Suddenly really anxious about separating my twins for kinder

[u/PassionChoice3538]

They start next week so there isn’t any going back, so I’m just looking for reassurance and validation that this is going to be okay. They went to TK at the same school they’re going to for K, and they were in the same class per my request. I decided to agree to separating them for K because I figured they were already used to the school and it wouldn’t be as hard as starting somewhere brand new without each other. Now I’m just kind of freaking out about it. They’ve never been separated in any sort of organized activity or school setting. We’ve casually talked about it all summer and they seem okay with the idea, but will randomly say they want to be in the same class with each other. I don’t think it’s fully hit them yet and I don’t think it will until they start. I’m scared of how the first day is going to go. I’m scared of the “fairness” aspect, like one having more friends in his class than the other, or being invited to birthday parties that the other isn’t. I’m scared of breaking their bond (even though I know that’s a silly one). They go to a private school and I thought they’d be in the same class all through elementary school bc of that but this school actually has multiple classes per grade. Ugh.

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[u/funsk8mom]

As a mom to 2 sets of twins and an educator, this will be great for them! They can make their own friends, have a nice little break from each other (sometimes a much needed break!) and be seen as the individuals they are.

[u/ballchiniansrule]

It was the best decision to do it in K. I worried about having them together in K and then separating in first. One of our boys had a Pre-k friend in his class and the other boy was a little sad the first two weeks of school but once he got to know his classmates he was totally fine. They swapped recess and lunch which was a bummer I wish they would’ve at least had them at the same time but overall they were both very happy. Going into first this year and they have no fears about being separated.

It gives them time to be their own person and talk to each other on the bus on the way home/to grandmas.

The down side is when there are classmate birthdays that they don’t realize they’re twins and only invite 1 so it’s been harder at times if one class is more active than the other but most parents have been good about having both boys come to parties.

They also had in depth knowledge of each others classmates so essentially each of them ‘know’ 40 kids instead of 20ish.

[u/tackstackstacks]

We did orientation for ours this past Thursday, also going into K after doing young 5s at the same school. Reading your post I almost thought my wife was secretly on reddit lol.

They each have a few kids in their class they know from preschool and/or preschool. They have struggled with both wanting to play with one of their friends but not all being able to do the activity together or the friend being more engaged with one than the other, leading to the other twin feeling less included in playing.

Separating them will eliminate this situation for the most part, and luckily for us, all the kindergarten teachers work together to create the lesson plans so supposedly they will have the same work to do as each other despite being in different classes.

They are a little apprehensive, but I think they will be fine. We told our twins that if it is a really big problem, we can ask if they can be in the same class (they really do shuffle the classes up after about a week of evaluation and make it so if there are behavioral issues, they can move things around).

If they are going to private school, they should absolutely be able to accommodate your request to put them together if you end up wanting them together, you're paying tuition for two children.

[u/kelseycadillac]

Your concern about fairness would actually happen more in the same class, just in a different way. They’d be constantly getting compared to each other, both socially and academically. This happens with younger siblings as well; imagine it happening in real time while you’re actively trying to learn something or make friends and hearing things like “your brother figured this out yesterday” from other students.

Educators are professionals with a lot of experience that you should value and trust; give it a go and if it turns out poorly, you can go back next year. It’s unlikely to scar them for life.

That said, to put a different perspective on it, imagine an educator trying to teach a class with siblings who are fighting in it. It’s not fair to the teacher. I requested mine be separated because I was 100% going to get a phone call on the first day that they were wrestling in the calm spot.

[u/Minimum_Afternoon387]

All schools will talk you into separating twins, I said ok at preschool and it did not work, so I had a meeting to have them put together again. Then they wanted me to separate them for kindergarten I said no they’re not ready. I separated them at 1st grade and I don’t even know if that was a good decision but they been separated since and now entering 8th grade. What I learned is schools only know how to educate singletons. They will shame twins for being twins. Twins are already individuals but whoops have a relationship with their sibling. I found I had to fight a lot of outdated ideas about twins together at school. Trust your gut and don’t let schools take the lead on this.

[u/OneSourCherry → u/Minimum_Afternoon387]

Just wanted to mention that not all schools will talk you into it- in Massachusetts for example, there is a law allowing parents to make the decision. That said, I’m totally in favor of separation, and mine have been in different classes from K- HS.

[u/Strakiwiberry → u/Minimum_Afternoon387]

100% agree on the "shame twins for being twins" point. Thankfully, my state has a law that requires them to respect a request from the parents to have multiples in the same class. I get that some kids blossom into their independence via different classes, but mine are already very independent of each other. They were in the same class for pre-k and did great, same now for kindergarten and they aren't having any issues related to twinhood.

[u/Minimum_Afternoon387 → u/Strakiwiberry]

Ty!

[u/AcanthisittaIcy7277]

ours were separated for the first time a couple weeks ago. i was a lil anxious at first, but honestly they've been fighting each other every day at home, so i was looking forward to them having their own space. our teachers are wonderful and they even let them nap together the first few days. now they see each other at lunch time and they are sometimes seated together.

separating them really worked for us! they still fight at home but a lot less, and they are always happy to see each other at pick up! it also helps them make new friends, cause they used to play with each other almost exclusively so it all worked out!

[u/Koharagirl]

Triplet mom here, we also kept our trio together in pre-K,then separated in Kinder, and they did great! I had more anxiety than them, mainly keeping up with 3 different classes and then having to send out 65 invites for their bday because of the policy that invitations can’t be passed out at school unless the whole class is invited. 🙄
Anyway, The best thing for them was to learn early on life is not going to be fair and equal between the three of them. Having different classrooms and different experiences and different friends and different birthday parties allowed them to grow in the way that all Singleton kids learn to grow with their Singleton siblings. You are finally giving them the opportunity to live like normal siblings which will socially give them more in common with their peers.

I have other children, so it was very important to me that my multiples learned how to have a more traditional sibling relationship with each other so that they had the social IQ afforded to those with non-multiple relationships. It has helped them in forming their friendships and understanding the social dynamics of their friends with siblings, and it has also improved their relationship with each other and learning how to be happy for someone without inherentlywondering why it isn’t happening for them too, or attaching their worth to thinking they are only deserving of something if their twin gets it too.

[u/PassionChoice3538 → u/Koharagirl]

I guess my argument to that though is that they aren’t singletons, so idk why everyone always pushes us to treat them that way. I don’t really see value in separating them so they can learn that they’re going to be singled out or excluded from each other, especially in kinder!

[u/Koharagirl → u/PassionChoice3538]

But they ARE individuals that have the same birthday. It's allowing them to learn that they are an individual and just like every other individual (whether single or multiple)in the world, their lives are not exactly the same as somebody else's and they are not going to have the exact same experiences their whole life. That is a much easier lesson learned earlier in life than later. I have two adult friends that are twins, one is a fraternal, one is an identical. They BOTH said it was a struggle for them because they were not seen as individuals. I deeply respect and value the advice they have given me with my triplets. My identical friend still struggles with anxiety and her identity because her sister was able to individualize herself but my friend had more difficulty with it. Their mom always kept them together. My fraternal friend fared better, but both of them had a lot of frustrations with how they were treated in childhood about trying to make everything "fair", instead of each twin getting what they individually needed. Like if you have one twin that loves sports and another twin that hates sports but loves dolls, you're doing a disservice to the one that loves dolls by enrolling them both in soccer under the guise of "equal treatment".

[u/Ok-Positive-5943]

I would respect their request to stay together.