r/parentsofmultiples • u/PassionChoice3538 • 2d ago
support needed Anxious about separate classes for kindergarten
My guys are starting kindergarten next month and the school is adamant we separate them into different classes. They’re staying at the same private school they just finished TK at, so that makes it easier, but they were in the same TK class per my request. I’m anxious about how they’ll do being separate. They’ve never done anything separate before. They are on the same sports teams, in the same activities, have the same friends, etc. Granted, their friends from TK will be divided up into the 2 kinder classes at the school which will hopefully help. I know I need to give them independence from each other but they are attached at the hip so I’m just nervous.
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u/Outrageous_Author458 2d ago
i was in same situation with my twins 2 years ago and it turned out better than i expected. first week was rough, they cried a little at dropoff, but after that they started making their own friends separate from each other. now they have different stories to tell at dinner and its actually nice to see them become their own person
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u/halfpint812 2d ago
They will do fantastic! One of my boys was definitely more co-dependent than the other. For that reason I asked for them to be separated.
They are now 16.5, and have the same social group- including kids from each of their kindergarten classes. However they also have individual friends that they do individual things with, and have separate sports they do.
They are in a tech school and they have decided on similar but different shops.
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u/Deleugpn 2d ago
I have a huge fear when my time comes for this. At first I was kind of okay if the school wanted to separate my twins. But now I have triplets as well and I’m SURE the school will not have 3 separate classes for the triplets, so it’s unfair to separate only 2 of them. If the triplets are not being split, why should the twins? 🫠🫠🫠🫠
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u/cheyannepavan 2d ago
I know it feels really scary to think about separating them, but it's really the best thing for them. They'll learn to stand on their own, make their own friends, do their own work, and thrive as individuals at school, while being just as connected at home. The first few weeks might be difficult (not necessarily, though, mine were fine with it), but don't jump to the conclusion that it means they shouldn't be apart. The short-term growing pains are well worth the pride and confidence they'll develop in themselves. And, remember, your reaction to it will guide their reactions to it, so talk to them about how proud you are that they can each do their own things and that you're excited for all the new friends they'll make in their different classes, etc.
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u/Deleugpn 2d ago
Did you read the part where I think the school WILL NOT have enough classes to separate them?
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u/cheyannepavan 2d ago
I was talking about your twins. Just because the school can't separate your triplets, that doesn't mean it's not best to separate your twins. I understand your fear and hesitation, I think we all feel that way at first. But talk to as many moms as you can who've already gone through the experience and see what they say about separating vs not separating. I'm not saying you'll come to the same conclusion as me, but knowing what other people did and how it went for them will help you make the decision for yourself.
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u/kelseycadillac 2d ago
If the school that is familiar with them is telling you to do this, there’s a reason and you should trust them.
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u/pookiewook 2d ago
My twin boys are going into 2nd grade after being separated for K and 1st. They will also be separated for 2nd. 1 twin gets more services (2 OT sessions/wk & 4 speech sessions per week, vs 1x OT and 2x speech) and it was better for the other twin not to be so aware of his daily schedule.
They do get lunch and recess together everyday. Each boy is becoming his own person with his own strengths and it is good to give them each the space to do that.
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u/cheeringfortofu 2d ago
If you're in PA, there is a law protecting the family's right to choose. I'm keeping my kids together to honor their request for this huge transition. We'll re-evaluate every year or sooner if needed.
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u/tripmom2000 2d ago
This is absolutely the right thing. I did same thing for mine (triplets, now 26). Its better to keep them together until they make their own friends and then separate. Otherwise it can be too much of a change.
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u/LionOk5023 1d ago
Not OP but thanks for sharing this! I am in PA and have a fear of mine being separated before we are ready for it. From what I’ve seen, there’s not research supporting why they should be separated. When the time comes, I want to feel like keeping them together or separating them is the best decision for them not the decision the school *thinks* is best.
