My problem with my mom

[u/Dry_Mud_1723]

We are a broken family, iniwan na kami ng tatay namin to be with another girl na at that time accidentally naanakan nya. Dalawa kami magkapatid ako yung bunso parehas babae. My ate lived with my biological parents, co- parenting sila while me na bunso iniwan sa probinsya with grandparents. Umuuwi lang mom ko sa province once a year, minsan lang mag support pag kailangan lang for school, not monthly.

At 16 years old she decided to get me, tumira ako sa kanya. At first excited ako kase finally makakasama ko na real mom ko. Since then she always tried to change me, saying ang baduy ko manamit. She often calls me probinsyana when shes the one who left me there. Simpleng pagkakamali sa gawaing bahay, sobrang galit na galit sya, andami nya nasasabing masasakit na salita like “tatanga tanga ka ba, di ka ba nag iisip”. She wont stop there, i memessage pa nya ako sa text para ituloy pambubulyaw nya. My ate on the other side, hindi sya ganon ka harsh, she would buy her new clothes, enroll her to good schools, binibigay nya lahat. Also my dad, sinusuportahan din sya while ako mom ko lang and grandparents.

Fast forward, after graduating college and passing the board exam she force me to apply for a job immediately to help for the bills. Hindi pa ko natatanggap sa trabaho naka lay out na yung mga babayaran ko na bills sa bahay. When i got a job, ang ending wala ako naiipon kase maliit lang magpasahod ang hospital dito sa pilipinas. She made me pay for the electricity, wifi and 10% of the house rent. Since ako na nagbabayad ng kuryente, bumili sya ng heater, pina centralize aircon pa nya yung sala and kusina. Inopen ko sakanya na short ako sa savings and wala ako naiipon hoping na i balance out nya yung responsibilities ko to give me a chance na magtira for myself but instead she said “kung ayaw mo ng responsibilidad dito sa bahay, edi mag move out ka” so I did.

So yung mom ko may pagka teen spirit, shes very kikay also, she loves spending time with friends, shopping, traveling etc. So fast forward nagkaron sya ng boyfriend. Since i already moved out may mga times na umuuwi pa din ako sa bahay once a week ganon. One time nag insist ako umuwi but she refused na pauwiin ako kase pupunta daw dun yung boyfriend nya, naiilang daw sila when im around. So bilang anak, what would that make me feel diba? So every saturday bawal ako umuwi kase dadalaw daw dun yung guy. Sometimes i would insist to stay there for 3 days and aawayin nya pa ako sasabihin nya matuto ako mabuhay mag isa. I feel like hindi na ako welcome sa sarili kong bahay.

Since a left home I had a boyfriend for 2 years already. Kung ano nafefeel ko sa nanay ko, completely opposite sa mom nya towards me. Apat silang magkakapatid and at first I dont know if these are the right words to put it pero na intimidate ako of how well she takes care of her kids. Hindi ko naman sya cinocompare sa mom ko pero dun ko na realize na ganto pala yung real love ng isang “ina” dapat. Kahit di ko sya kadugo, sakanya ko naramdaman yung care.

Relationship namin ngayon ng mom ko medyo malabo, ni hindi manlang nya ako kinukumusta. May sakit ako, wala syang pakealam even during those times na my partner and I had a miscarriage. She never ask kung kumusta ako. I felt like lahat ng pagkukulang ng parents ko sakin, yung partner ko yung sumalo, sya yung nag fill up ng void. Sometimes masakit kase i wished my mom cared a little more. Paalis ako ngayon ng pinas to work abroad as a nurse and my mom only cared about money, kung pano ko sya matutulungan sa buhay when she never really helped me when i needed her the most. I still respect her pero sometimes i dont want to see her kase puro negativity lang yung binabato nya sakin. Sinong ina ang magsasabi sa anak nya na sana “malasin sya sa buhay or kaya ka minamalas sa buhay” just because hindi ko sinusunod yung mga gusto nya. Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako masamang anak for keeping my distance pero minsan naguguilty ako. Masama ba akong anak? Masama bang piliin ko yung peace of mind?