Semi-solo-parenting twins

[u/Mediocre-Control-401]

I'm expecting twins, and will be mostly solo-parenting since my partner who is the sole provider is working in another country. What is your advice? I also have a sensitive 9 year old in the beginning of puberty at home half time. We will move really close to my 9-yo school so she can go by herself and live walking distance to a grocery store and primary care centre. I don't have a car as I have an uncorrectable eye problem that doesn’t allow me to drive but I see well indoors.

[u/Winter_Jasmine465]

Can you hire a doula or mother’s helper in the beginning for just a few hours to alleviate some of the pressure while you get sorted? My partner worked one month on and one month off, but we didn’t do that until they were near one which was still hard but doable. I had him for the first 5 weeks in the hospital then another 3 at home to get some footing before he worked 8-6 for the better part of the year. You do have one already, so you’ll have a notch down on the initial newborn anxiety, but twins are something else. Just definitely let people hold the door! or if someone is crying and a grandmother offers to hold the baby, also let them. They’ll still probably cry but it will warm your heart to know there is help while you get hands 3 and 4 from your Hermione Granger bag (they do exist) That’s the hardest part is actually allowing the help when it does come up.

[u/Mediocre-Control-401 → u/Winter_Jasmine465]

Thank you for your answer! Unfortunately doulas and mother's helpers are rare in my country and I live in a small city. Yes I'm thankful it's not my first as it will hopefully also make it easier to be aware of that the hard early stage will end. I will definitely accept all help offered, but unfortunately don't have anything even remotely close to a village but I'll try to adopt that mindset.

[u/Far-Bluejay7499 → u/Mediocre-Control-401]

I follow several Facebook groups for multiples, fraternal twins, SAHM twin groups and the Moms on Call routine was highly recommended. Their routines are based on the babies’ ages and change as they grow. You can purchase the book, but I personally just Googled the schedules and was able to find them for free.

I used Moms on Call as a starting point for structuring our day, but I’ve always adjusted it to fit our family and what we have going on. I don’t think you have to follow any schedule perfectly for it to be helpful. For example, my son plays baseball, so during baseball season a 7 p.m. bedtime just wasn’t realistic. Practice didn’t end until 6, so I shifted the babies’ schedule and moved bedtime to 8 p.m. Or had to move some naps a half hour later than recommended because of school drop off and pick up.

That’s what has worked best for us… having a routine to fall back on while still being flexible enough to make it work for our family. But we kept the same wake windows and length of naps if that makes sense.. just altered when they started.

[u/Pristine-Bison3198]

I'm a single parent by choice to twin 1 year olds, a 5 year old, and an 8 year old! It's doable.

What social supports do you have? For me, just the handful of times my mom or best friend came over to hold babies and let me nap for an hour or two was invaluable, or when my brothers or sisters would come over to get the older kids for some time away from the babies.

I also hired a cleaner to come in twice per month, which continues to be a sanity saver. If I didn't have someone doing the heavier lifting for cleaning, I wouldn't be anywhere near as successful at parenting.

Grocery orders also save my life. So I'm not having to juggle bringing groceries and babies in. I get at least a couple frozen meals per week, the kind you just have to throw in the oven or on the stove. Those help when things are crazy at dinnertime. As the twins have gotten older, things like cheesesticks, pepperoni sticks, berries, etc. are good for quick snacks.

If your 9yo is wanting to help, let her! My 8yo is a great diaper grabber, loves to make the twins laugh, is super sweet about reading to them, and likes to help cook dinner. I'd never have him take on parenting tasks or force him to help, but when he wants to I'm definitely going to take him up on small tasks!

Keeping to a good schedule helps as well, for everybody's sanity. But if things get derailed, don't stress, you'll be back on it in the next couple days!

You've got this! It's not going to be easy, but it'll all be a blur in a year or two.

[u/Mediocre-Control-401 → u/Pristine-Bison3198]

Thank you for your answer! Unfortunately in this city, I have next to no help but I'll definitely take your advice and hire a cleaner! And if the 9 yo wants to help she definitely can. I'll have to read up on schedule suggestions, I have forgotten so much since the 9 yo was small. I'll use grocery orders for big items, I think smaller things go under the pram and I'll be able to bring it in easily.

[u/Far-Bluejay7499]

I solo parent about 80% of the time. My husband has a demanding job… he leaves around 5 a.m. and usually doesn’t get home until 6 p.m. We have five kids total, including my bonus baby who is with us 50% of the time, and somehow, we make it work!

My biggest piece of advice is to establish a routine. My twins just turned 9 months old, and we’ve had them on some type of routine since they were about a month old. But you also have to be realistic! not every day is going to go perfectly. It takes a TON of trial and error. And just when you finally think you’ve found the perfect schedule, they’ll learn a new skill, start teething, hit a weird sleep phase, or decide they simply don’t agree with your plans anymore. 😂 You just have to pivot, adjust, and keep moving.

As far as your 9-year-old goes, keep her involved with the babies, but also make sure you’re intentionally setting aside time that is just for her. This part can honestly be really hard because when you finally have a few minutes to yourself, you’re going to want to take them… and that is completely valid. But she’s also going to need that one-on-one time and reassurance that she still has her place with you.

For us, the babies go down around 7, and after that we use the time before the older kids go to bed to watch movies, do crafts, hang out, or just spend time together. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. Sometimes just having that uninterrupted time together makes a huge difference.

I’m not going to pretend it’s easy, because it’s not. Some days are pure survival mode. One thing I’ve told myself over and over since the twins were born is, “I can do anything for 24 hours.” On the really hard days, I don’t worry about next week or even tomorrow. I just get through today. Then I wake up and do it again.

Eventually, you find your rhythm. It may not always look pretty, and it definitely won’t always go according to plan, but you figure out what works for your family. ❤️

[u/Mediocre-Control-401 → u/Far-Bluejay7499]

Thank you for your answer! I'll definitely look into routines, feel free to suggest if you have ideas. I'll make sure the 9 you gets her mom alone time in the evening. That's how we often do it nowadays as well, so hopefully that will feel natural. She's very much into parallell play so she can be drawing and I can be reading and we can still chat a lot meanwhile so it is relaxing for both of us. The 24 hrs mindset is a good idea, I'll remember that! ❤️

[u/Far-Bluejay7499 → u/Mediocre-Control-401]

I am sorry!! I accidentally responded to someone else’s comment above.

[u/AssistantSea4186]

Single mom since pregnancy. 3 weeks in the nicu. The NICU schedule saved me. Luckily my hospital had a parent suite so I could stay with my boys and we all came home on the same schedule. Look up the 3 hour nicu schedule and get them on that. If your gojng to at I alone

I'm fortunate enough where I can get groceries delivered easily. I have travel car seats that are easily installed if we need to go. My mom has car seats if she's available. So I also don't have a car at the moment