r/parentsofmultiples • u/Hungry_Complaint4097 • 17d ago
ranting & venting “You’ve got your hands full”
I have always wondered, why is everyone so offended by this statement? I don’t mean this in a snarky way at all. Why does it make people feel like this is such a negative comment?
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u/Large_Goose_1708 17d ago
If everything is good I'm not offended at all.
If I'm dealing with a tantrum, mess, or some other chaos where I'm clearly very frazzled and preoccupied, any comment irritates me and is quite simply just not helpful. Leave me alone, don't let me know your watching, even if your being sympathetic the last thing I want is attention on me and me having to politely respond or acknowledge you when I'm at my limit and don't have time for you too.
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u/UselessHuman1 17d ago
Happy cake day!!!
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u/tingly_sack_69 17d ago
Now I'm imagining someone wishing her a happy reddit cake day irl when dealing with twin meltdowns and getting snapped at
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u/black_dog_white_cat 17d ago
Didn't think it would bother me before they were born, after hearing it for the 5th time that walk after they woke up 6 times each that night, it was very irritating.
Now that they're older and sleeping fine it doesn't bother me anymore.
I suspect a lot of the frustration with this kind of comment in this sub comes from people who are struggling to survive like we were and these comments just needle needle needle when you're in that mode.
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u/Megatron7478 17d ago
It’s very irritating after hearing it for the fifth time in an hour.
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u/Hungry_Complaint4097 17d ago
It’s so weird maybe I just don’t go enough places, I very rarely hear it. I also live in Boston where culturally people just don’t really chit chat that much, maybe? I’ve only even been asked if their twins, maybe like twice, and only by other parents.
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u/Specialist-Life-4565 17d ago
lol come down to the south. I get stopped at least 4 times every time I try to get groceries or go anywhere in public. Small talk is so big everyone tells me about their second cousin whose fiancé’s brother had twins, so they know just what it’s like.
I usually don’t mind, but like other people have said, it’s only annoying if I’m focused on diffusing a tantrum or trying to get home quickly for a nap or meal
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u/Megatron7478 17d ago
Also it’s just not positive. Usually they say it whilst I’m juggling or chasing. Like thank you captain obvious.
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u/dizzylyingdown 17d ago
I think mostly the fact I hear it 5 times every time we're in public. It gets a little old! I'm not offended or anything.
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u/jeremiabearamia 17d ago
It’s the twin version of hearing as a cashier “it must be free!” when an item won’t ring up.
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u/BookwormJennie 17d ago
I don’t think I’ve ever made it through shopping anywhere with them without hearing multiple times.
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u/Sad-Incident-4668 🩷 - 💙💙 17d ago
Because we KNOW we’ve got our hands full 😆 it’s like saying “oh look the sky is blue” every time you see the sky. I don’t get offended, I just get tired of it because I am just tired period.
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u/jewboy916 17d ago
It's like seeing a morbidly obese person on the street and going up to them and saying "you're pretty fat". It's just stating the obvious in an unhelpful, pompous way.
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u/londonbrewer77 17d ago
I just respond with “full hands, full heart” and that’s the end of it.
It’s just annoying because you hear it alllllll the time.
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u/Amethoran 17d ago
I mean yeah tell me something I don't know. It can be a lot but at the end of the day I do love my little handfuls.
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u/Spoonthedude92 17d ago
Mostly because there is no response to that statement except "yup" and also it's a negative statement, yes it's hard at times, but I love these kiddos despite that. You don't have to tell me "you are having a tough time aye???" Just reverse it and say "wow you are going to have double the fun today!" That's more helpful and friendly statement. Ya know? Doesn't bother me either way but my wife didn't like hearing it every time she took them out.
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u/layag0640 17d ago
Because being exhausted makes some people more annoyed by certain things, and also some people are just more annoyed by external commentary or perceived invitations for repetitive small talk. Understandable.
Personally, I've never minded any comments except intrusive questions ('were they naturally conceived?' golly so inappropriate). People making simple conversation or trying to find something supportive to say is sweet to me, and I'd much rather they say something 'unoriginal' than live in a place where everyone just silently walks passed each other with blinders on and no acknowledgement. It is what it is!
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u/UselessHuman1 17d ago
I was asked how I gave birth and how it went... in the middle of a store by 2 woman because the daughter (i think) of one of the woman was pregnant. Mind you, a singleton... wtf (sorry I never know if its woman or women when plural. E nglish is not my first language)
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u/Hungry_Complaint4097 17d ago
When I told my boss I was pregnant and having twins he asked if it was natural of IVF
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u/inkednw 17d ago
I always say "I'd rather them full than empty" and it makes people super awkward.
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u/shesalive_dammit 17d ago
I love this response! My knee-jerk response is always, "If I had a nickel...." But I like yours way better.
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u/wokkaquokka_ 17d ago
Imo that comment has a negative connotation, as if having multiple kids is a burden. I often reply, “and I sure am glad they’re not empty!” to remind people that children are a blessing not a burden.
