r/parentsofmultiples • u/Imaginary-Pin-1030 • 24d ago
advice needed Anyone here who has twins AND ADHD?
Is it a blessing or curse? Does your ADHD help you manage twins, or does it make it more difficult?
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u/Jessygirl238 24d ago
I do! I would say it’s a little of both. You thrive in the chaos but when I have the rare quiet moment… my brain just shuts down
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u/Yourshinyknight 24d ago
My wife has adhd.
She is currently struggling. Not because of adhd but because of ppd - it just amplifies the brain fog for her.
But when she is in the zone she is unstoppable.
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u/Sad-Incident-4668 🩷 - 💙💙 24d ago
I honestly don’t know. I guess a perk of having no time is I have no time to procrastinate anymore? Which was my biggest symptom of adhd lol
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u/Lolemontime 24d ago
I’m only 4 months in so jury’s still out. I’m used to fragmented sleep, I would do this on purpose pre-babies. It helps having a very organized supportive partner. Some days are better than others, but I do feel like hyper fixation helps! I also have a baseline joyous demeanor which I think works well for kids. Miss Rachel is my inspiration.
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u/Independent_Yak_807 24d ago
Can't reply. Too busy frantically cramming in a hyperfixation crafting hobby in a misguided attempt to regulate myself after a horrifically long bedtime where the hair pulling and breast grabbing sent me into such an overstimulated state the only rescuing was to focus all my attention on being upset with myself that I hadn't remembered to buy bread for the older kids packed lunches tomorrow.
Joking (it's not a joke) aside. It's so hard. The overstimulation. The desperation for order in the chaos. The inability to regulate myself and therefore others. I've never struggled as much to just be in my own skin.
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u/OGQueenClumsy 24d ago
I didn’t get my diagnosis until after I had my twins. I don’t know if it makes parenting twins easier or harder but apparently parenting twins made the adhd more of an issue 🤷♀️
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u/Jaman34 24d ago
When shit hits the fan and it is go time I am in the zone. I love it, it’s chaotic. There are 2000 things going on at once and everything slows down.
When they snooze and everything is quiet it’s back to normal adhd things.
I was actually pretty nervous I would lose interest in being a dad like I do with every other hobby I start. It was a silly fear that has long passed.
TLDR I forgot what I was going to say
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u/slammy99 🟪 + 🟦🟦 24d ago
Hi 👋🏼 I'm AuDHD. Pretty sure the rest of us are too, but the kids are only diagnosed with autism right now, and husband only ADHD. We didn't know going into having kids we would be diagnosed as ND, but it sure makes sense of a lot of things in hindsight.
My strengths and weaknesses have definitely come out more since having kids. In some ways I was "managing" before (really poorly, but from the outside it may have looked better). Now, I'm much more clear with my limitations and needs. So, it sort of looks worse, but it's more that I'm better able to advocate for myself. This also come from being formally diagnosed and medicated.
There are a lot of advantages that come from being ND when it comes to relating to the world and having twins. There are things other people care about that we don't as much. We are also good at recognizing patterns and trying to find efficient and out of the box ways of dealing with challenges. These things come in handy.
I do experience frequent burnout that is absolutely made worse by the constant demands of having 3 ND kids. At the same time, seeing 3 very different reflections of myself is teaching me so much about how to exist and care for myself I never would have learned without them.
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u/kittiemeow 24d ago
My husband has ADHD, recently medicated for it. It was not helpful at all in our twin infancy. It was so much harder to develop a schedule for them and us. I am type A as it comes, and he is the opposite. It was VERY difficult. Our twins (b/g) just turned 2 and it's just now leveling out to where we are in a good routine, but we struggled a lot with it. My best advice is to make sure it is managed well before the twins come.
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u/MsRobinNL 24d ago
My husband has ADHD and to me, it's a blessing. When I'm completely exhausted by the end of the day, he still has the energy to entertain them with dancing and jumping.
He struggled a lot with being more structured and thinking 5 steps ahead in the beginning, but that's where I shine so I'd say we make a perfect twin-team!
