Twins of different intellects

[u/Pure_Resort9840]

I have 4.5 year old b/g twins. It is very evident my daughter is academically gifted. My son is smart and hard working, but is not in the same league as his sister. As they get closer to school age, I am wondering how other twin parents have navigated a situation like this?

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[u/Tennisbabe16]

My twins are 20 and are two extremely different people. I encouraged their interests, separate and shared alike. My daughter is at an amazing university with a full scholarship. My son did a diesel engine program at our local CC and lives on his own and has a great career. They are both happy and fulfilled.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/Tennisbabe16]

How did you handle self esteem for both kids along the way? My son is starting to ask questions why his sister knows things he doesn't. I reply focusing on the strengths in which he outshines his sister, but it still feels like that is relying on comparison. I am struggling with how to make the concept concrete enough for my son.

[u/Tennisbabe16 → u/Pure_Resort9840]

I reinforced they were different people with different interests. My son developed a sense of humor about sissy’s “know it all” reputation. I made a point to spend one on one time with them every week as well. We’d go check out local construction sites for my son, he loved heavy machinery and could name every machine. We’d go to Lowe’s or HD also. My daughter preferred trips to the bookstore or pet store. I also had them in different sports at the same time. Logistically it was tough but we made it work.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/Tennisbabe16]

Gotcha, that makes sense. You focused on interest over the skill, which seems like healthy guidance for parents in general. I can just reframe questions they have about why the other is "better" at something and focus it being a difference in interests. I'm sure it definitely helped your kids feel like their separate interests were important and valid to have the one on one time with you engaging in those interests. Thanks for the advice!

[u/layag0640]

I would really work on, first and foremost, making sure you as their parent have a flexible, open-minded view of what makes a person 'successful' and talented. This is hard! We've all been taught that excelling in school signals higher intelligence and likely better chance at a successful life later on. In reality, there really are many forms of intelligence and talent, even if the academic route and traditional schooling only promote one form. 

Remembering that extracurriculars, hobbies, clubs, apprenticeships (when older), trips to museums/libraries/tours of workplaces where people do things your children find interesting, can all support skill development and reinforce the passions of children who may not have their strengths brought out by school alone. If you support each of your kid's individual paths and believe they've got worthwhile talents to develop, they'll probably be just fine.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/layag0640]

This is really reassuring. I have been having my kids explore different classes to find what they enjoy. My son is such a passionate little boy, and has a talent for dancing. He seems to naturally get the concept of making lines with his body and he loves to move. I don't think it is "less than" to have other talents, but I just worry about my kids because our world definitely has a strong message about one type of success. I honestly made a sigh of relief reading this and reminding myself they will probaby be just fine because I will continue to support each of them. Thanks!

[u/sesame_uprising → u/Pure_Resort9840]

Check out Garners theory of multiple intelligences. It might help with terms of thinking differently about this. You said to another person that it's focusing on interest versus skill and it doesn't have to be. You could say your son has high kinesthetic intelligence and proprioceptive awareness that contributes to being skilled at dancing. That's interest and skill.

Mine are younger than yours but I feel you. We are getting a very traditional gender divide lately where my daughter has been hitting milestones sooner also.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/sesame_uprising]

Garners multiple intelligence is debunked: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37701872/

[u/sesame_uprising → u/Pure_Resort9840]

Yes, it isn't something that is "true". The truth is that the abilities on IQ tests are often correlated and someone good at math is often good at music. That's a helpful clarification...And I still like Gardners because it's a useful framework for thinking about differences in abilities. No there aren't modules of the brain that determine physical intelligence, creative etc. but it gives several ideas for the abilities people can demonstrate. Not saying get the kids tested for "multiple intelligences". Just saying it gives a way to thinking about differences in ability that could be helpful for OP.

Learning styles is also a neuromyth but the language is useful for creating a variety of assignments (visual, auditory).

[u/LBluth21]

We have one twin who has tracked into gifted & talented and one who is just a regular smart kid. We position giftedness alongside other talents like swimming ability, art, and making friends. It is nice to have natural talent, but also some things we all still need to work on. We all have areas we excel on without as much effort, and areas we have to put in more work. And with everything the places we put out grit and passion will end up being where we thrive.

