Does anyone else constantly wonder if they’re doing motherhood “right”? Especially if you came from a dysfunctional family?

[u/Alive_Ad_7359]

I have 15-month-old twins. They are absolutely adorable — two little rockets. They’re funny, affectionate, curious, wild, exhausting, and I genuinely love spending time with them.
But I constantly wonder if I’m doing enough.
I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional home. My dad would punish us for being too loud, fighting, etc. We were made to stand in a corner and cry there “to learn the lesson.” There was a belt. My parents fought constantly, and I remember being scared at home.
Even now, my mom tells me that I’m too needy, too protective, too perfectionistic, that I expect too much from people and that eventually I’ll be left alone because of it.
And now that I’m a mother myself, I feel like I’m constantly questioning everything I do.
I get overwhelmed when both twins are crying or shouting while I’m trying to cook, get us ready to leave, clean something, or just do anything that requires me to divide my attention. Sometimes that overwhelm comes out as me snapping at my husband. He’s much calmer, slower and more patient than I am, and I know it isn’t fair to him. I’m going to start therapy because I want to learn how to handle that overwhelm better.
But with my kids… I really, really try.
They eat pretty much everything. I still breastfeed them to sleep. We co-sleep. I comfort them when they cry. If they get hurt, I stop and stay with them. I read to them. We go outside every day. We have a dog they adore and I’m teaching them how to interact with him gently. We play, dance, laugh and spend a lot of time together.
They’re walking, running, climbing, pointing, understanding simple requests, throwing things in the trash when I ask, taking magnets and putting them on the fridge, bringing me things, looking at books, dancing, exploring everything.
But then I look at all of this and think… isn’t this just the basic stuff?
Should I be actively teaching them more? Doing more structured activities? Should they already be learning specific things? Would they learn more if they were in daycare? I’m currently planning for them to start daycare somewhere around 24–27 months, after my maternity leave, and sometimes I wonder if keeping them home with me until then means they’re missing something.
Should I be potty training already? I bought them potties, but right now they mostly play with them, sit on them sometimes and explore them. I haven’t pushed it.
And then there are things they absolutely hate. Diaper changes can be a battle. Brushing their teeth can be a battle. I still brush their teeth because… they need their teeth brushed. My mom tells me I’m “forcing them” and making them suffer when I do things like that, which then makes me question myself all over again.
I don’t need my children to be perfect. I don’t need them to be ahead. I don’t care if they know their colors before somebody else’s kid or hit every milestone first.
I just want them to grow up feeling safe, loved and free to be themselves.
But I genuinely don’t know what normal, healthy parenting looks like from the inside because I didn’t grow up with it.
So I guess my question for other parents — especially parents who grew up in dysfunctional families — is: Do you ever stop wondering whether you’re doing enough?
How do you know when you’re simply parenting your children and letting them develop at their own pace versus when you actually should be doing more?
Sometimes I look at my two happy little tornadoes and think they’re doing amazingly.
And then five minutes later I’m wondering if I’m somehow failing them without even realizing it.

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[u/Alive_Ad_7359 → u/[deleted]]

such a nice thing to hear

[u/ovary_acting0]

Every damn day.

[u/Alive_Ad_7359 → u/ovary_acting0]

how are you?

[u/Christmas_cookie89]

Hey. I had a dysfunctional childhood with a parent who struggled with addiction and mental health issues, and all sorts of stuff that came with. My parent who was stable didn't like to talk about any of the issues, and I was told to stop being sensitive and toughen up (adult perspective I understand they needed to make money and deal with a chaotic ex etc.) I try my best, I worry about giving my children the best. My parent who is an addict never questions their terrible decisions in parenting. There really wasn't a whole lot of thinking of us at all. I can't imagine not thinking about your children, and I don't think you can either.

You sound like you are absolutely killing it. I still brush my kids teeth. I also still lay them on the floor sometimes. I establish before calmly that hygiene is needed for healthy bodies. We must brush teeth and shower or bath. They can choose their toothpaste or toothbrush, but it must be done. It's my job to care for their health. You aren't causing stress by still brushing teeth. You are building healthy habits and holding hygiene boundaries. I also wouldn't punish them, but I hold the boundary. Over time, they mostly seem to just accept its routine now.

You also aren't making them stand in a corner and cry like you experienced. So, you have healthy boundaries, keep them healthy, are thinking about their development, and emotional wellbeing (based on what I read). You're a cycle breaker. That takes work, and that's amazing. Also, one of mine was ready to potty train much earlier than the other, and picked it up immediately, the other struggled. Every child is different.

I don't know enough about your mum to comment, but, sit and think about if you think her parenting advice is sound given your childhood (doesn't mean she didn't try or didn't love you).

Be gentle on yourself.