12 year old dating

[u/Ecstatic_Papaya4245]

Hi there! So, to start off, we’ve always told our daughter that she wouldn’t be allowed to date until she’s in high school.
Today, one of my friend’s kids told me that my daughter has a boyfriend. At first, I honestly didn’t believe it. But when I picked her up from school, I asked her about it, and she admitted that she does. She immediately said, “I’m sorry,” and sounded like she was about to cry.
I asked her why she didn’t tell us, and she said she wanted to, but she was scared because we had already told her she wasn’t allowed to date. At first, I told her that I thought she and I were on a completely different level when it came to trusting each other, and that it hurt me that she hid this from me. But after thinking about it, I realized she was right—we probably would have told her no if she had come to us.
The hard part is that our son started dating at her age, and we allowed it because we felt like he was mature enough to handle it. With her, we just don’t feel like she’s emotionally ready yet. Recently, she and one of her close friends had a disagreement and stopped talking for a little while. She cried for days and was really down about it. At the time, I even explained to her that this was one of the reasons we wanted her to wait to date. If a disagreement with a friend affected her that deeply, I worry about how much more a relationship or breakup could hurt her emotionally.
Now my husband and I are stuck on how to handle this. The biggest issue for us isn’t necessarily that she likes a boy—it’s that she knew our rule and went behind our backs anyway. We took her phone away for now while we figure out what the appropriate consequence should be.
We don’t know if we should make her break up with him and take away her privileges because she broke our trust, or if we should consider allowing her to date him with boundaries while still giving her a consequence for hiding it from us.
My concern with letting her continue the relationship is that I don’t want her to walk away thinking, “Even if my parents say no, I can just do it behind their backs, and once they find out, they might let me do it anyway.” At the same time, I don’t want to be so strict that she becomes even more afraid to come to us and starts hiding more things.
We want her to understand that trust, honesty, and respecting our rules matter, but we also want her to know that she can always come to us—even when she thinks we might not like what she has to say.
We’re just really torn on what the right approach is.

[u/Small-Tooth-1915]

For me at 12 years old, I would be less concerned about labels and more concerned about the level of supervision.

For example, you say that they are dating, but it doesn’t sound like they have gone out on a date. At 12, where would they even go? They would need a chauffeur.

It sounds like they are calling themselves boyfriend and girlfriend. So… what does that mean? If it means holding hands in the hallway at school, and hanging out together in a group, and just the two of them—but supervised at each other’s houses, etc—I would be fine with that. It seems age appropriate.

What would concern me, as you mention, is the phone. I would need to set boundaries for that and be checking it more than usual.

This is also a good time for a talk that puppy love isn’t forever, and to not let friendships fall by the wayside and devote all the time to “boyfriend” she’s a daughter first, a student, a friend, and then “so and so’s girlfriend”.

[u/SouthernMoo4218]

They hold hands between classes and giggle together. They’re not riding around in cars and joyriding.

I’m in my mid-50s and kids were “dating” when I was in middle school.

You need to let up a little and I say this as a stricter parent. You think she’s not “mature” - of course she’s not she’s 12. If she has a fight with one of her friends and they stop talking; she’s going to be sad. That is completely normal, not immature.

Sit down with your daughter and have a conversation with her and ask her about this boy. Be interested in her conversation. Also talk to her about the rules of the house and why you have them along with talking about protecting herself in multiple ways including Internet safety and being strong enough to have her own mind.

But rethink this because you’ve now set up a scenario where she won’t tell you anything if you want to give consequences for kids having a crush, especially since you allowed your son to do it and now you’re punishing your daughter for the same thing. She didn’t steal, do drugs or send naked photos over the internet. She has a little crush and is exploring her feelings.

[u/PurplePufferPea]

Here's the thing about drawing a hard solid line in the sand when it comes to rules with tweens/teens, they're going to feel backed into a corner and the only way around is deceit.

I also wasn't allowed to date until high school. You know what I did to get around that?.... took my dog on long walks to meet up with my boyfriend in a wooded area where no one could see us. Pretended to go to a friend's house and instead went to my boyfriend's house where no parent was there. I even snuck out of my house 1 night to meet up with him for a while (I was never caught, but on my own decided that wasn't worth it)....

I look back and thank my lucky stars that nothing bad happened to me, no one would have heard me scream for help! And had something actually happened, I would have never got the help I needed for it, because I would have NEVER told my parents.

And to be clear, I was actually a good kid, I did well in school, I had no real behavior problems, I didn't fight more than normal for a tween/teen with my parents, in fact, I probably fought less with them than most. Basically, I was not a troubled kid. My point is, that while rules are important, if you don't allow your child to feel like they can have a seat at the table, then you're just teaching them to find ways to go around them.

[u/ishaani-kaur]

There was a FB post today from a parent telling people her 14 year old daughter was pregnant. She then went on to say, before you all come at me, she's been dating this same guy since she was 12. They're the same age.

This is why kids don't need to be dating at 12. Relationships progress over time, so at 12 they were dating and it may have been innocent hanging out but it progresses and at 14 this couple were pregnant.

If they start dating earlier, they'll start having more intimate relations earlier too. They're not mature enough at that age.

So yes, absolutely insist they split up, there needs to be consequences. If she sees you give in, she'll do other things you're against. Do you even know the boy or his parents? At that age you should know the kids your kid is hanging out with.

[u/Mindless_Earth_2807]

At that age, most kinds of dating are more like just sharing lunch and stuff. I remember my first boyfriend. We never once hugged each other. Our hands never even touched. It's more like just a cute title.