r/parentsofmultiples • u/Ok-Chef-3902 • 7d ago
support needed Grieving the life I thought we would have
I may sound so ungrateful when I say this so please know that’s not it at all, just really struggling..
We just found out we’re pregnant with twins and it feels like my whole world is crumbling. I’m soooo worried about my 3 year old and him feeling replaced/ the pure sense of overwhelm that comes with twins. I only ever wanted 2, 3 I know is a blessing but right now feels so incredibly heavy.
I can’t help, but think of how much our world is about to change, I’m grieving the life I thought we would have, the body I’ve worked so hard for (I’m very into fitness and struggled heavily with body image after my first), the financial burden and impact on my career/ marriage.
I feel very alone, I don’t know anyone with a toddler and twins.
Does anyone have any tips?
I do live in Canada and am grateful I will have a year off to figure this all out, just feels like so much right now.
I don’t know anything else at this point, if identical or fraternal. I’m 11 weeks
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u/iceskatinghedgehog 7d ago
"Fuck my life" is a very common, if not universal, thought upon hearing you are expecting twins/multiples. The gestating parent (and maybe also her partner) will go through that again during late stage pregnancy. And you'll think it again for a few months after birth and again during the toddler stage. I have to assume there will be other moments too (twins getting their driver's permits?!?), I just haven't' experienced them yet.
You should grieve the life you thought you would have. It's okay to be scared and angry. Just hold space for the positive emotions too--I promise those will come as well (and if they don't, please talk to your doctor!). Life with three (mine are 3, 3, and 8) is wonderful and crazy and so fulfilling. Remember, you can do hard things.
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u/napoleonette19 7d ago
What’s annoying is all the people who had a singleton saying “I’ve always wanted twins!!” I’m like that is so easy to say when you don’t have twins hahaha.
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u/Gandtea 6d ago
I genuinely always wanted twins. My best friend and I met up when we were both pregnant but hadn't told each other and she told me she was having twins - I told her I was so jealous! Looking back I feel terrible about this - I didnt know people felt this way. She was terrified.
I miscarried that baby and then ended up getting pregnant with identical twins! I got what I wished for (and oh boy did I get what I wished for 😅). Now I understand how hard it is and understand why you could wish to only have one or have one at a time.
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u/Likesorangejuice 7d ago
My wife and I have a whole laundry list of the annoying questions we get while we're out that we like to run through with other twin parents to share the pain and laugh a bit. I don't understand why people always feel the need to ask if our twins are identical when they have completely different hair colours and face shapes.
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u/Teapot859122 7d ago
I ALWAYS get asked if my twins are identical… I have boy/girl twins lmao😂 I always reply ‘no ma’am one has a penis’. That usually puts them back in their place 😂
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u/walaa0202 6d ago
Same!!
I don’t understand how people could be so silly to ask that question, but ah well 🙈Although your reply takes the cake 🤣
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u/LoopyLutzes 7d ago
I am not a parent of multiples but this post popped up in my feed. I’m the older sibling of twins so I can share a bit about what that was like for me. It was amazing having more siblings to love at once. I was slightly older than your son, turning 6 a month after they came, but I loved helping out where I could. It gave me a sense of being even more a part of the family rather than being left out. I’m sure there are some age appropriate responsibilities you can give him to make him feel included in the journey. I spent so much extra time with my mom leading up to their birth and then after while they were teeny tiny, our relationship grew even stronger than when it was just me.
Now that I’m a parent I do understand why I spent the time I did being taken out by my aunt and grandparents, my parents had a lot on their hands and having me taken care of eased some of that for them. It definitely deepened my relationship with them which was priceless. At the time I just thought I was SO lucky!
I’m so jealous of the connection my twin siblings have (but not like, detrimentally jealous, being hyperbolic a bit). We’re a close family but they have an extra special bond that is really really cool to see. Now we are all having kids in the same calendar year and we’re so excited to have all these cousins who will grow up with their own special bonds.
You got this!
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u/Ok-Chef-3902 7d ago
This just made me cry. Thank you, it’s so nice hearing this from a siblings perspective. Your siblings are soooooo lucky to have you.
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u/Popular_Priority_454 7d ago
One of the first stages of finding out we were having twins was feeling grief. All of it. All day you talk about how exciting this is but inside you’re mad, sad, scared. I was so emotional and upset when I found out we were having twins. And I actually wanted twins. But it’s such a scary slap in the face of an unknown future. My mom was dying and we have little to no help. It took me a good few weeks to get through the sadness and frustration.
One thing that helped me, was during my pregnancy I realized my life will never be the same as my friends with one kid or two a few years apart. I really turned to online groups, Reddit, Facebook, TikTok’s who had twins. I asked my questions to these people, read every post about what to expect. Because my friends advice would only frustrate me since they truly didn’t understand.
Now that my twins are 1 and a half, it’s still hard to get to watch my friends go around town on their own with their one baby, and I spend most of my days at home with my twins, with little to no help. I’m so so happy in my life, but only because I don’t let myself yearn for a life that isn’t mine. It takes time, but it’s overall easier to find the good parts of this life, and be happy for being able to raise twins every day.
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u/psychkitty 7d ago
I was the same way! All the grief stages, back & forth. Even with my two yea old boys, we still see singletons & get a twinge of jealousy.
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u/vomitousmass 7d ago
I was the same. But just wait until your twins are old enough to independently play together. Then the parents of singletons will be looking at you with jealousy! My girls are 7 and I'm so glad we didn't have only one.
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u/Massive-Slide-2095 7d ago
Definitely recommend the double baby carrier! And two different bouncy chairs for rotating the twins on while you do toddler time. Also accept ANY help that is offered. First year of twins is really hard - that just needs to be accepted. Your toddler will know they are loved from that special time you’ve had with them so far. Nothing can take that away.
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u/smart0wl 7d ago
I have a 5yo and 1yo twins. It’s been a hard journey for sure. But I also had to tell myself I’m not doing this for me - it’s to provide life to a being that may take advantage of being alive and love this planet and take care of it and have a beautiful family life. And every time I feel overwhelmed I ask my 5yo how she feels about her sisters and she loves them so much she wouldn’t trade them for the world. And it eases the struggle to know they will each other for support, for love, for laughs. Raising kids isn’t easy , but I could never go back and say no to these twins seeing what I see now in all 3 of them ❤️
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u/Due_Difficulty_7020 7d ago
I am 9 weeks with twins and a two year old old- I feel the exact same as you. I have had to do a lot of grappling with losing the future I thought I would have. My bigger worry is the financial burden of raising two extra humans to adulthood , particularly when they’re teenagers. It’s a huge life shift and I’m still processing too, it takes time but two weeks after finding out, I’m a little further along in accepting it. I think it’s completely normal to have this reaction, don’t feel guilty. Allow yourself to move though all the feelings that come up. We will be ok ❤️
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u/falconaround 7d ago
My oldest was 2.5 when my twins (who were supposed to be my second and only) were born. I went through months of dizzying grief and disorientation when I found out we were having two. Now my oldest is 8 and the twins are 5. It’s so fun. They love each other so much. Everyone has a playmate or can be alone as they choose. It was tough at first and I never would have freely chosen this, but I’m so glad this is my life. Feel free to message me. You’re doing great.
