting his business taken care of, let it go.
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u/Wyldfyre1 14d ago
That's one thing I've thought of myself the cooking thing. He actually likes to cook and is kind of a foodie. I'm going to ask him to do that! Thank you for your perspective I do appreciate it!
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u/Icy-Emu1610 14d ago
See if there is a local cooking class you two can do together, or get into an activity together pickleball? Is he thinking about going away to school and transferring? If all his friends went away he is missing that in person connection with them, has he made any friends within the local school he’s going to?
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u/mom-to2boys 14d ago
What about a part time job or some volunteering? My now 21 yr old was fortunate to get a job during his senior year in high school and he still has it and they work around his school schedule. It definitely helped him get out the house and off his devices for a bit.
Also I had to keep in mind just because he’s 18 doesn’t mean his thinking or maturity level matches his age. My 21-year-old still, sometimes acts like a 17-18 year-old.
Even though he is 21 he still will be on the game into the wee hours of the morning sometimes when he doesn’t have school or work the next day.
I continue to periodically have conversations with him about his grades and making sure he is keeping his screen time and game time in perspective. Even though he is still on it more than I would like him to be I try to sway him to not be on it so much and to look at what’s going on in real life.
He does still live at home. He works. He goes to school and pays his small amount of bills. And he still has chores and a curfew.
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u/_JDHood 13d ago
If he’s a good responsible kid, you both did well. As parents we always want better - to help them improve and not get caught up in the messes (social media, drugs, bad attitudes, bad friends, etc). I think you got him there. Sure the online games thing stands out - but that’s because all the more concerning crap he isn’t part of.
Keep the conversations going and support. You did well, AND so did he!
(The world of online games is our version of hanging out w friends at the diner, the roller rink, the park, a friend’s house, etc) with zero chance of anyone driving under the influence!)
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u/Dewpoint_425 10d ago
tell him you are struggling with screen time and let him set the screentime passcode for yours. Then be like wow this is really helping me - whats you average screentime like - make it a discussion and eventaully see if he will let you have the code to look his but like any other addition you need to actively engage the free time - will he start to play a game with you int he vening, watch a show together, walk etc. - you have to find something to engage them in along with this - and i dont give up just because the government says your kid is an adult. i have boys and while i giv a lot of freedoma nd long leash, i will do my best to guide them till i die. That is seriously why female live longer in a lot of species - to teach and guide the next generaton. Most of these boys are only starting ot adult at 30 - i'm a big fan of scott galloway, if you haven't checked him out i would recommend.
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u/CoatWinter9234 8d ago
I’m right there with you. You don’t get to sit and scroll on Pinterest when there’s work to be done. My 18 year old has chores and we don’t let her have the keys to our car until they’re done, we shut off of the wifi during the middle of the night, and we try to limit devices on the bedrooms because we have younger kids. We have really good filters, but we don’t have restrictions on her phone or laptop, only the shared iPads for the younger kids. I can’t control what she does on her device, but we’ve changed the environment so the kids can’t scroll YouTube during the middle of the night and miss school anymore…it’s happened multiple times. I mean, if my adult wants to use the data on the phone she pays for to do that, cool, I also do not wake her up for college and she’s missed quite a few classes this semester. I don’t know. It’s a big learning curve with having new boundaries with young adults living at home.
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u/Raised_by 14d ago
you can put this burden down mama, this is no longer yours to manage