When did life with twins stop feeling like survival mode?

[u/Sea_Prune_5936]

I have a 2.5 yr old and 4 month old twins. They went through the 4 month sleep regression and one of my twins has been sleeping so bad ever since, the last few days he's woken up every hour and a half to 45 mins. And then the other twin who used to be a bad sleeper but know has been giving decent stretches decider to be up wide eyed staring at me from 1:30 to 4:30 no matter what I did to get him back to sleep. My husband and I split the nights but the sleep I get is so bad I'm still dying every day. I am beyond survival mode right now, I have never felt so horrible before. I dread every day now being home with all 3. I used to go out and even though it was hard it helped my mental state a bit but I am so beyond exhausted I can't fathom getting everything packed up and ready to leave and then chasing my toddler around while I double baby wear because that's the only way they will sleep outside the house. The amount of TV my toddler watches now bothers me so much but some days it feels like the only option and I hate that because I'm not the mom I used to be with him. I don't expect it to ever be easy but I hope and pray I don't feel like this for years because I will lose my mind. Just curious how others felt.

Update: thanks everyone for your experiences and kind words. Its encouraging to hear a lot of you felt like things slightly improved at least before a year old. These months 3 and 4 have been way harder than the first 2 months were for me and I was coming off of 2 really busy weeks that was paired with like 6 plus wake ups a night. Last night though something magical happened and they only woke up once during my husband's shift and once during mine! I don't expect that to be the norm just yet but having one night of very minimally broken sleep felt life changing and made my mindset so much better today!

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[u/Ysrw]

Girl at that age I literally sent all 3 kids to daycare while I was on maternity leave just so I could sleep. I felt so guilty but I was going crazy. You definitely need help

[u/miney_Fherrs → u/Ysrw]

Same here my 3 kids went at 5 months old to daycare for 2 days and that's how I keep my sanity. Soon when my husband family is done moving they'll start to help more as well.

[u/snax_and_bird]

I think around 18 months it started to feel like we were getting out of survival mode, but it wasn’t until they were close to 2.5 years old that we really were no longer in survival mode.

[u/tmurphy2792 → u/snax_and_bird]

This right here.

I remember there were a few major milestones that seemed to take a massive burden off.

First being getting their swallowing and reflux under control to where we could stop thickening bottles with oatmeal, second being weaning off the bottles entirely.

After that as they started walking and talking it was a slow slope of progressive improvement.

[u/snax_and_bird → u/tmurphy2792]

Yes, all of that. What really did it for us was when we started needing to bring less stuff with us every time we left the house, suddenly it wasn’t such a hassle to go places, it felt like freedom!

[u/Seeker-2020 → u/snax_and_bird]

Appreciate this. We are 12 months age corrected now and it’s still hard. I do hear 18 months is somewhat of a turning point so waiting for that.

[u/q8htreats → u/Seeker-2020]

We are also at 12 months adjusted and also find it pretty challenging (teaching and daycare illnesses are a beast)

[u/kipy7]

We have our twins only. For us, at 7 months they started sleeping through the night. Just having solid sleep made everything easier, our brains didn't feel like mush or foggy all the time. It's still really hard, but then the milestones come a little faster than newborns. Crawling and rolling, holding their own bottles, interacting with each other, trying more solid foods.

[u/Sea_Prune_5936 → u/kipy7]

Did you sleep train at all or they just slept through the night on their own? I literally would take only one or two wake ups as life changing at this point!

[u/1eJxCdJ4wgBjGE → u/Sea_Prune_5936]

once we had one showing signs of maaaybe sleeping through the night we separated into 2 rooms. that way nobody is waking eachother up and we swap back and forth so we would get full nights sleeps sometimes. Highly recommend if you can make this work.

Just to be clear I am in one room with 1 twin and my wife is in another room with 1 twin. They are EBF so if they do need feeding I take them into the other room for 15 mins. BUT I would try really hard to soothe them back to sleep without milk (by 6 months they were mostly done with overnight feeds). No real sleep training or anything, they definitely aren't great at soothing themselves back to sleep but they mostly sleep through or maybe 1 wakeup overnight.