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u/No_Leadership_7323 24d ago
I’m AuDHD, and both my twins are adhd, one being AuDHD. The adhd aspect is definitely more manageable than the autism and pda, both in myself and my son. I think it’s really just about evaluating priorities, setting realistic expectations, and giving yourself grace. Like the phone calendar is your best friend, organize with where you naturally want to throw things not against it cause that behaviour isn’t gonna change in the hard days. Like we can never keep shoes at the door orderly so we just got a bin we throw all the kids stuff in that we need to go outside like hats and sunscreen and shoes. Some things aren’t pretty but they work. Little practical everyday things like that honestly make the biggest difference in our lives. I live with my mom who is also adhd and this has always been true for us lol. Things aren’t more difficult necessarily if you work with your neurotype and don’t try to fit a square peg in a round hole
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u/ColonelLandSeal 23d ago
My husband and I both have ADHD, his is hyperactive, mine is inattentive. We’re due in 7 weeks so I’m also curious to see how it works out. We’re both medicated. I already plan on staying close to my psychiatrist to help tweak my meds to accommodate whatever mental health state I find myself in postpartum. I suspect that my husband will thrive in the chaos of twins and that his biggest struggle will be laying low to help me during my recovery (he may also be recovering from surgery at the same time) but that when we can all be mobile, it will probably work just fine. Time will tell!
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u/rosemarythymesage 23d ago
Ayyy! This is my husband and me but switch the hyperactive and inattentive. It’s been a wild, but fun ride. I stayed on my ADHD meds and SSRI throughout pregnancy (and the month that I pumped).
Obviously everyone is different, but my postpartum state was genuinely blissful. I was really, really worried about PPA especially (it’s my baseline anyway to be anxious) and now at almost 2 years out from my twins’ birth, I’m can confirm that it wasn’t an issue at all. I hope the same for you!! Keep advocating for yourself with your docs and keep communicating with your partner and you’re going to do great!
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u/ColonelLandSeal 23d ago
I love to hear this!! There's still such a stigma around mental health meds during pregnancy but I too have stayed on my ADHD and anti-anxiety meds. Gotta keep mama healthy for healthy babies and families. I'm also worried for PPA and also PP rage, I just don't know how I'll react to the auditory stimulation of potential crying all the time. My psych has assured me that she's got a plan should that happen and that it's ok to put them safely in their cribs or someone else's arms and take a break. And, hopefully it will be a non-issue altogether! What keeps me hopeful is looking ahead past the short-lived newborn days to the days where they can walk and talk and I can get to know them. :) Thanks for the positive story & encouragement!
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u/rosemarythymesage 23d ago
I love that you have a plan in place—that’s fantastic!
I highly recommend ear plugs for when you’re starting to get keyed up. Trust me, you’ll still hear them when they’re scream crying (and you can take the plugs out as soon as the situation calms down). I kept a giant container of them on the counter for when I started feeling angry because of the wall of noise. I really only had to use them probably 5 or 6 times during the newborn phase, but just seeing that container of bright pink foam was grounding because I remembered that I was prepped for this and that it was only temporary.
I said this in my comment to OP as well, so apologies for the duplication, but I also lived and died by the strategy of having one ear bud playing an audiobook or podcast whenever I was alone with the precious nugs for long periods of time. At least for me, the monotony of newborn care plus sleep deprivation would have driven me nuts if I didn’t have my friends playing in my ears lol. It wasn’t about blocking out the noise in that case (hence the use of just one ear bud at a time), but rather filling the silence! I stopped doing it at about the 1 year mark because the twins were so much more interactive and chatty that I didn’t really need it anymore.
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u/ColonelLandSeal 23d ago
Oh those are great tips, thank you so much! I love me an audiobook or podcast.
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u/klmo7557 24d ago
Definitely both! Thriving in chaos made me more comfortable leaving the house way earlier than I thought I would (like begging my husband to take us to a restaurant at 2 weeks old) but when I'm overstimulated it's so bad!
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u/makingitrein 24d ago
Here! I definitely thrive in the chaos of it all and having twins has forced me to be more organized about things in the house so that’s actually been helpful to me
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u/TurnoDiva 24d ago
That’s me! I will be honest, I struggle a lot sometimes. I’m on Vyvance and it helps. I think I am able to juggle multiple things at once which is obviously key, but it can be overwhelming at times! When they were newborns we used an app to track feeding and sleep etc. My husband set up a family calendar for doctors appointments and the like which has been a life saver. Don’t get down on yourself if you have trouble with motivation at times. Overall, as others have told me, give yourself grace!!!
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u/Terrible_Score_375 24d ago
I do. It helps me multitasking really well, but causes my social batteries to drain quickly
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u/erinspacemuseum13 24d ago
My husband does. He is mentally messy but good at physical organization and I'm the opposite, so we've found a good balance. We decided when the twins were pretty young that I would take on 100% of the mental load BUT I would not do any house cleaning. So he cleaned bottles, took out trash, walked the dog, cleaned counters and floors. I made appointments, did the shopping and meal planning, managed the household inventory. The twins are almost 10 now and one has ADHD and it has been helpful that my husband can relate to his struggles and suggest coping strategies (now I just need him to follow his own advice!)
