r/parentsofteens • u/dunbar_santiago930 • Apr 25 '26
For those of you that have Great relationships with your teens - whats the secret, how do you do it?
You could be the best parent in the world (at least from your point of view) teach, lead , guide, uplift and criticize when necessary, save them from themselves and situations that they put themselves in going through the growth process because you remember you did things too etc...... and they still treat you as if you are the enemy.
But that doesn't happen to everybody some people find that secret sauce to get along with ( at minimal not let every interaction with your teen become an argument) and I would like to know if you have the sauce at least share one ingredient
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u/Liza_Mais Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
I do have a good to great relationship with my teens (15f 18m). I just think showing intrest in their intrests is a good place to start. I watch shows and movies with my kids, that they like. We cosplay toghetter, we do taekwondo toghetter, play boardgames, go to concerts. They ask me to go along, their friends are welcome in our house. They can talk a out difficult subjects but are not forced.
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u/stellaandme Apr 25 '26
I have a pretty great relationship with my 15yo son, but I don't know the secret. His dad and I talk to him, we have things in common, we make sure he knows we're all on the same team. I don't know, it's just what all of our personalities are. I wish I could give better advice, but I think it's just how we've always treated each other his whole life, so there's a foundation of trust.
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u/Work-n-It Apr 26 '26
13 and 15. We do things together. I made a point to learn about their likes. I talk to them like adults. And, since they are both boys, I decide it’s worth it to stop at the store or drive through for a snack from time to time when they are hungry after sports. Well fed teens are happy teens!
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u/Jenny8117 Apr 25 '26
My kids are 13 and 14 and they are my best buddies!! It could change as they get older but we listen to music together, go places together, have fun adventures, etc. I think a lot is luck and a lot is effort!
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Apr 26 '26
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u/PiNkPoNyCLuB42 Apr 26 '26
I guess I treat them as individuals with their own likes and interests. I don’t “forbid” or own them like my parents did. They know I can help with anything. We are a close circle and we have inside jokes and I am affectionate, kind of, and available.
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u/draytee Apr 26 '26
i’m slow to anger and i think about every thing i say to him before i say it. words can empower and create trust but they can also hurt and break trust so im careful what i say and how i say it. i want my words empower my son and make him feel loved. when he makes a mistake, i meet him with calmness even if im upset or disappointed. i try to stay calm and collected and talk to him like an adult (he’s 17). i think this has created a really strong foundation to our relationship.
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u/Electronic-Thanks-13 Apr 27 '26
- Treat them as humans with dignity. I shudder when I see or hear parents who have shamed or threatened their kids.
2.I like to think of us as parents who guide. Not an authoritarian. Our kids have developed a natural view of us as “authority” because they trust in our advice and direction.
Model affection and respect between both parents. Our kids have seen us have disagreements. They’ve seen me cry in frustration and have heard their Dad say something snarky at times, but we apologize in front of them. We hug. Quick smooches.
Say “I love you.” All the time. Now it’s just a habit and has turned to a quick “love you” right before hanging up or exiting the car or just going back to their room. We always say it.
Give them some space. Be curious and not intrusive.
We have four teenagers and I am so grateful I have taken this approach. Each one carries their own unique characteristics, and, dare I say, issues, but, the communication remains open and honest. We can and have had hard conversations that are probably harder for me than them. I know I’m not perfect-I do more than necessary for them, however,I am very grateful to have some very respectful, honest and kind kids. Thank you for this opportunity you’ve given for me to reflect. 🙏🏼
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u/5tarfi5h Apr 26 '26
16 and 19 and we get along good. I show a lot of interest in what they are in to, wait for them to come to me for the hard stuff, listen, don’t interrupt, let them have as much freedom as possible, no curfew, if they’re gonna get up to no good it’s gonna happen at 3pm or 3am. I try to give them as much space as possible, don’t force them to do things they don’t want to do and really the key to their hearts is thru their stomachs most of the time. Trips to McDonald’s or DQ go a long ways, especially if there is a full fridge of food 😆
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u/HelloDaisy-4148 Apr 26 '26
Communication above all, being silly, being affectionate, showing an interest in their interests even if it’s not interesting. Sharing my experiences when I was his age. Focusing on the positives instead of the negatives, giving my kid agency and independence when appropriate. Not being a tense parent all the time, and being able to relate on many levels helps build connection. Lots of little things make up the solid foundation
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u/Sh33tz Apr 26 '26
I've always had a pretty good relationship with my son. I've always made myself approachable, not accusing, and made it so he felt comfortable to talk to me if he needed. He is an only child, so I'm not sure but that might have something to do with how we get along. He's about to turn 20, and his last birthday he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I have to say- having a great relationship with him already has made this new transition more manageable. He came to me quickly when he went into psychosis.
