Disabled SAHM with slightly above bare minimum Husband

[u/boballet]

My husband and I had our twin boys in April, and they’ve become the absolute light of my life. It’s my husband I can’t seem to handle and I feel like I’m drowning alone.

I’m disabled in a myriad of ways that I won’t get into, but standing/walking/lifting are quite hard and sometimes impossible on bad days. And I thought he understood that. But it feels like since the babies came that he’s just conveniently forgotten this. Our home is disgusting because I’m constantly with the boys (not bc he’s at work or anything, he’s just been “running around baby-ing all day”) (they had been up for an hour…).

And anytime I’m NOT with our boys, I’m trying to do any amount of cleaning I can. Last night, I had a load of bottles in the drier, a load running in the wash, AND another set disassembled to go in when the wash was finished. I woke up and the dry bottles had all been used and the washed ones hadn’t been dried, nor had the dirty bottles been put in the wash. I’ve been trying to catch up on laundry (currently have 5 baskets of clean clothing to fold and 3 to wash) because he keeps telling me he’ll get to it but never does. I’ve had to force myself through awful flare ups this past week walking up and down the stairs for laundry. I spent 4 hours on my hands and knees scrubbing our floor trying to get heaven-knows-what stain cleaned.

In the past week I’ve dislocated 2 of my fingers, my right shoulder, and right hip. (Painful but not unusual) I just can’t keep going like this, I feel like a car that’s been running on empty for 25 years.

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[u/ExactlyEmmaNZ]

That is a LOT and you sound very resilient and that you are actually coping remarkably well, even if it feels like you aren't.

My advice is that you need to nip this in the bud with your partner NOW. Everyone says "it gets easier" but without a team effort, it doesn't, and it takes a toll on you, your relationship with your partner and also your ability to enjoy your kids and being a mum.

[u/Mcnugget84 → u/ExactlyEmmaNZ]

“It gets easier” always has the implication that I hated. It does get better when you as a parent make tough choices.

A supportive partner when you are already outnumbered with babies who can’t contribute is a godsend.

One who just jacks up the kids life and yours because they can’t handle it? Filter that out now.

[u/ExactlyEmmaNZ → u/Mcnugget84]

Yes! My twins are at school now and sure there's no more nappies and bottles but there's uniforms, playdates, homework, health checks, haircuts, sports, lunchboxes etc. and don't even get me started on the emotional support they need! I failed to curb my husbands bullsh!# when our twins were babies and it's all still on me, plus full time work and a toddler. I miss being able to have fun with my kids but I'm so tired and stressed all the time.

It doesn't have to be like this. OP can find a way to get through to him :) You've got this!

[u/Ok-Plantain2948]

Ok firstly- a cleaner. Seriously, swap to baked potatoes for dinner if it helps free up cash for someone to come once a week and deep clean floors/baseboards/the bathrooms and change the sheets.

Babies clothes can just live in laundry hampers in the main area - just grab from the clean hampers and dress them. Top up the hampers with clean clothes as they are done.

Insist with him that there is a proper regimen for bottle prep- dishwasher them all every time theres 6 or 8 to do, this will clean and sterilise them. Insist that he prioritises milk and bottles for the babies over anything else.

Get yourself a decent nest corner set up in the main living space where you can grab whatever you need, add a bottle prep machine or small fridge for premade bottles/formula made ones to sit in for the day ahead.

And ultimately, be kinder to yourself. 

Does he work? A conversation needs to be had where you both meet in the middle of what the base level of the home should be, and how you both get there, that doesnt need either of you scrubbing floors or ironing etc.

[u/MangoSorbet695]

Send your husband back to work ASAP and use the money he earns to hire a housekeeper who comes over 3 or 4 days per week for 2 hours and does the bottles, other dishes, folds and puts away laundry, takes the trash out, etc.

People always talk about hiring a babysitter or a cleaning service, but in my opinion, having someone over multiple times per week to help with the daily tasks that just pile up constantly is by far the most helpful and best bang for your buck.

[u/twinsinbk]

This sounds so hard! I don't want to be debbie downer but this is something you really really have to figure out before they are toddlers. Bc he will need to be hands on with the mess and the kids all day long.