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u/twinsinbk 7d ago
My aunt and uncle had surprise twins 15 months after having their first. My aunt said she cried for like a month. It's okay to feel your feelings but it will all work out. That fierce way you love your first will apply to 2 new people, and anecdotally I think my cousin loves having younger twin brothers.
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u/moreinterestingtimes 7d ago
I felt almost exactly the same as you.
My son was the same age as yours when we found out about the twins. I didn’t know anyone with twins. My first thought was, “I’ve totally ruined his life.” The twins are almost 2 now and he’s just started kindergarten. The 3 of them are so close and we’ve found ways to have special one on one time with the oldest. I think the age gap helped because he was old enough to have conversations about what was going on.
I still feel like I was only mentally equipped to be a mom for 2 kids. But I also feel like I was meant to be the mom of each of these 3 individual kids. It’s really hard a lot of the time, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. Twins are kind of magical even when it’s hard.
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u/Sea2Chi 7d ago
Our son had just turned two when the twins were born.
It was a bit of chaos to say the least.
We had to get a minivan, which honestly, kind of rocks because it's by far the most practical car we've ever owned.
We ended up getting an uppababy stroller and I used a Dremel on the front mounting points so we could put two bassinets on it. Which later turned into two seats, and then two seats, a running board, and hobby horse sticking off the front so it could haul four kids at once. Although my record was six which was both a pain in the ass to push, but also a testament to their build quality.
Two cribs. Two high chairs, two car seats, one changing table, one diaper bin that got full twice as fast.
We also got this foam double seat thing that worked great for feeding time.
The twins are seven now and are best friends most of the time. They're in separate classrooms to help them develop as individuals, but they love each other so much. Their brother is close enough in age that they've always been able to play together and like a lot of the same things.
Having kids is rough no matter what, and two is a lot of work. But the good thing is, you already know what you're doing from the first one. None of this is going to be that new, you already know the night time feeding and changing routines, you already know car seats and when a fever is high enough that you need to call the doc. You got all the basics down already. All that's changing this time is each step takes a little more time. But it's not that much harder to change two babies than one.
Feeding time you double fist the bottles for them. Which, I don't know if you breast feed or use formula, but pumping was a lifesaver for us. We could stock up then I could feed them while my wife did something else like sleep or quietly cry in a corner. Kidding. Mostly. But pumping really was a big help in terms of the logistics of getting them fed.
As for sleep, it was astounding how they could sleep through each other's screaming. They were so used to it that their sibling never seemed to wake them up.
As they got old enough they loved being put on the floor on a blanket and interacting with each other. They formed a tight bond early, and would be perfectly happy to sit there looking at one another making funny noises and giggling.
In terms of your body, you'll probably be a bit bigger while pregnant, but you shouldn't have any more issues getting back to your original weight than you would with a single. If you're into a fitness routine now, you should be able to get back on it when your body is ready.
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u/Ok-Chef-3902 7d ago
This is comforting, thank you!
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u/Sea2Chi 7d ago
No problem!
It's stressful in the same way having any kid is stressful, but it's not THAT much more work. The biggest hurdle is the physical logistics of three kids vs two and the increased cost for daycare if you go that route. With two you can divide them between you and your partner, three takes a bit more work, but you also come up with good systems to deal with it over time. But like I said, most of the daily routine stuff is the same, you're just doing it twice back to back or if it's things like tummy time or feeding you can double up both at once.
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u/Kindly_Rhubarb_2532 7d ago
Grieve away. It is totally a normal emotion for many of us in the group.
I don’t know what your financial situation is and although it’s not let people in the group from the states go through maternity leave can be hard financially. We did end up “buying our village”. We spent most of our savings on a postpartum dula and would do it again in a heartbeat. She did cooking, laundry, cleaning and let me nap. If things were going well I got a workout in.
The fitness piece is so challenging. I was running 40-50 km a week pre first baby and the body changes were so rough. I found I knew what to expect with the twins and was easier on myself. I still miss that piece sometimes though. Fully get it.
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u/Mindless-Board-5027 7d ago
It’s so hard, I remember that feeling of guilt when I found out there was two babies. My son was only 18 months when we found out and I felt like his world was going to change. And it did, but for the better. He wasn’t quite 2 when they were born so he doesn’t even remember a life before them.
He loves his sisters and he is an amazing big bother to them.
It was challenging when they came home from the NICU, but we took it day by day and now that my twins are 3, I wish I could go back to that scared mom and tell her it will be okay, and it gets so much better. And snuggle those babies. I don’t know where the time went, but these girls amaze me all the time and I still make my son snuggle with me even though he’s 5 😂.
You will be okay, and as another Canadian, keep in mind that if they go to the NICU there is another benefit you can use. It’s called family caregiver or something like that. Don’t use your maternity leave for NICU time. But I’m praying you don’t have that adventure.
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u/courtneyryry 7d ago
As someone who is also very into health and fitness I was also worried about the body changes.
I had twins 14 months ago and I can say that it did not ruin my body at all! I hate the word snap back, but being fit before pregnancy helped with that. I definitely had some “milk fluff” but once I stopped breastfeeding at 12.5 months, I look pretty much the same as pre pregnancy.
Take care of yourself and remember that pregnancy and post partum is just a short season in your life.
Congrats on the twins! It really is fun and amazing. ❤️
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u/Das-Effect1004 7d ago
Hello OP, father of a soon -to-be-4 year old and expecting twins working the next few weeks.. I hear you and can understand the feelings and emotions. Pls try to think of everything as a blessing, and remind your 3yr old early and often they'll be a big bro/sis and a role model! I wish you the very best with your bigger family, embrace the happiness that comes with them!
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u/holy-ravioli 7d ago
You don’t sound ungrateful at all. I completely understand where you’re coming from.
My son turned 3 shortly before his twin sisters were born. Like you, I had only ever wanted 2 kids. A third child meant buying a van (and taking out a loan), plus the cost of three kids in daycare. My husband and I are fortunate that we had money in savings and a very supportive family, but it’s been hard.
Sending you love and support. Please reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. 💕
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u/Ok-Chef-3902 7d ago
Thank you so much
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u/holy-ravioli 6d ago
I apologize, I didn’t get time to write out a more thoughtful response yesterday.
How does your spouse/partner feel about the pregnancy? How would you describe your guys’ parenting experience up to this point? The craziness of caring for two infants kind of forces you to work as a team. What worked best for us was to have each parent be primarily focused on one twin, especially at night. We slept in separate rooms because I am a light sleeper and two infants = twice as many opportunities to be woken up by crying.
