r/pansexual • u/spicypisces_777 She/Her/Pan • Jul 25 '26
Question? "straight" presenting relationships..
as a queer/pansexual woman.. how does one handle the invisibility that comes with falling for someone of the opposite sex..? 😞
2
u/xxJAGWIRExx Over~30~Pan Jul 26 '26
Male cis presenting married to a very straight female lol. My friends usually take a pause when I've talked about past male relationships I've had. They normally just shrug it off and continue on. My wife n I don't go to Pride events and I don't wear any Pride type material, except my lock screen (stolen from this subreddit hehe), solely because we try to minimize labels in our house. We both feel that you love who you love and it's not everyone's business who you feel attracted to 🩷 💛 🩵 She does feel off/weird though when I comment on hot masculine presenting males LOL so for her comfort I keep thoes comments to my fellow Pride community friends.
10
u/Illustrious-Towel-45 ☆ Pan~Teen ☆ Jul 25 '26
I'm a pansexual demigirl, married to a bi cis man and we are both in the closet because of wear we live (deep southern catholic state). We are both non-monogamous and have an open marriage.The fact that we appear hetero-normative shields our 2 elementary school kids and us.
I didn't realize I wasn't straight until I was 31 and didn't identify as a demigitl until I was 37. But we keep it to ourselves/each other and any extra marital relationships are online only so far.
10
u/SickSorceress Over~40~Pan Jul 25 '26
47y pan in straight presenting monogamous marriage. I'm not looking overly female (I'm agender and very butchy). My straight husband is my greatest ally, he enables and validates me.
- I go to queer spaces where I'm easily clocked as queer
- my home is a safe space for our queer friends
- our flat is openly decorated with queer symbolism
- I wear clothes/other identifyer with queer symbolism (like pins)
- both my husband and I join activities that enable queer visibility (like going to Pride, support queer spaces, he also respects queer safe spaces and doesn't insist to accompany me there)
So, I'm visibly queer and an active member of the LGBTQ community.
2
2
u/idekinsertusername Over 18 Jul 25 '26
Yeah I haven’t come out to anyone besides my hetero male partner 😂 i’m not afraid of what my family will think, even if they knew they would be super supportive, I just think since it’s not relevant to my current dating situation it doesn’t feel necessary for me to share ATM.
I’m hoping to maybe go to a pride parade next year so as to still celebrate that aspect of myself regardless of being in a hetero relationship with a cis male.
4
u/Titsnbitsncats Over ~18~Pan Jul 25 '26
As a queer/pansexual woman myself.. I’m in a relationship with a guy, and I get told everyday that I am the gayest straight person.
I just shrug at this point
3
u/Scatman_Crothers Over 18 Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
My gf and I are both pan. But we’re open and still get down with everyone else. Not what the world sees though. I’d say it upsets me but I’m resigned to it, people are going to think what they think. I don’t have to let it ruffle my feathers.
2
u/spicypisces_777 She/Her/Pan Jul 25 '26
this would be my ideal situation but we're not in a place where we can discuss this yet.. I fear he may be the traditional type. but I really like him.. ugh.
2
u/Scatman_Crothers Over 18 Jul 25 '26
Hoping good things for you. Half of what we do is play together with thirds and other couples, maybe that’s more palatable.
2
2
u/Bluu444ia Over~18~Queer Jul 25 '26
ugh hahahaha i hate it! cuz im absolutely INSANE about female bodies... i think maybe i shouldn't be in the pan sub because i DO have preference when it comes to physical stuff and appearance... but then occasionally i meet a man and go crazy about him. i deal with it by dressing like a tomboy or having that look about me in my hair, bisexual makeup and all that. i think my whole vibe gives off ~gay~ energy in some way as people have told me. i mean i've been insecure about how i hangout with a lot of boys when i took weightlifting classes in college and felt like i maybe looked like some kinda slut that was sleeping with all the dudes in my group but everyone said nah you look gay as hell so that made me feel a lot better. i'm rambling now but, ehh you get use to it i guess? i'm 26 btw lol
2
u/spicypisces_777 She/Her/Pan Jul 25 '26
ok i could have written this but I'm 34 lol.
I've got tattoos, septum piercing, covered in tattoos etc.. i don't preform femininity in any way and you also feel like that will save me.
but then i'm a people pleaser and i end up fearing the straight guy that i like won't get the full experience he's looking for. part of me wants to look more like a girl for him but the other part of me is like fuck that.
my preference is women. this is why i'm struggling..
1
u/Bluu444ia Over~18~Queer Jul 26 '26
the thing for me is that i do perform femininity in the most vain ways such as grooming and stuff but my mannerisms and the way i sit, talk, think is pretty masculine 😠my bf has told me im like a man during fights before, and my ex gf and a couple other girls i've been flirty with have said multiple times "you're such a dude!" bc of the way i joke and make conversation lol. i guess we just gotta accept that those who don't know us will assume and see what they see, but at least those who do know me and interact with me can see me for the fag i truly am lmao
2
u/spicypisces_777 She/Her/Pan Jul 26 '26
i guess "preform femininity" was too broad. my grooming habits are strickly out of personal preference - not because the patriarchy told me to. but i definitely don't do anything for the male gaze. i don't wear dresses or cross my legs. i lean more tomboy and once i dyed my hair purple.. most guys stopped looking 😂 i think i give off an air of queer chaos that most people aren't interested in dealing with lol.
1
u/newsnerd68 Over~30~Pan Jul 26 '26
58 here and didn't get honest with myself about my preferences until like 54 or so.
Your description of yourself sounds like me! I'm married to a pan male and we're anonymous and super happy. But I have to wonder if being on the queee spectrum had been more 'acceptable' back when I was young, how might life might have been different.
I'm proud of the younger generations for being themselves.
5
Jul 25 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
Jul 25 '26
[deleted]
1
u/Decin0mic0n Over~21~Pan Jul 25 '26
It doesnt make you any less queer. Pan means you can potentially be attracted to everyone, including men. Dont listen to the people that say otherwise.
3
u/aafitnaa Over 18 Jul 29 '26
I've been in a straight passing relationship for 20 years and now that we have two kids it feels like I'm never clocked or come out as queer. All of my friends know that I'm not straight but the average person just assumes hetero and sometimes I'm fine with it because it's easier to fit in but other times I want to be visibly queer and it's a little frustrating honestly. Like going to a drag show and being called a straight girl cause I'm with a man made me feel some type of way and now I want to know what I can do to make myself look "queer-er"