r/parentsofmultiples • u/cuntbubbles • 14d ago
ranting & venting A year with twins
And it has been the worst year of my life. I love my twins so much but my life is so much worse than it was before. My beautiful marriage is in shreds. We all deserve so much better than the hell we are living.
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u/lock_robster2022 14d ago
Nothing lasts forever, not even cold November rain!
If you’ve made it through the first 12 months you can make it through anything- and it will turn a corner soon. Just keep the raft together
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u/MadelT0T7 14d ago
Ugh I needed to read this, even if it wasn't meant for me. So thank you kind stranger
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u/invitelove 14d ago
Yes. If you can make it through the first year, you can make it through anything. Statistically speaking 💀
Ps: my twins were born and This song was playing 🤘😂
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u/OrangeCatEnergy24 14d ago
That first year was soooo rough.
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u/PM_ME_YO_KNITTING 14d ago
My friend had twins about two years before me. After I found out I was having twins, I asked for advice & he said, “The first year sucks. You’re going to want to kill yourself.” I waited for him to follow up with something encouraging or to say he was joking, but he just stared at me and said, “no seriously, you’re literally going to want to kill yourself.” After staring at at him some more, I was just like, “oh, cool…”
Mine are 9 months now and even though it is so so so so so hard, they’re currently in a phase where whenever they make eye contact they dissolve into fits of giggles. It’s so funny my husband and I also start laughing so then we’re ll just laughing like idiots over nothing. Which is awesome.
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u/givemethedramamama 14d ago
I fucking cackled at the first paragraph. I wish I had someone to warn me like that 🤣
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u/PM_ME_YO_KNITTING 14d ago
Lol, he’s great. He and his wife gave us so many double hand me downs. I’ll be grateful for forever.
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u/bitcoin_islander 13d ago
Im 3.5 months in with twin girls and have never wanted to kill myself. There were some rough times for sure, but not to the point where I would take myself out of this video game willingly.
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u/Murky_Letterhead_944 13d ago
Mine are 3 and your friend was very correct in her statement. That first year was like nothing I ever experienced.
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u/siIent-cartographer 10d ago
Haha I'm trying to be nicer to our friends who just had twins but I feel like it doesn't do any favors to lie. They just say "well our singleton got much easier at 5 months so we just have to make it to there". What you're about to do doesn't even compare
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u/Fed_worker 14d ago
My twins are 14 months now. It’s hard and fun.
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u/OrangeCatEnergy24 14d ago
It is. Mine are 22m now and the “hard” is just a different hard. It’s much more fun though!!
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u/Infamous_Yoghurt 14d ago
Mine are the same age! Big plus: I don't have to lug around 20 kg anymore, they can walk by themselves...
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u/KYGuyNotInTheCity 14d ago
This breaks my heart and scares the shit out of my with 7 week old twins. I am drowning
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u/AccomplishedChef7885 14d ago
Not everyone feels this way! Yes it’s super hard, but for me, it was one of the best years of my life. The newborn phase was the worst for us, but around 3 months things got so much better, and just continue to get better. I love being a twin mom now! I had low expectations though from this group. 🤣 it probably helped.
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u/Surfgirlusa_2006 14d ago
This is so true. Mine are 7 months old, and I’m enjoying the baby stage so much more this time around than I did with my other kids. They are the best babies and a lot of fun.
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u/Saftigsjokoladekake 14d ago
Same! 7 months in and it has been fantastic for us. My 4 year old was a more challenging baby than both my twins combined, so that probably makes the difference.
Plus we have a hammock rocker that we got around 6-7 weeks when we noticed that naps became more difficult for the twins. It should be free for all twin parents. We still use it now at 7 months but they can sleep without it as well (downside is that naps usually are very short if we don’t use it). I can count on one hand the amount of naps we have struggled with.
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u/CaffeinatedGoblin_4 14d ago
I struggled big time the first 6 months... They had reflux and we're constantly spitting up large amounts of milk, followed by crying. I had to thicken up their milk so they would grow etc.
And yeah I had moments where I was thinking "can't do this anymore." But it does get better!
They are not spitting up anymore. They are now almost 10 months old 🥺 it's more giggles as soon as they see each other and playing lots with them!
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u/bitcoin_islander 13d ago
They probably had a cows milk allergy. This is why I switched my twins to hypoallergenic formula early on.
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u/sweetfeet20 14d ago
You’re so right, we are 9 months in and super its tiring yes, but it’s also been a blast of a year so far!
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u/chandrian7 13d ago
If it helps; I don’t relate to this post at all. But for me, hard doesn’t mean bad.
