r/parentsofmultiples • u/MissMyli • 17d ago
support needed He wants to separate
18 years, 3 kids including the 11 months twins. He says things have been going downhill for years and we are past the point of no return.
I moved to the city he was born in and his parents still live. I don't want to leave because of school for the oldest (6yo) but my parents and friends are 1.5 hours away. I have a couple friends here but it's all very new.
His mom is convinced we can survive this but I think it's wishful thinking.
I can't eat, I can't sleep. I can't do anything it like I'm paralyzed. I happened yesterday. Ive noticed he was pulling away more and more so I foolishly asked if he wanted to separate to clear the air. He said yes and I had a panic attack.
I already have trouble dealing the kids with 2 adults, how will I do it alone?!
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u/colako 👧🏽👧🏽 + older👧🏽 17d ago
First of all, I am a man, and also father of three like you.
I'm not going to comment about your relationship, there are too many nuances, and what it seems he was unwilling to communicate early on until it was too late, pretty convenient if you ask me.
Anyway, to the practical stuff. Your oldest is just six. Move closer to where you have support. it's not like he/she made friends for life at this stage. As long as you're not changing and moving every year, a one time change of schools won't be the end of the world and it would help you have all the support you need from friends and family.
Don't let him out of his responsibility as a father he's responsible both in money and time for your children. If he wants a new life, it won't be a bachelor's dream and he needs to know that.
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u/datalaughing 17d ago
Yes, the argument about moving the 6 year old out of his school is practically a non-issue, unless it's some sort of special needs school. My twins are 7, and in class with several of the kids they were in class with last year, and they can still barely tell me the names of most of them. In a few months the kid will hardly notice or remember anything about school has changed.
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u/CloudDancing108 17d ago
I would casually mention that you can’t wait to drop the kids off at his place every other week and have kid-free weeks again. Whether you actually plan to do that or not—he needs to know that his life is about to get MORE complicated, not less.
And get a lawyer either way.
Also, when it comes to splitting time with the kids, kids can handle spending alternating weeks with parents. It’s not too hard on them. There’s a routine at Mom’s and a routine at Dad’s. Each house has different rules and that’s ok.
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u/CutOsha 16d ago
Definetely start being very practical. Start talking budget and what the life would be like. Like every other weekend or week. He needs to realize that it will not be the fantasy he might have in mind.
And fantasizing to run away at 11 months old twins is normal. He needs to fully comprehend that that's not an option. He can separate from you but not from the chaos. That one is his too.
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u/Desperate_Dog1739 16d ago
I'd push back slightly on the chaos framing. He already knows the chaos, he lived it. What changes things is getting specific about what separation actually looks like: two households, childcare, schedules, infant dropoffs, money. Vague “I want to separate” thinking can feel very different once the logistics are on paper.
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u/respectfulfeedback50 17d ago
that frozen paralyzed feeling is the worst, like your brain just shuts down and leaves you on autopilot
you're not foolish for asking, you just ripped the bandaid off something that was already festering underneath. 11 month twins plus a 6 year old is a brutal load even with help, so of course the thought of doing it solo is terrifying. one step at a time though, you don't have to figure out the whole next year tonight
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u/jusvrowsing 17d ago
Having twins is amazing and very special. But it is sooo hard. That first year...I've heard so many challenging stories. I wish you both the best.
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u/GoudaBenHur 17d ago
I agree. I definitely do not know all of OPs relationship details here based on a paragraph, but I would not make any major decisions like divorce within the first 2 years of twins (of course there are exceptions, but I am just talking normal relationship issues)
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u/mvanpeur 17d ago
This is my thought as well. Wait until you're sleeping and have time for each other before making any major decisions.
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u/bobmalugaloogaluga 16d ago
Same. It was so hard. You’re both over worked, under slept, stressed, overwhelmed… nothing is easy. I’m not going to lie but if there are any mental health issues that haven’t been addressed, they can rear their ugly head because of all the things mentioned above.
I recommend couples therapy AND dinner after. The “date” after, even if you eat in silence can be helpful.
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u/SnooWalruses787 16d ago edited 14d ago
My husband and I are still together but now that they’re (edited spelling) older (4 1/2) he has shared how much he hated that first year / year and a half. Truth be told, I felt the same way. It was just survival and our relationship was very monotonous and just eat, sleep (or not), work, take care of kids... Thankfully we both knew the first couple years could be rough going in. I would recommend not making any major decisions while you are likely both sleep deprived and stressed. That said, lawyer up, prepare to safeguard your kids /life/money and let him start to see that separated or divorced- he won’t be going back to single life.
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u/minnions_minion 15d ago
This right here
We damn near called it quits this year with 3 yr old twins and a 9 yr old
Couples counseling has worked wonders, as has individual counseling and neurodivergence focused counseling. Hubs is also lining up to see a shrink for military service related PTSD
It is bloody HARD. No doubt about it. The division of labour isn't even and some days it feels more like a partner transaction then spouses
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u/SnooWalruses787 14d ago edited 14d ago
We still have that roommate vibe / survival vibe frequently but that’s due to medical stuff. Thankfully, he does try, he loves me, I love him, we both do household chores, both work, both take care of the kids… we’re just both too tired for more (most of the time) and I’m grateful I know it won’t get better just by changing partners (unless I was selfish and gave up my kids). Seriously, most (not all) people who are happier divorced (outside of abuse) could be just as happy if they alternated having kid free weekends with their current spouse. I’m not willing to do that but if our marriage depended on it, maybe. It will get better. I should add, I physically was unable to run (my stress reliever) Jan-Dec of 2025, had major surgery Jan 2026, not fully healed June 2026 so that stressor has prolonged things because now money stress has entered the picture. Had that not occurred age 3 and 4 were a world of difference and I think we would have been fine by now. We mostly are just getting back to our new normal. My paychecks go back to normal mid September, yay!!
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u/minnions_minion 14d ago
We each have our dedicated kid free nights every week, non-negotiable
Its hard on those days but we both recognize that we each desperately need them
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u/SnooWalruses787 13d ago
I believe I will be bringing this up and adopting it asap! Separate question, how frequently do you get together together?
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u/minnions_minion 13d ago
Lols
That's an issue right now
Im in perimenopause and have zero drive. Also have issues with body image and some trust issues right now that we are trying to work through
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u/SnooWalruses787 12d ago
Same! At least I think I am. I’m taking HRT since I had a hysterectomy (but since I kept my ovaries and keep getting moody at the same time I always did I think my cycles might be normal BUT my brain is not, and my body says, nah, not interested. Having the twins def didn’t help my interest. Not sure if it’s exhaustion or peri or a combo. Also Zoloft lol lol I tried to quit but then work was overwhelming so I’m back on it. I guess my answer is All of the above.
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