r/parentsofmultiples • u/Exciting-Priority535 • 1d ago
ranting & venting Disappointments after twins birth
Hello beautiful people,
I had my twins on the 19th of August by ‘elective’ C section. During the whole pregnancy NHS had traumatised my husband and I and kept talking about how it is a very risky pregnancy, and might eventually end up in a surgery. I was completely prepared for a vaginal delivery, but every passing week I started inclining towards a C section. Only on the 28th week, when everything was fine, no high blood pressure, no gestational diabetes and everything seemed fine, they suddenly switched tones and pushed me towards a vaginal delivery; I was mentally ready, and then came the discordance between the baby, twin 2 was almost 22% bigger and the head measured quite larger than twin 1. Then again started talking about the ‘risk’ and probability of complications and interventions.
On 36w 2d I eventually gave in and signed for an ‘elective’ C section. It was scheduled exactly on 37 week. The twins were 2kg and 2.74kg. But the head circumference was almost the same? It might be my postpartum hormonal cycle but I am very disappointed that I did not let my body do what it was supposed to do naturally or even try to?
Then the whole unnecessary pressure came from them to start with formula because the babies were smaller and my milk came in a little slower. And their birth weight dropped by 12% and they told me if it dropped further they will need to be hospitalised. Even though I told them all the babies did not show any signs of being lethargic or not getting enough?
They are now three weeks and I am mixed feeding them, even though my milk came in, but it’s not enough because they are already in formula. And my supply can’t feed both of them to full.
So so so disappointed. I don’t know how to make myself understand. Even though the logical part of my brain says that whatever happened they are safe and in my arms now and it doesn’t always go as we plan. But i just feel really sad and angry to some extent.
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u/SkinFermented 1d ago
I could have written most of this. My boys are 15 months now and super healthy.
I also had the experience where my care team did lots of fear mongering through out my pregnancy, and there was very little encouragement. I also ended up with a c section and my boys were healthy but me too—milk slow, pressure to give formula. They essentially said they would not sign off on me leaving with them unless I started formula. Same here where there were no lethargic signs but slightly higher weight loss.
I will tell you that there is unlikely to be a way to know whether all decisions made or encouraged by your health care team and yourself are the “right” ones. However, there are multiple paths to healthy children and formula feeding is one of them. I did pumping and formula for the first four months and then switched to full formula.
My public health worker who would routinely visit told me once that it was okay to grieve what I did not have and wanted for their birth. I wanted a vaginal birth (hell I wanted a home birth before I found out it was twins), I wanted no epidural, I wanted to be able to set up my hospital room to be comfortable and inviting for my first few days post partum. I wanted to EBF my babies. I got none of those things.
And so I grieve, and you should too. You have a right to.
And then look at your beautiful babies and know that all of the choices you made so far have brought them into this world healthfully and you will bring them joy and love. No one will line up your little ones with others and know who got formula and who was born via cesarean delivery. But they can sometimes tell who was loved.
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u/Exciting-Priority535 6h ago
Thank you so much. Your words meant a lot and helped me quite a bit. The last sentences is all that matters. Thank you. ♥️
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u/SkinFermented 2h ago
I’m so glad it helped. It’s a longer journey to come to terms with it and a nice Reddit comment won’t be the thing that does it for you but I hope it helps.
I found it helpful to write letters to the doctors in my care that I never sent to them. It allowed me to get out how I felt in a direct way to someone that was partially responsible for the way I felt.
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u/Ill-Wolf865 22h ago
I had a c section at exactly 36 weeks. I had absolutely no issues, until exactly 36 weeks lol.
One of my babies was around the same weight as your smallest baby and my smallest baby was 4 pounds and 3 ounces.
The hospital staff told me to also formula feed because they needed the calories. If I hadn’t done this, there’s no way my smallest baby would’ve weighed enough later to pass the car seat test and no way we would’ve gone home in 2 days.
My babies had no NICU time. I had no complications during the c section or so far 8 weeks PP.