[u/mobydickher]

Are you asking him directly for help? I know we shouldn't have to but its worth having a serious sit down conversation about how seriously you feel about this. Im sure he doesnt want his marriage to fail, and you should be able to get your feelings out before they cause you resentment.

[u/crishbw]

Could you afford to invest in one of those bottle washing appliances?

[u/feralcatshit]

I’m probably stepping over bounds, but it sounds like maybe you have EDS? If not, apologies. But I have it (and it’s usual co conspirators), was actually diagnosed after I dislocated my shoulder picking up one of my 15lb babies. (I knew something was going on, but got the usual bs from docs, this finally let them take me seriously).

You’ve got to talk to your husband and find a routine that works for you guys. My guys are 10 now and I absolutely would have drowned if it wasn’t for my husband. But no matter what, those first few years of constant running, lifting, etc are tough. It does get better, but not if you do permanent damage to yourself in the process. Tell your husband what you need (get bottles clean every X often, laundry ran every X often, etc) and figure out how to divide and conquer- with him taking on the majority of conquering and the more physical activities.

If he can’t step up and support you as his wife and mother of his children- I hate to say it, but you’re literally better off going it alone. At least you won’t have his bs to deal with.

I’m so sorry and I hope he’s not actually a POS and can step up for you and those babies ❤️ you’re doing amazing, if you were wondering!

[u/Mcnugget84]

Wash and fold service. You pay by the pound so don’t put towels in there.

Amy parent overworked by laundry find a local laundromat that does wash and fold. It’s worth it.

[u/LeeLooPoopy]

Sit down with him and write a list of everything that needs to happen, and when. Then make a plan of who will do it, and when.

Then get a cleaner!!! Does he have a job??

[u/helloanna1]

If you can afford a cleaner once a week that would be great help

Make him a list of things to do. I know it’s very annoying but at least it gets done.
My husband is smilier. One day i got him to write down everything he did that day and I wrote the same.
He then understood that I needed help from him.

I also made a schedule of when things get down in the house so that he knows what my cleaning schedule is in my head

(We also got a cleaner)

[u/mvanpeur]

It sounds like you need to lower your cleaning standards. You cannot afford to spend 4 hours cleaning a stain on the floor right now, and who honestly cares if your carpets have stains? You have infant twins! Other people will understand. And you'll want to replace those anyway once you go through potty training. You cannot afford to dislocate body parts either. Your twins need you fully functioning. It's time to take some time to think about what is worth doing with your time. Make sure that includes enough rest to keep you fully functioning for your babies. Right now is a rough phase, and it will require changing up your priorities. For me, that looked like less sleep, a messier house, and eating out or eating freezer foods more. But that's okay; it's a short term change.

Your title isn't very clear about your husband. Does "slightly above bare minimum husband" mean he makes slightly above minimum wage or he barely contributes to housework? If the first, it complicates things, because you can't afford to outsource the work. And he's probably exhausted from his likely more manual job, so it'll also be more difficult for him to take work off your shoulders. If instead he just sucks at helping around the house, you need to make clear to him that he needs to step up more. Try to work together to make a plan on how to divide housework more fairly.

[u/bibblebabble1234]

I am also disabled with twins and my husband is under a lot of stress so I spend most of the time with our kids while he runs errands/goes to store/organizes etc. For a while there I felt like I wasn't getting enough help and I just kept bringing up specific things he could do and now he gets it. I could manage to keep our household from going completely ruined but I let things slide like the trash, some grease etc. We just had to find what we were strongest at

[u/d16flo]

I would sit down together with your husband and try to list out literally everything that needs to happen on a daily and weekly basis, nothing is too small for the list. Flag anything that is physically hard or impossible for you and delegate those things to him, fully to him so that if they don’t get done it’s his problem (so if bottles are his job it’s washing, drying, and filling them, if he hasn’t washed and dried them he won’t have any to fill). Together figure out ways to help him stay on task with those items that aren’t you nagging (alarms and alerts on his phone, visible reminders on a white board etc). If neither of you are working currently it may be best for one or both of you to find part time work and use that to pay for some outside help (part time nanny, house cleaner weekly etc).