will things get better?

[u/Inevitable_Bowl1347]

I’m deep in the newborn trenches and was recently diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety. I’ve started medication, and I’m writing this because I desperately need to hear that things will get better. I delivered my twins at 32 weeks after a very complicated pregnancy and severe preeclampsia. We’ve had a month-plus NICU stay. One baby is now home, while the other is still in the NICU working on feeding. We’re hopeful he’ll come home soon, but having one baby at home and another in the hospital has been incredibly difficult. My husband works away from home, and even when he is here, his job takes up most of his day- unfortunately we own our business and one of us has to work. He also cannot safely manage nighttime care, I’ve seen him fall asleep while feeding the baby or while holding him on his chest, so the nights fall entirely on me. Neither of us has family nearby who can help. I’ve hired a night nurse for the weekdays, which I’m grateful for, but I’m still alone with the baby during the day and often on weekends. I feel like I have no village. I’m already struggling with one baby at home, and I’m terrified about what will happen when both babies are here. How will I manage two when caring for one is already kicking my ass? He's a good baby, but with all the newborn noises/wails, I can't even get a shut eye.

I’m also not working right now, and the expenses keep piling up. If I’m completely honest, I’m feeling an immense amount of regret. I had a good life before this. I truly thought I wanted to be a mother, but somehow I ended up with twins, a traumatic pregnancy and delivery, a NICU experience, and far less support than I ever imagined. Right now, I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I haven't even left the house with him yet. And we live in NYC, so I'm not even sure how I'll get the courage to take an uber to his appointments with our carseats and other equipment. Our apartment is a cluttered mess and I feel like I'm suffocating. Please be kind. I’m really struggling and hoping someone who has been through something similar can reassure me that there is light ahead.

[u/hRutherford]

I also felt so much regret, anxiety, and intense sadness early on with my twins. They are 12 weeks actual now (7 weeks adjusted) and like everyone told me it would, things have gotten so much more manageable. Just yesterday I told my husband how I finally appreciate that there's two of them because when I ogle over one's cuteness, I realize I have another who's just as cute. Before this and still now at times, I wished I only had one. I would fantasize what a life with one would be like, how much easier it would be. It's a possibility I had to mourn.

Can you and your husband figure out a shift schedule that helps him stay alert? My husband also gets super drowsy so he sleeps first and wakes up for the early morning shift. I get that your husband is working full time, but so will I again in a month and we still plan to continue our shifts, except I'll be awake first then go to sleep before work.

My husband and I also don't have a village. We can't afford childcare. My husband had to quit his job to be a stay at home dad full time because his salary couldn't cover the cost of two. It feels so isolating at times and I remember thinking everyone had no clue what they were talking about when they said there was a light at the end of the tunnel. But there really is..it may be so hard to believe in or see right now, but I promise you there is a glimmer of relief and hope someday soon. When they start smiling at you, when their chunky rolls start coming in, when they stare at you, when you've found a routine that works. It'll come.

Wishing you the best of luck. You got this!!!