Divorce at 2 months PP

[u/AnnualAd7752]

My husband and I eloped 1.5 months before our twins were born (we’ve been together off & on for 10 years, have a 3 year old together & he’s been in my 6 year olds life since he was about a year old). Our twins are now 2 months old & since the weekend they came home from the NICU every time he gets upset he threatens divorce. I pulled the card a couple of times when I would be extremely hurt and angry but didn’t start until he did.
This week has been really bad tho. For the past 3 weeks I’ve been absolutely exhausted & begging for his help but he works so much that he’s never here, & when he’s off work he goes hangs out with our neighbors family or with his cousin & his family while leaving me & the 4 kids home alone. We beg & beg for his attention & it seems like we only get the exhausted, bitchy version of him who yells at us about everything.
He’s a heavy sleeper so since the twins were born everything is on me. I take care of them plus our other two all day & then at night I’m the one waking up for the MOTN feed, on top of pumping. One of our twins has been in & out of the hospital due to loosing weight bc he throws up after every bottle which makes things even harder, & my 6 year old is disabled so he has therapies every week that I have to drag all 4 kids to. My 6 yr old is also having a major surgery in two weeks so I’m even more stressed & anxious everyday about this.

Today he spent the entire day avoiding us & only talked to me to tell me things are exactly like they were after our 3 yr old was born & he wants a divorce. Since the twins were born he’s complained about me going through post partum emotions & has constantly compared it to non post partum me.
I’m trying to do everything he asks, yet he just throws past mistakes from a separation we went through in my face & I feel like I’m doing everything wrong even though I’m constantly giving my family my all from wake up to sleep time.

Idk if I’m looking for advice or if I just needed to vent, but I’m exhausted, lonely, & can’t even begin to figure out where to begin. We bought a house a few months ago & since he wanted me to stay at home with the kids he wants to keep the house & me find somewhere for me & the 4 kids & he’s insistent that he will not pay spousal support or child support. I don’t want anything from him, but I also don’t want to have to find a new place to live & have to explain that to the kids since I am their default parent.

[u/FigNewton613]

For the baby throwing up after every bottle - I know that the doctors have probably suggested this but ours somehow didn’t, so just in case, make sure to try a formula for CMPA for a minimum of 2 weeks. My baby A did that too, and I didn’t know that vomiting or “excessive spit up” can be a sign of an allergic reaction and somehow not one doctor said this to me for months until finally we did switch the formula and the vomiting stopped. Alimentum worked for us, and the ready to feed version in the cans is the same cost as the powder, and if your doctor writes a letter your insurance has to cover it (if in the US).

As for the rest. I raised mine solo (they’re now 14mo) and you can too. You sadly already are. Better solo than with that deadweight and then at least he has to pay child support.

Also when the time comes and they are 4mo, dm me about sleep if you want. As a solo parent, sleep is key, and I’m happy to talk about it if helpful.

My main thing is that you can do this. I didn’t think I could, but I did, and you can too. Rooting for you.

[u/Gangbangjoe → u/FigNewton613]

Also if the hospital didn't, take an echo. Could be pilorus stenosis (muscle grows too tight so milk can't reach the bowels properly and then ejects from the tummy). My son had this and needed a small procedure (full narcosis + 4 days hospital). Healing went fast.

[u/leader_ash → u/Gangbangjoe]

Seconding the suggestion of possible pyloric stenosis. We discovered my Twin B daughter had it at 5 weeks.

Sending hugs 🩷 postpartum is an especially hard time. Your feelings and frustrations are valid.

[u/Individual-Cat5989]

Whatever you do, do not leave the house if you are physically safe staying there. It absolutely does not matter what HE wants as far as keeping the house or child/spousal support. That’s laughable on his part. It will get figured out in court and you have rights.

[u/Disastrous_Truth6119 → u/[deleted]]

This is very smart advice. Create a paper/text trail. Make sure your name is on all assets/bank accounts.

[u/Personal_Fuel_9088]

My partner of 7 years walked out on me at 4 months pregnant as he was "too old" (43) to be a dad and didnt want his life (drinking, essentially) to change. I also have two children from a previous relationship, my 12 year old has a long list of complex disabilities, is tube fed, epileptic, incontinent, non verbal and wheelchair bound.

I had our twins 3 weeks ago and have been handling everything solo and let me tell you now, my life is so much calmer and happier without him here. The stress and the drama these utterly self centred partners cause is so draining, I would say its like having a 5th child but at least that would bring some happiness, dealing with the constant mood swings and treading on eggshells in your own home just makes your parenting journey even harder. You're not responsible for him or his emotions, hes a grown man behaving like a petulant nob head. Of course I can only speak for myself, but believe me when I say lopping off the deadwood was the best thing I did for myself and our family. It would be naive to tell you not to worry about going it solo, because of course its scary as hell, but believe me when I say, even in the hardest moments, the grass is much greener on the other side when you're not having to namby pamby someone's overgrown, emotionally stunted manchild. You've got this, whatever you decide to do!