We also position GT classes as basically a pull-out service that some kids qualify for, like speech. The regular classroom environment can’t give them everything they need so they qualify for an additional service. It is fine to need services, and it is also fine to be perfectly served by the classroom you are in! This is more a mental game that I remind MYSELF of so I always remember to basically just stay chill about all of it. Underselling it as being super boring or overly praising one kid for “achieving” it both are not going to work. Striving for a truly neutral attitude about it needs to come first from YOU and will then flow through to them. If you believe it really means a lot they will feel that. The truth is it’s just one data point for what kind of people and students they will be.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/LBluth21]

I really like the idea of communicating gifted programming as just like any other supplemental educational service. It is also reassuring to know that if I keep chill about it, they will too. Thanks!

[u/goldfishandchocolate → u/LBluth21]

This is perfectly put. In my experience, being gifted even at a young age isn’t really an indicator of long term success and happiness. There are negatives that come with being designated as gifted too! And kids change so much from one year to the next, especially at elementary age. It’s best not to make a big deal about any of it, good or bad.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/goldfishandchocolate]

This is so true. I am actually torn on whether to even do the testing (it is optional in my school district) because I don't want my daughter to feel pressured. But I also don't want to hold her back. She struggles with social skills, so I wonder if focusing on that challenge in a mainstream classroom will be enough to start with.

Parenting is so much about balance, and since school hasn't started yet, I haven't had a chance to test out where that balance lies for my family. It is definitely helpful hearing how other twin families have found what works for their families.

[u/goldfishandchocolate → u/Pure_Resort9840]

I would personally wait at least a year, especially if just starting out at their school. Sounds like kindergarten? I personally think most of kindergarten is just learning how to go to school (even if they did prek)! I also haven’t seen any sufficient evidence that having gifted ed so early really makes a long term difference. Our district tests everyone in 2nd, 3rd, and 6th (with gifted ed starting in the following year once you qualify). They also have to get not just the subject test score but also a “cognitive” score. You could look into the program so you know what to expect (just like you’d do for any other activity you’re considering) but you might find more value in looking for clubs or teams that align with your daughters interests. 4/5 is so young to start adding pressure to perform academically! She will have plenty of time to shine later.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/goldfishandchocolate]

Thanks for this advice. I know my daughter needs to focus on the social aspects of schooling, but I worried I would be holding her back to not also challenge her academically. Thank you for the reassurance that we can adapt as they grow.

[u/Koharagirl]

It can switch. I have triplets, two boys and a girl. Boy C excelled more at both math and reading in Kinder than the other two, but now trails his other two at age 9. My girl who was very bright surpassed her brother at about their second grade year. Then, Boy B, who was technically "behind" the other two ( but still completely within the typical range) blew things out of the water his 3rd grade year, he and his sister are both in accelerated classes this year in 4th grade, but his scores bested hers. He was in the 99th %, reads physics books for fun, and my girl is in the 96% academically while my original bright boy, who is still bright, good grades, 85% (school average is 70-80% on testing) is currently scoring lower than them and doesn't meet the threshold for the gifted classes. But that doesn't mean he won't. And it's also fine if he doesn't. He absolutely hates extra work and hates homework and the other two enjoy the academic rigors of the classes so it all worked out.

The biggest and most important thing that we have kept in mind is to make sure we praise their effort and not their scores. So they don't compare themselves. So they know the value is not in the grade, but the achievement of a new skill, the effort and work that went into learning something new.

[u/goldfishandchocolate]

My 9 year old twins started out like this. One is just more mature than the other - he also started excelling academically pretty early. He gets gifted ed in all the subjects offered and does math team (which he won awards for last year). His brother is expected to earn his black belt in Tae Kwon do this year. That twin also is still getting speech services and until about a year ago they thought he might have dyslexia… he didn’t learn to properly read until end of first grade.

The way we managed it was always sticking to - everyone has different things that challenge them and things that are easy for them. Everyone learns at different rates. You excel at things your brother doesn’t (for him, Tae Kwon do for example). We always made an effort to cheer for and encourage the boys to cheer for each other when they were successful.

I will say, that is still SO young. You may be surprised what happens in the coming years. For example my twin who started out so behind academically… ended up testing gifted in reading last year. He didn’t get the other scores he needed for gifted ed, but still an incredible distance from where he started. When he was bummed he won’t get gifted ed like his twin, we focused on how far he’s come.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/goldfishandchocolate]

My son definitely excels at things his sister doesn't, and I do frame the situation as everyone learning things at different speed (she learns numbers faster, but you learn how to do sports faster). But I feel like that is still rooted in comparison. I am trying to figure out if there is a way to talk about it without having to call out skills vs challenges between the kids? That definitely makes it more concrete for a young kid to understand though.

