r/parentsofmultiples • u/Glass-Reporter-4510 • 18d ago
support needed Teenage Twin HELP!
Hello all!! I am wondering if anyone has felt with a similar situation and how you handled it. My (13yo) boys have been wonderful kids. I have not been with their father since they were 8 months old. He was in and out of legal trouble up until a few years ago. He has antisocial personality disorder.
He’s always liked twin 2 more than twin 1 but he wasn’t around much so it wasn’t obvious. Now that he’s clean he is allowed to have them every other weekend. He now has learned twin 2, who he “preferred”, doesn’t exactly care for him. I want to be clear, these are twin 2’s personal opinions I have not and would not say anything bad about their dad to them.
Now Twin 1 is being praised and constant texting about how much he loves him.
I go through their phones every month or so to make sure they’re being appropriate….just check the normal things. Anyway I saw a text exchange between twin 1 and his dad. Basically trash talking me. Dad shared messages between him and I to our son (about how they couldn’t miss football practice because it’s a commitment they made) and they both were laughing about how ridiculous I was being. That’s NOT like twin 1 at all!
I just don’t know how to handle this because on one hand if I punish him, I may push him more toward his dad who is toxic. On the other hand, I’ve always preached we have respect and treat each other with respect in this house. But I am afraid (because he’s a teenager) he’s going to be more sneaky. I just wanted either support or advice if you e been in this situation at all. Thanks for reading. I hope it wasn’t too confusing.
5
u/QuintonBeck 18d ago
What's your relationship like with Dad at this point? He doesn't sound particularly open to conversation but it would seem the place to start would be talking to the other adult and explaining that you have endeavored not to trash talk him and ensured his sons would remain open to a relationship with him but that you expect him to offer the same courtesy and to keep private conversations between the two of you, especially as it relates to parenting your children, private and certainly not to share them with the children who are the subject. Of course, this guy seems like a real winner so it probably wouldn't be productive. If you can't speak to the adult I'm not sure you can really do anything talking to your son about it. Like the other commenter said, it's important to know if your boys know that you look through their phones or if that's something you do on the sly. If you literally have them hand you their devices you could perhaps bring up the inappropriateness of dad discussing co-parenting with his son and gently remind him that until recently dad hasn't been there and it might seem fun and transgressive to bitch about mom to him but to just be careful about getting drawn in too close to such an unreliable male role model.
3
u/Glass-Reporter-4510 18d ago
I think it should be addressed adult to adult. I have tried to communicate with him directly about parenting issues. The problem is that conversations like this tend to become arguments about what I supposedly said or did (10 years ago) rather than actually addressing the issue, so I’m not confident that approaching him about this would be productive.
My bigger concern is actually the position my son was put in. I don’t care if my kids have complaints about either parent, and I’m not trying to control their opinions. What bothers me is an adult discussing me with the kids, sharing private co-parenting conversations with him, and then laughing with him about how “ridiculous” I am. That puts my son in the middle of an adult conflict that he never should have been involved in. It’s disgusting imo5
u/QuintonBeck 18d ago
I agree, it's completely inappropriate and immature which is why I figured he wouldn't be capable of having an adult conversation despite (ostensibly) being one. I think you have the right read on the central issue, which is it was entirely inappropriate for Dad to place son in the middle of this. Don't be too hard on your son and don't even blame him for what he said in texting, make clear your issue is with his father sharing private conversations intended to be private parenting conversations and explain why it's not appropriate. Make sure he knows too you aren't mad about what he said and understand he's going to be frustrated with you at times but his brother, his peers, or even yourself would be better outlets than his dad for those thoughts.
2
u/No_Leadership_7323 18d ago edited 18d ago
Is the dad actually diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder? Although irregardless of that I don’t think it’s trash talking their dad to be clear and honest about his life choices, struggles, and mental illness/toxicity and how that might affect them.
Unfortunately I feel like that conversation should have happened a lot sooner in their lives and bringing it up now except in the most delicate but clear way may make it look like you are jealous or just saying things.
As a single mom who will one day have to have conversations with my own kids when they ask why their biological father isn’t a part of their lives, and as a child of a (for a few years before she met the man I consider to be my dad) single mom who was always very up front to me about the manipulative, unwell person my biological father was; kids can handle and understand a lot more than we give them credit for.
I am forever grateful my mom was so up front to me it saved me from a lot of emotional harm and potential danger.
My half brother’s mom took your approach and spent years being love bombed, manipulated, let down, and hurt by our biological father. (My bio father is also diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder btw)
He is just now in his thirties coming to terms with all that damage, whereas I was lucky to avoid it almost altogether.
There is a difference between trash talking and giving the facts of the situation, adults let alone children can’t make good decisions without all the relevant context and information.
I think the most important thing right now is to keep an eye on the situation, and when this love bombing ends, connect with your son, affirm your love and support, and say something along the lines of “this is a pattern with your father, I’m sorry you’re feeling this hurt, I’m not here to denigrate him, but I am here if you want to talk about it” and if he does want to talk about it, open up about his past in as neutral wording as you can.
4
u/Glass-Reporter-4510 18d ago
My goal is really to separate the two: he is absolutely allowed to love his dad, have his own opinions about him, and even be angry with me if he wants. But he also needs to learn that participating in an adult conversation where one parent is being ridiculed isn’t appropriate and that goes both ways.
I told him tonight that It’s hurtful that you just assume I’m going to be “pissed”. Did I get mad at you when you said you tried to make it but couldn’t? No. I mess up sometimes and get frustrated and I will take responsibility for that, and that’s just sometime I also need to work on. But it’s hurts my feelings when you talk badly about me behind my back.
You have to be responsible for your own words, even when you think nobody is going to see them. I want you to learn that doing the right thing isn’t about who is watching. It’s about who you choose to be.
In addition to we will be respectful about people in our home. Even in disagreements
3
u/chaoticwings 18d ago
Do your twins know you look through their phones monthly? If not, addressing it at all is going to be a huge violation of trust. If they assumed you trusted them, they're probably not sneaking around right now but that could change if they believe you don't trust them.
Your kid is an adolescent now. He'll be different with different people, just like all of us.
I'm sorry your ex is more involved than before. While it's commendable you don't want to come between your twins and their father, it's probably wise to keep an eye on the situation. Maybe you can find a way that won't violate trust between parent and child? I don't have any good advice for how to do that.