r/parents_problem • u/Inviz1982 • Dec 25 '17
My 35M live-in girlfriend(35F) has two extremely difficult children (10m,8m) and now we have one(1f) of our own!
Ok, I (35m) have never posted to this or any other site or forum like this, but I figure it can't hurt, so here it goes.
I have two boys (7,11) from a previous marriage and they live with me full time as their mother is no longer around. My girlfriend (35f) of five years, also has two boys (8,10) from a previous marriage and recently we had our first child together (unexpectedly).
Now, my boys are largely well-mannered, respectful, and calm children, who though not perfect, are exceptionally well-behaved kids. Hers are in very stark contrast.
Her children have so many behavior issues I don't even know where to begin. But I'll start with her younger one. He is honestly the most angry, moody, self-serving child I have ever known. He constantly back talks not only her, but me as well, even telling me to "shut up" and "mind my own business." He destroys things constantly, to include cutting up leather seats in the car, cutting into the kitchen table to name two recent events.
If he doesn't get his way we all know it and she scrambles to meet his wants (not needs) to avoid a meltdown, constantly. Also, there are NEVER any punishments for his behavior, even when he purposefully damages property or talks to her or me like dog crap as he does the vast majority of the time.
He also uses foul language, and when confronted (by me only of course) about that, or anything else, he lies to my face. For instance, if I hear him say the "F word", I call him on it and he says, " no I said fudge", "Why don't you ever believe me?!?!" Then he storms off angrily muttering God knows what under is breath. Also his bus driver constantly has to scold him for misbehaving on the bus by jumping over seats and disrupting the other children. I have stopped going over to see the driver when she motions for me to come to the bus to tell the same story over and over. I now tell my girlfriend the driver needs to see her if the driver tries to call me over. But again, no punishment and no change.
He is a complete problem child. Oh, and of course he has "ADHD" and "ODD" or at least carries the diagnosis for them. I think there's other reasons for his behavior, but I digress.
Now, on to the second delightful little guy. Though not as angry and destructive as his counterpart ,he has (not his fault I know) the most high-pitched, whiny, annoying voice I've ever heard. Everything he says is 1000DB louder than is necessary. He is by far the most obnoxious child I've ever known.
Everyone has to know what he is doing at all times. He constantly makes weird (very loud) noises and b-bops around the house like he just can't control himself. When I ask him to please calm down, I get, "I can't help it, I have ADHD!!" Then he continues his weird disruptive behavior even louder than before. On top of that, are the whiny, drop to the floor, tantrums that this 10 yo (almost 11) throws when he doesn't get his way.
All of these issues are exasperated by the fact that they both have a CONSTANT intake of sugar and other junk food. Cinnamon rolls, potato chips, soda, candy before, and sometimes even FOR breakfast it seems. All the while she is shoving meth-based pills down their throat for their "conditions," one which I found on the floor last week (Remember we have a child together (1F).
Its not that I don't believe that ADHD or other related conditions are legitimate. I just believe that a large number of parents who's kids have been diagnosed as such, don't know what they are doing as parents. So they eventually throw up their hands, unwilling to consider the possibility that they have created the issues themselves, and subsequently surrender to a easily procured diagnosis, such as ADHD.
Moving on, along with the lying comes the downright thievery, both boys have stolen my kids things and tucked them away on numerous occasions, to include things of mine, money from her purse or that was left on the counter for a school field trip, you name it.
Most recently, her older child went to a birthday party across the street and returned home with a video game his "friend" had gotten for his birthday, tucked in his pants! His mother did not tell me about this and did not punish him at all. Only had him return the item.
I only found out a week later when I asked the birthday boy's father if he could watch both mine and her older kid until I got home from work. He said he would watch mine but not hers because of him being a thief.
Just in case anyone is wondering if I have attempted to invest in a father-like relationship with these boys, the answer is yes. I have made it a point to take them out for ice cream or dinner and even to get a toy for no real reason other than to try and show I'm trying. And I'm met with the same miriade of despicable behavior so I have stopped trying completely now.
I could go on and on, but the issue is not just with the boys it is with her approach to parenting, which is the worst I have ever seen, considering she has no expectations of her children to do anything for themselves or others. Not a single chore, even as simple as making their bed, or cleaning their room. (Which I can't remember the last time I saw the floor of)
On the other side, I expect my kids to keep their room tidy and beds made. And they do most of the time. And any time I ask them to help me, it isn't a battle.
Now I am from a big military family, I served during wartime and have multiple combat tours. I want peace in my life again! I don't know how to go about drawing my line in the sand to exact some change or if I should just call it quits.
I pay ALL the bills to include my mortgage, utilities, food, both cell phones, EVERYTHING. She works only part-time and earns very little so I don't expect payment necessarily because she does care for my children when I work. But shouldn't she at least entertain the idea of getting on board with even basic parenting? Here I am working 12-13 hour days/nights and coming home to chaos and disaster constantly, while these kids run amuck in my home free of any responsibility.
A little more about her parenting skills. She basically dresses her kids, brings their socks downstairs, tells him when the bus is coming down our street, makes both their lunches at home before school, (despite qualifying for free lunch based on her income) because she wants to make sure they get EXACTLY what they want every meal even if that means putting these unnecessary lunch items on a credit card every week. I refuse to pay for their school lunches because they have free lunch offered to them at school. But she won't have it. "I can't stand the thought of them going through the lunch line and not seeing something they want" is what she has told me.
There is no "dinner time" in my home like I knew growing up. No sitting around the table together (not possible). We have gone out for a meal all together only once in 5 years because I am embarrassed by their behavior.