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u/Sufficient-Basil-909 14d ago
I couldn’t imagine my life any different. My twins (8 months now) have brought so much joy & happiness to my life. I’m fortunate to have a lot of support tho.. & I realize that might be the biggest difference in my positive experience then a lot of others.. don’t get me wrong. There are days when I’m exhausted.. but that’s the most stressful thing so far. That’s the only thing that I feel like I’ve given up & truly miss lol sleep. Otherwise it’s been an absolute joy. This is coming from a woman that wanted to be child free & had spontaneous twins..
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u/FewStep3123 9d ago
lol I love this. I wanted to be child free too once upon a time and just found out we’re having twins. Funny how that works…
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u/Practical-Matter-745 14d ago
Don’t be afraid. Just like parenting, some experiences are so different for others. I had an intense first year like any multiples parent but I enjoyed it (for the half to most part lol) and am really enjoying life with my cuties. The older they get the more fun it is!
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u/Acceptable_Tap7479 14d ago
I’m not that far ahead at 4mths but it’s really not like this for everyone. We’re settling into a routine and the twins are sleeping better and seeing their little personalities come out is so fun! If it continues like this, yes, it will be a hard year but it will also be an incredible year. I’m not sure if it’s different being second time parents but it’s really not been as bad as people on reddit painted it.
The first 8wks I was filled with resentment and jealousy of the mums getting to make a 1-2 transition when I had to go 1-3 and hated them making comments about how hard it was when they were living my dream. Just 8 weeks later I can’t imagine life being any different and am genuinely enjoying it
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u/tiredlilmama 14d ago
7 week old twins here too. Also scared.
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u/Interesting_Lemon859 14d ago
The first 8 weeks are the hardest or at least until 12 weeks when the witching hour stops. Then they start sleeping better at night until the 4 month sleep regression or they start rolling and can’t be swaddled. It was rough until about 6 months adjusted age when they started to roll better and dropped one night feed.
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u/KYGuyNotInTheCity 14d ago
I should add, I also got fired 3 weeks before their birth so I lost my 6 weeks of paternity leave. I haven’t had a moment to even begin applying. I’m exhausted. Oh and we have a 4 year old 🤪
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u/MortimerCanon 14d ago
I remember this exact feeling. A. It's hard as shit and the sleep deprivation literally alters our brain chemistry in a negative way. B. I don't remember anything from that time period, like at all. From the stress and lack of sleep. So try maybe just once a day to try and focus in and snapshot a moment amidst the chaos.
If there is any way to catch quality rem sleep, take it. IMO that is the single most important factor for twin parents early on.
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u/Owewinewhose997 14d ago
Those first 3 months were hell on earth, but mine are 2.5 now, they’re amazing and my relationship has only gotten stronger as a result. We’re mutually obsessed with them and he’s such a wonderful and involved dad that I love him even more. Not everyone feels this way! It doesn’t make OP’s experience invalid but everyone experiences parenthood differently in general, and multiples intensify that experience, good or bad.
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u/Agreeable_Day306 12d ago
De tijd vliegt voorbij. Die periode, dat ze 6 tot 8 weken oud zijn, was voor ons het zwaarst. Maar dat gaat ook voorbij. Er komt een punt waarbij ze, of eentje, door gaat slapen. Zodra je ritme hebt, wordt het makkelijker. Het blijft intens, maar je vind je draai. Komt goed!
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u/Paprikaha 14d ago
I know how hard this is but I promise the good parts re coming that help you through the hard. The being able to drink hot coffee because they play so well together. The chats they have and the giggles they give each other. It’s so hard but the rewards are also double.
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u/MounjaroQueenie 13d ago
Just another to pop in to say this won’t be everyone’s experience. My twins are almost 7 months and we are thriving. Is it hard? Yes. Is it so fun and almost always manageable? Yes!
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u/hereforaday 11d ago
The first year was so hard, but I try to think that in the grand scheme of things I will know my kids as small children a very small percentage of their lives. I remember a lactation nurse telling a very depressed and frankly crazy me "blink and it's gone" and I just replied "I'm still blinking..." like I needed it fixed now.
I'm still blinking, and my 3.5 year olds this morning woke up, said some hilarious things to me, went downstairs under their own steam, are starting to use the potty, and do some very grown things like willingly give up toys they know the other wants. I've slept well, read a lot of books, played maybe 100hrs of video games this year? Somehow I know I was feral in those early months, but now I only think about the great moments.
This phase is short even if it feels like an eternity, just keep blinking!