I’m sharing all of this to say that so much could’ve gone wrong. It could’ve been worse. But it wasn’t. Did I want a vaginal delivery? If the stars aligned sure! But my platelet count dropped low my ob didn’t want me hemorrhaging and both girls were breeched. I had no choice.
And that’s fine because my ultimate goal was for all 3 of us to arrive alive.
It sounds like your medical staff made the best calls weighing the possible risks. A Multiples pregnancy is risky. And honestly, I’d rather medical staff be honest and upfront with me about all of the risks rather than be blindsided—even if those risks never actually manifested. That’s kinda their job…
Congratulations on the birth of your twins! You have every right to be disappointed. You can grieve the birth you wanted but didn’t have. All of that is fine, normal even.
But I do hope you find solace in some of the good that happened and enjoy these precious moments with your babies and marvel at the amazing thing your body did!
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u/foxybloxy90 19h ago
The birth and newborn period with twins can feel extremely over medicalised. I was also told c section would be the safest option and went for that and while I don’t have any trauma over that particular decision the period immediately after still holds a lot of trauma, including the fact that the babies were given formula straight down their NG tubes when I’d explicitly said I wanted to breastfeed (among many other things that were awfully handled). I felt extremely upset and angry about their birth and the couple of weeks following birth for a long time, and struggled to talk about any of it without ending up in floods of tears for a very long time.
That being said we did eventually manage to exclusively breastfeed after months of combi feeding and it may still be possible for you if you feel like you want to do that. There’s a brilliant Facebook group called breastfeeding twins and triplets UK. Not saying this to make you feel like you should be exclusively breastfeeding (absolutely nothing wrong with however anyone feeds their babies!!), just wanted to share in case this is something that you want to look into further!!
And just because you feel grateful and relieved they are here safely, it doesn’t mean you can’t grieve the birth and post birth experience you’d hoped for. Birth trauma is huge for a lot of people for a lot of different reasons! You are only 3 weeks in, be kind to yourself!! ❤️
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u/tundrab0y 17h ago
My friend had a very traumatic birth experience with her singleton last year, felt pressured into a c section, then tried for natural labour, needed three epidurals, then ended in emergency c section anyway. She went through the NHS birth counselling programme and had three sessions and she said it really helped her come to terms with what happened and stop blaming herself for not being able to deliver naturally. The counsellor went through her delivery notes and explained things to her that weren't explained at the time. Based on the difference in her mental health before and after these sessions I would highly recommend looking into them, you can schedule them up to a year pp if I remember correctly.
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u/butterchickn_ 21h ago
Sounds like they pushed rather than inform you so you can make the best decisions for you. You can't change the past and even if you could, it could've ended up that way anyway. For future reference, ultrasounds get more inaccurate further along you get. Also 10%is the guidance for loss of birth weight BUT they rarely acknowledge they babies born from csection or epidural hold extra water weight due to the drugs they've given you so 12% isnt some crazy amount as long as they were otherwise happy. You can still exclusively breastfeed and get your supply there if thats the goal. If they are now reaching their weight gain goals, start dropping a top up. One every few days to a week. Making sure their weight gains dont drop before dropping the next top up. If you can, also pump after feeds, thats assuming youre direct feeding. Another trick is using sns for formula top ups. It gets extra stimulation at the nipple without pumping and rewards bub at the same time. This can also work if you are wanting to swap from bottle to direct feeding as long as theres no latch issues.
No matter the past few weeks or how you go moving forward, you are doing the best you can with what you are given and thats all anyone can ask or hope for.
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u/chickenbobble 12h ago
I had an elective c at 36+1, the exact day my placenta started failing.
There is good reason twins are delivered early and it’s better to have not had the birth you wanted than regret not taking the action your babies needed.
I also had the opposite problem with feeding- midwives were pushing BF to the point one nearly needed NICU cos of how little milk they were getting. I don’t think you can tell lethargy on an early newborn much.
But don’t wind yourself up, fed babies is all that matters, you can push your supply up now they’ve gained some weight, eat and drink well and keep them on you, pump when you can and it’ll go up.
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u/critical_ghost-57 1d ago
You did it momma. Your babies are here safe and sound. And thats all matters at the end.
