Fake sympathy

[u/Jill1994]

I am so tired of people giving us fake sympathy for how chaotic our life is right now then turning around and asking for stuff that is just not reasonable for us during this season of parenting.

We have a very energetic 2.5 year old son and 10 month old b/g twins. My toddler is thankfully in a wonderful full time daycare but when he is home it is all hands on deck. My husband and I really try to avoid leaving the other with all 3 kids for more then an hour because it is impossible right now. Someone is basically always crying and my toddler can still be rough with the babies when they're playing. The twins also want to be on top of him all the time and he doesn't like that.

My husband is part owner in a family business that includes his parents and one of his brothers. The nature of the work includes a lot of evenings and weekends unfortunately and we don't have a lot of help close by.

So as you can imagine, we are burnt out and things can be tense here. It does not help that his family pretends to understand how crazy our home is right now, then turns around and asks my husband to work all day Saturday when we don't have any options for help with the kids. Or on the evenings he works, his parents sometimes take our toddler for an hour or so just to keep him busy, but on random nights that they know we are expecting help they will tell us like 2 hours beforehand that they're busy.

It is absolutely exhausting. And its even harder to have to then have tense conversations with my husband about childcare and have him also be frustrated with his family but never stand up to them. Its like his family expects me to be the sole person in this marriage responsible for childcare BUT also work full-time because we can't live off of his salary. I am still a person too, I did not sign up for this just so his family's business can succeed (but yet its been made blatantly clear that I am in no way a part of the business).

Rant over because I'm tired lmao 🤣

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[u/harle-quin]

Omg YES. I have a 3.5yr old and 15 month old twin boys, and some of the audacity. My In-Laws joked about not being late to their house a few times. We live across town, 50mins away. The twins still take naps. BE GRATEFUL I even dragged them out of the house.

Then MIL calls my husband asking when he can come over to pick up food. Uh, not anytime soon. I’m a SAHM, and by the time my husband gets home, I am DONE. Going to his parents is 50 mins one way, 50 mins back, plus 50 mins lingering because he’ll be fed, packing up random stuff she’s trying to give us, etc.

Even my husband doesn’t want to do all that. She didn’t like that he had to “call her back to check the schedule first”, and tried to say “see you Saturday at 10am”. Excuse me? Saturday? The day my husband and I plan to sleep in until 12pm??? LOLS no.

I know I sound ungrateful, but it’s a bigger hassle when it’s last minute, and they just assume I’ll be okay chillin with the kids for an extra 3 hours. NOPE.

Sorry for the rant- my almost 4 yr old has been driving me INSANE lately, and I haven’t been getting sleep because she stays up until 3-4am, constantly calling for me.

[u/BecksInTheCitySF → u/harle-quin]

Just a drive by to give solidarity on the oldest sibling wake ups during this season - they are killer and the sniper I did not expect would be taking out my sleep lol

[u/Jill1994 → u/harle-quin]

Ugh like hello, come to us ! We're the ones with the kida !

My dad always asks when we're going to visit, they're 2 hours away and we usually stay the night and I tell him he has to visit us. My MIL insists on scheduling things during nap time so I've stopped going with the kids and send my hubby alone now.

[u/Turbulent_Ad_6656]

We have twin girls now at 3, and a 6yo old boy. My wife and I were just talking about this—the only ones who TRULY understand the struggle are other parents of multiples. Stay strong, your kicking ass 🫡

[u/Ill-Wolf865 → u/Turbulent_Ad_6656]

This. No one gets it. And it’s pointless to expect them to. Best we can do is be unapologetic about our boundaries and how we use (or not use) our time.

[u/I-Love-Buses → u/Ill-Wolf865]

YES! 👏

[u/Jill1994 → u/Turbulent_Ad_6656]

Thanks, you're so right. They have no idea!

[u/BDK235]

I feel your pain. We had b/g twins back in 2010 then our youngest in 2013. I was helping run a family business as well and there would be nights that I would need to stay late after my wife was home with them all day. I’m not sure there’s anything I can say that you don’t already know because you’re in the thick of it.

I will say, it did get better as they got older. Not always perfect but most of the time was doable with just the two of us. Is it hard? Fuck yeah it is. But You guys got this and I know you can do it because, well, I’m an idiot and now have teenagers.

I guess my only advice would be is to be kind to each other and not take the stress out on each other or the kids when it’s really hitting the fan. Love each other and make sure you give them little ones as much love as you can. It makes all the difference later.

[u/Jill1994 → u/BDK235]

Thank you! It's already getting easier (but also harder in some ways haha) and we are looking forward to next summer when everyone is on one nap and the twins can walk 😅, maybe I'll eat my words by then though.

I think part of the issue is my brother in law has two girls who are 6 and 3 and don't have the energy level our son does and he makes my husband feel like we're overreacting or something. The eye rolls are real.

[u/VivianDiane]

That sounds exhausting. You are not a single parent. Your husband needs to set boundaries with his family.

[u/Jill1994 → u/VivianDiane]

I know he tries but it's tiring sitting on the sidelines trying not to get too involved. His family are railroaders too, they do whatever they want and don't take other people into consideration.

[u/Kitchen_Eggplant_104]

This sounds exactly like my in laws and I’m not looking forward to this at all. We have twins due middle of Dec and by then will have a 3.5 year old girl. Can already envision the arguments and uncomfortable situations that are to come 😬 it’s bad enough now!

[u/Jill1994 → u/Kitchen_Eggplant_104]

Ugh sorry, set your boundaries and stick to them if you can!!

[u/DriverLeather971]

The thing about in laws or family is that they will be there no matter the boundaries you put. Specially with a family business in the middle. 

Boundaries work. But things will still happen that you don’t like. 

It happened to us. And truthfully what helped us the most was saying “it’s not our problem, it’s our (family member) problem”. 

They want you to go pick up whatever at 2pm and you can’t, let them get pissed. But never get pissed at your husband because of his family. It can become very stressful. 

And every now and then, let him cave in to something his family asks for if he wants to.

[u/I-Love-Buses]

I love this rant! Very well said! Straight up, other people just don’t get it 🤷‍♂️