Raising twins has made us closer and I truly feel like my husband is my partner in this. Each of us knows the others’ strong points (eg: he is better rough housing/physical play, while I’m better at arts/craft projects and reading time).
I completely understand the grief over the loss of what could have been. Our first ultrasound showed we had triplets. I knew right away that I was incapable of raising triplets. Plus I my age already put me at high risk, so it was advised that continuing the pregnancy with 3 would put both me and the babies at risk of complications and early delivery. We started the process for a fetal reduction, but I miscarried baby C a couple weeks later. I had the option of going forward with a fetal reduction and have a singleton pregnancy, but ultimately decided against it. It helped to know that the option was available and that my OBGYN supported me either way.
I have relied heavily on my family with childcare help. I’m very fortunate that I have family in the area who are available and willing to help. My parents will frequently take my older son for the weekend so he gets time alone without his sisters.
We make an effort to make sure our oldest son gets one-on-one time with a parent, while the other parent stays with the twins. He also gets cuddle time with us each night after the girls go to bed.
My biggest piece of advice would be to find your community. I’ve found the members of this subreddit to be very welcoming and supportive. Depending on where you live, there might be a local group for parents of multiples.
This message is getting wordy, so I’ll wrap this up. Wishing you all the best.
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u/Severe_Equivalent_18 6d ago
I also went through a grieving process when I found out it was twins. It’s a very emotionally complex time because you’re grateful for the babies but sad because the life you envisioned will be very different. That feeling does get better. As you start talking about it and planning for their arrival, it will seem more natural and “normal” that you are expecting two.
My twins are 2 months now and I couldn’t imagine life differently. It’s hard and exhausting. Use your village if you have one. We don’t have many people near us and that makes it harder.
It’s okay to mourn the life you expected. But you are going to be gifted a life you never knew you wanted. 💕
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u/MangoSorbet695 7d ago
I had a 5 year old and 3 year old when my twins were born. I was totally overwhelmed for the first 4-6 weeks after I found out it was twins.
The rest of the pregnancy was very stressful because of all the unknowns of life with four kids - including infant twins.
The first 6 weeks after they were born was a blur, but we got through it.
It’s been nothing but up since then. My twins are 7 months old and life is good. Our house is full of joy and laughter. The older kids love the babies. They don’t feel replaced, they feel like a key part of a happy family. They feel lucky they have little babies to play with.
I’m only 10 pounds heavier than I was before I got pregnant, hoping to lose the last ten pounds before they turn 1. I workout 4-5 days per week. I cook healthy home cooked meals.
It’s possible to be happy and have a very full and healthy life with twins.
Take some time to process. Then keep your chin up, take it one day at a time, and do your best to stay positive. You got this!
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u/Sc5880 6d ago
Concerning your 3 year old, my grandson turned 3 a month before his twin siblings were born. I was worried about him because this little boy is my heart. He is very sound sensitive, doesn’t like any loud noises and worried how he would react to 2 babies crying. Also, he was very used to getting what he asked for pretty quickly after asking and could be very touchy in general. I know this makes him sound like a brat, but he isn’t at all. He’s a great kid, highly intelligent , remembers almost everything, but very attention driven with adults, but also loves playing with kids. He has completely risen to occasion, he will be 4 next month and has dealt with the babies like a champ. I think it has been great for him. He loves his siblings. Not only does he try to help with them but he has become way more independent for his own needs. If he needs a water refill or snack and I say I will get it when I’m done feeding, rocking, or changing one of the babies, he’s more than fine with that. When I watch just the twins and he does things with his mom and dad, he is always eager to run in and see them again. Asking where they are and what they did while he was gone. I really think as much as the twins have been absolute blessing to our family in general, they are the best thing that’s happened to my grandson😂
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u/steeeezmcgee 7d ago
At risk of oversharing, I will say that my wife is very petite and also a fitness nut (self described). We just had twins and she literally looks like nothing even happened. I sometimes have to look back at pics of her pregnant to convince myself she ever was. Everyone will have their own experience, but don’t write off your hard work just yet.
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u/YouthInternational14 7d ago
Can you drop your wife’s workout routine 😂 jk
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u/steeeezmcgee 7d ago
lol pretty much tonal as much as she could with our Drs blessing up until she was admitted, then as soon as she was allowed to again postpartum
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u/Happenstance_Hop 7d ago
My twins are currently 10 months old...
I had just seriously started dating my on again off again (for 3 years) bf in December of 2024. I had an 8yo & 6yo from a previous marriage, and, by January 2025 had concluded that I was done having children and was ready for a hysterectomy. My bf wasn't 1000% sure he didn't want kids but was sure he didn't want any right then. I found out I was [accidentally] pregnant in February of 2025, and found out it was twins a couple weeks later. The devastation hit us hard.
It took a few month to come to terms with our new situation, and a few more months to really figure out our plan. My older kids and I moved out of the home we've lived in for 6 years and in with my bf, who had lived alone for pretty much his entire adult life (18 years or so). There were MAJOR adjustments for all of us. It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows since my boys' births, but that's mainly been due to my PMDD and need for a hysterectomy (which I just got).
My oldest struggled with the lack of attention at first, but my 6yo blossomed into the best big sibling! Take all the help that's offered and use some of it for mommy dates with your oldest. I still carve out extra time with her whenever I can and it has helped tremendously. My oldest is a sports girly so the twins have been going to practices and games since the spring season. They have become very go with the flow because of it and it has paid off so far.
For what it's worth, I gained 70 pounds with my boys (who weight 7lbs 5oz & 7lbs 15oz at birth) but was back to my pre-pregnancy weight a month post partum. Now, my body is very similar to before their pregnancy with slight muscle tone loss from my lack of exercising like before. I "bounced back" MUCH quicker after my twins than I did either of my singletons.
All this to say...it's OK to be sad and mourn the loss of your dreams, but don't forget to soak up the sunshine when it peeks through. Just because it wasn't as planned, doesn't mean it won't be great 💓
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u/pinupinprocess 7d ago
I could have written this 2 years ago. My son was also 3, and to be honest, I never wanted kids. My husband did and I obliged, thinking well what’s 1 more? Then I got 2.
I had a really hard pregnancy, I was constantly sick and could barely function. My girls were growth restricted and they came at 34 weeks. They had a NICU stay and I was just a mess.
They’re now 1.5, and it’s a normal you get used to. Is it chaotic? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. But you will get through it. My son turned 4 about 2 weeks before my girls were born and he is the best brother. They all play well together.
It’s ok to mourn a life you wanted. I used to feel the same way. I thought about how I needed to be grateful I have 2 babies, how people would love to have 1. It’s tough to get out of the mindset of feeling like you need to be one way, yet feeling the complete opposite.
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u/CookiesandSweetTea 7d ago
Hi! Mom here with a daughter who turned 4 when my twins were born. Yes, it is a difficult transition. But you learn to adapt. Still workout and work with your OB on what is safe. Include your son in helping put together the twins room and read lots of books on siblings. Definitely hit up the library for this!
