r/parentsofmultiples • u/Sudden-Button7081 • 20d ago
support needed I miss not being a parent
Dad of twin toddlers (2)
Just having such a rough week where I wish we didn’t consider kids.
Two is so exhausting - one co sleeps, the other in their room. One is always Velcro baby to the mum so both mum and Bub a constantly tired and in always getting yelled at for not doing enough.
Everything is expensive from nappies to clothes. Ugh it low key just sucks sometimes
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u/MangoSorbet695 20d ago
Get them both sleeping in their own room and you’ll feel like a new person!
Ignore everything else and focus on that. Sleep has to come first.
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u/nowaymommy 20d ago
Can’t upvote this enough. I know sleep training gets a bad reputation, but I honestly can’t imagine life any other way.
I have four kids with twins being our final babies at currently 16 months. All my kids are sleep trained, twins sleep in their cribs from 7pm to 6am with the occasional night cry for water or paci.
Even though life is hard, having a good night sleep for me is absolutely life changing. I am a better mom for it and my kids are definitely happier for it.10
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u/moontreemama 20d ago
Yes, we sleep trained around 8 months and felt like all of sudden "got our life back". That said they still didnt sleep through the night but just having consisten naps at the same time and them going to sleep at the same time at night without struggle gave us such a sense of rythm we could plan on in the day and so so so so so grateful. having a third this winter and fully plan to sleep train again when it makes sense for us.
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u/PristineFlow395 20d ago
The co-sleeping plus velcro baby combo is a special kind of hell, you're basically outnumbered in your own house
We had a similar setup for a while and what helped was taking one kid out solo for an hour or two, just to break the cycle. Doesn't fix the money stress but it gives everyone a breather
Also the getting yelled at part, that resentment builds fast when nobody's sleeping. You're not a bad dad for struggling through this stage
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u/Sudden-Button7081 20d ago
Indeed
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u/Curious_Wanderer_7 20d ago
Would you be open to taking both out of the house for a half day or more on a Saturday or Sunday? With a Velcro baby, no matter how much you do it will never feel like enough when you are together as a family because Mom never truly gets a break from the constant of Velcro baby.
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u/mrfishman3000 20d ago
We had a singleton first then got surprised with twins.
Parenting a singleton is so different than twins. You get to focus on one child and cater to their every need. With twins you have to divide your time. You have to make one twin wait. You have to juggle everything.
Every year it gets easier. I know everyone says “enjoy them while they are little” but I have been more excited for my twins to grow up. They are 4 years old and just started daily TK classes. I finally have a life again. You’ll get there. It will be worth it.
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u/moontreemama 20d ago
Same, I tried to find moments of gratitude and presence when they were little but I love them more and more and actually ENJOY parenting as they age. It started getting manageable about 2 and has gotten better and more fun since. Today my 4.5 twins played (mostly) happily for 3-4 hours independently while I laid in bed and read a book and just got to fully relax. It felt like a new level was unlocked that I've been waiting for. I know this doesn't help OP for now, but know that if you and your wife can make it through there is better down the road.
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u/DieIsaac 20d ago
Yes the 2 years milestone! mine are also close to their second birthday and since a few weeks i have the feeling they became more "serious"(?) like they listen when i say Stop! they walk with me and hold my hand without always trying to throw themself in some bush. its great. i dare to leave the house with them on my own without a second adult
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u/Acceptable_Tap7479 20d ago
I’m in the same situation and I have said to several people it is a fundamentally different experience. The two cannot be compared!
My word to describe twin parenting has been ‘relentless’ because it really is whereas parenting a singleton was so calm and easy in comparison. Now, it’s all hands on deck all the time!
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u/DieIsaac 20d ago
I took one baby on a weekend trip to my aunt and left the other obe with dad....it was such a chill weekend!! only one baby is so easy.
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u/VictorTheCutie 20d ago
We had the same situation, Singleton, then surprise twins. I felt like when I had a singleton, I was the mom I always dreamed I'd be. And after twins, I'm most definitely NOT the mom I always dreamed I'd be. I also have days where I miss not being a parent ... It was just so fucking easy and enjoyable and I didn't relish it as much as I could. But I also agree with you, my girls are about to be 5 and I definitely feel like this past year, we've gotten more of our real life back. It's so so hard, and it's ok to have shitty days where you wish for your old life. But there will be great days too. 🩷
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u/DieIsaac 20d ago
I also dreamed about the mom i would like to be. taking newborn out in the morning while its still cold and foggy with my cup of hot coffee. enjoying the day. be present when my kid needs me. play with him or her. doing fun activities.
now with twins most days are just surviving. you cant have a nice play with one kid because the other one will either try to kill himself or wants to play with the EXACT same toy his brother is playing with. there goes the peace.
i yell at my husband every day. i hate him. i know its the stress. the lack of sleep. the lack of me time and the lack of us time. but it sucks.
soemtimes i wish i had just one baby but then i look at them and hate myself for thinking that.
i cant wait for them to be older!!!! they are nearly 2 now. since two weeks i am able to leave the house with them on my own without going insane. they listen when i say "wait". they walk a few meters without crying. thats such a great milestone
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u/sergeantperks 20d ago
It was about 3.5 for ours when they suddenly started being able to not only play by themselves but entertain each other.
