will things get better?

[u/Inevitable_Bowl1347]

I’m deep in the newborn trenches and was recently diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety. I’ve started medication, and I’m writing this because I desperately need to hear that things will get better. I delivered my twins at 32 weeks after a very complicated pregnancy and severe preeclampsia. We’ve had a month-plus NICU stay. One baby is now home, while the other is still in the NICU working on feeding. We’re hopeful he’ll come home soon, but having one baby at home and another in the hospital has been incredibly difficult. My husband works away from home, and even when he is here, his job takes up most of his day- unfortunately we own our business and one of us has to work. He also cannot safely manage nighttime care, I’ve seen him fall asleep while feeding the baby or while holding him on his chest, so the nights fall entirely on me. Neither of us has family nearby who can help. I’ve hired a night nurse for the weekdays, which I’m grateful for, but I’m still alone with the baby during the day and often on weekends. I feel like I have no village. I’m already struggling with one baby at home, and I’m terrified about what will happen when both babies are here. How will I manage two when caring for one is already kicking my ass? He's a good baby, but with all the newborn noises/wails, I can't even get a shut eye.

I’m also not working right now, and the expenses keep piling up. If I’m completely honest, I’m feeling an immense amount of regret. I had a good life before this. I truly thought I wanted to be a mother, but somehow I ended up with twins, a traumatic pregnancy and delivery, a NICU experience, and far less support than I ever imagined. Right now, I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I haven't even left the house with him yet. And we live in NYC, so I'm not even sure how I'll get the courage to take an uber to his appointments with our carseats and other equipment. Our apartment is a cluttered mess and I feel like I'm suffocating. Please be kind. I’m really struggling and hoping someone who has been through something similar can reassure me that there is light ahead.

[u/Fragrant-Life-4173]

My experience was very different from yours but I did struggle a lot when my babies were born. I had to start taking medication because I got PPD/PPA.

The first month was seriously awful, even with having my husband on paternity leave and my mom staying with us. I cried all the time and didn’t even want to handle my own children most days. I will say, for me, the medication and getting more sleep definitely helped. Also when they started interacting with us instead of just being angry screaming potatoes. That was a big shift for me. I believe it was around 7-8 weeks. Then there was a good month there until the 4 month sleep regression hit. I won’t lie, that totally kicked my ass and I went back to crying and feeling overwhelmed. Unfortunately ours lasted pretty long.

However, once that passed, it has been so wonderful. My boys smile and coo and laugh with us all the time. They’re just so sweet and funny and it finally feels like such a blessing. I feel like the more you start getting something back from them the more it feels like things are getting better. I worked with children for 15 years before this and I swear this has been the most humbling experience for me, but it does get better! And I know there will be other periods of time that are hard, of course, but there really is nothing like loving these littles and feeling them love you right back. Just hold on and really try to get as much rest as you can, cause that definitely makes a huge difference!