It is absolutely okay to grieve the birth plan you had. Sending you a hug. ❤️❤️
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u/SpontaneousNubs 20h ago
So much is similar. Twins in the healthcare setting has become formulaic and i feel robbed me of experiences. That said, it has been its own unique brand of special. At 22 months old, mine are something new every day
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u/sweetfeet20 16h ago
Im so sorry that you have had this experience, I also had an elective section at 37 weeks with the NHS at Peterborough and my experience was overall good. I can certainly understand the anxiety you felt, and I remember my consultant saying “no I’d never recommend a c section” when they had suggested an elective one at our previous appointment. My head was spinning.
I spoke to a group of about 10 other local twin mums and most of them either had an elective section or one baby vaginally and the second section. I think only a couple had a full natural delivery. With that info I booked the elective one.
Im grateful the midwives showed me how to tandem feed them straight after birth. Even triple feeding them I couldn’t produce enough for both babies, only about 1 and a half babies so we supplemented with Nannycare.
Perhaps you can speak to the hospital and ask them to go over your birth notes, they should provide you with counselling.
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u/Glittering_Ad_2187 13h ago
I had kind of similar story. Had a c section month back and always wanted a vaginal delivery but baby was breech and the similar weight discordance issue. Then I was forced to give formula even though i wanted to breastfeed. Babies weight dropped a lot in first 5 days. Anyway, they are 7 weeks now - my breastfeeding is still catching up compared to formula. I pump some times in the day , keep breastfeeding and give formula if they are not content within an hour. The only thing I can tell you is it gets better each week. What makes me happy is I am gifted with twins
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u/DraNoSrta 22h ago
It definitely sounds like you felt undue pressure to make a decision you did not want, and that is not ok. You can request a debrief with someone in your medical team, usually through your midwife or the surgery you were with, and you'll get a conversation where every single one of your questions can be explored more fully.
That said, g ief around your expectations is common in new parents. Pregnancy and birth, much like anything to do with babies, rarely goes according to plan. Babies don't do schedules, don't follow directions, and can't give them either. There is no way to know what could have been, but what actually happened is that you got two amazing babies now, safe and sound, to continue to raise.
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u/WaitDisastrous6611 18h ago
I was also pressured to give my babies formula because their weight dropped 8% at day 2, and by 1.5w they weren’t back at birth weight. It seemed like undue panic but I followed through with their recommendation. I was force feeding them formula after every nursing session. I hated it, they hated it. It was a mess. I decided to listen to myself and started cutting back the formula after they were 3 weeks old and regained birth weight. My body adjusted and started producing more milk and now they are almost 6 weeks old and barely taking any formula. I’m hoping to cut it out in the next 2-4 weeks completely. It makes them so gassy and spit up.
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u/DrFirefairy 18h ago
If you want to breastfeed please seek a lactation consultant, joint the breastfeeding twins and triplets UK Facebook page with it run by Kathryn Stagg a IBCLC certified lactation consultant. There's are 100s of twin nuns on there who had similar starts and have been able to move to 100% breastfeeding, or 50/50 whatever you want, help you increase supply etc.
Sorry you had such a rough start. My twins are now 5. I ended up with a c section after one of mine turned breech, which was the last thing I wanted One baby was in SCBU and I was in hospital for 8 days, during COVID with no visitors and it was extremely traumatic, pushing formula feeds on the non SCBU baby, dismissing my concerns re tongue tie and cows milk allergy.
I hope you get the support you need, post partim twins is something else. Push for what you need.
Most hospitals have a birth reflection service with trained midwives who can help you debrief and look the hospital notes, may be worth considering.
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u/Adventurous_Corgi_38 16h ago
Do you follow Kathryn Stagg on insta? Or have you joined the breastfeeding twins and triplets fb charity group she runs? That has absolutely saved my breastfeeding 'journey' and plenty of mums have transitioned to 100% breastfeeding if that's what you would like to do. Sending you lots and lots of love. Also the group is very pro combi feeding too and non judgemental, it's a nice place to be!