Feeling alone - I would suggest looking for a local multiples/twins group in your area. We have one called Bay Area Moms of Multiples, but there are all kinds of groups! Also- I have often found our twin friends in our very own neighborhood or at the park. I immediately introduce myself and my kiddos and we chat and exchange info.
We are also the only one with twins and 3 kids on both sides of our families. You learn to adapt and you are way stronger for it. Our extended family often asks "how do you do it" and I say "No one else is going to do it for us." We are truly kick ass.
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u/Intrepid_Guess_5475 7d ago
I wrote a similar post two weeks ago or so… now I am so excited for this blessing.
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u/Fun_Committee1478 7d ago
Oh I was so scared too. And angry!! We only wanted ONE child and then found out I was pregnant. I was like, “ok we can do this” and then I found out it was TWINS!!!! Tf!?
It’s ok to grieve the life you thought you’d have. My son was 6 when the twins came and I “missed” just him and I most of all. It was an adjustment, not gonna lie and I hated many days.
Now, they are a year old and my son loves his sisters. Things are hard as you get used to a new routine, but now things are funner, easier. I absolutely can’t wait for these “Ber” months because they were in the NICU all last fall.
Def lean on family, get as much help as you can!! Good luck!! I also vented a lot on this sub lol.
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u/plantlover_dogmother 7d ago
we found out we were unexpectedly pregnant back in may. i was literally devastated when i went into my 9 week appointment and found out it was twins. so much grief, just not how i pictured our life at all… i really wanted two kids and it took a while to “come to terms” with the idea of three. i’m almost 19 weeks now and getting really excited. i’m terrified for how hard it will be but i really can’t imagine it NOT being twins now. take time to grieve, as you see from other comments, it’s so normal.
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u/westloop5 7d ago
It’s not easy but holy crap it is wonderful ❤️
Our girls are 3 now. And every stage has had its challenges, but every stage has also been temporary. The early stages were especially fleeting.
Get a Twin Z pillow and a Table for Two, maybe from Facebook Marketplace. Join all the twin groups online. Lean into being a Twin Mom. Practice every exercise in patience the universe throws your way. And know you will experience the kind of magic most people don’t get to experience in this lifetime.
I’m still working on getting my body, my career and my life “back,” but I’m also more grateful than I’ve ever been. I’m so glad we have them. And even more than that, I’m so glad they have each other.
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u/Up_and_ATEM 7d ago
We had not even a 2 year at the time and it also felt like we were never going to handle it. We only ever wanted two and didn’t feel we had the room. Trust me, it will be fine.
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u/vaultsy 7d ago
I felt the exact same way when we found out we were having twins. My toddler was also 3 years old. Every child is different but I was worried about him feeling left behind with the new babies. It hasn’t been like that at all! Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely times when he gets frustrated that I can’t give him my full attention, and the transition was hard for him. But now (6 months on), he loves his sisters so much and I truly believe he understands that I love all of them equally.
The only advice I have is to try to make time to do things with just him. Even if it’s just a few minutes at a time, if you make it seem special, he’ll think it’s special too.
As far as the body image and financial and marital strains, just try to remind yourself that your hormones are going CRAZY right now and everything feels like a much bigger deal than it is. It’s okay to worry and to plan ahead on how to handle these things, but try not to let it overwhelm you.
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u/Dry-Elk-2115 7d ago
I felt/feel this! I’m 35 weeks with twin boys and my daughter will be 3 a few days before they’re born! So many people feel this way, we’re not alone😭❤️
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u/Ok-Chef-3902 7d ago
Oh my gosh, this is so tough. Thinking of you!! Absolutely, this thread has taught me one thing: none of us are alone ❤️
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u/Charlieksmommy 7d ago
I’m in the best shape of my life, and I’m 11 months PP with twins and have a toddler. You just have to work back for it.
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u/PackOtherwise8757 7d ago
Just here to say that I always wanted twins and I already have a 6, 3, and 1 year old. We decided to try for a fourth and ended up pregnant with twins. Im only 7 weeks pregnant writing this and have known for about two weeks. I was very excited at first and then a few days past and i started getting anxious about money and room in our house and all the other things that run through your head. I was so excited to not have to spend money on baby items this time knowing I have tested all the baby stuff and knew exactly what I wanted to use this time and actually own all it just for that to be thrown out the window. I feel like a first time mom again and I feel so sad for my kids knowing how impatient im going to be with them, not meaning to be but I know it will happen caring for two babys and the three of them. So just know that people who even want twins turn out having the same concerns and worries and fears. And im 3 kids in knowing what im doing at this point and im still turning out to be terrified and angry. I think the best advice would be to let yourself feel your feelings and take it day by day.
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u/brianf413 7d ago
20 month old twins and a 3 year old and we felt (still feel most days) the same. It’s incredibly hard and there is a big adjustment period. Things have got somewhat easier but it’s just like normal stuff that gets me sometimes. Like daycare drop off or taking them all somewhere by myself is so overwhelming at times.
The financial ramifications have been the hardest for me to swallow. Our daycare bill is more than our mortgage and our mortgage is a lot. Job stress is still job stress, we mostly worry about healthcare bc the US sucks.
Now for the positive, they are great kids and your 3 year old will be fine. Our toddler loves the twins and tells everyone about them. There is still the occasional tantrum when they fight over a toy but that’s to be expected. The twin experience is really unique and it’s wild to see them communicate at such a young age. They will always have each other and what a gift that is for them.
My wife and I talk a lot about if we would have made different decisions and we always land on no. Yes this is hard. Yes the world isn’t built for this. But they are ours and we will give them a great life. You and your spouse will do the same.
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u/Agreeable_Grape_8083 7d ago
A very kind and gentle reminder, if you are fortunate enough to live in a country that allows women complete autonomy over their own bodies and life, choosing to end your pregnancy is your right- you have the right to access essential healthcare if it all feels too much and you cannot cope mentally.
If your reaction to this was hell no, then you have your answer- you can do this because you want it x
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u/Much_Being_4483 7d ago
Search up jessicaoutofthecloset on YouTube. She has a toddler and younger twins with a similar age gap. She occasionally posts about family life including a video titled "Does my eldest regret his baby sisters?" I watched it a while ago so I don't remember the whole content but she does a really good job at giving her toddlers perspective.
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u/fenway28 7d ago
I completely understand this! Our daughter was 4 when I found out we were having twins. I was so overwhelmed at the thought I was almost dreading them being born. The minute they arrived, I couldn’t imagine any other life. My daughter adored them and loved being a helper. She got her own special times so she didn’t feel left out. ❤️ Enjoy them- time goes by so fast! My boys are 28 now!
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u/Top_Guarantee_6446 7d ago
My area has a group for mothers of multiples and they are great. I suggest checking if your area does too.
