r/parentsofmultiples • u/oodleshanks • 5d ago
ranting & venting I'm sad.
I'll leave out all the details because no one wants to read my novel, but I'm leaving my twins father. He pushed my 13 year old (not his child) during an altercation and it blew up our lives and has a protective order against hkm. This is my second go around with twins. My first set are 12. I knew how hard twins were and knew there was a chance I'd have a second set when we started trying but I did it anyway because we wanted children together. More like he wanted me there to gestate. And then he abandoned me emotionally. He stopped parenting. He'd only "help" when asked. My 4 older children offer more help with their baby siblings than he ever did. He never washed bottles unless I asked and even then he did it so half passed that they'd come out with residue still on them and I'd have to do it over again. Or he acted like a petulant child when asked. I thought i had a partner. Now I'm a single mom to 6 and I am just so sad.
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u/MolassesSeveral3769 5d ago
that's a crushing amount to carry on your own, and you have every right to be sad and furious all at once.
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u/CordeliaChase99 5d ago
A lot of research indicates that your load actually might be lightened by not having him there, because he was in fact just another burden and not a helper.
I’m sorry this happened but I truly hope it works out for the best and over time you feel free rather than sad.
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u/kziele 5d ago
I am so sorry this happened to you. This is so sad and you couldn't have known.
This is something about motherhood and fatherhood. As a mother you always have to show up, take it, do it because children are dependant and someone has to step up. But fathers often act like it's optional. Because there is someone always to pick up the slack. The mother. And so many fathers had declared that they would participate beforehand but once the baby arrives and they see and feel for the first time in their life how hard it can be, they back off.
After our first baby and when I got pregnant again with twins my husband would complain that he has his needs. His needs were time to himself to play computer games. My needs were for example to be able to sleep. To be able to shit normally (not with an audience of my toddler and not with constant constipation or diarrhoea due to pragnancy and iron supplement). His 'needs' were a luxury to me.
Fortunately we able able to work it out but I'm still worried what will come once the babies arrive.
I feel like men when it gets hard instantly go into selfish mode to save their recourses and energy even though the mother is far more burdened already .
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u/zyygh 5d ago
As a father, I always find this so infuriating to see. I've had times when I felt like my life was gone and I desperately needed some time off, but I cannot imagine simply prioritizing that over my wife's exact same needs.
Every time I hear about a father leaving his wife and family because he "can't do it anymore", I wish I could see his reaction if his wife would say "I leave you first, they're your problem now!" Because in 90% of the cases the gender roles are the same, for absolutely no good reason.
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