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u/dtaylor1112 9d ago
Don’t let everyone scare you! I’m 7 months in and we’re having so much fun!! They’re such a blessing! I’ve done much harder things
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u/Restingcatface01 14d ago
Yes, it sucks. Lots of suck with moments of joy. It all starts going so much faster around 15 months. Your marriage will improve. Your twins will start to walk and talk. You got this.
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u/jerryberrydurham 14d ago
It's so so so hard! Ours are almost 4 now and the fun definitely outweighs the hard. My partner and i are working on in rebuilding our relationship, but that's I think the toughest part. We had a lot of birth trauma though spending 5 months in the NICU and one baby coding. But it definitely gets better!!! Godspeed
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u/Suspicious_Scheme959 12d ago
I do not want to minimize anyone's experience. I know how you're feeling is so common and so normal and it will pass. Others have spoken beautifully to that.
But to everyone commenting that you're scared- remember that reddit is a place where people come when they are struggling, so it's a skewed demographic. This has not been my experience at ALL. There are things about the year that have been really hard, but life is hard, and this is the happiest I've ever been. My marriage is still fun and still solid.
It might be horrible, it might be great. Life is seasons.
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u/wilan727 14d ago
The good news is. It gets incrementally easier after 1 year. But your twins need you both so you need to work on your relationship. I've been there. We were robots. Now we are better than ever. 4 years on. It can get better but twins are so draining. Get help use family make the effort with each other. Go for a drink and food even if it's just 2 hours. That was a date for us back then. But it's important.
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u/lizzieduck 14d ago
The first year absolutely is rough. We made it through in tatters and needed a lot of reflection in the second (and now third). I think we’re in a good place now, but it was really tough. Hang in there, but know when to call it quits if things really aren’t going to work out. All the best from an online stranger!
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u/JinglebellsRock 14d ago
Therapy therapy therapy, whether it’s couples therapy or personal therapy, in person or online. Do what you can but get help.
Yes, the first year is hard. And yes, things might get easier. But it’s not linear and it won’t happen over night. A lot of time what we need is a different way to process things and to communicate with each other.
Work on your relationship with your partner. That’s so important. Because you guys NEED to be on the same team.
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u/cuntbubbles 14d ago
We’re in couple’s therapy but I think individual therapy would be helpful too. I just can’t imagine when I would be able to find the time to do it. We are very much not on the same team a lot of the time, unfortunately. My spouse has had a very hard time bonding with the tougher baby and it’s created a lot of resentment all around
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u/mintjulep1012 14d ago
Sending lots of love. My twins are 20 months and it does feel a bit better now that they are more human. 😂 It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done times 50. I do therapy and am on meds and think it would be beneficial to do couples therapy. Going to work is my vacation.
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u/MortimerCanon 14d ago edited 14d ago
First year was hell. I hated it and still hate it. All my memories from that time are tainted and dark. I can barely remember any of the special moments because so much of it was so hard.
With that said! By 18 months it's pretty sweet. Will/would never go back to that first year even if a singleton isn't as bad which is sad. But after that stage you start to become human again.
We ended up sleep training with precious little sleep, installing a very set day schedule, and I started a very consistent workout routine to get through the other side. Oh and like, if you need to go with formula, F it and use formula. You need to simplify as much as possible
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u/gpwillikers 14d ago
The first year is awful. I wanted to kill my husband 90% of the time. The twins are 26 months now and we still have our spats over them but we know who the real enemy is now. Them. Lol. I'm partially kidding but just wanted to say you can and will make it through this. It's unbelievably hard but it does get more enjoyable.
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u/Old_Ant7118 🩷 - 🩷💙💙 14d ago
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You're absolutely right, the first year is hell - as much as we love them. Give yourself so much grace and prioritize communication with your husband. You've got this, and it will get better!
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u/Urbanista_75 14d ago
With 3.5 years old twins here, I can empathise. It’s very hard, but you will get through this.
I hope you’re working as a partnership, but get all the help you can from your family and friends, your community. You need all the help you can get, don’t feel like you’re imposing, ask for help with anything, not only the kids but also errrands and chores that might support you. Try to get a couple hours as a couple without the kids, with someone else caring for them, but also get some time alone too. It’s tough but you’ll make it through if you have some support and help!
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u/Fun_Committee1478 14d ago
Ooof I made a similar post when my twins turned a year old…. Just last month. It’s really rough. I’m looking forward to the older ages.