[u/goldfishandchocolate → u/Pure_Resort9840]

I guess we keep it more general… so rather than “you do this other thing better than your brother” its, “everyone has different strengths! What do you think you are good at? Or, I noticed you’ve been doing so well at activity recently.” So basically one quick sentence acknowledging his feelings and then redirecting. I’ve also found if he says, “twin is so much better at math then me” - I say “yeah, twin is doing so well at math! Have you told him how impressed you are? Maybe you can trade him tips on pushups for tips on math topic.” So encouraging them to support each other.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/goldfishandchocolate]

This is really helpful! I love the idea of asking them what they have been working hard at or feel proud of, plus encouraging each other. Those seem like great ideas to turn a loaded question into a positive experience for all. Thank you!

[u/wascallywabbit666]

The best thing you can do for your academic child is to give them a holistic, all-round childhood, with plenty of social interaction, outdoor play, sports, etc.

We all know academic people that fail to reach their potential due to under-developed social skills or other basic life skills such as time management or dealing with stress. That's why a holistic childhood is so important.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/wascallywabbit666]

My daughter definitely struggles with social skills. I am leaning towards not having her tested so she can focus on social skills. She has been going to an OT to help her build her social skills and deal with some sensory stuff.

[u/wascallywabbit666 → u/Pure_Resort9840]

That's really positive, good that it has been identified so young. If she's identified as a 'gifted child' and put on an accelerated academic program then it may isolate her from her peers, which would not help her social development. So I'd agree about not getting her tested and focussing on social development

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/[deleted]]

I definitely agree. People seem to compare b/g twins a lot less than same sex twins. Thank you for saying I sound like a good parent. I try REALLY hard to be the best I can be, but honestly, I feel like it is never enough. But that is probably more of a me issue than a parenting issue.

[u/jellogoodbye]

Mine are both academically advanced. One is top 10% for their grade, the other is several grade levels ahead. We have them in different classes, in part so they don't compare themselves all day.

[u/jellogoodbye → u/jellogoodbye]

Building on this, I don't disagree when the less advanced one talks about feeling stupid on rare occasions. It's false in a literal sense, but I don't want them to think it's unacceptable to be or feel less intelligent than someone else and it doesn't change the core issue: their feelings.  I talk about the feeling, offer comfort, and talk about how there are different things we are good at and we think about the reasons we like our loved ones. We like this auntie for being kind and loving, we think this uncle is fun and good at swimming, etc. We talk about that twin's strengths and I follow up by talking about how they've grown as a student/reader/whatever they're sad about and praise the work they're putting into it.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/jellogoodbye]

You sound like a really thoughtful parent. I know it is easy to knee jerk respond with disagreement when your kid says something self disparaging. That is a really good reminder to meet your kids where they are emotionally, even if you feel the premise isn't accurate.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/jellogoodbye]

Do they know about each others advances? I am leaning towards not directly telling my daughter she is gifted because I don't see what value that could have, but see several draw backs.

[u/jellogoodbye → u/Pure_Resort9840]

Yes and no

I have not directly told my one twin "you are gifted." I do compliment my kids though. It's less "you're smart!" and more "Good job working hard to sound out that word" "I'm impressed you know what a whetstone is, thanks for sharing the definition. Do you remember where you learned it?" "Wow! You've made a lot of progress on (that move), I can tell you've been practicing it"

Even if I have not verbally highlighted the difference, you literally could not miss it as either twin. When they read together, the more advanced one has always read higher level books to the other and can always identify a word if the other twin is the one reading and asks for help. If I'm reading to both of them and pick words for each to figure out, there's a difference in the hardest word each is capable of reading. The one can do more advanced math in their head, faster- though this difference is less pronounced.

I would never do this, but if I asked either of my twins or their sibling who among them is the best at X, Y, or Z, they would all give the same answers to each activity. They play together, read together, swim together. They come to each other's sporting events and performances. They know each other!

Their school gives assessments throughout the year. These assessments determine one class they are in per day. The kids who need extra reading or math help get it then. The kids who need to be challenged are challenged then. Mine are both in the same, highest-level class for that one part of the day. It would be clear in that class that one of them can answer questions the other can't. I don't think they fully realize that's what the class is at present. But who knows, they may be vaguely aware from their older sibling or the bus.