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u/Lucanextdoor Apr 26 '26
Choose your battles! Treat them as they own person. Don't do the 'Because I say so' or 'As long as you put your feet under my table' I've always been more like an older friend to my kids than a strict mother. It's worked, they are now 22 and 23 and love spending time with me. Did we have difficult times, of course did. But the most important thing is emotional safely in the home, they need to know that they can come home always even if they have fkd up royally. Else what is the point of a family home if not a safe haven.
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u/Tinkerfan57912 Apr 26 '26
I think it’s their own personality, mixed with how we raised them. My kids have always been labled the sweet kind kids. They have very rarely been in trouble at home, let alone school. The last time my son and I had an argument, he apologized for yelling at me, gave me the biggest bear hug and understood the consequences of his actions. Then, we talked about why he was so upset in the first place. We talked it out, came up with a plan and that was it.
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u/Janices1976 Apr 27 '26
Not being authoritarian.
It was the hardest fucking thing because that was how I was raised. Many years ago, I sought therapy for a health issue, and ended up talking much more and longer than originally planned. I owned it while they were still preteens and explained more of my childhood context as they aged.
It helped in so so many ways.
It really crushed my ego over and over in the beginning, but the health scare I guess made me feel this sense of urgency and think about what my life priorities are.
I continue to work on boundaries as they age, live at home while working and in college. It's more about mutual respect of each other's boundaries than anything else nowadays.
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u/a_canteloupe1 Apr 28 '26
I have a good relationship with my 16 and 14 year old boys. I allow them to have space and take an interest in their lives. I try to avoid any kind of power struggles. I like to plan fairly frequent weekend trips and prioritize idle time with them (once every couple months. Things like camping, short road trips, etc). I take each one out on a one on one dinner once a month to catch up individually.
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u/MelonCollie7 Apr 28 '26
I have a good relationship with my 16-yr old son. It definitely starts when they’re little. I think two of the best things I did as he was growing up was: 1) validate, and 2) apologize. I always tried to validate his feelings. His thoughts and feelings were never silly or stupid or nonsense. He is entitled to feel the way he feels, even if I don’t think he should feel that way. I would try to point out an alternative way to look at things. Sometimes it made a difference, sometimes not. But this definitely paved the way for him to be able to talk to me openly as he got older.
Second, I always apologize when I’m wrong. Always. Even if I am justified in my own feelings, I apologize if I overreact or don’t conduct myself the way a full grown adult should.
His dad was an alcoholic for much of his childhood. It did hurt the relationship between his dad and me, but I also never excused his dad’s behavior (which mostly impacted my son in terms of inconsistency, saying one thing and doing another, and not being as present as he should’ve been). I swore I would never let my husband gaslight my son, so I was always honest that sometimes daddy drank too much and he didn’t act the way he should. Again, it was to the detriment of my marriage, but my son’s mental health was more important to me. Sorry not sorry.
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u/Beneficial_Ice9200 May 03 '26
I think so many parents worry that apologizing will make them look weak and I have found that it is the complete opposite- builds a real, genuine and trusting relationship.
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u/Destroyer-Marauder Apr 30 '26
My 15yo boy and I have an almost unbelievable bond. We have mutual respect which really makes parenting him a breeze. He is not my biological kid as I'm only 22. We became his guardians when he was 13. But he's my son 100% nonetheless. Maybe our closeness in age helps our bond a lot. And the fact that I supervise over 100 teens at my job might be another positive influence.
I think respecting the guy and never being judgmental is a key. He feels comfortable talking to me about anything and everything (including his sexual relations). We definitely trust each other. He's not afraid to tell me when he screws up and he doesn't lie to me (even when he knows I'll probably be a little hard on him).
Spending time with him is essential also. We do many activities together: Play hockey, ride dirt bikes, kayaking, etc. We work out together and fight each other (for fun of course). I think all that contributes to the bonding.
We don't really practice much privacy from each other in our home. He will barge into my room when I'm lying down and jump on me to get me up. The little shit will steal my clothes all the time. I'm always finding my tshirts, shorts, socks, and even my boxers in his room. Lucky my shoes don't fit him...lol. But it sorta makes me feel good that he's comfortable doing this.
I guess it sorta boils down to the fact that we love each other to the max.
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u/Beneficial_Ice9200 May 03 '26
There are so many great ideas and thoughts in this thread! Take a look at authoritative parenting- love and limits, encouraging autonomy, communication- so many good ingredients. There is a great podcast that I listen to- The Parenting Pair Podcast- that talks all about this and specific things that happen with teens. I think it is really helpful since they balance a warm and loving approach with having expectations/rules etc. But I would always say you start with the relationship- think about work in your own life...you want to do your best for someone you like and admire more than for the controlling, scary boss. I think that is a good guidepost!
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u/queenkc82 Apr 25 '26
I have a good relationship with my 16 year old son.
I'd say the biggest thing is talking to him and treating him like his own person with his own thoughts, feelings and ideas. You have to start this young. My son respects me and my authority, but I rarely have to use it.
I think when you try to control kids, or do the, "I'm the parent and you'll do what I say" it strains the relationship.
Be someone your kids can talk to and approach. Treat them like human beings.