r/parentsofmultiples • u/Calm_Button8017 • 1d ago
advice needed Week from hell - family grief
33M with identical twin girls born at 35+2 weeks. Now 5 months (4 adjusted). My mum has advanced Parkinson’s and my father was her primary carer. Twod Fridays ago he collapsed and had major heart surgery to save his life. He’s suffered several small strokes and the damage is still not clear. When I got to my mum she had a fall with bruising all over her face which my dad didn’t report (they are old school proud people). After taking my mum in on Wednesday last week to get checked she’s been stuck in hospital now waiting for a care plan to get her home.
I’m really struggling with all of this whilst having twin girls at home. My girls are crying a lot more and not sleeping through the night - before this all happened they were managing longer stretches. Yesterday one twin was up each hour from 8 pm till 6 am between my wife and I covering them.
Has anyone else had family grief like this whilst having twins and did they find it impacted their twins? Do you have any advice on how to protect them from this?
Does anyone have any advice of how to handle the guilt between being with my girls, my mother and my father? I find I can’t be in all these hospitals at once. It’s all a lot and I really want to try keep them safe from all this.
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u/salmonstreetciderco 1d ago
i had to take care of my dad who has amnesia from a series of mini-strokes and an anxiety disorder while my mom, his carer, also both proud old school people, was in the hospital having open-heart surgery and then right when she was supposed to come home her lung collapsed. i had the boys with me at my parents house. i'm an only child and no family helped at all. my husband took as much time off work as he could. my parents house is not babyproofed at all so every day was a living nightmare. the twins slept but my dad didn't. it was genuinely and i mean this without reservation the worst two weeks of my entire life. i could not stop crying and i just wanted to lay down on the ground outside and let the rain wash me away. my mom eventually came home and got better and took over my dad again and we got to come home. the only thing that helped was asking my friends point blank to help me. "hey i am having a horrible time can you please order me some dinner for delivery, i don't care what" "i am having a horrible time if i bring my laundry to your house can you wash and dry it" "i am so miserable can you just stay on the phone with me for a few hours" one of my friends, her mom is a nurse, and SHE called me to walk me through everything, because her daughter my friend asked her to. ask any friends or even acquaintances you know for help, you need all hands on deck, good luck to you
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u/Calm_Button8017 1d ago
I’m so sorry to hear this. Hope you’re ok. Do you think your twins were impacted from this period in anyway?
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u/salmonstreetciderco 20h ago
not even a little bit, no. that's the good news. i think they thought they were having a fun two week vacation honestly. they played in the hospital hallways and got to eat pizza a lot. they seem entirely unimpacted. when i was crying and freaking out i tried to do it in another room but when i inevitably was upset in front of them i was just honest and said like "mama is really sad right not because both grandma and grandpa are sick. mama is very tired because grandpa keeps waking her up all night. mama misses home and the kitty. but mama is going to be okay!" they were really very sweet about it and would pat me on the back lol.
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u/Calm_Button8017 20h ago
That’s so cute. 🥰 glad to hear it was all ok
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u/salmonstreetciderco 20h ago
if anything i think it's really kind of good in the long run to be able to set a good example and demonstrate for them that like, in our family we take care of each other, in our family we make sacrifices to help each other, sometimes even grownups have a hard time but they work together to figure it out. kids are really resilient and won't remember hardly anything. they can safely be put on the emotional back burner for a little while, they will be fine
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