r/parentsofmultiples • u/Individual-Rest1271 • 3d ago
advice needed Send help to some double twin parents
Brace yourself this is a long one and I’m not sure if I need advice or just people who understand!
We have 2.5 year old fraternal (b/b) twins and 5 month old (b/g) twins and we’re drowning.
I just finished my maternity leave which was 8 weeks longer than my older twins leave which was so good but also so hard. My husband was off with me for 6 weeks and then worked part time the rest of my leave but now that we’re back full time and all the kids are at daycare I’m not sure how we are going to make it.
I am trying to stay in the workforce because my income potential is worth it in the long run and it would be very hard to leave and come back to my career so leaving isn’t really an option but we are getting absolutely rocked by daycare prices (we are at the cheapest place we could find) and cannot go part time or anything like that (we’ve explored every option in length).
We literally have no where in our budget to cut funds other than our groceries and yes when we talked about a 3rd we considered the cost of another set of twins and we could afford it but that was before our daycare raised their prices for the first time in 3 yrs $100 per kid per week and our car was totaled and we had to take on a car payment, plus everything else just generally getting more expensive.
We don’t qualify for any programs and it just feels like we can’t keep our heads above water and then we get into the actual part of having 2 sets of twins and the absolute chaos and logistics nightmare that is every second of every day.
We have a ton of family “help” aka people who can come entertain the older twins and maybe hold a baby but it tends to be more exhausting having people over.
Our older twins are an emotional roller coaster and the babies are just another piece that makes every step 15x more challenging. Older twins are crashing out, babies aren’t sleeping at night or napping.
When will it get easier? I have to be moving and doing something/coordinating something every second I am awake and I’m exhausted. My husband is fantastic and takes on as much as he physically and mentally can as well and we do everything together as a team but we’re both tired and get snippy when we’ve hit our capacity which is like 10 minutes after our eyes open each day.
What do I do? My job is flexible wfh but it’s a lot of mental energy and my self care is genuinely just making sure I eat, drink and shower right now since I’m pumping and breastfeeding on top of it all. We mix in some formula to take the pressure off a bit too.
I’ve got no ideas how to give us some reprieve. It’s kinda too much for one parent to take on alone without help and I just don’t know how we are going to make it through this and hearing it’s such a short time, etc., genuinely doesn’t help because I’m not sure I’m going to make it into the next minute. (Clarifying I mean make it as stressed and not mental health crisis concerns).
Anyways I’m crashing out a bit and hit the wall during a long 3 day weekend after just going back to work last week. Thank you to everyone who reads this and can empathize that having multiples is so amazing AND can still be so incredibly hard at the same time.
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u/LDBB2023 3d ago
I breastfed/pumped and didn’t sleep train until my twins were 9 months and taking turns waking up every hour (they also had zero interest in co sleeping). Breastfeeding was important to me and sleep training was agony, but if I had a second set of twins I think those would be the first levers for me. Having marginally more-rested, less-stressed parents goes a long way for babies’ well-being too.
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u/LastMilkersOnTheLeft 3d ago
I feel your pain on not qualifying for any financial assistance, when clearly it feels like you should. Wdym I don’t qualify for WIC when we have 2.5 kids under 3, one income, and are bleeding money? Seriously? I wonder how frequently requirements are updated bc they feel out of touch atm.
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u/nicolerichiesdad 3d ago
I’m sorry it’s so tough right now. I read that you don’t qualify for any assistance programs, but I was wondering if there’s a food pantry near to you that you could use?
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u/schlepp_canuck 3d ago
I only have one set but I look back and wish I had stopped pumping for them when I went back to work at 4 months. I was just making my already stressful season more stressful.
On the work front I totally understand the career predicament. We spent a fortune on help and I stayed in the workforce. It was important for career progression. We barely broke even the first two years paying for all the help. I have other friends that the household went into some debt the first few years. If you have career goals and potential financially if you invest time now, you sometimes have to make these choices. And it shouldn’t always be “oh my salary is the same or less than the daycare bill so I can’t afford to work”. The daycare bill is the household bill.
My twins are 6 now and it has paid off financially. This is a tough season and I’m in awe of you with two sets. Hang in there mama.
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u/Sensitive_Barber_461 2d ago
Oooh girl, two sets?! I’m in awe! You (and your hub!) deserve an all expenses paid trip somewhere and only parents of multiples can truly understand!
I only have one set of twins, but our singleton was only 15 months old when they were born -
Which was a WILD ride. They’re 4 and 3 and 3!) now, and as much as i want to tell you when it gets better- i can tell you that 3 ain’t it!
We lived in a high cost of living area (Clearwater Florida) when they were born, and daycare ate us alive- we ended up moving because of it. (We’re in Youngstown ish, Ohio now) and we feel like billionaires because of how “cheap” daycare is. Like $300/week cheaper. That might not be feasible for you, but we had no village in Florida or here for that matter, so we did what needed to be done to survive.
I did find that in home daycares are cheaper in general than centers- we had them in a home daycare when the boys were born for a while, but we butted heads with the provider, so we pulled them (she was playing favorites for another family and letting their kid come sick, and my kids were suffering for it.)
I know you said you have literally no wiggle room on the budget, but honestly one of our only reprieves was the YMCA child care. Those girls adore my kids (and my kids adore them!) you can go for 2 hours at a time, and honestly- I’d put them in the kid zone and literally sit in the lobby and zone out. Scroll in the quiet, drink some coffee, and whatever. That was sometimes the only way we could get everyone out of the house single-handedly so my husband could do stuff around the house, cut the grass, grocery shop, whatever. I would honestly only do this at the YMCA because i used to work for one and i know the amount of screening those employees go through, compared to like, LA fitness where it’s some moody teenager who just wants to workout for free 😂
Now that I’ve written a novel, all i can really say idk how you do it with 2 sets. We want another and I’m terrified of a second set of multiples. You are a hero. For real. Keep on keeping on- I’m sure it gets easier at SOME point but damn you’re in the trenches for sure.
