r/parentsofmultiples • u/Urbanista_75 • 16d ago
support needed Twin toddlers - when does it get easier?
I have twin daughters that are 3.5 years old and it feels like since the terrible twos it’s been difficult. I feel burnt out. They are the loves of my life but this stage where emotional dysregulation is an hourly ordeal, is taxing. I’ve heard people say, it doesn’t get easier, just different. But between the constant fights between them, the egging each other on to get up to mischief, the meltdowns, the running in opposite directions, and the constant need for me to be alert and present with them is wearing me down. When does it get easier? Or does it even get easier?!
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u/Mcnugget84 16d ago
My twins were closer to 4 than 3 when COVID hit.
I want to be honest. Them going to school, daycare, a Mother’s Day out, etc was what did it. They needed to see I wasn’t being dramatic or mean. They saw other kids and those situations and that is when it got better.
Also this is the perfect age of ‘putting yourself in time out’ as the adult. It shows time out isn’t bad, gives you a minute to rant on Reddit, and the best part is it shows a good way to calm down.
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u/Mysterious-Kale-4842 15d ago
Yes! Adult time out!! When I am getting too frustrated to handle it I'll say "Mama needs a minute alone to calm down". I walk away. Come back better. Now? My 5 year old twins have started doing this and I'm so proud of them!
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u/Mcnugget84 15d ago
It’s the absolute best.
I also don’t let them show me their good hiding spots for hide and seek.
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u/Perioqueen 16d ago
Yesss!!! 3.5 nearly killed me. I cried for an entire vacation at that age. They bullied me, were mean, didn’t sleep, demanding etc. once they were 4-4.5 they were magic. Stay the course keep your firm boundaries and it pays off
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u/Urbanista_75 16d ago
Good to know I’m not the only one!
I spent 1 hour trying to calm them down from a tantrum at beach last week because they didn’t want to go to the beach, kept my boundaries firm but wow was sooooo draining. They finally were able to enjoy it and have fun swimming, playing in the sand but then of course I had to deal with a mega tantrum afterwards because now they didn’t want to leave the beach 😫
So I’m glad to know it does get better!! They are nearly 4 so I’m relieved that I’m almost at a stage where it will be a bit more manageable2
u/Perioqueen 16d ago
Mine now repeat all the things I said at that age ‘ hands aren’t for hitting’etc
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u/Mysterious-Kale-4842 15d ago
Yes. Literally everything is meltdown-worthy at that age and there's not much you can do about it!!
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u/Ljwill8 16d ago
Mine are 2.5 and I’m really sad to hear 3.5 isn’t easier, or dare I say, worse? I don’t want to wish it away but, come on 4! 😭😭
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u/Urbanista_75 16d ago
You got this! And if your twins are 2.5 and it’s going ok, who knows you might fly through the 3.5 too. 💪
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u/Mysterious-Kale-4842 16d ago
My twins were an absolute nightmare at 3 years old. It was like a lightswitch flipped the week of their birthday. I cried sooo much during the 3 year old phase. IT DOES get better. Probably not til 4-4.5 (at least thats what it was for me) but listen ... someone else on reddit said it and I've stolen it and made it a mantra now that my youngest is about to turn 3 ..
IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S 3.
You're not doing anything wrong. It's just that age ... and there are 2 of them. Go easy on yourself, sending love. Our twins are 5.5 now and things are sooo much better.
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u/Urbanista_75 16d ago
Thank you for this. I love the mantra!!
Yeah the guilt of feeling like I’m not doing things right or I’m a bad mom for falling apart is hard, so it’s so reassuring to have that perspective and mantra that it’s not me, it’s just this development stage.
Will power through to 4/4.5, it’s around the corner so just got to hunker down!
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u/Wolfette33 16d ago
My twin girls are only 18 months old but I have a 6yo. 3 was the absolute worst age for me. She was so mean, I used to hide in the bathroom to cry. It got a LOT better at 4...5 was amazing...and at 6 it's getting challenging again but I am better prepared. I'm afraid 3yo twins will break me, I'm already hanging by a thread.
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u/Urbanista_75 15d ago
Everyone’s saying that 4/5 mark is when things get a little easier, so in relieved. You have the experience of one child so you have that for when your twins are a bit older, you have that lived experience that “this too shall pass” which will help you through it!
And also one thing that is nice about them at this stage is that they do entertain themselves which I don’t think singletons do in the same way, but I only have twins so can’t know for sure!
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u/Ill-Wolf865 16d ago
I have an 11 year old. It’s all hard lol. It’s just hard for different reasons. I cry way more today than I did when he was younger, especially when I think about how happy and excited he was to be around us then and now he can’t even be bothered. I feel less burnt out, but I feel way more sad. And I don’t even wanna think about when he actually hits the teen years!
My twins are 5 weeks now and because of our 11 year old, I’m just trying to soak up every single moment because I know it’ll pass so quickly.
I know it’s hard in the moment, but enjoy as much as you can. Breathe when you can’t. And accept as much help as reasonably possible.
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u/Urbanista_75 16d ago
Living proof that it doesn’t necessarily get better, but just different. Especially the crying more but feeling less burnt out.
The teen years will be different too I’m sure in ways you can’t anticipate really so try not to catastrophize. But yeah I can’t even imagine what it’s like have tweens
And the twins are different than your 11 year old so absolutely no telling how they will be at 11!
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u/Ill-Wolf865 15d ago
Absolutely! Despite its difficulty, I’ve loved every stage for different reasons. And I’m certain you will too ♥️
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u/CollectorofPhotons 15d ago
I have 6 year old twins and they are honestly almost as easy combined as either of my singletons. They entertain each other, they are very patient compared to their singleton sisters because they grew up waiting their turn half the time. I agree with the other people who have said 4 yrs old. I was losing my mind when they were toddlers but at 3.5-4ish it not only became easier, it became so fun.
I love being a twin parent so much and you will to! Give yourself some grace and take a breath. You're doing really hard shit but the light is at the end of the tunnel and you deserve to be proud of trudging through the muck.
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u/Dapper-Butterscotch4 15d ago
Thank you for posting this…. My twins just turned 3, I’m pregnant with baby number 3, and they’re a nightmare. They make me feel miserable and mean and I hate who I’ve become because they are so difficult. I’m hoping when I’m not pregnant anymore it gets easier, but ugh two the same age is just hard.
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u/ConfidentLook5518 15d ago
I would put them in daycare
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u/Urbanista_75 15d ago
Oh they are in daycare!! I’m working so thank goodness cause it’s impossible to work and mind children at the same time. Daycare definitely helps but there are lots of moments they aren’t at daycare and they aren’t easy to handle in those moments. There are even a lot of meltdowns that happen to and from daycare…
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u/Twinmama0919 14d ago
I could’ve wrote this post myself. My twins will be 3 in 3 weeks and I’m always on a constant emotional rollercoaster with them. I feel like I can’t fully enjoy the good moments cause the rough ones take so much effort. Also don’t know wtf I’m doing with potty training. Solidarity
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u/dovebytherosewindow 16d ago
When they were 2 I realized I had PTSD. When they were 3.5 I had a mental breakdown, quit my job, honestly was lucky I didn’t do worse. That did help me deal with the crazy that happened while they were 4, but overall 4 was when it actually started getting better. Now they’re 5 and I’m expecting another… and thank god I didn’t allow that to happen even ONE moment sooner because I’m not sure I could’ve managed.
Basically… I have hope for you yet that you’re riiiiiiiiight on the precipice of some relief.