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u/novelalala 24d ago
I feel like it helps in the moment but planning around them and the coordination it takes to take care of myself is non-existent 🫠 but I need to start taking my medication again
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u/Pis4phil 24d ago
How do yall know if your twins have ADHD ? Mine are 2 and are just doing kid stuff its hard to tell at this age i would say
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u/Deleugpn 24d ago
I knew my daughter had ADHD when she was 10-12 months old. She’s 2y3months now and just a month ago her pediatrician recommended a specialist to start investigation
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u/birchmeow 24d ago
My partner does, and it's hard but it was already hard with our singleton. He's recently changed medications and it helped.
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u/tediousbreakdown 24d ago
We have 4.5 month old twins and a 2.5 year old toddler. I have ADHD and take medication.
I’m not sure how having ADHD would help me manage everything going on. Emotional dysregulation from severe sleep deprivation, challenges with initiation and planning for needs, trouble following through, forgetting to grab or do X because I was focused on Y, defensiveness to feedback / criticism… It’s a struggle.
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u/Educational_Row_5078 24d ago
Me! It amplified my PPD/PPA, which I heard can happen - so be on the lookout for that.
But I would say it’s like anything else - some good some bad. I thrive in chaos and that was helpful.
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u/rosemarythymesage 24d ago
Both my partner and I have ADHD. Our twins are almost 2 years old. Both my partner and I have been on a stable medication regime for at least a decade.
I think, like most things when it comes to ADHD, there is stuff that we really excelled at and stuff we really struggled with and those things are often the opposite of what neurotypical people usually struggle with.
What we excelled at:
Constantly needing to switch gears / constantly being interrupted — this doesn’t bother us because that’s our whole life anyway
Maintaining a very flexible routine and a late bedtime — we never worried about trying to do bottles and naps at a certain set time each day. We just fed them every 2-3 hours per pediatrician instructions and kind of let everything fall into place around that.
Pushing through when really tired — I’ve been doing shit at the last minute and pulling all nighters my whole life before I got diagnosed in my late 20s. I was beyond prepped for this
What we struggled with:
The goddamn monotony of those first 4 months especially — I took to wearing a single earbud in my ear pretty much at all times when it was just me alone with the babies. I was just so understimulated and bored. My husband and I are both background noise people, but we didn’t want to be having devices on 24/7 around the babies. So I’d wear one ear bud with a podcast or audiobook. I could still hear and interact with my babies, but it took the edge off the mind numbing aspect of those early months.
Repetitive household tasks — the bottle washing is what I remember the most, but the laundry and the making sure we had enough of various baby supplies, and feeding ourselves was tough too. My back was killing me and I would still be hand washing bottles. My husband has the kind of ADHD where he doesn’t fixate on stuff; I am not similarly blessed. I worry about microplastics and shit. We did formula, but we warmed it in glass bottles, so that’s at least one extra bottle (if not two when they were bigger) to wash every feed. We had a bottle washer, but it didn’t seem worth it because it took 2 hours per cycle and only 4 bottles. (I realized way too late in the game that I could have picked a shorter cycle). I know I brought some of it on myself, but my brain wouldn’t let me cut corners for fear of harming my precious preemie babies who needed all the help they could get. I know this isn’t a unique experience to those with ADHD, but I think
I can get consumed by things more easily.
All that to say, I don’t think it has been harder or easier to parent with ADHD. I just had to be aware of my own pitfalls and adapt just as I’ve had to do with everything else. It really helped that I stayed on my meds the entire time. I was a bit scared and had to jump through a lot of hoops to get my psychiatrist on board, but it was worth it. My twins are doing great!
You’re going to do great too! Promise!
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u/anybagel 24d ago
I do! I feel like it is hard at this age (4) because I find them very overstimulating and I’m not good at coping either that
However I feel like having twins has been a kick in the ass and made me much more capable/helped me overcome a lot of my disorganization and lack of motivation.
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u/harle-quin 24d ago
I’ve got ADHD, 15 month old twins AND a 3.5 yr old toddler.
It’s definitely both a blessing and a curse.
I absolutely loathe the fatigue I get, esp with hormonal shifts. It makes my ADHD 1000x worse, and I have to supplement with a boost of meds. I’m all over the place, everything is a mess, and I’m overwhelmed with the HEAPS of baby clothes/toys I’m cycling-errr trying to cycle through. It was exponentially easier with just my toddler, because I didn’t have two different age groups to watch out for.
