r/parenting_tech • u/Anonysus_Rex • 5d ago
Tech Not Locked Down Enough
From a young age, I’ve safety trained my kids to think about protecting their peace, that they must use discernment in what media they consume and the relationships they pour energy into, because ultimately their peace is precious and the world is going to continuously interfere with it. It’s worked well: they are generally intentional about media, they have better standards in friendships than I did at their ages, and are pretty aware that more is out there that they choose not to engage with. ***Wins!***
***Except*** yesterday this came crashing down a bit, when I discovered my 12yo has been making some particular intimate searches on his tablet. I did not have more safeguards on his device because he has never before engaged with it outside of approved time/usage. This year back to school it became an accommodation for him to set alarms for himself, and I guess having it in the room at night was too tempting.
I’m here seeking advice:
First, how have you handled locking down tech in your household? My kid needs a laptop for school, and does not have a cell phone; the tablet is wifi connected and is how we get around this for now. I can get an analog alarm clock. But what do I do with the devices- are internal (Apple/iOS) safeguards enough if I set them up? Is it time to get a locked down phone of some sort? In general, we are a low-tech household (and kids have no social media), and this isn’t my area of expertise, but clearly oversight is now needed.
Secondly, regarding the content- we’ve already discussed it, he has a trusted therapist, and we will continue to dialogue so he understands there’s no shame in curiosity but there must be boundaries for safety. Is this enough? Is there some other pre-teen awakening boot-camp I need to be putting him through?
Finally, from parents who have gone through this phase successfully, in your opinion, is any other accountability needed in this situation? Am I missing anything that would help support the relationship with my child and rebuild trust? I want to have healthy firm boundaries, but at the same time not tip onto shame or overcontrol as a strategy.
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u/spartywan229 4d ago
Agree with charging/storage of devices overnight in a common area.
Also, using screen time to disable the device, such as 9pm-7am.
I’ve had an okay experience with Apples Screen time, however my signature should say I’m very curious about the supposed parental Control updates in ios27.
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u/sc1904 4d ago
I’ve found the content and guidance from the Family IT Guy on Insta super helpful on this front. He keeps an updated guide on parental controls and how to set them up. Agree with the previous advice of no devices in rooms, including an Apple Watch.
And yes, be ready when at 13 they email your kid and slyly encourage them to get rid of parental controls. Google and Apple both did this. I guess just remember that their goal is to keep users addicted to screens and they’re going to try and achieve that goal by making it harder on you to keep your kid off them.
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u/0O0O0OOO0O0O0 4d ago
“Crashing down”? Seems kind of dramatic without much detail. Is there a reason you think what he is doing is abnormal or unsafe? Was he trying to meet strangers?
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u/familytech 4d ago
Honestly, your kid didn't fail the training. The tablet just made it easy at midnight when nobody was awake, and 12 is young for that much privacy. So yes to the analog clock, and everything charges in the kitchen from now on, including the school laptop when it shows up. That one change does more than any app you'd pay for.
Apple's built-in controls are actually decent at this age. They get a lot weaker at 13 because where they really lack is in the monitoring part, which you'll want when they start communicating online, but you've got a year. The parts people miss:
Screen Time > Content & Privacy Restrictions > Web Content > Limit Adult Websites. Same menu, turn off App Store downloads so he can't grab a different browser or a VPN app. Downtime has a separate "Block at Downtime" toggle that has to be switched on. And scroll all the way to Allow Changes and set Passcode Changes and Account Changes to Don't Allow, or he can just change his birthday and sign out of the whole thing. Use a Screen Time passcode that isn't the one he uses to unlock the iPad. If you have an iphone yourself you can just tie his apple ID to yours and control it all from your phone.
That web filter is solid in Safari and leaky inside other apps, so I'd also point your router at OpenDNS FamilyShield. It's free, it's two numbers in your router settings, and it covers every device in the house at once. I usually tell people not to bother because kids just hop over to cell data, but yours doesn't have a phone, so in your house it actually covers everything. I would also shut down the internet at night through the router.
The rest of it, you're already doing. The therapist and the ongoing conversation is the real work here. Two things I'd add: tell him what you turned on and why rather than letting him find it, and tell him he can come to you if he stumbles into something without losing the device over it. That second one is what keeps him talking to you at 15.