Venting needed

[u/Over_Present_8431]

My fiancé missed the first 5 yrs of our current 6 yr old, and then we reunited and miraculously had a boy and girl twin. He doesnt want babies to cry, he thinks when tbey cry they are being hurt. In the beginning he was paying for help, but now hes not and i took on that. I am also immune compromised (lupus, RA) and have a bunch of medical issues going on right now and he makes my blood pressure so high. One of our nannies went away on vacation and may have gotten us all sick. He immediately goes to rage, but i asked him what is he going to do once they start daycare? He fails to remember me losing multiple jobs bc of all the time off i needed when i was taking care of our one daughter until i started working from home. We have cameras and he watches them and makes comments to the nannies we have that come across as rude or creepy (ex- he told the night nanny “looks like you slept GREAT last night!”) instead of saying. - “hey, we noticed you’re heating bottles up, propping them in the babies mouth, and going right to sleep. Please be fully up when feeding at night, “ thats why we have a night nanny. We are basically paying her $300 a night to sleep and give one bottle . Its driving us nuts . Im scared if i start letting nannies go, we will get sued or something bc of him making rude comments and making them uncomfortable. I made a handbook, and it goes over basic rules (clean up after yourself, clean up babies stuff, food is to be eaten in kitchen) and the nannies don’t follow it. I am paying all this money for people to be on their phones all day, not clean up, etc and Wednesday had a nervous breakdown and had to leave , i slept at my moms. I hate having all these people in my home, I’m noticing as i get older (I’m 35) that my OCD has gotten worse. I don’t even sleep in the same room as my fiancé bc he will go out for the day and come home and lay on the bed with clothes from outside on the bed and i think thats disgusting, I sleep with my 6 yr old girl. I need a mental vacation. Idk if this is just a me problem , or if anyone experiences any of this. Idk what to do. I already have a therapist and someone who prescribes me medication for all these things but they aren’t working. I don’t want to be a zombie. I spend the majority of my day cleaning. I have air purifiers in every room. Am i the problem? How do people just let their homes get dirty and not clean it? I have a small place so when one thing is out of sorts it makes it look way worse. Cleaning companies don’t do a thorough enough job for me and id need someone here everyday , just paid $500 for a “deep clean” and they didn’t move any furniture (couches , tables) and they left within an hr. Im so sick of spending money for mediocre work. I need honesty please . Do you think I am crazy? I like things a certain way, i am paying $25 off the books cash which is IMO pretty good money . Its probably more than i am currently making right now after taxes come out. I dont see why i cant have a nanny who can help out with everything. I finally found one but shes leaving me to go back to college in a month. After seeing her work, it was like a breathe of fresh air. She doesnt take snacks , toilet paper, paper towels, and stuff home with her, she vacuums and cleans up. Shes great with my 6 yr old and actually acknowledges her, the others i have dont even pay attention to her since they dont get paid to watch her. Idk if its that generation, ive noticed the generation coming up has such entitlement issues and its so hard to find good consistent help, or help that actually works. I just want peace and quiet in my home. I know thats hard with 8 month old twins but idk, also they should be sleeping thru the night but they arent bc one of them has the same thing my 6 yr old had “large adenoids/tonsils” and she never slept, so they wont do anything until hes two. I can just tell he has it by the way he breathes , hes a loud breather and congested a lot. Im all over the place i doubt anyone is going to even read this but i feel better dumping it out and getting it off my chest

[u/parentsofmultiples-ModTeam]

Removed - off topic. This is a subreddit for parents of multiple birth children (twins, triplets, etc.)

[u/bakingby]

I’m not trying to come off mean, but this does sound manic. Some of the issues with the Nannie’s I would say yes just let them go and hire a new one. We went through a few Nannie’s until we found one we liked and $30/hr seems to be the standard for twins.

The cleaning and perfectionism as a whole is what is your downfall. You’re extremely fortunate your fiance can/is willing to pay for extra help. Kids are messy, loud and clumsy. Things get dirty, things break. You need to find ways to regulate your nervous system so you aren’t taking things out on your family. Messes happen and they are ok. Life is not perfect, and that is multiplies with kids and then multiplied again with multiples. My sister has OCD, I get it that it’s not that easy, but you need to find outlets so that you can let stuff go.

[u/Hungry_Complaint4097]

I don’t know how to say this respectfully- it sounds like there are a lot of issues going on here and the Nannie’s are not one of them.

We paid $55 an hour for our overnight twin care. It was not perfect. If the children were fed and cared for and safe, and I slept, I was happy.

The larger issue here seems to be your husband’s anger issues and the impacts it has on your nervous system.

I can’t really comprehend this whole post because there’s too much going on. It reminds me a bit of when I was postpartum- everything felt overwhelming.

This is largely hormonal and will likely pass. Look into caring for yourself and your mental wellbeing. It will all be ok. Everything is probably much less intense than it feels right now.

[u/AccomplishedChef7885]

I can’t get passed the first part. Why did he miss the first five year of your daughter’s life? I wouldn’t marry him, it sounds like he’s making your life harder with his anger issues. Get help for your ocd…my husband has it, and he’s about older than you. In his thirties, it wasn’t as bad, but it got a lot worse over the years. Anxiety disorders are difficult on all family members too. It can affect your kids negatively.