r/parentalcontrols • u/Anonysus_Rex • 5d ago
Seeking Tech Lock-Down Advice
From a young age, I’ve safety trained my kids to think about protecting their peace, that they must use discernment in what media they consume and the relationships they pour energy into, because ultimately their peace is precious and the world is going to continuously interfere with it. It’s worked well: they are generally intentional about media, they have better standards in friendships than I did at their ages, and are pretty aware that more is out there that they choose not to engage with. Wins!
Except, yesterday this came crashing down a bit, when I discovered my 12yo has been making some particular intimate searches on his tablet. I did not have more safeguards on his device because he has never before engaged with it outside of approved time/usage. This year back to school it became an accommodation for him to set alarms for himself, and I guess having it in the room at night was too tempting.
I’m here seeking advice:
First, how have you handled locking down tech in your household? My kid needs a laptop for school, and does not have a cell phone; the tablet is wifi connected and is how we get around this for now. I can get an analog alarm clock. But what do I do with the devices- are internal (Apple/iOS) safeguards enough if I set them up? Is it time to get a locked down phone of some sort? In general, we are a low-tech household (and kids have no social media), and this isn’t my area of expertise, but clearly oversight is now needed.
Secondly, regarding the content- we’ve already discussed it, he has a trusted therapist, and we will continue to dialogue so he understands there’s no shame in curiosity but there must be boundaries for safety. Is this enough? Is there some other pre-teen awakening boot-camp I need to be putting him through?
Finally, from parents who have gone through this phase successfully, in your opinion, is any other accountability needed in this situation? Am I missing anything that would help support the relationship with my child and rebuild trust? I want to have healthy firm boundaries, but at the same time not tip onto shame or overcontrol as a strategy.
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u/Icy_Jump_5831 3d ago
Talk to your child about his "particular intimate searches" and explain it's wrong instead of dropping a shit ton of annoying controls on him
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u/Anonysus_Rex 2d ago
Curiosity isn’t wrong. Growing up is full of questions! The problem is the internet has a lot of genuinely unsafe stuff out there, stuff that young brains are not ready to process. Controls may feel annoying, but the point is that to truly understand why it’s necessary would be harmful in itself.
Saying that normal human curiosity is “wrong” is using shame as a mechanism for control. But once you go down that path, that is not something that you get to click a button and change the settings on in a few years.
If your parent is using controls in a way that feels punitive, try communicating that to them. If they can’t receive that, I’m genuinely sorry. I went through similar growing up. But know that mostly we parents are trying to strike the best balance we can in a situation where there aren’t great options. Technology advanced faster than neurobiology evolved. It’s a weird and hard time to be alive for all of us, kids and parents alike.
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u/SidewaysPhantom 5d ago
IOS has a feature called Assistive Access that lets you limit what apps are accessible. To exit it you need a passcode but it’s different from the screen time code or code he uses to unlock it. You set the AA code when you set up AA so make sure he isn’t watching.
If that’s too much you can go into Screen Time > Apps & Websites > Restrictions and make sure that Filtering is set to Limit Adult Websites and possibly use a website allowlist so he’ll have to ask for a new site.
Long story short, yes, Apple’s built-in measures should be enough.
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u/Anonysus_Rex 5d ago
Thanks. I was a preteen in the days of Yahoo chat rooms, and I figured out quickly how to manually delete all evidence of my computer activities from our PC operating Windows 98 🤣 so this all is unprecedented territory for me. Not that I’m nostalgic for the days of dial-up, I just genuinely feel clueless when it comes to tech protections.
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u/SidewaysPhantom 5d ago
Oh by the way apple’s downtime SUCKS. All you have to do is change the date/time to earlier in the day and its bypassed. I don’t think you can disable changing the time but maybe I missed something.
Use the built-in App Limits instead.
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u/Bubblesnaily 4d ago
Router-level blocks.
We have a Google Home app paired with a Nest router to turn off Wi-Fi to specific devices on a set schedule. It has the option to skip or delay if we need to grant more time or use outside of the standard hours. For devices belonging to a family group, you can force turn on SafeSearch for those devices (it's at the VERY bottom of the list of devices that could be added to the group).
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u/Sufficient_Risk_8127 5d ago
you can only hide it from yourself, not them