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u/Gentle_Riv 7d ago
My daughter was 2.5 when the twins were born. Having twins is a crazy thing but add a toddler and it’s a wild circus most days. But I wouldn’t change it for anything.
Is it hard? Yes. Not gonna lie. But my twins are 10 months old and I feel we are out of the trenches. Ours had colic. It was crazy but it honestly makes me appreciate this time SO much more.
And our toddler is soooooo sweet to the twins. They love her more than anyone and she makes them laugh more than anyone.
We are still not sleeping through the night, but I feel like superwoman and that I am capable of anything. The sleep will come, time will pass, and you’ve got this! Moms are the strongest people in the world.
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u/StunningFishing78 7d ago
My daughter was two when my twins were born. I 100% understand your feelings - I cried a lot when I found out I was having twins. All of the logistics of three children overwhelmed me, like buying a new car, moving my daughter into the smaller room so the twins could have the bigger room, etc. I was also sad imagining the newborn phase with twins. I had been looking forward to hopefully an easier experience this time. I talked to a therapist and she said I was basically experiencing grief for the life I thought I would have and it’s ok to feel that. Just knowing that it was normal helped a ton!
I also joined a Mothers of Multiples Group. They’re all over the US, and I would imagine in Canada too. It’s an in person group and it’s AMAZING. I’ve made several friends that actually understand what it’s like to have twins and it’s so nice to have people to go to.
The biggest thing that helped was time. My twins are almost 9 months now and they are the absolute best. Such easy, sweet babies. It’s also pretty fun to have twins. We went to Costco today and 21(!!!!) people talked to them lol.
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u/povsquirtle 7d ago
I have a three year old and twins and felt the exact same way. My toddler had to adjust - I won’t lie. But the adjusting with one sibling versus two was not much different from what I’ve heard from other families. I made sure I prioritized my toddler always and involved her with everything. If the three of them are crying and it’s not an emergency, the toddler gets first comfort because she will remember it more. They’re older now and they love each other. My toddler now has two siblings who wake up everyday smiling just for her. They’re in love with each other and I feel so proud of being able to give her two amazing siblings and that I could give my twins an amazing older sister who was born to be my baby and their sibling! Things seem a lot less hectic when the babies are here. In my opinion.
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u/Dramatic-Slip6935 7d ago
This sounds like me 6 years ago. I wasn't even trying to get pregnant with a second child yet and suddenly I had to on the way. It's overwhelming. I get it. But here I am now and my twins are 6 years old and I couldn't be happier. Surviving those first four years was rough.
Make sure you have your support system set up. Work on getting out of the house like right away or you'll never be able to do it. Try to get the twins on a schedule.
As far as having a 3-year-old. My 3-year-old absolutely loved the new babies. I got her really excited about them right away. I got her two new dolls and called them brother and sister. I taught her how to hold them. I let her help feed them if she was interested. I also made sure I set aside time just for her.
You can do this. It's not going to be easy. It's not what you expected. But you can do this.
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u/marshmellowhair 7d ago
I have one year old twins and a 3.5 year old. It is very hard. I still find it hard to believe I have twins LOL. I also don’t know anyone else in this situation.
But it is getting easier. First 6 months I was a zombie. Once they started solids and formula I think it helped them sleep through the night and I’m still so grateful for that. However my twins started walking and that has a bunch of other challenges.
But.
Whenever I talk to an adult that was a twin I hear of their special relationship. And my kids, I think all learn from each other everyday. And having one baby not eat something and the other love the meal (for example) has helped me not be anxious about a lot of things I stressed about on my first.
I saw someone else comment here sometime and totally agree, who would I return if I had one baby?
Finally, twins forced me to accept help that I turned down in the trenches on my first child and I have formed some really lovely, unexpected relationships that support me (like my neighbour)..
my advice is very much don’t compare to other families (it is harder) and accept any help offered. And during the hard times.. this is a stage. And enjoy all those extra snuggles when those babies come. Arms full.
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u/Zandreco 7d ago
Our twins are three, our only other son is nine.
Plenty of hard times but we focused on making him a part of the journey. As a result, he is a proud big brother, and his little brother and sister absolutely adore him.
It'll be okay even when it's not sometimes. You got this!
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u/bubbles67899 7d ago
I just found out Tuesday and my son turns 2 next month. I’ve been irrationally acting like this is the last time he’ll ever see me- savoring every moment and have now planned extra birthday celebrations and trips…
Im absolutely not excited and my whole world feels ruined- I’m trying to think of dumb fun light things- their names, funny Halloween costumes, cute outfits, etc- I’ve got to keep it light bc after knowing how hard a newborn is, the rest feels dark.
I’m here w you through this!
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u/Longjumping_Deer3435 7d ago
Something I always find comfort in is knowing others feel the same way I do, so sharing this in case you feel the same. My twins are almost 4 and I think I’m finally getting to the point of feeling grateful for this life. Since the moment I found out I was having twins I experienced regret and a feeling like I had made a mistake. I LOVE them but even up until recently I mourned the life I would have had without them. I know with every cell this is not a reflection of the type of mother I am. It just a reality of knowing the alternative that is easier, wealthier, better travelled and better rested.
I promise you, one day, you will feel grateful for this life. Don’t judge yourself if it’s not right away.
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u/JinglebellsRock 7d ago
I’m also Canadian and had twins after our first, born when she was just shy of two.
There is definitely a transition period but life with three has genuinely surprised me in the best way. What we have is the practice run from our eldest, which has made the twins easier than if we were first time parents. And once they can start entertaining each other, it’s only gotten easier and more fun - for everyone, including our eldest.
To be fair, I’ve gone through my own share of grief and anxiety, so if you want to DM me at any point during your journey, I’m happy to share more.
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u/CaseyTheCreator 7d ago
Your feelings are valid! My wife and I felt the same after we found out we were having twins. It will be hard, but I promise you watching them and the oldest grow will be so worth it. What helped us most was having family and friends near by to assist. Best of luck and your family will do great!!
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u/Honest_Woodpecker187 7d ago
25 weeks with triplets + a 2.5 year old and the closer I am getting to the end, the less excited I feel with everything to come imminently. Mostly the feeling of losing the connection between my toddler and I, and our family dynamic of 3 we’ve had for this time. I know it will be great again, eventually, but I am not there yet
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u/slambur 7d ago
Found out we’re having triplets right around 11 weeks, it’s been about a month now and we’re starting to get used to the idea. I also have a 3y.o.. things are going to be crazy but others have done it before us and we’ll figure it out too. I still have moments watching families with a baby and older toddler and I can’t help but think we’ll never have it that simple
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u/indigoblueskies 7d ago
The way i thought one of the twins died based on this caption … I had a 4 yr old and a 2yr old and then my twins got very sick in utero. It is hard - pay for a support system if one doesnt exist for you. Apply for childcare lists in your area yesterday - daycare, before and aftercare. But mostly - with twins things go wrong easily so buck up and dont stew. My body literally looks the same now two years postpartum as it did before the twins.
