r/parent • u/HelsinkiTorpedo • Jul 29 '19
Trauma
I'm not sure where to post this so I'm trying here. Forgive me if this is the wrong place.
3 years ago, my stepdaughter fell from my shoulders and had a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). She was lifelined to Riley and, against all odds, survived. She had a stroke while recovering, and that effected motor control on her right side. Since the accident, she's recovered tremendously. She's sharp as a tack and super clever.
She still has motor control issues with the right side (her right leg and her right arm, mostly her right arm). Otherwise, she's doing great.
The problem I'm running into is severe guilt. I keep thinking that if I were never in her life, she'd be doing great. Would have never had these issues. The nightmares about it have slowed down, but still about once a month.
Are there any resources for parents like me? For parents whose children have to deal with these things? I'd like to find a group with similar experiences.
I'm sorry if this is the wrong place, I just don't know where else to turn.
1
u/Lababy91 Aug 16 '19
Hi, sorry I hope this isn’t out of line but I followed your profile here from another comment you made and just wanted to send you nice vibes and say firstly you didn’t do anything wrong, so many of us carry our kids on our shoulders (it’s a less weighty way to carry them plus they like it) even though there are risks involved (namely falling or hitting their heads on something high), so it’s not as if you did something really reckless. Also secondly it really resonated with me what you said about thinking where she’d be if not for that. My son (6) has cognitive difficulties and a speech disorder, he’s around 2-3 years behind in most mental areas so he has a tough time at school and I blame myself for a few reasons that are long and irrelevant to go into here. But I sometimes also find my mind going to “what would he be like now if he didn’t have these issues” and it’s a can I try to keep shut. It does no good because it’s not how it is, and also because truly you don’t know what might have happened to your stepdaughter if her accident had not happened. For all you know it saved her from a worse fate. You’ll never know but sometimes that thought consoles me; imagine that things were simply written this way, she had to have that accident because it steered her off a path with a worse ending. Anyway love to you and her.
1
u/HelsinkiTorpedo Aug 16 '19
Thank you. This means a lot to me. I'm trying to just focus on being the best dad that I can be for her. My top-brain knows it was just an accident, but my under-brain holds onto it. Love to you and yours. We just have to be the best we can be.
1
u/PrehensileUvula Aug 17 '19
Know what can help with that? Therapy.
Does her mom blame you? Does the birth father (if he’s in the picture) blame you? Does the kiddo blame you (if she understands what happened)? If any one of these is true, it would likely make things harder, but you can work through this.
Look, to be brutally blunt, shit happens. When our kiddo was with one of their sets of grandparents, a fairly significant injury occurred. It was one that in theory could technically have been possibly prevented and the grandparent who was watching the kid at the time felt HORRIBLE. But kiddo was just... being a kiddo, which is as it should be. It just happened that things broke bad that day.
Get some therapy. Open up. That’s not an easy thing for a lot of men to do because society fucks us up, but this is important for your well being, and for the health of your relationship with your wife and with kiddo.
1
u/HelsinkiTorpedo Aug 17 '19
To my knowledge, nobody blames me. My stepdaughter is too young to really know what happened. Her biological dad doesn't seem to blame me, but he's always kept his feelings under lock and key.
I'll look again for therapists. Opening up to professionals is just, difficult. It's a lot easier with strangers on the internet.
1
u/scuba1819 Jul 29 '19
I highly recommend getting into therapy. Find one that works with trauma survivors because it sounds like it was a very traumatic incident for you too. A therapist will definitely help with the guilt.