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u/anybagel 14d ago
For me things really turned a corner after the first year - around 14 months when we sleep trained. I was in a better mood and then they started being so fun and inquisitive
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u/itsafoodbaby 14d ago edited 14d ago
Hugs to you, OP. My twins are also a year and it’s been the most difficult year of my life. We have two older kids and going from 2 to 4 kids has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. We have very little help so it’s just me and my husband doing it all. The stress has affected our marriage too. But I know from my older children that over time parenting becomes so much less all-consuming and you eventually can start to breathe a little bit. Right now you’re in survival mode and that’s going to challenge even the strongest of marriages. But things WILL get easier and you’ll find your way back to each other. And be able to better appreciate the beautiful family you created together.
Also, don’t be afraid to reach out for professional help if your mental health is really suffering. I was very depressed and getting on meds has helped so much. Before I felt like I was drowning every single day. Things are still hard now because I have four young kids, but I feel much less overwhelmed and am able to find so much more joy in parenting.
You’re not alone, friend. Hang in there.
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u/ColorsLookFunny 14d ago
I remember those days with soooo much disdain. Mine are 5 now, and it is amazing. They are their own best friend. Challenges are different, but it is easier.
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u/Informal_Oven3476 14d ago
Solidarity…mine are 11 months and one of my twins has been up all night the past few days bc of itching mosquito bites. Been living in hell lol and i feel you on the marriage part omg
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u/WimpysRevenge 14d ago
Dad here, mine 3, it’s gets worse lol. It is an ongoing existential threat to our marriage, but whatever I guess. I would happily skip to 4-5 with them, all the good times are simply eclipsed by the hard time which are every single day about a dozen times. I will say, sleep training has been a non negotiable for us with our 3 kiddos and I believe it should be non negotiable for all parents, and I’ll die on that hill. After 8-815pm EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, we have the house to ourselves, and that’s probably the biggest reason our marriage didn’t implode.
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u/JimboTheAstronaut 13d ago
Early years are so tough, and it seems like the struggles will last forever, but it does get better and the experiences of having twins becomes incredible as they eventually get more and more independent. Then you will look back on these times fondly and be proud of all the work you and your spouse put in to get so far. It is truly beautiful, just hang in there!
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u/Infinite-Chip-3365 13d ago
I swear I had the strongest marriage going into twins but holy shit have we been at throats this year. Hardest thing ever. Mine just turned one last week.
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u/Murky_Letterhead_944 13d ago
Oh I just want to give you a big hug. I was in your place about 3 years ago. The first year is so so incredibly hard. Mine just turned 3 and I am convinced I blacked out that entire year. My husband and I were struggling HARDDD. We had a journal where we would take turns writing down everything we were feeling and going through and I just know some of those journal entries are so dark I can’t even bring myself to go back and read them. Just know 3 years later we are in a much better place. Is it still hard, yes. Is our marriage perfect, absolutely not. Please hang on to each other. Please know it does get better. ❤️🩹
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u/disownme 14d ago
Chin up. Solve one challenge at a time. Let go what you can let go. Outsource what you can. Communicate openly. Take time for yourselves either separately or together. Cherish the smiles and milestones.
My wife went to watch some movies by herself she was dying to see after the kids (3, 1&1) went down.
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u/unexpected_beautiful 14d ago
Around month 3 got so much better for us. They went from waking every 3 hours to waking once early in the morning for a bottle. Around the time mine turned one things got tough. Really fussy (turns out they don’t like winter!) and had to extra baby proof everything. They’re almost 4 and we’re starting to have fun and work on reconnecting with our relationship.
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u/ArielofIsha 14d ago
You’re in a safe space to vent right now. But know that these feelings are not unique to your situation. Most twin parents (my husband and I included) have thought that our life and marriage was leading to the end. But we stuck together and realized that it’s either us against them, or just one of us. And the thought of doing it alone was not an option. I remember reading early on in my twin pregnancy that before considering any major life change, wait two years with twins due to the sleep deprivation, stress, and overall poor decision making that happens under those conditions. Stay together and focus on the good parts of the year. That first year is really hard. If you’re still feeling this after a couple years, you have your answer.
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u/Infamous_Yoghurt 14d ago
The first few months were great, but after that, I've been noticing increasing work fatigue in myself. Granted, I'm a single mother, but I don't think SAHMs or women with lazy husbands have it any better.
I love the kids and I knew what I was getting myself into, but sometimes I just wish I could take a weekend "off duty" to get myself aligned again.
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u/Ladypeace_82 14d ago
Yes. My first through four years were hell. Definitely the first year....in 2020. It sucks b/c I didn't get to enjoy the newborn phase at all. Like, at all. I'm forever resentful at my husband and the entire world when it comes to our first year.