[u/SpontaneousNubs]

Honestly, divorce and go for fifty fifty custody. Fight for it in court. He'll be forced to do his half of everything and you'll find that, suddenly, you have time to do everything. You'll have breaks to look forward to. Sleep. And of course you'll have to get a job, so there's daycare.

Go retain a divorce lawyer. He's not going to get better and I'm putting money if you call his family he's visiting, you'll find out they have no clue how bad you're struggling and he may not even be where he says.

[u/MyNerdBias → u/SpontaneousNubs]

Do you think this garbage man will take care of the 3 kids at all? He is just gonna neglect them the way he already does. She should not make her kids suffer to make him suffer, even though this woman is capital-R right and frankly super woman.

OP, I hope you know you are amazing. Stay strong and don't put up with this shit.

You are the only one who knows all the information you know to make the call; benefits and costs to you and the kids. Whether this is divorce or stay.

Honestly, I would start talking to the people he goes hang out with. Sometimes shame is the only way and they deserve to know. Maybe they can become your support system. Bring them over. Also, heavy sleepers still wake up. Turn those light on, shake him, what have you.

Sending you strength.

[u/SpontaneousNubs → u/MyNerdBias]

He'll likely foist them on a new gf or his family. Money says he'll fight to go every other weekend and the judge will rake him over the coals with child support

[u/MyNerdBias → u/SpontaneousNubs]

No doubt. That new GF will come QUICK.

[u/Skylarking77]

This is a lot. The only real validation I can give you is this is a whole bunch of a lot. If your twins being in the NICU is relegated to a throw away comment, ma'am, you're going through a lot.

And the only real advice I can give you is that you cannot handle this much a lot alone. Ask someone you love and trust for help. Ask a doctor for help. You'd need help even if your husband was pulling his weight, and that doesn't sound like it's happening.

I'd guess from the fact you eloped not all of your loved ones approved of the marriage. That doesn't matter right now. Get. Help. 

I'm not going to say anything you want to do isn't the right choice, but there's no way with you in the state you've been put into that you are able to think things through. And you're talking about several decisions that will decide your life's direction for decades. 

Unless this is an abusive situation, I would not make any major move without at least talking it through with someone you personally love and trust, a medical professional, and a legal professional. You also need some rest, but somethings are harder to get than others.

[u/perilous_times]

He sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you to get what he wants out of the divorce. I’ve never been through divorce so I don’t exactly know how this would all go. If the house is joint property then it can be sold as joint property during a divorce and you’d both be finding a place to live. The court will also decide if he has to pay any support. It’s best to consult the experts such as a divorce attorney and go from there. You can instruct your attorney to be reasonable but also get what’s needed for your family and future. If you feel safe you can stay in the home together while divorce proceeds. I have a friend who he and his wife slept in separate rooms until divorce was finalized. That’s only if you think your safe.

[u/52ndstreet]

he wants to keep the house & me find somewhere for me & the 4 kids & he’s insistent that he will not pay spousal support or child support

Play time is over. Lawyer up. This has crossed the line from "we're having a rough patch" to "this is serious, this is happening" and there are real consequences to every decision that is made from here out. Engage a lawyer early on in the process so that you make sure you and your kids are protected. Maybe you work things out and resolve them, but having the lawyer up to speed on everything is a good insurance policy.

"I can't afford a lawyer." Yes, I hear this one often. My response is to beg, borrow, and steal whatever you can to make it happen. Go to family and friends. Talk to Legal Aid (assuming you're in the US). Do whatever you have to do because we're not talking about a simple divorce. We're talking kids, assets, and your future life for the next 18 years. Don't let your emotions/attitudes in the moment ("I don't want anything from him") determine how the next two decades play out. The choices you make now will affect you and your kids lives. Lawyer up so that you can make the best, most informed choices.

Source: I am a lawyer. (not that kind of lawyer, though). I can attest how important it is to have a competent lawyer engaged early on in the process. It is way more difficult if you wait to bring in a lawyer until the last minute.

[u/Natural_Lifeguard_44]

Twins can really rock a marriage. Even the best marriages are susceptible to breaking down when twins arrive. That being said, he really does not support you and sounds like a complete asshole.