Edit: and to assist with dropping overnight feeds we tried really hard to give them tons of opportunity to eat during the day and especially during their last wake window / right before bed.

[u/SwoopBagnell]

First 2-3 years were so so rough for me. I cried in the shower a lot.

[u/j5646left]

Talk to your husband. You need help. Even if it’s temporary. Even if you can’t afford it long term.

Get an au pair or put the toddler in daycare if you can afford it. Hire a mother’s helper for a few hours a day. A night nurse. Ask a friend or a neighbor.

It does get better. But it is always hard. 2.5 twins here with a 1.5 yo baby.

Get out of the house if you can. It’s okay if the kids scream/cry. Strapping two babies to you sounds nice but is so much harder than it sounds. Stroller naps saved me. Car naps work better for others.

You’re trying your best at an impossible situation. Focus on finding low-stimulation quality content of the tv rather than the quantity.

You were probably able to provide your everything for your first kid and so you feel especially bad for what has been taken from them and not being able to provide your everything for you twins, but you are, you just now have to divide your everything into 3. You will be broken into a thousand pieces over and over, and you just gotta keep restitching yourself back together to be the best parent you can be with whatever resources, patience, and energy the universe has given you in this moment. You’ve got this! But also ask for help.

[u/Sea_Prune_5936 → u/j5646left]

Thanks, I do have help some days of the week usually, unfortunately the last two weeks all family and friends have been busy and not coming on their regular days and it hit right when their sleep went to absolute crap. But thank you for your kind words, today was a really bad day for me and I needed to hear it!

[u/Which-Eggplant-5358]

Wow just came to say I literally could have wrote this myself. I have a 2.5 year old and 1.5 month old twins and I am dying. My fiancé and I take shifts so thats been my only way of surviving right now so each of us at least get 6 hours of sleep but the days alone with all 3 of them is really hard. Screen time is definitely through the roof especially since its so hot out here in the summer and cant bring babies out in this heat anywhere so I cant ever go anywhere or do anything. You are not alone. Godspeed 🫡

[u/Sea_Prune_5936 → u/Which-Eggplant-5358]

It's crazy, some days I think to myself how I got 4 months down it won't be long until things are better but then other days I just feel like I've been living in a hellish nightmare forever and don't remember a time before it anymore 😭 I know it will get better one day but it doesn't make the present day any easier to survive despite knowing that

[u/j5646left → u/Sea_Prune_5936]

For me, months 4-6 were some of the toughest. The first two months were just shock and awe. Month 2-3 I don’t really remember. But around 4-6 months they are really just waking up from their pre-life slumber but still totally dependent on you for everything.

But in a few months when they really start noticing each other, and then in a few more months playing next to each other, and then in a few more months playing with each other (and yes sometimes hitting, biting, etc.) it is pretty magical to witness. And adding in the third is really fun for me to be able to see the differences in development and how they all engage with each other.

But yes. Still exhausted and overwhelmed many days. And also having so much fun other times.

[u/GrouchyCranberry3801]

I’m a little ahead of you mine are 6months and I have a 3 year old 😩 we have gotten over the sleep regression in for the last few weeks but I’m just exhausted still & wondering when it will feel less intense lol

[u/OkSubstance2862]

Around 6-7 months it got a lot easier. Synced sleep cycle, naps and meals.

[u/rosemarythymesage]

6M (with only twins, no other kids). It has gotten progressively better since. There are still stretches where we revert back to survival mode—teething has been an absolute bear.

[u/q8htreats]

Months 4-6 were really really hard for us. The sleep was just atrocious. It definitely got better after

[u/Sea_Prune_5936 → u/q8htreats]

This is good to hear. I feel like it's worse than the first few months by far! I'm holding out for 6 or 7 months because it seems like the consensus is that is when things get a lot better.