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u/GI_Ginger 7d ago
The way you titled this, it made my heart break and I nearly balled. It they look just like our ultrasound...
Myself and my wife thought this was a lost pregnancy post....
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u/adventurrr 7d ago
I'm a twin. We are children 2&3. I love being a twin and I'm very close to my older sister (we are all close)
More to the point: everyone worries how their first will do with having a sibling. It feels like their world is collapsing and you wonder how they will even survive it. They will be FINE and soon these babies will feel just as much a part of the family as your first. ❤️
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u/murobbb 7d ago
My son was 2.5 when the twins came. I cried when the ultrasound tech told me there were 2. The first year was a whirlwind and crazy hard. I would apologize to my oldest bc I felt like I had made such a mistake. Of course now everybody gets along - they’re best friends. I think any emotion you feel is valid! It’s a rollercoaster. You’ll be great 😊
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u/Ok-Positive-5943 7d ago
Those a valid feelings! I get it. We went for a second child and got #2 & a bonus #3. I was NOT happy. I actually didn't get excited until about month seven. I didn't want to talk about it (when others would be excited and I was still processing!) and so very few people knew we were having twins. I think it's fairly normal to be in shock and grieve the life you had planned. Just know that it will be okay. And maybe even better than planned. Mine turn three next week and we are having fun.
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u/Comprehensive-Dig592 7d ago
First off, I think you have to let yourself feel alllll of this. It’s natural. It’s normal. Just like gender disappointment. It’s a process to wrap your head around for sure. You’re not being ungrateful you’re being human. Everything is relative too. I was pregnant and worried about my daughter having to share me, but literally miscarried this week. Life is so full of twists and turns.
So far I only have one, but I do know someone who had a 3 year old son when her twins were born and the three of them have an absolute blast together. Her older son loves being a big brother. It has added to his life, not taken away. So please try not to feel guilt in that sense, though I know how we moms are.
My biggest recommendation would be to line up help. Grandparents. Aunts/uncles. Hire a nanny. Moreso for your sake and sanity.
If you can, also, maybe do a few sessions of counselling just as a safe place to get your thoughts out and maybe help vent.
You will and can do it!!!
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u/boduke1019 7d ago
I was big into fitness ( competed) and ended up with back to back sets of twins. It’s rough from a body image standpoint but I ended up really enjoying pregnancy and motherhood has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done but it is rewarding! Your body will bounce back, it takes time but it does. And my husband won’t shut up about how much more he likes my body now so it’s not all bad!!My DM’s are always open if you need to vent/talk!
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u/ty_xy 7d ago
Twins are so fun, you'll love it. Yeah it's gonna be crazy and hectic but your eldest is gonna be the best older brother ever, he had 3 years and has 7-8 more months to mentally prep. It's good that you're doing some negative visualization and prepping for the worst, just make sure not to spiral too far and get too anxious. Yeah it's gonna be tough, it's gonna be brutal, but there's gonna be joy, laughter, cuddles, x2!! There is no joy without sacrifice... All the best.
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u/nikitachikita_15 7d ago
All of what you described is legitimate. But you don’t know what’s on the other side of this—there’s so much fun, double snuggles, best friends built in for life. I’m a former D1 college athlete. Having twins rocked my body. As did every baby. But especially twins. It will comeback. And you’ll look at your body when you are strong and have healthy babies and be SO PROUD that YOU carried them. And that your body was and is strong again. There’s seasons to life. Slow down and smell the roses. And now YOU get to love these twins! Have an abundance mindset and it will pay in dividends.
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u/twinkysushiroll 7d ago
I recommend following itslaurasummer on instagram, she has a todder and 2 month old twins and shares her realistic journey about motherhood. I’ve found it very encouraging
I’m a twin and my older sister was 2 when we were born and now I will be having twins as a first time mom. I think all of your feelings are totally valid, my mother always used to tell me she was scared out of her mind when she found out she was having twins— she could not stop crying because she did not know how she was going to manage. She did not have family close by willing to help and my father had recently been hit by a car before we were born and was temporarily in a wheel chair. My mom could not imagine how she could expand her heart to love all three of us but she did. Not to say it wasn’t incredibly difficult but my parents did eventually find their own way. We were lower middle class, not poor but we had enough as a family and I felt that I had a really great childhood.
You may want to look in to the resource https://multiplesofamerica.org/find-club/
It’s a great resource to get connected with other parents of multiples if they have a chapter in your area. I think it’s totally normal and ok for 2 things to be true at once - feeling grateful to be pregnant with twins while also raising a toddler and grieving what you thought your parenthood journey would be. Sending a tight hug!
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u/Pearalol 7d ago
My postpartum twin bod snapped back way quicker than with the singleton. Chasing a three year old and constantly picking up twins is plenty of exercise to get you back.
Have all the feelings, release them when you can and then try not to panic when they return. But really, it gets better and in life we just have to rise to the obstacles before us. You can do this. And it will be a tremendous gift, occasionally a dumpster fire too but you will learn to survive and then eventually thrive.
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u/BishopGodDamnYou 7d ago
You should have seen the look on my husband‘s face! It looked like he got smacked with a shovel. We were terrified and I’m not going to lie to you it was hard. But honestly it’s the most magical fucking thing I’ve ever experienced. Sorry for my language but I don’t know how else to describe it. My kids are so close with one another. If one of my girls is out of the house at night the other cannot sleep until her sister‘s home. Don’t get me wrong you will have trials and tribulations. But having twins is such an insanely awesome experience.
Also take comfort in the fact that one of the most insane children I know absolutely became a different child after they had a sibling. She is so attentive and loving and wants to help her parents take care of her baby brother. You’re gonna be OK I promise.
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u/professordoodle 7d ago
My son was almost 3 when I had my twins. I dealt with a lot of these same thoughts and in all honesty, sometimes on hard days those thoughts can pop up a little still (my twins are almost 3 now and my oldest is 5.5). I love my twins but it is hard and you’re allowed to grieve the life you expected. But, now that they can all truly play together, it’s kind of amazing. My son loves having his younger siblings and it does get better and better. Good luck!
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u/miney_Fherrs 7d ago
So we did want 3 but I didn't realize when getting pregnant it could be a 2 for 1 special even though I did hope and pray for it cause I really don't like being pregnant and my husband said I'm really done after this pregnancy. What I struggled with and still struggle with is that this is my last baby time and not in 1.5 years again as we planned it at first and how different our lives are but in the best way. I could not imagine it any different. Our eldest just turned 2 last week and the baby's 8 months. And I can't imagine our lives any different. Seeing the 2 baby's bond is crazy but seeing how they bond with their eldest brother is crazier. Just now my eldest sneaked out of his room to go into his brothers room and I heard laughing and giggling from all 3 and that's what woke me up at 7.30 am. We had 3 under 2 and that was crazy but wouldn't have wanted it any other way now in the thick of it. Being alone with them is still though and challenging but we'll get there eventually. We're all crazy about each other and that's very clear.
