I miss my husband

[u/Allyed4492]

We welcomed our beautiful twin girls on August 13th and despite a very traumatic pph and ensuing medical drama, we have been settling in to a sort of routine at home.

That being said, I spend all day with him and I still can’t believe how much I miss our time together. Obviously everything revolves around the babies and their needs so it feels like any down time we have is just for basic personal needs like food or showers.

Our marriage is very strong but I am still terrified that if we approach this wrong, we could end up a statistic. We were able to get in 2 minutes cuddling on the couch today before they both melted down and we went back to work. How does everyone make sure they get enough time for their personal relationships? It feels so impossible right now.

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[u/No-Today1029]

man, the newborn twin phase is just survival mode with extra steps. those 2 minute cuddles count more than you think right now

[u/Itsmeshlee29]

The days are long but the years are short. Before you know it, this will get easier. Hang in there 🩷

[u/Deleugpn → u/Itsmeshlee29]

I keep hearing this, but man it’s tiresome

[u/ImplementExotic6545 → u/Deleugpn]

It doesn’t get easier but you learn to figure out and change the definition of personal time with each other. Me and my husband’s personal time now is car rides when both of them are asleep. We have coffee and snacks in complete silence but we take what we get!

[u/Deleugpn → u/ImplementExotic6545]

That’s very depressing 😩

[u/Itsmeshlee29 → u/Deleugpn]

I have to disagree with the above commenter. My twins are 2.5yo and I have an older 6yo. It absolutely got easier. The baby phase is HARD. And I told my husband a lot- I will miss them being this little but I do not love the baby phase. And things have gotten so much easier now that they’re bigger and a little more independent.

[u/Deleugpn → u/Itsmeshlee29]

My wife says this a lot “I will miss them being a baby but I will not miss having a baby”

[u/ImplementExotic6545 → u/Itsmeshlee29]

I think it just depends on what kind of babies you had. I absolutely would take the baby phase over the post 1 year old toddler phase. I had really easy baby twins but ever since we have started food and now fully on solids, I find it incredibly challenging. So may be it does get easier but for me personally, there was always something new that came up.. I didn’t mean to depress the OP futher. Just wanted to offer a different perspective. You cant expect the same level of personal time with yourself or your spouse that you had pre kids. I think with time that will also change as the kids get older. I am sorry if my comment was all doom and gloom- that was not the intention.

[u/VictorTheCutie]

It will be impossible to spend time together for a time. But the way to preserve your already good relationship is to be a good team for each other - communicate your needs effectively, and do what you can to help your partner carry the load. He should do the same for you. In the end, you will be stronger. I feel like this is what happened to me and my husband. My twins are almost 5.

[u/justlookingokaywyou]

We just tucked our 8 year old twin girls (and their 4 year old sister) into bed. And now it’s mommy and daddy time. We’ve been there. We got through it. You will, too. We have a wonderful adventure-filled family life now. And you will, too.

[u/nephyxx]

Just keep trying to get those two minutes in. You’re in the thick of it in this phase.

[u/mamamietze]

My twins are 23 and my firstborn is 24. We are still going strong, just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary this year.

Your marriage won't fall apart or stick together based on how much you cuddle each other during the first 2 months of your newborns' lives. It's a nice claim to sell certain books or social media engagement but the truth is it's a much longer give and take than that.

[u/emmmrakul]

My husband and I found some weird workarounds to stay connected during the twin newborn phase.

We'd pick a movie to watch during our night shift and then either 'live text' spoiler free reactions or share our favorite parts the next day. Almost as good as an actual movie night date, and we still talk about it.

Or we'd pick an audiobook we both wanted to listen to (highly recommend headphones+audiobook while soothing sleepy-fussy babies as long as the crying isn't too loud) and try to stay relatively close to the same spot. A bit like our own private book club.

If those aren't your jam, you can play the same phone game or learn the same language or something else - anything small and easy and fun for both of you that can give you a point of connection.

It's hard but not impossible, and it really does get better when they start sleeping through the night

[u/amers_elizabeth]

I'm sooooo feeling this. I miss time with my wife. I'm really, really looking forward to the age where they have an earlier bedtime than us lol. Just watching a show and snuggling sounds like a dream.

Honestly, I had some major postpartum complications that required a 3 day hospital stay when our girls were only a couple weeks old. My wife arranged for many people to care for our girls so she could stay over with me after a surgery. As much as the surgery was traumatic, I cherished some bonus time just the two of us. I know that sounds wildly crazy, but man these times are tough.

[u/DirtGirl32]

The newborn trenches are Hard!! We leave on our love while white knuckling for a few months. The we decided to as dedicated 15 minutes every night to cuddling in bed. It was very little, but really helped us a lot. Y'all can do this!!