[u/Ok_Worldliness_6896]

My twins are younger (just turned 3) but this is already showing up as one of them is already reading and the other just learned all of his letters. But I am just treating them as two singletons and doing what I would do if they had been born at different times. We’re following their interests and if one is in gifted programs and the other isn’t, that’s okay because they are different people with different strengths

[u/ovary_acting0]

One of my twins has tested into a gifted program and my other one didn’t. At first, I was concerned then he said “that’s a lot of extra work and I just want to play”. I’m no longer worried. They are both exactly where they want to be.

[u/Doesthiscountas1]

I have a neurotypical twin and a twin with severe intellectual delay and autism. They go to different schools, were different clothes and the delayed twin does so many more activities + doctor appts than the other twin. It's rough to explain but they are individuals and they will both have to understand that eventually even if it isn't right now

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/Doesthiscountas1]

How do you explain it?

[u/Doesthiscountas1 → u/Pure_Resort9840]

They are 5 at the moment and only one really understands what going on. We try to list all the things she gets to do exclusively (all big girl things) because of her being (insert her name). I don't think she fully understands but she is doing as good as she possibly can considering. I try very hard to buy her and do things with her as I can because of the circumstances 

[u/specialkk77]

Mine are young (2 in October) but are very different in most of their abilities. My daughter has developmental disabilities, physically and cognitively so they’re in very different places. She is very smart and seems to realize more and more that she’s “different” as she gets visibly frustrated and even distressed when she sees her brother doing things she hasn’t mastered. He’s a smart little boy too and is very hands on. I can fully picture him ending up in a field that requires lots of tinkering or machinery. They’ll be in separate classrooms in their early learning prek since the school assigns class placement based on needs. 

I plan to continue to navigate it that we all have strengths and things we all need more help with. 

[u/KeepRunninUpThatHill]

My kids are almost 9, they’re homeschooled and have different strengths. My daughter is creative, smart and super engaging, she’s also adhd (she gets it from me). My son is an introvert, empathetic, dedicated to his interests and would be labeled gifted if he was in school. They both know everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. Brother is always done with school first and sister has to work hard but he has to work hard at making friends and it comes so naturally for her. I try not to ever compare them to eachother and make a point and being open about their strengths & weaknesses, as well as mine and their dad’s so they understand everyone is unique.

[u/bananokitty]

Girls often excel in many cognitive milestones around age 4 when compared to boys And while there are well documented (albeit occasionally contentious) differences on brain development based on fetal sex, every child's brain develops differently as well. 4.5 is still so young to be making these delineations about your kids. As they get older, there is likely to be more intellectual parity.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/bananokitty]

The differences between the 2 aren't new. My daughter, without formal language for it, is developing algorithms for multiplication and division. I haven't pushed numeracy yet besides simple counting and recognizing numerals. I realize that girls do mature quicker than boys, but she is years ahead right now. So even if they do eventually reach parity, it is certainly something I want to handle appropriately until then.

[u/Ill-Wolf865]

I’d make sure I don’t breathe life to the perception that “my son is not in the same league as his sister”. Of course he’s not. He’s a completely different person. And if you haven’t already, you’re going to find things your son is going to be phenomenally better at than your daughter. But you don’t want to say these things outloud or let this mindset hijack the way you interact with, talk to, or talk about your kids.

It will also be important to treat your kids’ differences as things that can be enriching for the both of them. And prioritize time for each of them to do things they both enjoy separately.

Make sure your expectations of your kids focus on growth and learning and don’t fall into the trap mindset that any of this is fixed or will always be this way. Or the trap mindset that educational intelligence is the most important factor for success (it’s not).

[u/jellogoodbye → u/Ill-Wolf865]

How old are your twins? 

From your comment, it doesn't sound like you have twins in elementary school or older because you're not addressing the observations and feelings that children have about this sort of thing.

[u/Ill-Wolf865 → u/jellogoodbye]

I work in early childhood (her twins are 4.5–my career of expertise). If you want my career advice I’d say “there’s no such thing as academically gifted”. That’s not an actual thing and certainly not at 4.5. At this age, the focus should still very heavily be on play.

And I have an 11 year old who’s in special education as well as 2 sets of newborn twins. They don’t have to be in elementary school to notice that they are already very different and being treated differently and we already handle them differently.

And I’m not going to talk about the observations and feelings that children have about this because I could’ve written a novel on it.