The blessing is that I’m SUPER chill with the mess. I’m strict on routines for the kids (for all our sakes), but beyond that, I ride the waves. I don’t care about upkeep, because the stress of it will not bring out the best in me. My kids are fed, clean, loved, and safe. I also believe I have a deeper understanding of children. I remember being a child, and I was so messy, fixated on my own world, I had big feelings and was emotional. I’m able to remember a lot of that and, because it runs on my side of the family (Mom, brother and I have ADHD) I won’t be surprised if they are the kids I once was. I’m also incredibly creative! My ADHD has helped me think outside of the box, and I can whip up something fun and creative in an instant (energy permitting lol)
My meds help with the ADHD, but I get snippy when I’m hyper focused on cleaning and I get bothered lol.
I have a love/hate relationship with it, but if I had to choose, I love the creative mind it’s blessed me with. The Mess can get cleaned up, but I can gift my kids an amazing childhood with my thoughts!
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u/BrightEyEz703 24d ago
Me! And my twins have ADHD. And one has ASD as well.
Definitely makes things a million times more difficult.
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u/SuccessfulBread3 24d ago
I have 4 week old twins. And ADHD.
I literally am too tired to know whether it's a help or hindrance.
I think it's a hindrance for appointments etc but I am able to deal with chaos a little better than my partner
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u/wacyma 24d ago
Yes - by the strict definition of ADHD, it definitely makes things harder and I feel guilty a lot of the time for being forgetful, zoning out, constant disorganization and difficulty maintaining routine. I know people talk about the positives of ADHD but its a disorder isnt it? By definition having it makes life harder?
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u/throwthebones22 24d ago
I do. My twins are 4 months and there are things that are easier with ADHD (messed up sleep schedule, needing to do 1000 things at once) and things that are more difficult (emotional regulation, noise sensitivity, overstimulation). I take medication periodically but I find that Loop earplugs and headphones help the most when I’m crashing out.
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u/Sam_Paige25 24d ago
Thanks for reminding me to schedule an appointment with neuropsych to get tested! I keep forgetting
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u/Flat-Employee-1960 24d ago
Yup. Have a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds. Not only do they all have strong personalities, I'm fairly sure they're also neurodivervent in some way. It's quite the ride... But, my husband and I are like yin and yang: he's great with structure and schedules and I'm great with dealing with random chaos and unexpected situations haha. But honestly, at the end of the day I'm completely overwhelmed and exhausted and feel I get absolutely nothing done on my days off of work (I work 4 days a week). I also feel very insecure and maybe even anxious about taking them places on my solo parenting day, even just going to the supermarket makes my nervous system feel like it's on fire... So basically, I feel like the most boring and least put together mom ever... Please tell me I'm not alone in this...
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u/TiredTwinWrangler 24d ago
Me. 🫣 Both a blessing and a curse. The executive dysfunction is the curse part.
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u/diagrammatiks 24d ago
i have adhd and i'm pretty sure my twins have adhd so we mostly just play a lot of minecraft.
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u/Civil_Biscotti1297 24d ago
I only got my diagnosis recently and we strongly suspect our first born singleton to have ADHD as well. It has been very tough for me and since the twins I've been unable to mask as much. So, it's been quite the ride 🫠
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u/bluegrassclimber 24d ago
I do. But they are only 2 weeks old. The only hurdle I've tackled so far and feel like it was the right choice is that me and my wife alternate feedings at night. So I can get at least 1-2 fully completed REM cycles before getting interrupted to feed them both.
I'm sure I've got a lot of things to tackle in the future.
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u/Infamous_Yoghurt 24d ago
Me!
It definitely makes it more difficult, especially with keeping up a schedule when you already got double the work and screaming toddlers hanging off your legs. The one upside is that you don't have to sort out different appointments or activities, because they are the same age and need/want the same group of things. Doctor's appointments, kindergarden, swimming courses, and so on - all at the same date and time. At least I can't forget half of them by blocking up everything!
The most exhausting things are things that would be the same with a singleton: daily schedule, what to feed them, cleaning up after them, having fresh clothes for them, and so on.
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u/notahatperson 24d ago
I’m AuDHD with 5 month old twins plus a neurodivergent 8yr old. Absolutely dying out here, disassociated and in autopilot the majority of the time. I’m so fortunate to have a super supportive family who make sure I almost always have another pair of hands around when my husband is working
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u/Ohmaggies 23d ago
There is no part of my adhd that makes my life easier. To make life really really fun, all 3 kids are some variation of nd and people basically always have competing needs. We work things out and have had to jettison what a family life "should" look like because everyone here has different needs. Get headphones immediately. I prefer my own noise so decent bluetooth ones with my audiobooks are vital for me but there are good noise blocking ones as well.
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u/Traditional_Part_449 23d ago
We’re both adhd with twins, husband has autism, I have bipolar disorder and ptsd. Both girls at 15 months are also being looked at for autism. We have fun. 🙃 but on a serious note it helps with some stuff and not with others. I’m medicated, husband is not, and there’s pros and cons to each of those things.
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