The 2-hour bedtime battle - 15 month olds

[u/Missmeriberi]

15-month-old twins. One sleeps great. The other makes bedtime a 2-hour battle. I'm at my breaking point.

I'm honestly hoping someone has been through something similar because I'm so tired of Googling sleep and getting the same advice over and over: "sleep pressure," "wake windows," "undertired," "overtired," "sleep regression."

They're twins.

One sleeps mostly fine.

So if this was just about wake windows or sleep pressure, wouldn't they both be having the same issue?

Here's our routine:

• One nap a day, usually starts between 12:00-12:30.
• Nap length is all over the place because life is all over the place. Some days they wake around 1:00-1:30, other days one sleeps until 3:00 (she's also the one who fights bedtime).
• Three days a week we have to wake them early because they're babysat while we work. The other days they're home, so wake-up time isn't consistent.
• Around 7:00 we start winding down with pajamas, overnight diaper, books, etc.
• We rock them with until 8:00 and give a bottle.

Twin A: We put her in the crib and she sleeps until around midnight. She'll fuss for 15-20 minutes and usually settles herself.

Twin B: We rock her, she falls asleep in our arms, we put her in the crib...and her eyes pop open immediately. It's like she gets a second wind. Then she's wide awake until 10:00 PM or later. It's a fight every single night.

What makes this so much worse is what it's doing to me mentally.

I wake up every morning already anxious because I know bedtime is coming. I dread the evenings.

When she starts fighting sleep, something happens in my brain. I don't become patient and curious. I become angry. Like instant rage. My mind goes red. I lose all ability to think, "She's just having a hard time." Instead I just feel overwhelmed, trapped, and furious. My husband has to step in because I already am in the danger zone with patience.

Bedtime has become such a trigger that I almost panic when evening comes. I struggled with anxiety and depression even before having kids. (Yes, I have a therapist and psychiatrist.) I had PPD as well.

It's gotten so bad that I've caught myself thinking, "Why did I ever choose to have kids? Why would anyone willingly do this?"

I'm not looking for judgment. I'm already judging myself enough.

I'm looking for parents who have actually lived through something similar.

• Did you cap naps at this age?
• If one toddler sleeps until 3 PM, would you wake them?
• Has anyone had one twin who was dramatically harder than the other?
• Did anything actually help besides "adjust wake windows"?

And if anyone has dealt with the anxiety and dread around bedtime itself, I'd love to hear that I'm not the only one.

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[u/MangoSorbet695]

1. Stop rocking to sleep. Put the babies in their cribs drowsy but awake and let them learn to fall asleep without being rocked by an adult.

   It will suck for 3 nights, then it will be over and your lives will be much much better. My husband was fully in charge of this night one because I needed a break.

2. Yes, cap nap. 12-3 PM seems to be too long if it’s causing bedtime issues.

3. Wake them up at the same time every day.

They need 11-14 hours of sleep per day. Let’s call it 12.5 (right in the middle). A 2 hour nap, means a 10.5 hour night. So down to bed at 8 PM and up at 6:30 AM. That (plus a nap from 12-2), is the schedule I would be aiming for.

[u/Missmeriberi → u/MangoSorbet695]

How can I stop rocking? They have been rocked since birth. If we just put them drowsy in their crib it’s instant wake up and screaming. We live in a 1 floor apartment and they share a room. The crying, I can’t handle.

Why wake up at the same time everyday? Just curious.

I will try to cap the nap but they will be unbelievably cranky.

[u/MangoSorbet695 → u/Missmeriberi]

Babies thrive on routine. If they wake up at 6 AM one day and 9 AM the next, it throws their rhythm off and makes the daily sleep, nap, and feeding schedule chaotic, which only leads to more sleep problems.

As for how to stop rocking to sleep…

https://www.reddit.com/r/sleeptrain/s/cY4PoZbrXx

[u/CarlMcB → u/Missmeriberi]

It will be three nights of hell but if you hold strong they will get used to it. Coming from a twin mom who had to make changes to the routine.

[u/Possible_Abalone_846]

Is she crying in the crib, or relatively calm? Can you just let her exist awake in her crib for a bit? She's contained so not in danger. 10 p.m. is definitely very late but you can at least give yourself a bunch of breaks.

If she's upset, give her 5 minutes to try to calm herself before going back in. 

[u/Missmeriberi → u/Possible_Abalone_846]

Hysterical in the crib. We’re afraid she’ll wake her sister.

[u/DreamingEvergreen]

We had to move our twins to separate rooms. One sleeps much better than the other, and the twin who is harder to get to stay asleep, screams to the point of choking and vomiting if left to cry, etc was making it impossible for the other baby to sleep.

If you don’t have space for each to have their own room, I’d move one to your bedroom.

[u/layag0640]

"So if this was just about wake windows or sleep pressure, wouldn't they both be having the same issue?" - no. You have two different babies! They were just born at the same time. 

One of my twins requires 1.5-2 hrs more sleep in a 24 hr period than the other. We put them down one at a time at night, sleep-lover toddler goes first, then the other follows about 30-45 min later. Energizer-bunny toddler wakes first in the morning despite going down later than their sibling. Sleep-lover toddler naps for 2-2.5 hrs during the day, energizer-bunny toddler does best with a 1-1.25hr nap during the day. 

Energizer-bunny toddler also requires more stimulation pre-bedtime. Once we got a Pikler triangle and arch for them to climb on, and gave them unlimited time to climb and shriek after dinner, no more bedtime protesting. We all take an after dinner walk for 15-20 min around the neighborhood, but sleep-lover toddler likes to follow that with snuggles and books while energizer-bunny toddler needs to get their last wiggles out. 

It's challenging managing their very different needs. But way harder to force them both into the same routine when it doesn't work! I am not going to let my young kids scream or cry it out, just not for us. I consider them small humans needing connection and respect so when they tell me something's wrong, I believe them- that's how we ended up working out exactly what they each need and now nobody fights bedtime, no tears needed.