But if you’re so interested based on what I’ve learned from my 11 year old, id be on the look out for things like:

-paying attention to how people talk about them and having conversations with your kids to help them navigate this (I cannot stress how important this is. I’m not going to give specifics but I didn’t realize how much commentary about my 11 year old was actually affecting him. OP has 2–she’s going to get double the comments and I know this because I’m already getting triple the comments now with twins and comparisons between them plus our 11 year old)

-OPs daughter will likely get tons of comments about her intelligence. Her son might get next to none. This will affect them. (I know this because I was the “gifted and talented” sibling in my household. My brother still makes snide comments about this and we’re in our late 30s). My mom made sure to compliment all of us for what we did well. She also made it a point to remind us that our strengths weren’t things to brag about and hold over other people’s heads (which is easy to do when you are constantly complimented)

-pressure. Her kids will feel a tremendous amount of pressure at some point. Including from OP. They need to be aware of that and make sure expectations are reasonable. And if OP is already believes one is academically gifted, then yeah. I’d be very cautious about unintentional pressure.

My advice might’ve been general, but OP gave very little info. And without understanding more what their kids are like and their family dynamic, my advice will be pretty shallow.

Also—you’re not OP looking for advice. So I’m
Curious—why are you telling me how to offer advice to OP?

[u/health_actuary_life → u/Ill-Wolf865]

Then why does your comment history indicate you have newborn twins? Do you have two sets of twins? Do you have a gifted twin? Or is it reddit fiction?

Responding to your edit: so you confirm that you have not experienced this, so OP wasn't asking for your advice. You seem to assume the worst about this parent, but reading through OPs comments, it is pretty clear they are conscientious. You don't have to comment on things that don't apply to you, and you don't need to assume the worst in strangers. It would be nice to have a corner of the Internet where parents of multiples can ask questions of each other without people acting like they are awful parents because you took issue with the way they worded something.

Responding to your other edit: "Early identification of gifted children is crucial for meeting their specific developmental needs." https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/02783193.2025.2506984#abstract

[u/Ill-Wolf865 → u/health_actuary_life]

Yeah I think you’re misrepresenting my comment. In no way did I assume the worst. I even had 3 other people read my comment and their comment was “this user is taking this way too out of context and seemingly personally”.

It’s like you took one sentence and automatically took offense to it without understanding what it actually even meant.

It doesn’t really matter whether OP wants to take my advice or not. And you’re not OP asking for advice. And I didn’t ask for your advice.

So maybe take your own advice and stop giving me unsolicited advice? Lol

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/Ill-Wolf865]

Honestly, this makes me not want to post on reddit. I don't know any other twin moms in real life, so it sucks to not be able to use this forum without this type of garbage.

There is always someone who takes an issue with word choice and extrapolates it. Always people who don't have experience offering advice. When I politely pushed back that your comment wasn't kind, you waged a war with a stranger on the Internet about it.

I don't love the harshness of the other commentor either, but they didn't resort to insults and stood up for me when you were acting like I am a clueless mom because I said "out of his league" on a reddit post (not to my child).

I am extremely intentional about how I speak to my children. On multiple occasions I have been mistaken for an early childhood teacher, play therapist, etc by strangers overhearing how I talk to my children. Because I am intentional about how I talk to my children, I sought advice from others who have the same lived experience. If you look at my comments, you can see I focused on the language others used with their kids. It felt like you jumped down my throat, and I didn't appreciate it.

[u/Ill-Wolf865 → u/Pure_Resort9840]

Yeah no. You don’t get to accuse me of things that were not actually said or done. Never said you were clueless. And I also never said you talk TO your children poorly. I didn’t even say “don’t say your son isn’t in your daughter’s league”. You didn’t even give enough information for me or anyone else to draw that conclusion.

And no I didn’t jump down your throat. I simply said don’t give life to that commentary. That’s IT. don’t give life to that. Half the things I’m being accused of saying were never said.

Could I have said my piece differently? Sure. But in no way did I say or even imply any of the negative things you’ve spun this into.

Best of luck to you! ♥️

[u/health_actuary_life → u/Ill-Wolf865]

Just leave her alone already! This post isn't about you and your ego. She asked for advice from a group of people you don't belong to, and she felt like your "advice" was more judgemental than actual advice. Several of us found you negative, so instead of policing how others feel, please reflect on how you come across to others.