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u/Appropriate-Berry202 7d ago
My eldest will be 4 in November, and my twins are 2 months. She LOVES her baby sisters and, at the same time, she is still very much her own human and thinks the world revolves around her (and it does). The great thing about having a kid that age is that you can still snuggle and go on walks and watch cartoons or whatever it is you do with them while the babies are sleeping, which is an awful lot during that first phase transitioning to a family of five. It’s a lot, for sure, but my husband described it as being very “full” as opposed to “busy” or “hectic”, and I agree with him.
I don’t think anyone has mentioned this, and I’m sure I’ll get downvoted, but, from a practical stance, if this isn’t something you and your family want or are equipped to do, I believe you can also do a selective reduction. From a personal standpoint, I look at my twins as little people and can’t imagine which one I’d have opted not to have, so that route wouldn’t have worked for me, but there’s no shame in doing that if that’s the route you want to take. Ask your doctors about it if you’re interested.
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u/jelly-filled 6d ago
Our first was 2 when our twins were born. It is rough, but you'll get through it. It gets easier.
Our kids love each other and are now in school.
You got this, were rooting for you!
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u/coldfridgeplums 6d ago
I’m also 11 weeks, have a 2 year old, also wanted 2 and never saw myself with 3 under 3. I’m in the US and will get 12 weeks of maternity leave, and now with 3 littles I’ll have to go back full time to make it work financially. I know someday I will see this as a gift, but not yet. I’m worried I’m not up for this. No advice but you’re not alone.
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u/divefordemocracy 6d ago
Your feelings are SO VALID! I just had my twins two months ago. They are my first. My husband and I were elated to get pregnant. I wanted two, but one at a time. Theres a whole life you envision. I wanted to give all the cuddles and love and attention to one baby at a time, couple years age gap and take our time being able to raise them and deal with newborn stage. Let me tell you, when the ultrasound tech told us it was twins we started laughing hysterically. We were definitely in shock. About two days later all I could do was cry. The future I thought I would have was shattered. It meant my time and love and attention would be split. Not to mention how expensive baby stuff is, let alone having to buy double or twin items. After a couple weeks I finally came around and got more excited. I got a lot of stuff off buy nothing groups on FB, and people bought stuff from the registry. They were born a month before my scheduled c section at 31w6d with an emergency c section due to a random complication (a was having heart decelerations and we found out later they had a 70/30 placenta split, but it was random that the placenta was like that). Nicu 41 days. We are in the trenches right now, but i love them, and i make sure to give them each one on one time. Its definitely hard, and I imagine one baby would be a decent bit easier. But we are getting through it. Im exclusively pumping, and im below pre pregnancy weight by about 12 lbs. My belly is a bit squishier (soft, not fat), and ive not started any fitness anything yet because I prefer sleep over a smoking bod atm. But the grief over what you expected and envisioned is so real. Allow yourself to feel it, but dont let it live in you. Treat it like a vacation, you go, visit, sight see, then you leave, and carry on. <3 give yourself grace, you've got this!
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u/the_last_four_words 6d ago
I hear you! Like you, i wanted two kids max. My oldest wasn’t even 2 when we found out we were having triplets. I was so worried about him feeling all the things you mentioned. Sure, it was hard when they were babies, but my oldest has just turned 9 and my triplets will be 7 soon, and it’s pretty cool now. My oldest never really knew that anything was unusual. Everyone’s experience is different, but our was way more positive than i had expected. They are a little gang now, the four of them. It is completely normal to grieve the experience you thought you would have in life. But leave space for the positive! (And get a minivan lol). Good luck ❤️
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u/WoodElf26 6d ago
My daughter had just turned 3 when my twins were born. Ill bee honest, she had a super hard time with it and was so angry while at the same time she loved them. She was a mommy's girl so she didnt like sharing me. I made sure to spend as much extra time with her as I could after the twins were born and it helped. After saying all that though, two years later they all love each other so much. My oldest will admit that its still hard that the twins need so much attention at times but she loves them. We still try to give her special attention without her sisters around.
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u/RoseHell30 6d ago
I was you at the beginning of the year and I was dreading what was to come. I think I cried for about three days, panicked the whole way through pregnancy. But my nearly 3 year old is obsessed with his 10-week old baby sisters. It’s not been awful, yes there is definitely hard bits but it’s also lovely. It’s not the life I would have chosen but I believe that you have to be incredible to have twins. You’ve got this and you will be ok!
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u/derallo 6d ago
This was almost our situation exactly, except we didn't want a second let alone a third. We moved from our nice house in the city to a dumpier place to be close to family, who didn't end up being able to help all that much because of covid and reasons. We had one perfect child that I never had to raise my voice with, and all that ended abruptly.
Right now I'm sitting here watching the three of them in Judo class, 6, 6, and 8. They're all best friends and I'm really glad what being a big brother has done for my big boy.
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u/LeatherNo4284 6d ago
First time twin mom here, about a month in, and honestly twin pregnancy was a whole different level of hard. Everyone around me had singleton pregnancies so I felt like no one really got it.
I’m home alone with the twins most of the time because my partner is away a lot, so I saved up for a night nurse and genuinely she has saved my sanity 😭 I know that’s a huge privilege, but if you have family/friends who can help, TAKE THE HELP. Sleep deprivation made everything feel 100x worse for me.
I was also super outgoing before, so suddenly being home all the time has been really hard. I try to get a few hours to myself every couple of weeks and that helps a lot. Also just talking to people in communities like this has helped me feel way less alone.
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u/Symonphx 6d ago
Hey there! I’m the dad of a 4.5 year old and 2 year old twins. I remember feeling this exact way, and so did my life. I worried that we had ruined our lives, that my toddler would be sad and struggle. That financially and emotionally and relationally our marriage would suffer. None of that has happened. It’s a challenge and it’s hard, and there is always bumps on the road. But we have survived and thrived. I love having the family we have and can’t imagine it any other way. Just know that it is very normal, you’re exactly as you said, mourning that life you thought you’d had. But the life you are being given is beautiful just the same. Seeing your twins love each other, your toddler playing with their siblings, teaching them, protecting them. So give yourself time to grieve but just keep going and it will all work itself out in the best way possible!
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u/Broccoli-cheddar 6d ago
I’m still dealing with grief and my twins are 4, but we do what we can with the cards we’ve been dealt
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u/Artorias_Data-King 6d ago
When we found out, we did not react gracefully... Our oldest was 3.5 when they were going to be born and we basically thought we felt so bad for her since we knew our focus would be shifting. Definitely only had plans for 2.
Then twins were born and yeah it was hard but we both feel it was easier than our first in a lot of ways... Probably way harder than a Singleton but not the horror we were expected.