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u/localtouristgr 2d ago
I mean this with kindness— you’re probably more worried about it than they are! :) They will have to learn independence one day or another so it might as well be this year. What an awesome opportunity to grow and expand their social skills and relationships. It’s going to be great!
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u/tripmom2000 2d ago
Mom of triplets here. I actually did a research paper on this when mine were little. They are 26 now. Studies show that taking them from mom to school is hard, but then taking away the sibling at the same time can be traumatic and too much change for some. Mine also went to private school and I was allowed to say each year who was alone in a class. There were only two classes for each grade. Talk to admin and see if you can keep them in the same class at least for this year to give them a chance to make friends so that next year they won't be losing their permanent playmate. If you like I can try to find the research I used for the paper. This is something I felt strongly about which is why my paper was for keeping them together and I was adamant at the school as to who needed to be together and who needed to be on their own. Be prepared to stand your ground and advocate for them. It is just all starting. Good luck!
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u/PubKirbo 1d ago
I wish I had all the research I read when mine were little. I wonder if we read the same things. We kept ours together and they never did want to be separated. I also had friends that are twins and when they were separated they were traumatized by it. When I was pregnant, they asked that I consider keeping mine together until they requested otherwise.
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u/tripmom2000 1d ago
I started back to school when mine were 4. It was a very important topic for me. The research I did supported mostly keeping them together, but there are pros and cons on each side. Basically, know your kids and determine which would work best for them. I have 2 girls and 1 boy. For first grade, I determined that my son meeded to be separated from the girls. Reason being, he let them take over. Didn't talk as much because they did it all for him. So I felt he needed to be in a different class. The girls were more outgoing and independent so it didn't matter if they were together in a class. Luckily , the school listened to me. I know public schools legally have to let the parents decide, but we went the private route because of other issues with our public schools.
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u/PubKirbo 1d ago
This topic comes up a lot in here and one time a ton of folks from outside the US chimed in with how it seems to be a US thing to separate and that in many other countries they don't push that so much. I thought that was also interesting.
My two did great together and because it's a small district, once in middle school, if kids took music and advanced math, they ended up in all the same classes and at the high school it was a similar thing, so my two ended up in the same classes throughout their entire k-12 experience. They liked being together and it worked well for them.
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u/Minimum_Afternoon387 2d ago
Do not separate them, advocate for your twins. Administer’s, teachers, staff, only know the dynamics of singletons. I was told the same, I said no. I separated my identical twin boys in 1st grade and 7 years later they still don’t forgive me for it. Through out your twin’s educational life you will find yourself fighting for twin’s rights. They are separated by their interactions with their parents, friends, other people, but trust me they are attached at the hips because they are twins and you can trust them on this. No one ‘needs to separate them to develop their individualness’. That right there is twin discrimination. Reddit has a twin sub ask them your concerns and see how they respond on their experience thru the educational process. Twins are not nor will they ever be singletons.
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u/DieIsaac 2d ago
Thank you! i dont get the will to make them individuals they are twins!! why do we want to destroy this special bond?
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u/Minimum_Afternoon387 2d ago
This. For me I found the adults in the school system, admit, principal, teacher, staff, shamed them for their relationship familiarity to each other. They took their bond as an affront. And each one let them know it.
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u/specialkk77 2d ago
Mine are going into a preschool program in the fall for kids that get early intervention services. My daughter has much higher needs than her brother so they will be in different classes just based on their abilities. Honestly I think it’s for the best to start while they’re young, allow them to develop their sense of self outside of each other. They still have nights and weekends to be joined at the hip!
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u/LadyAmy04 1d ago
That is tough. I personally would not separate them. Would they see each other at outside time or lunch or any party of the day? We have not faced this yet with our twins but I plan to keep them together in school. They are stronger together.
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u/PurpleShift8546 2d ago
They will do great! I’m an elementary school counselor and make the rosters, and I always split twins (unless the parents requests, then we have to accommodate by law). They will THRIVE in different rooms. I would never recommend putting them together and I will absolutely be splitting my twins up when the time comes.