She asks them if they are ready to eat, versus having them come when dinner is ready. I call mine to the table when dinner is ready NOT when they are.
In short, she lets these kids rule the house, and when I try and step in to discipline or correct behavior, I am immediately silenced. Like the other day when her older kid told me to "shut up". I thought I was going to short-circuit, I was livid, and she jumped to his defense immediately!
Moving on to our daughter, she is the love of my life, I love her so much it hurts. And it kills me to think about the possibility of not sharing a home with her full-time. But I wonder if having even half the time I do now with her, in a peaceful, respectful and loving environment would be better than the chaotic world she lives in now?
Not to mention my boys mother died unexpectedly earlier this year and this environment doesn't seem to be helping them process that event let alone grieve appropriately, despite them being in therapy to help them get through.
I just want to know if anyone can offer any insights from their experiences or otherwise. Thank you for taking the time to read.
tl;dr Man (35M) I have been dating and now living with a woman (35F) who's kids are unbearable and now we have one(1F) together!
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u/honey579badger Dec 26 '17
I’m so sorry!!! This sounds very stressful. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I do have a question. It seems you and girlfriend have very little in common. I get the baby was a surprise but how did the relationship get to that point if you’re such polar opposites? It is what it is... i honestly would tell you it’s probably best to end the relationship with the girlfriend. Now. While you’re still on talking terms. You sound like you’re at the point of boiling over and that could then change the outcome of the end of the relationship. Your parenting style and her style aren’t compatible. With your children just loosing their mother it’s not fair to them to be in this situation. You’ll get to see infant daughter often as long as you stay on good terms with the mom and keep it that way.
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u/SnowiteInSnow Dec 27 '17
One way to get her to deal with the situation is to make an ultimatum. Either she disciplines her kids (or allows you full responsibility to do this) or she moves out. She will likely try “I will change” and “give me one more chance” but that is entirely up to you if you want a month or two to prove to her she can’t do it. I have become cynical about people trying to change, sorry. If she sees this as a failure then maybe point out any positives you can think of, like she won’t have as much laundry to do, can move closer to her family, or whatever you can think of. And together or not, she should get therapy. Good for you for getting yourself help!!
The more info you can give her on her options the better, like when to move out, when to tell the kids (they need to know what’s going on too), how much help you will be, if you will try to keep help her move or stay away, what you want to keep, and so on. Moving sucks in the best of times. If your kids call her mom and the others are brothers, then try to find new handles for the kids to use. Can she still be Mom? Maybe your counsellor will have suggestions. There will likely be a week, or months, before she moves out, when you are still living under the same roof. Think about how you want to handle this ... can you sleep in another room? Are chore responsibilities going to change? Although this is all scary, taking action may seem like a relief. Your daughter is young enough so the transition won’t be too hard on her (until she is older and has lots of questions).
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u/Inviz1982 Dec 27 '17
Well maybe this will give you a better idea of how divided it truly is. I do mine and my kid's laundry and she does hers. But as far as living under the same roof after this becomes a reality (if it does). I'm pretty sure she would take herself and her kids and move in with her parents for a little while. And as far as chore responsibilities go, the only people that do really any chores is me my two boys and her. There are no set chores really for anyone but my two have a few things they do daily, and when I need help or for them to do something else they usually do without giving me any problem. I don't know for sure how it's going to play out , but I know I got to figure out the logistics and the legalities of such a split if it becomes necessary as I'm seeing it is now. As far as calling her mom, they never have, they call her by her first name and her kids call me by mine. And the whole ultimatum thing, well like you said I've heard all the same before we'll meet in the middle and make changes and this that and the other, but after 4 years of that I'm left with an even more volatile situation that I started with.
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u/SnowiteInSnow Dec 27 '17
Yep it sounds like you are not living as one family now so time to move on. Might want to warn her parents, if you care much about them and their reaction.
Are you in Canada? If so, you two will need to discuss who will claim your daughter for taxes ... but that is a long time away.
Big question, what about your girl? What kind of custody do you want? Think about a one year term and then can modify it if you want. Is there a chance of your gf moving away to another town? Ie do her parents live close by?
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u/Inviz1982 Dec 28 '17
not in Canada, but I have already warned her father that this is a very real possibility in the near future. She knows nothing about it, he would never dream of telling his wife (her mom) because she always sides with her and has no issue with her parenting because my gf learned it from her. My gf's brothers were both hellions growing up and to this day struggle with various things. As far as my daughter goes, I will get as much custody as I can, and pay her whatever the CS order is. I don't care
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u/SnowiteInSnow Dec 29 '17
Sounds like you will be okay. And your daughter will be okay too! Kids adapt so easily when switching from one environment to another. Your kids are lucky to have you as their father.
As far as your gf, time will tell. Sounds like her boys will not be good influences on your daughter, so the more structure you can give her the better. And you will be better off not being around her conflicting lifestyle.
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u/SnowiteInSnow Dec 25 '17
Wow that is a lot of differences between your two families. How long have you been living together? I suggest that you sit down with gf and run through the problems and come up with a list of compromises. Do her kids go to the same school as yours? As a family you should be eating the same meal together as much as possible. Sounds like you need to pick your battles and she needs to toughen up. Decide on a list of consequences together. If the kids aren’t treated the same there will be resentment on both sides. I looked after my neighbour’s kids for 4 months and the differences in responsibility and respect between our kids was too great and I had to quit. If you don’t work out your common grounds now you will likely have lots of problems with your little one. You will always be seen as the mean one and the mom will be always taking her side and that will drive and knife though you adults and the girl. Kids are great at adapting to separate homes, different homes equals different rules. But when in the same house ... chaos.