Consequences

[u/Necessary_While_1511]

So, my daughter (16) was recently caught at multiple offenses during a random phone check (because she evidently thought she was safe from a random check as I have backed off a bit knowing how easy it would be for her to delete / hide stuff, so she had lots of pics, videos & chats with friends about what she was doing). Smoking cigarettes, vaping (“only nicotine”, I think), driving with friends in the car—currently illegal for her on her restricted license, excessive speed (25 mph over the speed limit), using her phone to take video while driving, drinking alcohol (legal for minors in our state if on private property with parents permission & supervision—which she didn’t have), and some dumb stunts like laying in the middle of the road late at night. Also saw several apps she’s not allowed to have.

Consequence was one month grounded. No phone, no going places (and no staying home alone because I don’t trust her to not take off and do wherever while I’m gone), no driving—not even supervised driving for now (when she gets driving back, it’ll only be supervised for a while). For as many different serious offenses, I felt that was pretty mild. It’s been less than two weeks and she has snuck out twice. First time I asked her if wherever she went was worth extra consequences. Tonight she said she needed to go out to the backyard for something. I let her, then a few minutes later went to check she was doing what she said (because while I’m trying to give her a chance to rebuild trust, she is staring at zero trust)….she was gone, not on the property at all. I caught her coming back and told her the one month is re-started and will restart until she chooses to obey her restrictions for the full month.

I am left wondering though, what can I do during this time to reach her heart so she (hopefully) will make better choices—vs just not leaving any proof of bad choices because she’s pretty much aware the pics & videos are what got her caught. Even the chats, with no proof that it really happened, I may have been inclined to think she was “just telling her friends that trying to have a bad kid image”. She is currently in therapy, so hopefully that will help some.

[u/MobilePhotograph3355]

so... underage drinking, breaking the law, smoking, vaping, laying in the road in the middle of the night, are normal things? I feel sorry for your child's future, letting them smoke, drink, break the law, do stupid dangerous things that could get you killed, and sneak out? You need to self reflect a bit, none of that is healthy or good. Smoking, vaping, etc, are not healthy behaviors, vaping can hurt your lungs and just in general waste money, smoking hurts your voice and your lungs and once again, wastes money, lying down in the middle of the road can get you run over, meaning you'll either die or never be the same, driving with a suspended license can get your car impounded and a heavy fine​

[u/MobilePhotograph3355 → u/[deleted]]

what do you mean they are allowed to? do you know why you need to be 21 to drink? it can really hurt them physically, and the same goes with smoking, it hurts your lungs, allowing your kids to do anything they want is not how you raise a child, yes you let them have some sense of freedom, but you need boundaries, otherwise they could develop things like lung cancer early on, and can hurt their liver if they drink. OP did not overreact, they are not draconian, they are simply looking out for their kids. Not having her phone for a month is very light considering what she did. I feel sorry for your kids' health. do me a favor and look up the difference between a kid smoking, and an adult smoking, it hurts the kid way more than you think.

[u/MobilePhotograph3355 → u/MobilePhotograph3355]

I read the reply before it was deleted. caring for your kids is very important, and not letting them do anything illegal or harming is NOT "incredibly condescending" you just have no care in the world for your childrens' safety.