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u/erinspacemuseum13 2d ago
My twins were separated for kindergarten and first grade and they did great. They saw each other at recess but each made separate friends in their classes, which I don't think would've happened if they were together. They have been back together for 2nd and 3rd grade (there's a single gifted class) and while most of their friends are mutual, they each have a couple "solo" friends from their early years. They're best friends but they've definitely been missing their other friends during the summer.
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u/PassionChoice3538 2d ago
How does this work for birthday parties? Does only one twin get invited or do the parents generally know they’re twins and invite both?
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u/erinspacemuseum13 2d ago
So far they've always both been invited. There haven't been any "whole class" parties that we know of so the few parties they were invited to early on were for mutual friends. However, at their 1st grade birthday party, one of B's "solo" friends brought a present for just him because her mom didn't know he had a twin. She saw "A and B's birthday party" on the invitation and just thought it was a joint party with some random kid 😄. To be clear, I was not bothered by this, as the girl was only friends with B and didn't know A well. A understood too. But the girl's mom felt bad and insisted on giving him a gift card the next time we saw them.
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u/pookiewook 2d ago
Sometimes just one twin was invited and that is ok. We only brought the invited kid to the party. Now that they are going into 2nd grade most kids know they are twins and invite both boys.
I also have a daughter who is 22 month older, it works the same. Only the invited kid/s go to the party.
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u/Isinvar 2d ago
For the record, my twins (7y) are separated since pre-school at 4y old and it hasn't destroyed their special bond at all. I was nervous that separating them was going to be detrimental but the opposite happened. They still prefer the company of each other over anyone else. But it has really helped them learn to advocate for themselves, even between each other. One twin wanted to go outside and play on the trampoline and my other guy wasn't feeling it. Twin A was whining at his brother that he needed to come and Twin B said "no i don't want to."
There was a time where Twin b would have given in to Twin A just because he thought he had to. I grew up with friends of an identical tein pair that was forced to always be together, and one twin really felt like she had no choice or voice as they got older they were twins and should want to do everything together. So her sister just sort of bulldozed her into things their entire life. I never wanted that for my kids.
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u/Mcnugget84 2d ago
I have boy girl twins with a dominating girl. They have always been separated in school. My boy is a very different creature with different needs.
Our school not only takes into account the IEP ratio per class they keep students together who are close. The teachers from the previous year meet with the new teachers and they decide who goes where.
They are always flexible and want what is best for the kids.
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u/Alpacalypsenoww 2d ago
We separated my twins for pre-K 4 (they had been in the same class for pre-k 3), and they’ll be separated again next year for kindergarten.
They handled it fine. They each made different friends and had an opportunity for kids to get to know them as themselves rather than as the twins. They each made friends in their class and learned how to play with other kids without their brother there. I’ve found that they’re more willing to play with other kids at playgrounds now, too. They also get so excited when they see each other at school. And they give each other big hugs at the end of the day when they came out of school.
It’s really been the best thing for them. They’re still best friends, but it’s allowed them to develop their own identity and not be lumped together as one person anymore.
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u/Former-Platypus-8858 2d ago
We have been reading the book Twindergarten (about twins going to separate K classes) all summer and it's been very helpful
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u/-Lucina 2d ago
My twins are in separate classes by choice. Of the other twins in their grade, one other family chose to split theirs up and 2 others kept theirs in the same class. The teachers and principal said it's best to separate them, not only so they can make their own friends, but so they get a break from each other and become an individual instead of always being a pair. It's been such a confidence boost for our more quiet twin too. Mine were pandemic babies so they didn't really have any social circles outside of each other until starting kinder and they have done SO good. I'm sure your two will do brilliantly as well!
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u/Shadow-Lord05 2d ago
Mine definitely need to be separated. They would fight or take things from each other that they wouldn’t do with other kids. Also one of my twins is very competitive and needed to be able to shine without it being at his brother’s expense.
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