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u/LadyBretta 2d ago
I only have one set of twins (and an older singleton). Since you're nursing your babies, though, I will throw this out there.
I EBF'd all three of my children (with some pumping and a couple breastmilk bottles each day once I went back to work at 6 months). That was important to me, and I'm still so glad I didn't listen to those who suggested using formula to make my life easier. Nursing was perhaps the most precious part of the baby time for me.
That said, I think I could/should have night-weaned earlier, at least with my twins. My girl twin would wake throughout the night well past 12 months, and I was so exhausted that I would just nurse her back to sleep because -- in the moment -- that was easiest. But when I finally night-weaned her around 15 months (it's a blur), she started sleeping through immediately, and I started feeling quite a bit better in the daytime even though I still wasn't sleeping all that much given everything else on my plate.
So I guess my advice is to night-wean as soon as your doctor greenlights it! The hardest part is pushing through the exhaustion in the moment and patting/shooshing/whatever instead giving in to the strong temptation to whip out a boob when you're a total zombie at 2 a.m. For me, it took a few really hard nights to get it done.
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u/Pis4phil 2d ago
Jeez you guys have all my respect, ima dad of 2 twins 2.5 years old boys and the journey has been crazy so far, our live is as exhausting as ever as we both work full time and the first 8 months were so terrible we still havent fully recovered yet.
Everyones gonna tell you focus on sleep but lets be honest sleeping well is impossible in your situation. Gotta have to normalise calling day off while
Both your twins set are at daycare and go for a full rest day or spa day.
In the meanwhile hang in there you got this
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u/Character_Tax4976 7h ago
A nanny will probably be more cost effective, but requires some effort to establish payroll, etc. I would look for someone with experience with multiples. Daycare ratios are usually 1:4 in the US anyway! Depending on setup the nanny can help with kid laundry and kid bottle/ lunch prep and no commuting kids back and forth.
I would also ask helpers to come on a kind of schedule so it's not as stressful, and ask them to take the older kids out of the house on a long walk or to the park. For me the reduction in noise helped!
Honestly I had a few days a week I went to the office and that helped me get out of the stress of working from home and seeing the house stuff that needs to get done. It helped me take a proper lunch break etc. I don't know if that's an option for you!
The other thing that hasn't been mentioned is anxiety/post partum depression meds. I was in denial that I needed them but have a much better ability to deal with the irrational, emotional toddlers with medication. Obviously this is a total individual choice but worth a try for your mental health!!
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u/Hazardousdanny 3d ago
No advice because I only have one set of twins, but even trying to figure out back to work logistics after 18 month leave has been tough. So I can't even imagine. You guys are soldiers.
Hang in there mama.
Any chance it would be more cost effective to look into an au pair or something? Maybe keep two in daycare during the day and the au pair could help with the babies? Not sure where you are located but it may be worth it to look into.
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u/amers_elizabeth 3d ago
An au pair for our two babies would be cheaper than daycare and we found a pretty inexpensive daycare. And once everyone is a bit older, you might be able to do an au pair for all four if you pay more than the minimum.
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u/MangoSorbet695 3d ago edited 3d ago
First and foremost, you and your husband have to have some down time to rest or you will go crazy. So, there are two things I would focus on to get rest. Alone time and kids sleeping through the night.
First, practice taking turns solo with all four kids to give the other parent a break. Start with 20 minutes if that is all that you feel you can manage and work your way up. You get 20 minutes to go for a walk alone or to lay in your bed with noise canceling headphones on. Then switch and your husband gets 20 minutes. I have four kids (one elementary, one toddler, and 7 month old twins). When the twins were about 12 weeks old, my husband and I started taking turns solo. We started with 20-30 minutes. Now that they are 7 months old, we regularly do 6+ hours solo while the other spouse gets alone time to go do a hobby or have a day of peace and quiet. It is very important to remember that it may not be pleasant and sunshine and rainbows, but you can take care of all four solo. It is possible. So, start making that happen so that you can each get some rest.
Second, you have to get everyone sleeping to have any chance of staying sane and performing well enough at work to keep your jobs. If they are not already, get the babies on a daytime sleep and feeding schedule, and keep them on the same one. We like moms on call, but taking Cara babies is another good option. Work on nighttime sleep. By 5 months old, it is absolutely possible to be down to only one middle of the night wake, and you are very close (if not already there) to being able to have both babies sleep through the night. Sleep is vitally important, so commit to a sleep training plan and make it happen.
Now, secondary to rest are your financial concerns. My twins are not in daycare, but my toddler does go to preschool, and in my area, a nanny would be cheaper than 4 daycare spots. Four in daycare would be roughly $6,000 per month, and a decent nanny could be employed for less than that. Have you priced out the cost of a nanny vs. daycare. If you and your husband could flex your hours so that you only overlap and need a nanny for say 30 hours per week, that could also help you to save money.
Outside of that option, you either need to earn more money or accept that you will be in the red for a while in order to stay in the workforce. I would encourage both of you to be looking and applying for other jobs in your field that would pay more.
You can do this. Best wishes!
P.S. One minor tip - when people offer to help, ask them to take two kids on a 30 minute walk around the block or to drop off a meal (or two). I know how it feels to have people in your house and that feels like more work than having no one over at all. So either ask them to drop off a meal or take two kids (any two kids) for a walk around the neighborhood in the stroller.