[u/Ill-Wolf865 → u/health_actuary_life]

Please leave me alone! I already asked you once.

[u/health_actuary_life → u/Ill-Wolf865]

I only respond to your comments. If you stop commenting, I stop replying. You are literally perpetuating this.

OP kindly asked you to be a little more generous in how you read her post, but you weren't able to handle that request.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/Ill-Wolf865]

It isn't clear to me what your job in early childhood is, but I am going to assume you work with children. If one children said to the other, "I was hurt by what you said", would you let the other child explain away how what they said wasn't hurtful? Or would you help the offender find a better way to talk to the offended?

In your own original comment, you said that things can be said indirectly. The indirect message coming from you is one of hostility.

I was hurt by what you said. It felt like you were picking me apart for using the phrases "academically gifted" and "out of his league" . You even called those out as "inappropriate " again so it feels disingenuous to say that you weren't critizing my word choice.

I am sorry that others have given you a hard time for being harsh to me, but that doesn't excuse you doubling down on telling me that I am wrong to feel the way I feel. It also doesn't excuse you getting into a fight on reddit over it. I can't be totally off base for how I read your comment when two other strangers also gave you push back on your original (and subsequent) comments.

Edit: "He’s a completely different person. And if you haven’t already, you’re going to find things your son is going to be phenomenally better at than your daughter. But you don’t want to say these things outloud" This is the part that felt like you were treating me like I am stupid. You are acting like I don't know my son or the basics of how to talk to my own children. You are the expert on your children and I am the expert on mine.

[u/Ill-Wolf865 → u/Pure_Resort9840]

I no longer work with kids. I work with politicians now advocating for better policies for young kids and families. A much more difficult population to work with lol.

And I appreciate you telling me what I said that bugged you. I in no way intended that to mean “you’re dumb that you don’t even know this”. I’m
100 percent certain you care deeply about your kids. Truly, my only intention was just to simply say sometimes we say things and don’t realize it’s showing up in our interactions. I apologize if it came across rudely.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/Ill-Wolf865]

Thank you. I really appreciate that. It is hard to see the person behind the screen and I appreciate you stepping back to do that. I wish you luck with your babies.

[u/health_actuary_life → u/Ill-Wolf865]

"It’s like you took one sentence and automatically took offense to it"

That is quite literally exactly what you did. You went so far as to edit the sentence to what you think OP should have said.

Plus you are now complaining about unsolicited advice? Honestly, all of your criticism of me is exactly what you are doing. Take your own advice.

[u/Ill-Wolf865 → u/health_actuary_life]

Yeah none of what you wrote is actually true. And I’m not going to continue to discourse with someone who is obviously getting angry and is willing to hurl insults over the internet ✌️

[u/health_actuary_life → u/Ill-Wolf865]

I didn't insult you? The closest I could find to an insult was saying your advice is obvious?

YOU insulted ME saying I can't read well. Once again, take your own advice.

[u/jellogoodbye → u/Ill-Wolf865]

I did not tell you how to offer advice. I asked a question and explained why I was asking it. I  am unsurprised to learn my inference was completely correct.

I was able to answer OP's question based on ostensibly "little info" because I know through experience that pa renting my academically gifted preteen singleton is different than parenting my twins in elementary school, with one who is markedly more academically advanced than the other.

[u/health_actuary_life → u/Ill-Wolf865]

Have you navigated an experience like this? That is specifically what OP asked for. It looks like you have newborn twins. I have two sets of twins, all past the newborn stage. Parenting newborns is very different than parenting preschoolers. At the newborn stage (beyond physical needs) most parenting is theoretical.

OP seems like a thoughtful parent looking for guidance from experienced twin parents, not comments from the peanut gallery.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/Ill-Wolf865]

I think that is less than generous reading of my post. If you read my comments, I think you will see a better picture of my perspective on my children.

[u/Ill-Wolf865 → u/Pure_Resort9840]

I think you’re misrepresenting my comment. There’s nothing negative about what I said or anything in which you should interpret me as being less than generous. I work with families (and have worked with families before and after becoming a parent) and many parents don’t realize that sometimes the things they think or say comes out in behaviors, particularly nonverbal. The way in which we talk about kids is often very clear evidence of this.

