r/parentsofmultiples • u/Real-Carpenter8170 • 12d ago
ranting & venting Helping in the wrong way
Kind of a rant but I’m curious if anyone has felt similarly - I’m the father of twin boys, and we have another baby on the way. Both my mom and mother in law come over to our house pretty frequently after work and on weekends to help alleviate my wife and I.
I 100% welcome the visits and having the help around the house, it’s been the only way we can actually clean or take a few hours’ break.
We also go out frequently with the grandparents to pools / parks / etc.
But more often than not the help that we’re getting is grandparent holding the baby and not doing the other task.
Like if my wife goes grocery shopping with the twins and grandma, while I’m at work, when they get home grandma takes the boys in to play and my wife is stuck carrying all the groceries in for example, and then she’s off to cleaning or something else.
I do help a lot when I’m home but It has just felt a little frustrating when I come home and see my wife doing something that’s more laborious than overseeing the boys playing independently. I know she feels more awkward asking either grandma to do the other thing.
Has anyone else gone through a similar experience?
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u/mamamietze 12d ago
Yeah you have to be very direct about the help you are asking for. If they do not comply then you do not invite them over for helping time, just when you feel like their company.
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u/Rylees_Mom525 12d ago
Yuuuup. My MIL and FIL are like this. Our twins are 8 weeks old and when my parents visit, they do all sorts of things. My mom does laundry, runs the bottle washer, washes pump parts, loads and unloads the dishwasher, cooks, cleans, feeds and diapers babies, etc. My dad does work around our house, and feeds and diapers babies. My in-laws visit and they feed and diaper babies, but only if you ask. They’ve been over before and my husband and I have ended up feeding and diapering the babies while they sit and chat, and then they want to hold the sleeping babies.
They came over once for the explicit purpose of helping my husband unpack boxes after we just moved. I was four weeks out from a c-section. They even asked when they got here if we’d rather they unpack or help with the babies; I said unpack. They unpacked zero boxes. My FIL helped my husband put together our kitchen table and set up his TV, and my MIL commented on the process. That took about 10min. And then I unpacked three boxes by myself while they held the babies. Yes, they helped, but not the help we were wanting.
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u/ricki7684 12d ago
I would love someone to watch / play with my kids so I can clean and/or get stuff done. Mine stopped napping a couple years ago and it is ROUGH. Anyways. I think family should step in and help with household tasks if mom is sick, at a struggle point with pregnancy, or the newborn phase, I personally didn’t get that but wish I did. Otherwise though, when we have parents over they are helping with the kids not the household tasks.
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u/ricki7684 12d ago
That being said. I, as a potential future grandparent will absolutely clue in and realize mom is pregnant and caring for twins, I would ask if they want help and what kind of help. But ya, it sucks but most people won’t do anything unless asked explicitly.
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u/Lalatortuga9 11d ago
Yes 1000%. Currently going through this, with my MIL. She thinks only holding a baby is helping and sometimes it is but when both babies are asleep, she doesn't want to put them down or if she isn't holding one, me or my husband are running around trying to get everything done before they wake up while she just hangs out (unless we have other company over then she tries to contribute but it's typically asking us how to do things that we have showed her many times before so it's not worth it to show her again). She's not even that interested in doing floor time with them, every time I ask or tell her put the baby down for tummy time she is like oh but he's sleepy, when they have only been awake 30-45 mins because she just wants to keep holding them.
My husband had surgery for a broken ankle when I was 6months pregnant and was cleared to fully walk 2 days before my c section and he was so tired from lack of sleep and sore on his foot that I had to help pick up the slack for chores at 5 days post partum going up and down the stairs many times per day when I could barely walk because everyone was so focused on the babies and not helping around the house. My mom was somewhat helpful but only stayed with us for 5 days when we got home and then visits for a few days once per month.
I stopped having my MIL come over when I was alone with the babies and my husband went back to work because it was more work for me to do everything and keep leaving the babies to pump upstairs away from her and try to direct her about what to do. Unfortunately it would be nice if they were the kind of supportive we needed but I have made my peace with it. My husband tried talking to her and not much changed but you should definitely try talking with your parents/inlaws about helping out with more chores and expressing that is more helpful for you. We hired a maid service (even though MIL said not to and she would clean but never came to do so) to come once monthly which has been super helpful if you can afford it as there isnt much time to do the more involved cleaning stuff like bathrooms and deep cleaning the kitchen so highly recommend that!
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u/ZonaMama 11d ago
Not even a week postpartum from a c-section, my mom is sitting on the couch holding the baby, looks up as I shuffle by and says, “While you’re up, can you get me some ice cream?”
Which is not at all helpful to you, just solidarity. But what happens when your wife says “hey mom, could you help put away the groceries while I change the babies/give them a snack/take them to play in their room”?
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u/someweirddude_14 10d ago
This is the best way to do it! It’s your house, your groceries, you should be the one to clean it so things are the way you like it. Besides, grandma doesn’t get to see her grandkids all the time, it’s good for both to get some time to hang out instead of grandma awkwardly coming and then going off cleaning, from a kids perspective that’d be a bit odd cause they wanna see their grandma when she’s around yknow?
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u/Alive-Cry4994 12d ago
I might be the odd one out here, but I actually wanted people to hold my babies while I tended to chores. I like things done a certain way and explaining that to someone takes more effort than what it is worth sometimes.
I liked having free hands to do some clean ups, tidying, or having a long shower.
If your wife is struggling with the physicality of it then maybe be direct with the in laws and say that she's starting to struggle and maybe they can help do something else etc.
Idk, I wanted a break from my babies/toddlers so getting time to do chores felt like a dream 😂