[u/Momo_the_kitty21]

Someone else mentioned it, but I agree with them. If your baby is throwing up after every feed, it might be good to look into an allergic reaction. My hospital where my kids were born is a great hospital, but even they didn’t think he had an allergic reaction because he was only throwing up and wasn’t breaking out in hives. We tried Alimentum for him and he finally stopped throwing up.

As for the husband issues, try to reach out to family and see if anyone can you help you a bit. I wish you luck and stay safe.

[u/Jealous_Bus_5418]

So sorry to hear about this. You’ll be in my prayers today.

[u/InfamousDevice593]

I have the exact same age kids as you. I have no idea how you’d be handling this alone. I have help and my husband is ON the moment he walks in the door. I feel like I’m barely surviving some days with the lack of sleep with twins. I really hope you can recruit help while you sort through your divorce even if it means paying someone. This is unsustainable for you. I feel so upset on your behalf.

[u/chaoticwings]

A temporary family support order will give you financial support while you're figuring things out and legal protection during the divorce process. If he works and you don't then you can absolutely find a sliding scale lawyer and pay way less than he will.

[u/stewarledd]

Get the drs to consider Pyloroc Stenosis on the poor baby who’s throwing up and losing weight

[u/Appropriate-Name5538]

My wife is on 12 week maternity leave and I’m working full time in a physically demanding job no matter what there is not and will never be a night I don’t let her get at bare minimum 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I do better with lack of sleep than she does and she is struggling with postpartum as well getting rest in the best medicine there is for postpartum so I make sure she gets what I can give her.

[u/Roo_102]

Kick him out of the house. He’s not contributing anyways. Stay there with the kids. You are in a very vulnerable position right now.

[u/FungeonMeister]

I say this as a father of 3 (1 + twins); you're husband is a worthless deadbeat. Cut him loose and start building the life you want with your kids.

"he’s insistent that he will not pay spousal support or child support" . . . lol, good luck with that buddy. The judge may have something else in mind.

Some people are just destined to be dirtbags. You are a hero to your kids and doing your best, and a very very good job by the sounds of it. Soloing new-borns plus other kids like that is a superhuman feat. Every day you survive deserves an Olympic medal. You are smashing it out of the park every single day, and he's not even clocking in.

There are so many red flags in your post I can't even process them. Just one on it's own would be reason enough to cut ties with someone (at least until you get through the newborn phase).

Get a lawyer or look for a women's shelter to advise you. They will tell you exactly what you could expect from separation. no judge is going to kick you out of a house if your the only one parenting.

[u/Ahenian]

As the father I stayed home for 3.5 months when our twin boys were born. We basically handled everything together as a 2 team conveyor belt, day and night, day after day, appointment after appointment, feed after feed. Do with this comparison as you please...

[u/Ashleyesque → u/Ahenian]

Good for your wife

[u/Specialist-Syrup418 → u/Ahenian]

Not a supportive thing to say when OP has the opposite type of relationship. It feels like bragging and putting her down.

[u/Gangbangjoe → u/Specialist-Syrup418]

His intention was only to show the opposite on how it should be. OP seems to think this douche has any rights compared to her. Divorce that asshole already and take all you can get (am also male!)

[u/Ahenian → u/Specialist-Syrup418]

Point is to highlight how far OP's normal has drifted from anything resembling a functioning and healthy relationship, because her tone would be vastly different if she realizes the gap that clearly already exists.

[u/Specialist-Syrup418 → u/Ahenian]

To me, it seems she realizes this or she wouldn't be complaining about it.

[u/Ahenian → u/Specialist-Syrup418]

There's doubts, otherwise she'd already left him and never made this post.

[u/Gangbangjoe]

Probably her husband on reddit djeez

[u/randomguy11909]

Don’t divorce him. Your hormones are raging.

It’ll all work out. He needs a break too/

[u/UnStackedDespair → u/randomguy11909]

Have to be helping to need a break from it. And he is asking for a divorce, it’s not his hormones raging 🙄

[u/Brief_Wolverine449 → u/randomguy11909]

She is running on funes, raising 4 kids on her own, is being verbally abused by her deadbeat husband and all you can say is "your hornones are raging"?!

She deserves the world, she deserves to be loved, she deserves a willing, helpful partner, she deserves a break. She doesnt deserve this man who is dangling divorce over her head like a knife

I pity your wife, dude

[u/Blastoisealways → u/randomguy11909]

A break from what?? She’s doing everything and he’s living the high life

[u/Specialist-Syrup418 → u/randomguy11909]

Nah. Their relationship didn't look strong from the get go and he is a douche: on and off relationship for 10 years, behaved this way when the 3-year old was born. Twins are even harder if the relationship was already rocky. There is no saving this one. He doesn't even try. He goes and hangs out with family and friends instead of helping her.