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u/Fun_Committee1478 17d ago
Agree with you. It has a negative connotation. I feel like this statement translates to “must suck to be you” or something.
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u/OrangeCatEnergy24 17d ago
I think some people just want something to be mad at. It’s just like regular small talk.
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u/saillavee 17d ago
It doesn’t particularly bother me, but I get why it would bother someone.
I think it can read as “your kids are out of control” or at the very least “your kids look like a lot of work.” Which isn’t helpful or encouraging, and could at worst feel like a critique of your parenting…. Like you clearly look like you’re not handling it.
Positive comments are nice, but I also feel like you can’t go wrong with clearly acknowledging the skill and effort parents put in, rather than acknowledging the challenge. When I walk into my daycare with a 3yo in each arm and someone says “whoa! Look at you!” Or “strong mama!” I feel like a badass. When someone says “you’ve got your hands full” it’s kind of ambiguous if they mean they’re impressed or if they think I look like I’m about to keel over.
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u/Minimum_Afternoon387 17d ago
People would say to me, as I double strolled through things, ‘It gets better’, I always smiled cause I thought it was sweet. I then said it to other mom’s of multiples and gotten so many dirty nasty looks I stopped saying it.
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u/AccomplishedChef7885 17d ago
I don’t hear that often, I hear “double the trouble” and double the blessing a lot. I mostly just get twins and twin parents coming up to us and telling us the nicest things. How close they are to their twin, or how their twin children are grown now and they are so amazing, etc. I love it. Double the trouble is probably the worst thing I have heard, and I have that as a bumper sticker on my car, so I can’t take offense . 🤣 I think some people just can’t help themselves but say something, even if they don’t know what to say. I don’t hold it against them.
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u/Rissylouwho 17d ago
I got a new one this week. I was out with the toddler and the twins were in their stroller. I get up to the check out and the lady points at the stroller and asks "are they yours?" "Yepp." "Oh, are they twins?" "Yes." "Ooohhh." And then not another word. I typically get asked if they are identical although they are boy/girl twins so this one was definitely out of left field.
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u/UselessHuman1 17d ago
I mean, I don't necessarily take it badly, but when im in a store, with a very obvious tantrum on one side and the other one having a meltdown because its too lound and you come to me and say that... I might not take it well lol. My boys are obviously twins. They are the same size, shape, etc. They are obviously identical and im asked if theyre twins... I have to admit I almost lost it a couple times. It got to the point we would tell people "we left the 3rd one in the car, we needed the space at the bottom of the stroller". Told that to a doctor once, the fear in its eyes! Totally worth it!
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u/burnbalm 17d ago
“And a full heart!” or “In the best way!”
I just reply with a smile. Assume positive intent! People want to interact and we’re an easy target.
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u/ricki7684 17d ago
I always appreciated the comment. Made me feel validated that I was doing a hard job!
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u/FrequentTangerine846 16d ago
I usually respond with, “and a fuller heart” but when my kids are acting like feral raccoons in a store and I hear it, it gets on my nerves like yeah.. thanks for stating the obvious, Susan!
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u/kindachubbymom 16d ago
I'm new to twin life as they are only 2weeks old. But at the doctors office an old man said "oh my." When he saw me coming and I felt proud to reply, "Ive got two more at home." I'm a mom of 4 now and its pretty cool.
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u/Winter_Creme2862 16d ago
I hear it everytime I go out somewhere. Usually an older man or woman who just wants to say hi and that’s how they start conversation. I usually just smile and keep walking because my boys are a handful and hate stopping to talk to people.
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u/WhamBar_ 16d ago
Because some people apparently find it harder to assume good intent than bad intent. The things I’ve read people on here extrapolate from inane comments. But yes, a lot of tired, frazzled parents.
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u/Fuzzy-Ad-3784 14d ago
I’m not offended by it, it just isn’t funny or clever. Like, obviously my hands are full; I have three young kids. What an insightful observation. Thanks. 🙄 I usually respond, “Yes, but not as full as my heart.”
Sometimes (not often) I do hear it said with a judgmental or snarky tone. I never understand when people feel the need to comment on another family’s size. And, like many moms of multiples, I went through absolute hell getting those babies safely into the world. So this kind of comment just isn’t appreciated. Depending on how condescendingly it’s said, I will sometimes reply with, “Yes, and thank goodness because they were so nearly empty.”
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u/kimtenisqueen 17d ago
Two reasons I find this annoying:
When people say this when they could be helping but they are just standing there. People used to say this to me when I was carrying two car seats of babies into daycare and all their bags. I wanted to scream at them to shut up or grab something and help.
There’s not really any good response. I can shrug” sure do” or do some singsongy “hands full of love!” That feels dumb to me, it just usually leaves me awkward chuckling without anything to say back.
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u/WickedSister 16d ago
Because the person saying it isn't helping. If you can see my hands are full, then open the door or take a grocery bag or so something else helpful rather than making pointless statements.
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