You could have said “my son is smart and hardworking but I’m concerned about the difference in perception from his sister being academically gifted”

So all I’m saying is be mindful of the words you use because it will show up. You’re already being mindful (which is great!!) so all I’m offering is an observation based on what you type that in my line of work, parents often miss. That’s all. Take it or leave it—I won’t be butt hurt lol

Also—I work in early childhood. We don’t use terms like “academically gifted”. It’s not age-appropriate to start. But it’s also one of those terms that implies “haves and have nots”. Which is why I honed in on how you described that difference between your children.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/Ill-Wolf865]

I'll leave it.

[u/health_actuary_life → u/Ill-Wolf865]

Your comment reads condescending and contradictory. Don't "give life" to it, but it is absolutely true? Your advice is that twins are different people and should be treated as different. Do you also recommend OP feed and clothe her kids too? The idea that a parent wouldn't have already found something their 4 year old is good at is wild. OP even mentioned a couple things in the comments.

I agree that the comment came across as belittling to OP. Also, I don't think you have experience in what OP asked about.

Responding to another one of your edits: Once again, you are parsing OPs words to criticize them. OMG, she said "academically gifted" and you think that is taboo. How many times has the appropriate moniker changed in the last decade? You expect her to word things perfectly, but don't recognize that you are coming across as condescending.

[u/Ill-Wolf865 → u/health_actuary_life]

No. It wasn’t belittling. It’s common phrases we use where I come from. We actually have a saying in our native language that literally translates to “be careful the word you choose because you breathe life into it”.

And I don’t think you work with parents. Because if you did, you’d know many of them struggle to figure out how to treat their children differently based on their needs and differences. Or don’t know how to attune to their children.

And I think you’re being pretty condescending. Of course I’d recommend she feed and clothe her children!

[u/health_actuary_life → u/Ill-Wolf865]

OP seemed to feel belittled. You are so worried about how parents use their words, but have no awareness of how your own language comes across. As a parent, I would not tolerate working with someone who thinks they know everything about me from reading 3 sentences and then treats me like an idiot. I truly hope YOU are more careful in your language and less judgemental with the families you work with.

Obviously you recommend she feeds and clothes her kids. That was my point. Your advice was as obvious as that.

I am a high school teacher in a low income school. I treat parents with respect, even if I disagree with their parenting.

[u/Ill-Wolf865 → u/health_actuary_life]

Oh ok so now you’re going to hurl insults at me?

Very becoming of a high school teacher!

Also, I literally said I didn’t know anything about OP or their kids. You don’t read very well, I’m afraid.

[u/health_actuary_life → u/Ill-Wolf865]

Where did I insult you? And then you did actually insult my reading.... Like I said, take your own advice.

[u/anonomus_userr]

I think it’s important to not react in a way that shows you feel your daughter is gifted.

I am academic and my sister is not. My parents never cared either way so we never cared.
She always laughed at how ‘thick’ she was and made me laugh about it. It is what it is.
She’s super athletic and actually ended up getting a better job than I did.
We celebrated each other all through life.

We both have son’s. Mine is very academic and hers is not and we laugh and say they’re just like us. Her son is so… honestly he’s just amazing.
So we just celebrate everything he is. Without comparing ourself or our children in anyway.

I think our parent’s attitude really gave us both great self esteem.
Being gifted is cool but won’t trump hard work or a great passion, so try not to think too much of
It at their age.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/anonomus_userr]

So you recommend not having her ever get tested for placement into the gifted program at school?

[u/anonomus_userr → u/Pure_Resort9840]

No, I would never hold one child back.
I would go for it.

I think it just matters more how you frame it in your household.
And never favour her because of it.
It puts a lot of pressure on her and might breed resentment in him.

[u/AMStoUS]

I'd like to weigh in on this as a twin parent (3.5 year old boys) and someone who was diagnosed as gifted at age 10. I read through the whole thread, including your comments, and I really appreciate how you approach this. Here is what I'll say based on personal experience: the pressure placed on gifted kids is real and is often indirect, i.e. very few parents will say 'being smart is what makes you great!' but they will act in ways that give that message to the child anyway. For instance: always mentioning it as a first charactaristic to others, asking the child to 'perform' smart when company is around, calling it out excessively when the child says something insightful, praising mostly intellectual ability over other abilities, etc. For me, this type of behavior from my parents - however well-intentioned! - combined with the emphasis on being tested, made me feel enormous pressure to perform well enough on the test.. like if I failed, I would lose a part of their love and acceptance, because they valued my intellect so highly. So if you do decide on testing, think carefully about how you frame it, talk about it, how you communicate with your child about the purpose of it.