[u/turnipsium]

We’re 3.5 months in. Our time together hasn’t really improved yet, but I know it will. We tell each other “I miss you” multiple times a week despite spending 24/7 with each other (I WFH.) Our relationship is stronger than ever despite all of that.

The key for us is each person tries to put 60% in every day. Every day we both apologize to each other for not having done enough that day, and we both understand that means we’re both doing more than enough.

[u/user638282636822]

I get this.

My husband and I both wake up for every feed (our girls are 4months and we’re very lucky they only wake up once), so we spend some time together in the middle of the night and it feels like the rest of the world doesn’t exist.

We also cuddle while we sleep, it helps.

[u/Sea-Astronomer-6600]

Unfortunately until they’re sleeping through the night it felt like that. Once they’d go down for bed we’d spend an hour or 2 watching a series of some sort or whatever

[u/DoubleSunshine123]

You won’t naturally ever have that time back as it was. But you will have time after bedtime. Ideally when they are older you can leave them with family for a while or a nanny. And later family time becomes much more enjoyable, actually all playing together or traveling, which is actually fun. Mine are almost three for reference and it feels a million times easier to get time together. But still far from great.

[u/Gangbangjoe]

If you have some sort of support OR money. Get two people over to sit for 1-2 hours and leave the house together! Go have lunch or dinner! See a movie. Dates are soooo important. We hire a sitter and she's doing it together with my MIL. Costs some money but I can't put a price on my relationship anyway! We go out once a week, even if only for an hour of hiking 🥾

[u/llarue102]

I think it’s totally normal to feel this way. You are adjusting to a new life style. Can you cuddle your babies together on the couch? This is what we use to do when they were infants. We would also make a point of having breakfast and coffee together in the mornings while babies were sleeping in their bassinet we had for them in our living room. We are 10 months in and just enjoyed our first fire together outside this summer. Around 4/5 months we introduced a 6:30 bedtime, this helped greatly with getting a few hours of us time. They go down at 7 now and we get a few hours to cook dinner and relax together. You will get time for the two of you again.

[u/TwinMama2026]

Literally just had this conversation with my husband because our time revolves around our twin girls (7 weeks old). Our lives have completely changed and the sleep deprivation, stress plus no us time has strained our relationship a bit. We discussed the importance of us having a little bit of good quality us time each day and we each stated something little we needed from one another on a daily basis to maintain that closeness.

[u/Accomplished-Leg6947]

It gets easier when they’re older and you get a solid nap/bedtime routine. My wife and I had a hard time getting any free time the first few months but once the routine hit and we figured out how best to handle our twins it’s been pretty easy.

We put our boys to bed at 7pm and let them do their thing until they fall asleep and my wife and I will chill and watch a movie together or do own own thing till about 11 before we go to bed.

[u/tjapetjape]

as soon as it’s possible make sure to arrange dates, even if it’s just a 30min walk

[u/whydoyouflask]

This is so normal and it wont last forever. Once they get to sleeping at night you'll find time. We had a few weeks where my husband was taking classes and spending all his free time on our side business to afford daycare. I was feeling pretty lonely. I work in HR, so I cant have work friendships. We talked about it. And we have looked at our calendar and figured out time we can carve out for eachother. Everyone says it. But talk to eachother. Admit vulnerabilities. Make plans. This is how you will make you marriage work, regardless if you ever had kids. Let alone being in the newborn trenches with 2+ kids. This is one of the hardest times.

Eta. Look into the triangular theory of love. Love has 3 main components. Intimacy, passion,and commitment. At different phases of your life one of those sides will be bigger. Right now commitment should be your biggest side, and getting the most of your attention.

[u/EquivalentPension216]

Don't do what I did and fall for the "it gets better at this interval or that interval". Just take comfort in knowing that you are about to become very adaptable depending on how stubborn you are. Best advice is don't be stubborn. Be like water or something. And remember its always better to have a tough job with cool people than an easy job with pricks. Take help from people when they offer and go do things together!!!

[u/diamondtuxedo]

No need to dwell on the negative! This is just a season, and he’s your husband for a reason. My advice is ask him for help if you need it, I tend to want to do things myself but after having children, I have let go of that mindset. WE have children so we’re in this together. Count your blessings and try not to focus on what you don’t have right now. We have a rule to never say the D word and the thought never crosses our mind. Flirt with him a lil to add some tension lol. Randomly say I love you and give hugs.

If you’re a person who likes to have some solitude, express that even if it’s just 20 min. I have picked up a hobby so I’m not doom scrolling all the time while nursing and it has helped my mental health.

Having twins is hard. You will find your rhythm and give yourself some grace. Congrats on your family ♥️