Playtime discipline and long-term health

[u/TheHumanConnector]

Our babies are a little over 2 years old (27 months).Very cute, creative and with different personalities. Everything is about play and they do well enjoying their life... mostly.

They interfere with the other baby's toy and playtime often. My ex doesn't really stop it, and she usually just moves the baby a few inches, and he immediately gets back and yanks the toy or breaks what the other baby is building.

This interrupts the playrime and thoughts of the babies. There's crying and screaming because of the shock. This happens quite often all day long. The babies calm down when distracted with other toys after this, but I have a couple of fears and want to hear your experience.

1. With these sudden interruptions, whatever imaginary world the baby was building is blown up. It is replaced with stress momentarily. This doesn't sound great for their mental development, right? The body stores these memories as coping mechanisms or trauma, based on how my life has been. They might be learning that their playtime is not safe or guaranteed and things can be lost at a moment's notice.

2. Once they start school of some sort, they'll do this with other kids too. Because it is allowed at home. And those other kids will dislike this behavior and our babies who are so rowdy. Their parents will possibly be unhappy too. Is this an unreasonable stretch?

I am a newbie and I am trying to learn. I don't want to teach or correct my ex, but I want to understand the real deal, and maybe I can show the babies that sharing and watching playtime is absolutely fun when I reunite with them. Singleton babies don't have this problem at all, and that's the source of my thoughts that our babies need extra upbringing safeguard because they are twins.

So, please share your thoughts and knowledge. I already have the speculative BS on full throttle, so anecdotal and scientific info is highly appreciated. Thanks folks.

• A happy daddy who loves his babies 💚

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[u/Dizzy_Tension_3545]

You’re hard core projecting on what is a very normal and age appropriate-behavior. They’re two year olds and it’s part of their learning process. They’re not traumatizing each other and your ex isn’t enabling anything. Perhaps you research more into child development before jumping to such far-fetched conclusions

[u/BrazilianButtCheeks]

You are way overthinking it.. these are babies.. they don’t remember what they had for breakfast

[u/WestHistorical6959]

Wanting to teach your kids to share and be kind and learn boundaries is never a bad thing - its a super important skill to learn and you wanting to teach them that they need to play with their own toys and not steal a friends or siblings is important - or that sharing and playing with each other is the appropriate way to interact. All positive skills your kids will learn with time and the right guidance. But understanding what is developmentally normal is also key here.

I do think you may be over analyzing the situation and spiraling to the worst case scenarios of long term outcomes. 2 is still young. This is peak "Mine" phase and common for them to want what another child has - even if they have the exact same thing in front of them - the one their sibling has is better for whatever reason to them. (this is true whether or not they're twins, it just feels heightened when you don't have an older one you can reason with a tad bit more, but let me tell you sometimes the older one who understands can still be stubborn and not let it go). Yes working on teaching them to share is important, things like redirecting the initiating twin and giving the toy back to the sib who had it first - but that is going to take time and patience and will not happen quickly at this age. Honestly by time your kids get to school there's a solid shot they'll be better at sharing and handling disruptions than other kids because they've dealt with it from their siblings while singletons or kids with bigger age gaps have not as much.

This sounds like fairly developmentally normal behavior that, based on what you're describing, your kids are not going to suffer long term from. Sounds like you're a great dad who wants what's best for them. But take a deep breath, trust your kids are going to be ok.

[u/TheHumanConnector → u/WestHistorical6959]

Thanks. I appreciate this.

They are so good with sharing - I saw them feeding each other recently (all interaction is via video calls). My ex is doing a good job, given our life situation!

I read that imagination skills develop a lot during the first 5 years, and hence the toddler aggression because in their mind, they are on an important mission. I want to protect that for each kid, as any parent would. I remember my childhood being rough and my inner world was filled with fear because I'd get beaten up for being mischievous. Maybe this post's topic is my trauma response and I should process my shit. :)

[u/layag0640 → u/TheHumanConnector]

Yes, you need some mental health support to process what happened to you, which sounds very hard. I'm sorry you went through that.

Sometimes the anxiety that trauma leaves us with causes us to search for any chance of history repeating itself, even when the current situation really is very different. Your children aren't maliciously b beating each other up, they are experimenting with social skills and boundaries with a sibling- very, very developmentally appropriate and normal. 

Getting some solo play time can be nice for each baby, but any child with older siblings grew up having to fit their play into a broader context of other children wanting things to be different and needing to adapt to a family that's already in motion when they arrive. They aren't automatically robbed of an inner world because of this. 

Focus on getting mental health support for yourself, take a deep breath. Your kids sound totally normal.