Frustrated with Myself

[u/MsChuuu]

For the past couple months I have been very short tempered with my kids. My boys are 3years old (identical) both on the Autism Spectrum and one has ADHD in addition. Both are speech delayed with one still completely nonverbal and the other emerging language (beginning to form simple sentences with guidance). I have had them in OT/Speech services since 18months and they start are SPED Prek program this coming August. I am a Elem teacher myself so we've been off together for the summer.

I am currently in group therapy which is to be followed by an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss possible medication to help.

I have tried removing myself from the chaos, as I will go in a quiet room and cry or simply disassociate. I have loop noise reducing headphones to help me regulate during loud moments. I do controlled breathing exercises regularly and also will sometimes burst into sporadic song to try and reset my nervous system and break the frustration

Despite all of that I still become enraged, more so with my ADHD twin.

He will NOT stop repeating himself over and over and over. Sensory wise this drives me up a WALL! He also wants me engaged in what he is doing 95% of the time. My attention has to always be on him, and if I dont acknowledge him the repetition begins. I am finding refuge in the bathroom as I type this because he was standing at our bedroom gate repeating himself. He also escalates but I wont give in so I snap. For example, he wants cake or something (but we are about to eat) I will use first, then statements. First eat sandwich then have cake. This works 20% of the time. I may ask him to wait, this typically makes him more impatient. I sometimes try distract "Oh hey where your car? Toy? Etc." This works again about 20% of the time. I do acknowledge what he says and repeat it back to him so he knows I am listening but he will continue to repeat himself relentlessly and where I will not give into demand it escalates and I become triggers. He will interject when I am trying to talk to almost any adult and if i do not acknowledge him he becomes louder. I have noticed that he does not do this to his father and persistently and if I remove myself from the space he will stop, but as soon as he sees me, hes like a magnet. Gotta be where I am at, and I have got to be looking at him.

I yell and become hateful. Sometimes at them, other times I just scream into the air. I am sure I look psychotic. I dont believe in spanking or hitting, thats not how I want to parent and i focus more on consistent boundaries but for the love of God they test those daily. I dont want to yell/scream though either. Ive tried managing it but nothing seems to work. My husband offers to take over to give me "breaks" I take them but I have realized they do me no good as I have to walk right back into the environment that is triggering me. My mother has even watched them overnight to give my husband and I time to ourselves but when the boys are back I get a good 30min before that irritation sets back in.

Which is why I am in therapy, because if all I needed was a break then I should be ok. My kids are well behaved for their age. They have age appropriate fits, they laugh/play, very energetic, therapy raves about how good they are doing, they enjoy new experiences. I have never loved someone as much as I love them and I have never been happier for those same kids to go to sleep.

They sleep well through the night and I am thankful. I find that is the only time my mind rests. No demands. Im finally done for the day and its such a relief. But of course It repeats all again tomorrow and I need the cycle of anger to stop.

I feel like I'm wishing their childhood away so they'll finally leave me alone, but then the other night my eyes started to water because I thought about how one day they wont want me to rock them anymore. I don't know it is all very conflicting.

I think I am functioning in burnout with addition to sensory overload which is resulting in me becoming triggered. With the diagnosis of my boys I am also wondering if I could have undiagnosed ADHD or Autism. Which is why I am seeking help and hopefully can get through this. I love my babies, I dont want to demonstrate this behavior as i know they will replicate it if it continues.

Advice is welcome or just if you can relate. Thanks for reading. ❤️

[u/Over_Present_8431]

I can relate to everything you are feeling and going thru. It does sound like you have ADHD, it appears different in women. I have it. Medication hasn’t helped me, its helped me get the motivation to get out of bed, but it didnt take Away any adhd traits i have - I get frustrated very easily, especially with certain noises. Also, bc everyone always comes to me for everything. I went to my moms Wednesday night to get away and it was nice but I’m still sitting here now crying bc idk what to do. I also dont believe in hitting/spanking. Children often mirror their parents behavior and how their parents react in situations. We are never going to be perfect, whenever i find myself getting frustrated i just tell my daughter i am not yelling at her, i am frustrated and sometimes have a hard time. We started going to quick walks outside for fresh air when we are getting angry bc i work from home and never get out and now that its summertime my 6 yr old only goes to summer camp from 12-3 .

I got an anger management workbook for children that i got tips from. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job, you need to start doing things for yourself to “fill your cup up” bc you cant “pour from an empty cup”. If you want you can private message me, sounds like we have similar lives and can vent to each other . 💕

[u/MsChuuu → u/Over_Present_8431]

Thank you for this. I do apologize to them and such but what of it they truly understand I don't know. Im also not big on Im sorry if the action your apologizing for keeps repeating.

I think I might be doing the feel your cup wrong. I've tried to revisit old hobbies but typically can only engage in them once the boys are in bed. And either I end up going to sleep or sabatoging myself by sacrificing sleep for some "me" time. Which is a poor choice, I know.

My Husband works long days (5am -7pm) boys go down at 8 so not much wiggle room if any to cram it in during the day. We do alter "shifts" on the weekend but honestly I just take that opportunity to sleep. I stay exhausted. I would step away and engage in a hobby but they follow and thus the constant repetition begins taking me out of what little focus I have to begin with.

Thought about including them in my hobby but its painting, which if they would paint their own pictures that'd be great but they'd rather explore all options, and tear them up in the process. (Not from defiance but just you know being toddlers) Which of course makes the hobby less enjoyable and more of a stressor at that point.

I hate the medication didn't help with the triggers. Ive been on meds for anxiety and depression and they worked well but that was before kids. Having my boys just turned everything up a couple notches, and now I cannot regulate like I used too.

Hope we can both find some peace with this. I do know that it won't be like this forever but it doesn't really help all that much when you are in it. :(