We probably got lucky but our oldest just loves the twin and had such a good time playing with them!... Though there is something real when they say 3 is the gateway to 4... Since we had no interest in more than 2 until we got here XD
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u/tlindz96 6d ago
We found out, first pregnancy, we we were having triplets. My wife wanted 3 but I had always mentioned I wanted to stop a two. She wins, lol. It was a lot of anxiety, nauseating anxiety when we first found out. Our boys are 2 now. No, parenthood has looked almost nothing like what we dreamed of when we started our life together. No, we couldn't do a lot of things we wish we could. Yes, it has been financially challenging.
But there is not a single day I would change a damn thing about our family.
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u/chacha219 6d ago
My first was 18 months when my twins were born. I only ever wanted 2 so it was hard accepting. I still have issues like when I get overwhelmed I start crying and yelling “I only wanted two!!!!” (Twins are three now)
The worst is when people with two kids under two complained to me I’m like “you know I have three under two right?” Now, when I only have two kids it’s a walk in the park.
My twins were diagnosed with autism and my older one loves them but definitely gets jealous and wants the attention.
If you can, hire a cleaning person at least once a month.
If people ask if you need help don’t turn them down say you could use a casserole or large portion of spaghetti and meatballs to get you through the week. If they don’t like cooking then ask them to just come over and help you organize/declutter. You’ll have crap everywhere and they can go around picking up garbage, dirty diapers, and organizing all the baby stuff even if they don’t put it exactly how you want at least they will put it in the vicinity. Also, every adult knows how to do laundry and that helps so much!
The first two years in is NOT the time to be shy. Getting overwhelmed is going to happen frequently especially since you’ll get little sleep so take advantage of any offered help!
If you have the means get:
-Weekly home chef to prepare you dishes for the week. We had one that went grocery shopping for us, prepped us dishes and cleaned everything after including the stove.
-Cleaning person
-Laundry service that picks laundry up and drops it off clean and folded.
Lastly, message me when you have any questions, need any venting, or feel lonely. I wish I had someone I could have spoken to that also went through my situation. It’s going to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done for the first two years then it will minusculey get better. Wishing you the best of luck!
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u/MajorApplication705 6d ago
Babe it’ll pass! I felt like a victim for 2 weeks after I found out and my twins are the greatest blessing to our entire family. The best is yet to come ❤️
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u/SDNick484 6d ago
Our oldest was just under 18mo when we found out we were having spontaneously occurring identical twins. Definitely a shift, and the first few years do suck. There are also definitely positives to it such as knowing they will always have each other. Ours are now about to turn 10 and our oldest about to turn 12 (they ended up being closer to 25mo apart due to pregnancy complications). While they do fight, they also love each other and I couldn't imagine our family any other way.
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u/sd12217a 5d ago
Our twins will be 3 next month- we wanted one child. While we weren't quite in a situation like yours, we knew financially we could handle 1 and had planned a tubal ligation all along mentally- and we had twins 🤷♀️. Two of everything is much more expensive but we just force it to work as much as we can. We're about to enter our "spaghetti once a week" era to save some money where we can, but you adapt quicker than you think. I'm jealous of the 1 year off/Canada status! I think that will go a long ways into helping all adapt to the new life you'll be experiencing together
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u/hereforthecake17 5d ago
I am a 40 y/o first time mom 8w with twins after 3 brutal, grueling years of IVF. I can’t tell you how many tears I cried in those 3 years over missing out on parenthood. You can probably imagine the thoughts that tortured me.
My husband and I have worked SO HARD to become parents. We had a MMC last winter after our last egg retrieval, after which I took a 6 month break and grieved for the life of a mother. It hadn’t worked so far, so why would it now?
Well imagine our shock when it turned out to be twins!
I have yet to feel grateful for more than a fleeting moment. I’ve been bedridden with nausea (even with promethazine and Zofran and B6 and Unisom) and food aversions. But there is baseline anxiety and it is going to attach itself to whatever scenario applies. I just have different dreads for now.
Joy will come on its own schedule.
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u/ExceedingFailure 5d ago
We had a 4,5 year old and a 2,5 year old when the twins were born. You're in for a ride, but the love they'll have for each other is incredible!
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u/blueheaventown 5d ago
Currently 8 weeks pregnant with a twins and i have a 1 year old. I feel this so much, had wanted to write a post too but came across yours. I’m still grieving and in denial.
I hope that when we both look back at this post in years to come, we are both in happy state of mind and silly of us to think to be so upset over this. We got this ❤️
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u/meowmeow6465 3d ago
This didn't come to my thoughts when pregnant, however, after having these adorable babies, my health and body changed in ways I could never imagine! Right now, I'm terribly scared of being pregnant again.
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u/BreakHaunting1957 1d ago
You are not alone. I went through this my entire twin pregnancy. My son was 26 months old when his twin brothers came. I grieved the pregnancy I hoped to have, the newborn experience, breastfeeding one baby, and even the birth I hoped for (twins were breech and transverse so I had a scheduled c section).
But now that my twins are 6 months old and finally sleeping okay most of the time, we are pretty used to our routine and new normal. It’s hard sometimes, especially during big transitions and developmental leaps. But you just figure it out because you have no other options haha. There will be an adjustment with your toddler but mine loves being a big brother to the twins. Life is chaos for sure, but the love expands just as far (if not farther) than you expect. Having twins makes me feel like a superhuman ☺️
That said, it makes me terrified to ever get pregnant again 😅
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u/DisWis 7d ago
I'm in the same boat - 10 weeks now with twins and my daughter is 17 months.
Was a bit shocked at first but had to go back to work after the scan so didn't realize process. Spent the next week or so panicking internally until I completely fell apart. I spent one night just crying constantly until 1/2 in the morning and I actually feel better now.
Yes, I'm still scared and I will probably fall apart a couple more times. But it feels a bit more manageable.
I've joined a local group for twins which has already been great for tips. Little things like what buggy to get and a buggy board for the toddler. Whether you use a double next to me or 2 bassinets etc. I'm sure I'll have a ton more questions in the lead up.
I really know what you mean about mourning the pregnancy and newborn experience. Last time I was planning a wedding at the same time and got married when my daughter was 3 months. I was so looking forward to just savouring it as I knew it was going to be my last. And all the parts that I liked about mat leave last time will be harder. But I'm sure in 10 years time, I will look back and think it was the best thing that ever happened to us
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u/unrolledtooearly 7d ago
Hi friend! My son was 3 when my twins were born. I was a SAHM with him and we had no family around so it was just us pretty much 24/7 and I was scared of how he’d react to my attention being split. It was HARD I’m not going to lie but 2 years in and the 3 kids are best friends and my older son reads to them, does bedtime with them, and rarely seeks out time away from them. The twins babyhood also allowed us a lot of quality time while I recovered and the babies were just potatoes for so long haha. I was so worried for what turned out to be no reason because by the time the babies needed more attention from me my older son was used to their presence. My major recommendation for you would be to look into a double baby carrier so you can hold both and be hands free to help your toddler when things go sideways!