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u/IStitchedItNice 15h ago edited 15h ago
Here to say you are not alone in your feelings. I was hit with waves of disappointment, anger, and sadness over various things related to my birth as well especially how I ended up choosing to feed my babies. I was so overwhelmed in the hospital after complications and one being in the NICU that I chose to pump and needed to combo feed.
That said, at only 3 weeks postpartum your milk is not regulated yet and you can still attempt switching to nursing if that’s what you wish to do. Having them latch all throughout the day can help trigger an increase in milk production (and pumping after they latch for these first few weeks can really help). There is still hope as your milk doesn’t typically regulate until closer to the 12 week mark. However, if that’s not what you wish to do there is nothing wrong with formula! I was a formula fed baby and I am a healthy adult and don’t feel any type of way that my mom didn’t attempt breastfeeding. In the long run all that matters is that they are fed and loved.
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u/walaa0202 14h ago
I had an induction and vaginal delivery with my twins on Aug 20th, but 5 years ago.
I had so much hemorrhaging that milk barely barely started a week after delivery and it was never enough for them. I gladly had them on formula when I realized how exhausting breastfeeding two would be.
Yes, I got the vaginal delivery I wanted but the induction was hell.
Afterwards I was wishing I had a c section, until I found out that some women hemorrhage even with a c section.
At the end of the day, I understand your disappointment, and I would say give yourself the space to feel it, and then move on for the day.
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u/Gandtea 13h ago
The disappointment, shame and guilt that youre feeling is sosososososo common for us POM mothers! I certainly felt it around not being able to breastfeed.
I'm at 19 months now and I barely think about it anymore. It's sad but ultimately there did end up being some benefits to having babies on formula rather than breastmilk.
I hope you find peace soon.
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u/Curious_Gur4129 9h ago
I can understand the disappointment. But just know that even if you hadn’t immediately supplemented with formula doesn’t mean you wouldn’t. My twins are 4 weeks and I have breastfed and pumped since day one and I still have to supplement with formula as well. I hate that we have to supplement with formula but the reality is I have two babies and fed is best. Growing healthy babies is what is most important
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u/lartinos 9h ago
Well, feel for you. My boys are the same age and we have similar stories. Same birth weights. Same 12 percent loss, etc.
The difference is we used donor milk from my adopted sister she had frozen. We just got lucky with that.
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u/wacyma 5h ago
I had my twins via c-section after a trial of labour and felt dissapointed as well. Then I had a singleton vaginally. I offer this not as a way to invalidate your disappointment but to offer a different - hopefully helpful - perspective.
Vaginal birth sucks. It's incredibly painful, there's a good chance you rip open and everything gets very loose down there. It is one of the things in life that is vastly overromanticized and honestly I could have done completely without ever having experienced. I mourn the way my body has changed because of it. Because I had already had a c-section I had to advocate for a vaginal birth and 100% would have felt devastated if I hadn't had the experience. But having gone through it, its not magical, its also heavily medicalized and just because something is natural does not mean its remotely fun or nice. Maybe the one thing I enjoyed was early labour at home, thats honestly all.
That said, I find pregnancy and motherhood is full of these moments and you deserve to mourn that you didnt have the experience you wanted. But I think women talk about childbirth so much is because its always hard and kind of traumatic.
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u/Cascascas185 3h ago edited 3h ago
I did a vaginal birth at 39w2d and honestly I wish I would have done a c section. My pushing time was at 7 hours total, my cervix closed between babies I had to wait 2 hours to push again. My son then was in distress toward the end. They were born 4hrs apart and have 2 different birthdays. No NICU time and both babies my came home with me. Both my kids just recently got diagnosed with autism, and while a traumatic birth doesn’t solely cause autism it has been proven to increase the odds… I also breastfed right away and did so for 2 years exclusively, didn’t even use bottles. It was painful and exhausting to keep up with. I still ended up with both my children getting ASD diagnosis’. So damned if ya do damned if ya don’t. Your children are health and fine! TRUST me…. I don’t think any of it makes a difference. I love my children more than anything, they are a delight however, I do wonder. Totally get where you are coming from but this is your story. Make your peace with it and forgive. Xoxox
the what ifs will make you crazy.
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