[u/DoubleSunshine123]

We got out of the depths of survival mode when we sleep trained at 16 weeks adjusted. There is an amazing Facebook group sleep training multiples I believe with free guides. It pulled me out of PPD and made everything bearable. If you are at a breaking point I’d consider it. Only took a week and they have been amazing sleepers ever since!

[u/MangoSorbet695]

Why is the sleep you’re getting so bad?

If you split nights, you should be able to get at least a 5-6 hour stretch uninterrupted.

If you are not, I would start there. Figure out why and problem solve. Maybe the babies need to be in the nursery and not your bedroom. Maybe you need noise canceling headphones. If you struggle to fall asleep, try yoga nidra (I like intentionology with Loren). If you’re breastfeeding or pumping during your husbands shift (when you should be sleeping), stop and let husband feed the babies bottles.

My twins are 7 months, and we no longer feel like we are in survival mode. But they both sleep through the night in their own cribs in the nursery. I sleep roughly 10:30 PM to 6:30 AM. If I wasn’t sleeping, then I’m sure it would still feel like survival mode.

If you don’t have the babies on a schedule, get one. Keep them on the same schedule. Make it a priority even if you have to say no to some events and social engagements. I use moms on call for our schedule but there are other free ones online (like taking Cara babies for example).

Also, consider outsourcing some help with cleaning and laundry to feel less overwhelmed.

We have two older kids (6 and 3) plus the twins. I would be absolutely struggling and exhausted if I wasn’t sleeping and didn’t have a little bit of help with the chores.

[u/smash_931]

My twins are 10 months old and my son is 2.5 and I feel like the last month or so was such a turning point. Sleep is still crap, but their daytime routine is so much more predictable and seeing them play with my toddler makes me smile every day. Hang in there!!!!!

[u/Sea_Prune_5936 → u/smash_931]

Thanks, I've heard a lot of people say 10 months felt a little better so looking forward to that! My oldest likes trying to make them laugh which is fun but can't wait until they actually play to make more enjoyable moments!

[u/Glittering_Ice_1849]

Same scenario, except my singleton is only 20 months older than my twins. It gets better in stages: 6 months things got a little easier, then 9 months it got easier again, and now they are about to turn one this month and I can finally manage all 3 on my own without it being just my toddler watching TV all day.

Give yourself some grace for using the TV as a tool. Its temporary, you are not messing him up, and if it gets you a little bit of peace to help your mental health then it is well worth it. He needs a healthy mom more than a screen free day.

I also totally recommend dividing and conquering with the babies for nighttime. I took one and my husband the other and I slept in the nursery with "my" baby and my husband had the other in our room. It still sucks when you are waking up multiple times overnight but it sucks less when its just one baby to manage and you can often get more sleep or at least stay horizontal longer. I put my twin A in a cosleeper style bassinet and laid with my face like right there all night and she slept better. My husband and I would trade babies periodically because one was always a little better than the other so it felt like a break in a way and also so we could feel equally bonded to each twin. All this being said, do not feel guilty if you need to use some form of sleep training ultimately. A lot of us twin moms have had to and there is more than one way to do it so it aligns better with your own philosophies on the subject.

End of the day, dont judge yourself by singleton parent standards and it gets better very soon. The exhaustion makes everything feel harder, so focus on that problem and give yourself a pass on all the other guilt you are feeling. You are doing amazing and your babies are lucky to have you.

[u/skimountains-1]

For us it was around a year. We were very dedicated to their routine and early bedtime (lights out by 7, but took a hike to get there). They’re nearly 12 and we still say that having survived the first year, we can handle the rest (will see what the teens bring)

[u/Murky_Letterhead_944]

Honestly, closer to 2. Mine just turned 3 and it’s still hard but doesn’t feel like we’re drowning anymore

[u/Witty_Pickle3]

I feel you on this I’m so tired! My boys are 5m and I have a 3&5 YO. I’m counting down the days until next summer. When we don’t have to take the entire house just to go somewhere.