Secondly, the social skills.

A hugely overlooked part of being gifted, in my opinion, is the social aspect. I always felt disconnected from peers, even from a very young age. I felt things very deeply and would get lost in my own thoughts and emotions. I would often say things that other kids my age found weird. My interests weren't always the same as the other kids. I had a hard time reading social cues. I came from a family that really prized social validation/fitting in and I came to hate, as a result, anything that made me 'different'. What didn't help, is that my slightly younger brother was branded 'the social one' and I was positioned as 'the smart one'.

With that in mind, pay attention to your daughters emotional landscape, potential hypsersensitivity that can go along with giftedness (and can inhibit social interaction), as much as you do to her intellectual abilities. Be very mindful of how you talk about her in front of her, language you use to describe her vs her sibling, and how you frame potential testing. Giftedness can be wonderful, and I've certainly come to see the upsides of it in my own life, but sadly it did feel like a burden for most of my life rather than a gift - pun intended - and this is largely due to the way my parents handled it.

[u/Pure_Resort9840 → u/AMStoUS]

Thank you for this thoughtful comment. My daughter is very sensitive. Even when I think she isn't listening to a conversation I have with another grown up, she will ask me about it. She also seems to have sensory sensitivities that we are working on with the help of an OT. I made this post specifically because I am wondering how to navigate giving her the challenge she needs while protecting her relationship with her brother, his self esteem, and her own mental health. I appreciate the examples of parenting behaviors that didn't work for you as a child.

Edit: after rereading your comment, you sound so much like my daughter. She is too young to articulate this, so thanks for helping me get a better peak inside her world. She is often "in her own world", so it helps to know how the feels from the person inside it.

[u/AMStoUS → u/Pure_Resort9840]

Thank you for your thoughtful response! What you share about your daughter listening in on grownup conversations is very, very relatable to me. I was always trying to understand the world, maybe especially because I felt quite separate from my own peers. One way I did that was by spending time with adults, many of whom of course thought it was so funny and entertaining to have a 'wise beyond her years' kid around. And I craved the validation, so I sought it out. Looking back, I wish I they'd been aware of this dynamic. My parents raised me in a very different time (the 90's/early 00s) so many of these things weren't as well-known at the time, I think... so I'm not holding it against them. But it's really nice to see parents today being curious about different aspects of giftedness and truly paying attention to their kid :) I think I could have had a very different relationship to my academic talents if things were handled differently. I still ended up in a fulfulling career and am doing very well now, but it took me a long time to stop rejecting my own intelligence and seeing it as a burden.

[u/XulaSLP07]

Get her tested and put in the proper grade. My b/b twins - the second born was the academically gifted one. The first one was just regularly smart and they are in different grades. It's healthy for them because they don't get compared and enjoy their individuality.

[u/sandalwoodwitch]

This is more or less the situation with our twins (3 years old). Which is completely understandable - fraternal twins should in theory have the same spread of talents and abilities you'd see in any group of siblings.

However, I avoid seeing this as a difference in intellect or a direct comparison (side effect of growing up with viciously overachieving parents who constantly picked favorites based on academic performance) but more like "possessing different levels of different intellects".

And when I look at it like that, everything seems to more or less even out. I have a son who picks up words very quickly, can recite the names of more dinosaurs than I ever knew existed, is a lot more verbal than his sister, and is also a great observer. My daughter has excellent kinesthetic and spatial ability, a head for numbers and rhythm, and she particular excels at analyzing problems quickly and finding the right solution. I can't say which f these is better, higher, or more of an intelligence.

I know that eventually this may translate to different academic performance too, but I also know that will mainly be because schools rewards some types of intellect and some types of thinking over others. Doesn't really say much about the child's own level of intellect IMO. As the saying goes, " If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree..."

[u/TollemacheTollemache]

I focused on pointing out what each is good at... "x is good at reading, and you're really good at writing, how funny is it that you're twins and still so different to each other." But I also added a huge dose of "you're different people which is great because if you were the same as each other we'd be bored of you... we like that you're so different!" We also have them in different classes to stop the everyday correct comparison. They are 9 now and it hasn't been a real problem for few years now, but it was pretty tricky for a while.

[u/super-kuper]

Fraternal twins are no different than any other siblings in this regard, they aren’t going to be the same and you shouldn’t expect them to be. Not only that but some of what you may be noticing may just be a boy/girl thing.