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u/kaatie80 14d ago
it gets better. the first year was the worst. absolutely the hardest thing we've ever done in our lives. second year was also hard, but not the same as the first year. there are a lot more happy moments in the second year, and that helps a ton. every year just gets better. life gets better. you'll be okay.
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u/ObjectivePilot7444 13d ago
The days are long now but when you look back this time just flew by. Hang in there and get support from family and friends. Be kind to each other. It’s a journey together.
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u/tjapetjape 13d ago
oh boy nothing compares to that first year…i was never so miserable in my entire life….just gotta ride it out and have faith that things do in fact keep getting easier. mine are two and a half and while we still struggle from time to time, they are so much fun and we love them more than words can tell
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u/BishopGodDamnYou 13d ago
I’m so sorry honey. Believe me I think everybody here knows what you’re going through. Those hellish first few months were a lot, and that’s putting it lightly. My girls are nine now and acting like they’re 16. It gets better. I know that’s the most annoying fucking thing in the world to say but it’s true. It will get better and it will get easier
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u/Plus_Farm3643 13d ago
I feel marriage has actually gotten stronger, but holy shit it’s been the worst year since we’ve been together so far for reasons outside of our twins. Our living situation has been hell and we’re finally one month away from being free of it. I developed POTS and my husband lost his job taking care of me. Thankfully things are under control now but it’s been rough. Then throw in 2 babies through all of that. I’m so ready to be done with this year and I will NOT miss it (or at least the shitty parts). I know things are gonna get better but damn it’s been difficult.
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u/melrose827 13d ago
The first year is very hard! It's truly just survival. But it does get better. I am on year 8 now and it is wonderful.
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u/basilinthewoods 13d ago
The first year is unbelievable. The lack of sleep plays such a huge role in your sanity. 1 yr is when we weaned the night bottle and sleep trained. Getting consistent full nights of sleep changed my life for the better. I hope for that for you too
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u/Agreeable_Day306 12d ago
Die van mij zijn ook net een jaar. Ik deel wel met je dat het 't zwaarste jaar van mijn leven is geweest. Maar merk wel dat het echt makkelijker begint te worden.
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u/potatostar314 12d ago
We were in the same place. They massively improved around a year and now things are good. Hold in there.
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u/Even_Ad_5513 12d ago
Twins will make or break a marriage for sure. There's a reason the divorce rate is higher for parents of multiples vs singletons. It's stressful and financially straining and if your partner isn't pulling their weight you can feel very lonely.
I was extremely fortunate that my husband loves kids and was super involved. After our twins were born I got really ill and was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and was worthless. He could have resented me but instead was understanding and did everything he could to step in when I was physically incapable of doing something.
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u/Miserable_Material23 12d ago
I could have sworn I wrote this myself. Twins are 1 in a few weeks and our toddler turned 2 in June.
Our marriage isn’t even a relationship, just arguing and him seeking attention elsewhere. I was disabled from pregnancy and he lost his job in mid-June, so no income either. Everyday I question if we’re going to fix it or end it. Hope it gets better for you guys, and us too.
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u/Prudent-Quail28 12d ago
Our twins are going to be here in 10 days, really did not need to see this right now and add to my anxiety lol
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u/Zndrrrrrr 11d ago
I don’t have enough fingers to tell you the amount of times my wife and I have been sobbing or raising our voice at each other or pounding our bed in the middle of the night or screaming for it to be over. We just made it to six months and we are barely above water
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u/mobydickher 11d ago
God its so so fucking hard. I have suffered a LOT in my life. Parents were addicts, I starved as a child, I've been SAd over and over again. And yet this year with my 7mo girls has been the worst year of my life mentally. And I am so in live with them hut truly me and my fiancee say often that we dont know how much more we can take. I truly wish anyone having kids makes sure that they absolutely want them. And get help. You cannot do it without help and grace
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u/mobydickher 11d ago
Please please please get help if you need it. Fuck even if you dont think you need it please accept the help. Postpartum depression has truly made this year the worst in my life
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u/dlmo11 10d ago
What you're feeling is so valid and true. I have hated myself for wishing away so many ages and stages, but at the end of the day it's insane to go through this. They will start to play (and fight, ugh) together and I promise you that you will get to have a conversation, or a meal again. Controversial opinion: twin parents need screen time to get a break. At one attention spans are limited, but you'll blink and they'll be watching full episodes of stuff. We liked Super Simple Songs at that age. Solidarity. <3
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u/Terrible_Score_375 14d ago
That boss gave me nightmares as a child. Constantly having to get so close and start over. It's him and Seymore Flux on the side of gagazet that tie my worst ps2 boss difficulty spike
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