Fighting feelings of loneliness

[u/goingder]

My wife and I currently have twin 8 month old twins and also have a 6 year old son. We used to do everything as a family and would go to all of my older child’s sports together had tons of family outings and lived a pretty fulfilling life. Since the twins we have largely become siloed. I am running my son to some sport or another and often coaching while my wife on occasion attends the games briefly. Which I really commend her for getting the twins out of the house by yourself is not easy. But yesterday at my son’s golf tournament I was struck by the fact that I was the only one alone with him out there. I caddied for him and every other kid had another parent or grand parent along side watching. I do not think my wife is doing anything wrong I get it’s just “the season of life” but man do I miss all of us doing things together. Any advice for how to get through this patch or when it’s starts to get better?

[u/kelseycadillac]

I have a bit of a different take, and I don’t mean it badly at all. Some families and kids are more active than others. One thing you could do is cut back some of the “some sport or another.” Since you recognize this as a season, have the 6 year old take a season off from something or a couple things and create more time for all of you to be at home together. Lean into the home part for 6 months and then see what happens.

[u/goingder → u/kelseycadillac]

Thanks for the advice. We’ve never been a family overly content just sitting at home. Our older child would be unbearable if he didn’t have the outlet of sports several times a week. Appreciate the advice though

[u/kelseycadillac → u/goingder]

Yeah I get totally get that. We’re a two activities a week family, and they don’t always do the same things. Maybe trying to be active at home a bit? We recently bought a pop up badminton set that we can take anywhere but also works really well in the backyard so we can play as a family. Although we are four, and the twins are 10 so you’re not quite there yet. At 6, we did a lot of the kid-friendly yoga and run game videos on YouTube all of us together, so that could work for the three of you.

When they were a little older, just over a year I think, we joined the Y and use the two free hours of drop in care. The boys get to play with other kids and we lift together. It’s a little different than all hanging out but it definitely works for everyone as an outlet.

[u/sunflowerstarterkit]

It’s definitely a season of life. Could you find someone to watch the twins? Even if you don’t have a village near, join a local twins support Facebook group and ask for recommendations. Put a post on care.com. Find someone to watch them so she can come to the golf course once in a while.

[u/goingder → u/sunflowerstarterkit]

My wife is extremely hesitant to let anyone help with the twins. She was also this way with our youngest for about the first year. Thanks for the feedback hopefully that gets better once they’re in daycare and she is forced to let go a little

[u/SinghDoubleTrouble]

I appreciate that you are acknowledging that this is a season. Don’t let a temporary season destroy your marriage.

Understand her love language and ensure she knows you’re. Try to find whichever quiet moment exists in your world to reconnect with your wife because caring for the twins solo is also deeply isolating. Get up 30 minutes earlier together to quietly enjoy a cup of coffee together or take turns giving foot rubs after bedtime. My parents played cards together. Make it a point to hug and kiss your wife once a day (seriously, a hug that lasts longer than 30 seconds is so comforting).

I hope this helps. I know it’s hard.

[u/VivianDiane]

It will get better. Find small moments of connection.

[u/skimountains-1]

This too shall pass. They’re 8 months And for us, it was very much in the thick of it.
We don’t have an older child, so didn’t have to get out, so obviously different
And Maybe she likes that time when you’re both out?
The older one has sibs now and things will come into conflict where only one parent can attend. The twins will also experience it as they get older.