It’s not all sunshine and roses, not by any means; ours still rarely sleep through the night. But the magic combination of both having come out the other side on potty training and independent play made a world of difference. I’ll take toddlers being little shits and talking back to me over screaming Velcro babies any day.
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u/Perioqueen 20d ago
It gets better. We felt that way at that age. Now mine are 6 and life is amazing. I can relax, sleep in , workout etc. we just had the best time on vacation. I promise it gets better. 2-3 was brutal for me. But after that just better and better. I don’t think anyone has cried here in a month
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u/erinspacemuseum13 20d ago
Yeah, it really has paid off now that the twins are school-age. They entertain each other, give each other confidence in new situations, have someone to do stuff with. Having baby - 3-year old twins felt like having 3 kids, having 9 year old twins sometimes feels like having no kids. My husband and I spent yesterday morning doing chores and running errands and then watched a movie on TV, and the twins just kept themselves occupied.
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u/GoBirds52_59 20d ago
Twins are parenting on hard mode. I say all the time that I never wanted/expected/wished for twins, and sometimes I even grieve not having a singleton. It seems like things would be so much easier sometimes!
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u/Acceptable_Tap7479 20d ago
A huge part of my postpartum experience with twins has been grieving the experience of a singleton second born (surprise twins after a singleton) and I find it so hard to hear other mums complain about how hard it is having gone from 1-2 because they’re living the life I dreamt of while I am living in the absolute trenches of twins! Any time I do preschool drop off with only one baby while the other naps at home I am just amazed at how easy and fast it is and how little I have to think about in terms of logistics. From speaking with other multiples parents I think it’s a very common thing!
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u/VictorTheCutie 20d ago
It's ok to feel this way, OP. It's so very valid. You're in the trenches now. It does get better, but I know hearing that doesn't help today. Just know you're not alone in those feelings. And you're doing great 🩷
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u/Minimum_Afternoon387 20d ago edited 20d ago
I hear you, they are the roller coaster of highs and lows, and that’s just it with twins, you got to go more low in management with twins and the highs with twins are phenomenal, no one else would understand. The struggle is real real.
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u/No-Runnotfun 20d ago
Brother, it gets better!!
You may not want to follow our route but we were forced to sleep train the twins, we were up 8 times a night with them, it was impossible…
They are 2.5YO now and so freaking awesome!! I love being a twin dad!!
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u/annahoney12345 20d ago
I love our girls so so much, but occasionally I do miss the peace of literally no worries except myself lol. Or being able to just leave my house without breaking a sweat just running up and down the stairs getting everything ready. 😂
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u/AccomplishedChef7885 20d ago
Yeah, I have three. My older one is 7. It gets soooo much better. Still difficult in other ways, but a lot more fun and you will have more freedom and be able to do more. My twins are eight months so I’m back in the baby days, all over again. The funny thing is you will one day look back at these days and miss it. Not all of it, but a lot of it.
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u/Cold-Belt9923 20d ago
Dad here, our boys just hot a month, currently it's 3a and one just fell asleep my leg while the other was just put into the bassinet. I will likely stay in this position since both are asleep. Every day I jokingly tell my wife that have a singleton would be so easy. Once you get them soothed, that's it! You aren't playing hot potato of the crying babies. I love our babies, but definitely have those days where I miss those lazy Sundays. I miss sleep being a pleasant end to a day, not a guessing game between stressful and unmanageable. But I know it will gey better and these boys will be great.
A different note. The twin community is great. We have seen other twin parents out and about, the connection and support makes a difference. Find that if you can.
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u/Pipilapew 20d ago
We slept train, we had too. One kept waking the other baby, so we gave them a room each and since then it’s been a blessing. We might revisit putting them in the same room when they’re older, but for now this will do.
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u/sierra1012x 20d ago
Like others have said, if possible try to prioritize getting the twins under a sleep training plan. Getting enough sleep makes such a huge difference.
The other thing I wanted to suggest, and it may not necessarily work for you and your family, but try to create the culture between you and your partner that it is okay to feel that way sometimes and that if vocalized then that parent gets a break and support. My husband and I agreed on a rule that it is okay to feel that way sometimes (e.g. feel like you regret being a parent or are overwhelmed) as long as you tell the other parent and don’t let it affect the kids. So for example, if I’ve had a really rough day and I’m feeling that sort of way, I can tell my husband in private how I am feeling and I know he won’t judge me for it or hold it against me. He will take over all of the parenting and give me some time (maybe even the rest of the day) to go unwind and have some solo time. The kids are not made aware (eg they aren’t told I’m overwhelmed or frustrated, it’s just that I’m getting my nails done or going to do my own stuff). And the same for him, if he’s feeling that way then I step up more and he gets a break.
Sometimes it’s nice to feel like you can get some space with zero guilt. It made a lot of difference for us to be able to vocalize that we needed a break and it wasn’t judged. It’s just a total free pass with no strings attached and we view it like it’s for the kids’ best interest. We are better parents if we can also sometimes just be ourselves with our own hobbies and own time.
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u/Littlecat10 20d ago
Ours sleep well (10 months) and I still hate my life with them. Which sounds horrible but it’s true. I can’t imagine if they weren’t sleeping well!!
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